Jill Smokler, AKA Scary Mommy
@scarymommy
Latest posts by Jill Smokler, AKA Scary Mommy (see all)
- Insane Works of Sandwich Art - May 19, 2013
- The Disney Reveal - May 14, 2013
- Met My Match At Disney… - May 13, 2013
My friends and I talk a lot about how we are going to parent our kids when they are teenagers. Yes, they are only 4 now. No, I do not believe we are over-preparing. We’re talking about teenagers here, people. It’s kill or be killed.
Typically, these conversations turn to the awful, terrible, idiotic things we did when we were teenagers. What would have been a fun get-to-know-you-better conversation before kids has turned into a sobering, head-shaking, aw-shit-mine-better-not kind of talk.
I did it all — drugs, alcohol, sex, riding on the roof of a car with a friend while the guys inside held our hands through the sunroof to keep us from falling off…………actually, it was more ME holding on to THEIR hands while THEY BOTH held on to my super hot friend. Ouch. I engaged in a fair share of risky behavior and somehow managed to stay alive. All the serial killers must have been home sharpening their knives those nights because I gave them plenty of opportunities in the early 2000s.
My kids aren’t old enough yet to have questions about drugs and alcohol, but they have already seen one of of my dumb young kid decisions — my tattoos. I have two: one on my hip done by a mostly blind one armed man in Glasgow, Scotland; and a tramp stamp done for my bisexual boyfriend who got me started smoking and cheated on me with a girl he met at church. What can I say, I like my life stories with a dash of ”what the……..??” to them.
The first time my daughter saw my tattoos, I told her they were bruises. I don’t know, dudes. She was two. Now that she is four, I have told her that they are pictures that never go away called tattoos. She of course, decided that she would like a tattoo as well. I told her that once she turned 18 she was welcome to do whatever she wanted to. And I mean that. Just please lord, let it be below the neck.
Her question about my tattoos was the first of what will be countless experiences being asked questions I not only don’t know HOW to answer but I don’t WANT to answer. The “where do babies come from” question is starting to get asked, and I always said that I would be straight forward and honest and tell them the truth. Well, guess whose kids think they started out as seeds that I then wished into my tummy? That’s right. THIS idiot’s kids. Just another promise I made myself before having kids that did a 180 after I had them (when I was pregnant I also said I would never buy plastic toys. Careful — you’re going to choke if you keep laughing that hard).
So my friends and I worry about what the heck we are going to do when our kids ask us if WE ever did XYZ when WE were teenagers. The experts say — tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, but for the love of god you don’t have to tell them every little thing if they don’t ask about it (ix-nay on the aring-shay). And there have been studies showing that teens want to know the truth and that when they do it encourages them to be more responsible. To which I say, dur-hay. Think about it — wouldn’t you want to know about the time your mom dropped acid and thought she could fly?! I sure as heck would! (ps, Mom, if there is anything you want to share just drop me a line).
But really, who knows if what we did makes one iota of difference to our teenagers? Maybe being honest about my past will help because they will know that if I did it, then drugs and alcohol definitely don’t make you cool. To which I say, excellent. I just want them to make it through the horror show called the teenaged years alive and healthy and only lightly scarred. I know experimentation is going to happen, I just hope that they think I’m lame enough to not want to use my past as a role model. And I can proudly say that I am well on my way to accomplishing that.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to take my kids to the grocery store in a shirt with holes in it and sandals with socks. Sometimes they play the Miami Vice theme in the store, and oh, how I dance.
{ 68 comments… read them below or add one }
Trust me, as a mother of two teenage daughters, nothing you practice can prepare you for their teenage years!
Enjoy them now, because life flips on a dime and your site will go from. “scarey mommy” to ” scarey kids!” No matter how hard you prepare….nothing can prepare you for your daughters look of disgust when you walk into a room. Ohhhh just wait.. You can not even imagine the possibilities. Good luck!,,
I just peed myself.
Meredith recently posted..This is a Big Fucking Deal, people.
So far I only have a son, who is 11 mos now. I dread the teen years, he is so sweet now!
But my best friend has a 16 year old daughter and we apparently are the most embarrassing people to hang out with on the planet! So I know that look of disgust!
But she has a learners permit and really wants to drive so for now she is forced to go with us to the mall ;)
Kristin recently posted..Happy Father’s Day!
Haha! Be Very Afraid. I get it sometimes: “You’re going to work dressed like that? God, you look like you fell out of a tree.” I highly recommend creative truth-telling… it is NOT safe for kids to experiment with drugs etc the way we did, and I think many of us have friends who weren’t as lucky as we are. I regularly tell the boys they can do whatever they want to once their brains have matured, and cite medical statistics. You have to be smart to keep on top of things with teens, they think they know everything. And yes, yes, internet porn is a big deal. Don’t buy your kids a cell phone with internet. Duh.
