My best friend and I have a saying when we are annoyed by someone or a situation. We simply look at each other and say, “I hate people.” When someone has continually annoyed us, we forgive, but we don’t forget. Nope. In fact, we have a running shit list of people we can’t stand or who have wronged us in some way.
And once you are on our shit list, there’s no getting off. Sorry, not sorry.
In fact, I maintain several running lists of people who have pissed me off. I have one for work, school parents, and an entire list devoted to the employees I can’t stand at my cable company. While I’m a pretty tolerant person, I have to admit, there are certain infractions that will make me throw you a side-eye as I whip out my pen and print your name in ink on my “You are on my last nerve” list.
I am the manager of a pretty long but distinguished fecal roster system, thankyouverymuch. In fact, I might just have to get this notebook just so I can keep my list of deuce demons all in one place. And don’t worry, you are probably not on my fecal roster. Yes, I said probably. But if you do any of the following, all bets are off:
1. Ring the doorbell during naptime.
AYFKM with that fresh hell? Remind me to return the favor the next time your toddler finally falls asleep for the first time in five days.
2. Pee on a public toilet seat.
Just sit down like the rest of us and stop getting the seat wet. Seriously, no one has time for wet cheeks covered in your germ-filled urine. And if you sprinkle when you tinkle, be a sweetie and wipe it the fuck up.
3. Send me an invite to a direct sales party.
No, I don’t want to help you on your “journey,” and, yes, I’m sure I don’t need a “lipstick system” that doesn’t wash off for 42 days. And no, I’m not buying your Uncle Sam leggings in time for the 4th of July. #blessthis
4. Send direct FB messages to 46 of your closest friends.
Seriously, just stop. This is often an invitation to some party where I’m supposed to buy something (see No. 3), but not always. It’s awkward when your friends start leaving the conversation in a mass exodus, without saying a word, and it makes you look like a dipshidiot. Nobody wants all those notifications blowing up their phone.
5. Talk shit behind my back.
If you aren’t ballsy enough to say your nasty vitriol to my face, you can take several seats, and I will immediately add you to my trusty Manure Manifest.
6. Not reciprocating with playdates.
Sure, I love having your kids over every afternoon and feeding them snacks as you sit in a quiet house. Here’s a thought: Why don’t you take my kids for the afternoon before I add you to my Stool Register?
7. One word: Humblebragging.
8. Fake Friend-itis.
I don’t have time for people who can’t be real and honest. Life is too short for people who sling half-truths and clog the world up with their feculence. If you are a fake person, you are at the top of my fecal roster.
9. Constant complaining.
We get it. We know your 3-year-old had a tantrum, and your husband is on a business trip, and your laundry is piled to the ceiling because it’s the same crap at our house. Everyone needs to vent, but not everyone needs to do it 63 times each day.
10. Anyone who pays attention to the Kardashians.
I just can’t with you, and now you are also on my fecal roster. Sorry, not sorry.
11. Support Trump.
Go ahead and say, “But her emails!” to me so I can add you to the top of my shit list. My Trump supporter shit list is YUGE, I tell you. At this point, if you haven’t changed your mind, we just shouldn’t be friends.
12. Throw a co-worker under the bus.
There’s enough success to go around, so if you claw your way to the top of the corporate ladder using other people’s backs to get there, you are so on my list. Don’t do that, and don’t be the first person to always point out everyone else’s perceived errors or you will be on the entire office’s fecal roster.
13. Ask me to watch your kids because I’m a stay-at-home mom.
Sure, I’ll help you in a pinch, but if you assume that my lifestyle exists solely for you to dump your kids on me while you head off to your brick-and-mortar job, here’s a pen. Write your own name on the fecal roster because I don’t have time for your bullshit.
14. Tell Lies.
Do. Not. Lie. To. Me. Just don’t. It’ll put you on your own special fecal roster list. The one I reserve for lying liars who lie like a dog on a rug. Miss me with that bullshit.
15. “Replying all” when a reply to the sender will do.
Let’s review: If someone sends a group email and asks you to respond, the rest of the group will thank you to not clog our inboxes with your 18 comments. It’s not impressive, but it is annoying.
16. Refuse to tip.
Let me be crystal clear: Tip. Your. Server. Point blank, period. Don’t fill me in on how this one time your food took 45 minutes, and the fries weren’t crispy, and you only got 16 refills of Diet Coke. Just be a decent human being, and leave a tip or put your autograph on my shit list ASAP.
17. Not reading the whole article before making a comment.
Can we all agree that anyone who doesn’t read the article and yet still comments needs to clean toilets in the fires of hell with their toothbrush for all of eternity? Okay, cool.
Listen, it’s not that hard to stay off my list. Seriously, just don’t be a complete douche lord, follow basic internet etiquette, and tip your servers. It’s really not that hard. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going go stock up on fecal roster notebooks because I have a feeling I’ll be filling them up by the truckload.