On a more positive note, I absolutely adore my big boys. They are smart and loving (mostly), hilarious and a whole lot of fun. The other day they cleaned the house while I was at work, and I mean CLEAN. Shock! And, they truly believe that my tattoo is incredibly uncool and are certain they would never do anything so dumb. My fingers are crossed for them to stay as lovely as they are!
Nan recently posted..Abstract Adolescence: Or, Building Character One Mind-Bogglingly Dull Family Holiday at a Time
i agree, so far we have told our boys that their weiners wont grow right if they do drugs and drink before they turn 21! i swear its true—read the medical findings—drugs in prepubescents delay or even stunt genital formation/growth. if u dont believe me, i will introduce u to some of my friends from high school who are hung like crayons! our oldest is 15 now and before we go out on date night, he is the one reminding US to make good decisions….
OMG, that is a really good one about their weiners, thank you! I’ll remember that the next time I’m reading the papers when the boys are around “Wow, it says here, latest studies prove you’ll be hung like a crayon if you do drugs before you’re 21!!”
Then I’ll say, “Hmmmm… that’s probably what happened to your dad…” *kills self laughing*
Nan recently posted..Abstract Adolescence: Or, Building Character One Mind-Bogglingly Dull Family Holiday at a Time
I LOVE THIS.
Meredith recently posted..This is a Big Fucking Deal, people.
Thats funny stuff…I might have to use that one on my 18 yr. old daughters boyfriend,if you touch my daughter it will fall off or better yet I might rip it off he even thinks about it.I’m just a mom being an overly protective mommy!:-]
And now I’ve pooped myself.
Meredith recently posted..This is a Big Fucking Deal, people.
As a former wild child myself (minus a tattoo, or at least something you cannot call an actual tattoo) I worry about this every day.
Tinne from Tantrums and Tomatoes recently posted..To clean or not to clean, in my house it is never really a question
…….I’m intrigued. What CAN you call it?
Meredith recently posted..This is a Big Fucking Deal, people.
“Accident at drawing class”
Tinne from Tantrums and Tomatoes recently posted..To clean or not to clean, in my house it is never really a question
Excellent.
Meredith recently posted..If that dog could talk, he’d probably rape you.
I have one from an insanely sharp pencil I was holding when someone ran into me in junior high.
Mine is chinese ink.
Tinne from Tantrums and Tomatoes recently posted..The school fête changed me forever
It is crazy to scary to think about, isn’t it? I hope mine doesn’t ask for a long time yet.
Life with Kaishon recently posted..The Creativity Project gets colorful! Red, Green, Yellow and Blue {Month 3}
Hope is the thing with wings……….or something like that.
Meredith recently posted..This is a Big Fucking Deal, people.
I’m sure glad my husband and my kids don’t know college me. They would’ve taken one look at me and think I was a nut job, which I was, but that’s the start of another conversation you don’t have in the mornings. Sober.
I am all for telling my kids the truth about my past experiences – the G-rated, Pixar version that’s in technicolor and ends with everyone holding hands and skipping down a hill singing Kidbop songs.
And when that fails as I’m sure it will, I’m sending them off to live with my parents so my parents can relive the nightmares all over again. Because that’s what you do when you love someone.
Rhana @ Dumb {Squared} recently posted..Oh hell – am I more sullen than a Fiona Apple song?
Amen, sister.
Meredith recently posted..This is a Big Fucking Deal, people.
Ha, you had my laughing all the way through this! I always said I’d tell the truth too, but if they don’t specifically ask if I’ve ever hitchiked and wound up at a crack house in Baltimore in January while wearing thin pajamas and no shoes, well, that’s gonna remain my little secret.
Arnebya recently posted..Are You There, Me? It’s Me.
A-freaking-men to that! I too, am from Baltimore and have somehow ended up in the middle of an abandoned alley in East Baltimore trying to pop-a-squat after a night of clubbing and bar-hoping.. Never, will I EVER, share those experiences with my kids. Thank you sweet baby Jesus I married a Navy man & we now live in Jacksonville, FL (at least for the next 4 years we do) !
Well… If they ever find out you wrote a blog… and read it… they’re for sure gonna find out all the crazy crap you did. (Incidentally, mine too) ;)
My very first post has a touch of this… I’m totally confounded by the whole thing. I was sooo wild (and my husband only drank and smoke and thinks drugs are for Satan-worshipers). We can’t agree on what to tell the kids. What the hell am I gonna do??
Kristen Mae recently posted..Fifty Shades of Grey and Y’all Losing Sleep
You guys are killing me! I am so screwed when my kids become teenagers. Is there such a thing as “sleep away jail”? Or is that just jail………
Meredith recently posted..This is a Big Fucking Deal, people.
I LOVE this post.
Followed you home and am yours now.
LOVE Pinkie “pet of the week.” post.
LOVE finding new funny, awesome talent via Scary Mommy. THANK YOU, JILL!
Alexandra recently posted..Day One Summer Vacation: a Twitter Play-by-Play
*BLUSH*
Meredith recently posted..This is a Big Fucking Deal, people.
So NOT looking forward to the questions!
Motherhood on the Rocks recently posted..LINK’N BLOG #10
Im terrified… Honestly LOL
As a single Mom of two older teenagers too, they will ask you everything and they will want an honest answer, I have tattoos and was a wild child too. The flip side is when they start telling you everything they do. I didn’t need to know when my children lost their virginity (they decided I HAD to know) or smoked pot for the first time (my daughter freaked out and I had to go get her) or any of the other crazy normal teenage experimentation that went on. I will say our relationship is great but sometimes I have to tell them to stop its TMI!
That is totally my relationship with my mother. What she has heard, no mother can un-hear….
Meredith recently posted..This is a Big Fucking Deal, people.
Yikes. I just don’t even want to think about all that. If I stay in my little denial bubble it will all go away. Right??
I have decided, regarding tattoos, that I will tell my children to draw or even better have the tattoo artist draw a picture of the exact tattoo they want. Write down the exact position of the tattoo. Even better have the tattoo artist draw the tattoo on them and take a picture. Keep it for ten years. Then take a good look at it. If they have changed their mind at all about the tattoo, if they would tweak it in any way, change the color, position, get something totally different, then they shouldn’t get a tattoo. If they still love that tattoo exactly as it is after ten years, then heck, make it permanent.
Rachael recently posted..7 Quick Takes Friday: Superman, Lemons & Baby Spotting
OH MAN. That is some awesome voo doo reverse psychology shit! My hat is off to you.
Meredith recently posted..This is a Big Fucking Deal, people.
I have two tattoos that I’ve gotten in the last year. While I believe this to be a brilliant thing if we are talking random tattoos that have no meaning other than OOOOOH PRETTYYYY, I feel like it wouldn’t apply to either of mine. (I considered, for a long time after I turned 18, getting a Jessica Galbreth Faery tattooed on me. After this VERY consideration, I decided against it.)
My first is a mother/daughters matching tattoo that I got with my mom and my sister that has my DD’s name in it. There’s nothing about that tattoo I’d change, even in 100 years. She’s my DD now, she’ll be my DD in 100 years. Same goes for it matching my mom and my sister. The second, while may seem silly, frivolous, and childish to others, is the book version of a golden snitch. The HP series was a godsend for me, as I started reading it at a time in my life that I needed a little magic. I can’t even begin to explain what it means to me, and why I chose to make it a permanent part of my body.
My 4 year old DD recently asked me where babies come from…..my first reaction was uncomfortable laughter. She proceeded to tell me she thought babies came from kisses and milk(so cute). After i finally wrapped my head around the fact i was going to have to tell her something, I just simply explained that it was something that happens between a mommy and daddy and that she wasn’t old enough to understand the other details. Thankfully her reaction was, “O.K. mommy”.
WHEW. That was a close one, my friend. My kids have moved on from sex to death. So…….tat’s tons of fun, too.
Meredith recently posted..This is a Big Fucking Deal, people.
You may want to consider starting back to drugs once they hit the teens. Especially if you have girls…..Just sayin’.
I’m considering it now and she’s only 4.
Meredith recently posted..This is a Big Fucking Deal, people.
I feel you haha when both my husband and i are so sorry for all hell we put our parents through as teenagers. We will get punished for that In about 14 yrs from now i am sure
Circle of life, friend.
Meredith recently posted..This is a Big Fucking Deal, people.
If kids rebel against being you, then being a wild child yourself might provide you some protection from your children growing up to be wild children. This hypothesis however scares the CRAP out of me as my husband and I both came from tiny villages where everybody knew you and your parents so the worst thing I ever managed to get away with was the 1/3 bottle of beer we stole from a friend’s uncle’s house that one time. I have no tattoos, earrings, and have never colored my hair anything wilder than “natural brown.” My husband came home from school and did additional math with his Mom. WILLINGLY.
Thus although my children are small I know we are doomed. DOOMED.
Alexis recently posted..Cry it Out When and Why?
You have my sympathy in advance.
Meredith recently posted..This is a Big Fucking Deal, people.
Maybe I will get a tattoo, so that it will be deemed totally uncool by my offspring. I dread the teen years.
Mamarific recently posted..Surviving the Tag-Team Family Vacay
Glad to know I am not alone in this.
If my daughter turns out anything like I was when I was a teen, I see mutual restraining orders in our future.
Meredith recently posted..This is a Big Fucking Deal, people.
I have two tattoos, both inked after I turned 36 years old. I love them, and I explain them to my typical kid very simply. They’re tattoos, they are meaningful to me and if you want one, you can get one after you’re 18 and below the neck, please.
My dad was a wild child and quite frankly, I enjoyed hearing the stories (smoking by 8, drinking by 10, shipped off to the countryside, flipping more than one car, practically failing out of his first semester of college) because it made me feel safe. Nothing I could even think of would have been half as bad as he actually did!
I wish I had these things to worry about with my older kid, who has autism. Our worries with him are so different. I’m looking forward to tackling these things with my typical kid!
Alisa R recently posted..All Hail, Sleep-Away Camp Approacheth
First off — your Dad is a bad ass.
Second — thank you. A healthy dose of perspective is always welcome in my little world.
Meredith recently posted..This is a Big Fucking Deal, people.
Meredith, I have every intention of lying through my teeth. I suggest you follow my lead.
That post was awesome. I knew there was a reason I loved you (besides your writing chops). We seem to have shared an equally demonic past.
I’m lying about it.
Guerrilla Mom recently posted..It’s not me, it’s you.
You are as wise as you are funny, my dear. “Lying — it’s how to tell you your kids about your past.” The More You Know.
Meredith recently posted..This is a Big Fucking Deal, people.
One time I smoked weed with a guy named “Little John” and then I went to the dorm bathroom and couldn’t find my own reflection in the mirror, but could see everything else behind me. All I could think at the time was “They’ll have to tell my mom how I died…”
It’s funny now. But, will not be funny if my kids ask me about my dumbass mistakes. I do not plan to be honest about this one. Or the wet t-shirt contest I entered in Myrtle Beach…
Off Duty Mom recently posted..A Happy Day
LOL.
Meredith recently posted..This is a Big Fucking Deal, people.
My son has just entered the teenage years and my daughter isn’t far behind and I’m shaking in my booties! I do believe in honesty but I think that I may gloss over a few things just to be safe. You never know when they’re gonna want to be “just like Mom”……..
Kat recently posted..My two loves: internet and reading
God’s speed, my friend.
Meredith recently posted..This is a Big Fucking Deal, people.
My mother always told us, her four daughters, that she hoped our children behaved exactly like we did growing up. Cursed or not, that’s pretty much what happened.
DarleneMAM recently posted..Andrew Zimmern’s Prosciutto & Fontina Gougeres: Nope
Yup. I got the same thing. And my daughter is turbo crazy.
Meredith recently posted..This is a Big Fucking Deal, people.
I have 3 young kids (8, 5, 1), and I am also worried about the teenager years. For me, the stupidity really continued on until I was about 30. Even today, at 40, my husband and I have been known to bring our kids to a family friendly beer garden and even The Belmont Stakes. They often stand by on Friday evenings as an array of our pals stroll into the bar in the back of our garage. Especially with my 8-year-old, I am beginning to worry that all of this is truly setting a bad example. On the flip side, I wonder if they are exposed to this kind of light “partying” if they will take it as just normal. You know, like kids in Europe supposedly do. Overall, though, I hope they can have a good time and stay alive and healthy as well. Fingers crossed. Hands in prayer.
Kids over here dont think getting drunk is as big of a deal because its not a “taboo” thing. you don’t see a lot of 20 and 21 year olds binge drinking here like you do in the states. In ways the relaxed attitudes towards drinking (bringing kids into the pubs, kids being allowed to drink younger) is a much better thing! By casually drinking around your kids your taking the mystery out of it!
Rach recently posted..I’m not good at withholding information…
I agree. I mean, you can only do what you can do. You can go the strict way or the relaxed way and you can end up with kids who never drink or overdo it. Just love them and keep money set aside for bail, I guess.
Meredith recently posted..This is a Big Fucking Deal, people.
Teens don’t want to wear what you wear, they don’t want to watch what you watch, they don’t want to go where you go but they sure want to do what you did? I have a 4 year old too and I thought THAT was hard. When he asks me questions I can’t or don’t want to answer, I just hand him LEGOs. Are you saying that isn’t going to work that much longer?????!!!!
Don’t be too hard on yourself! The fact that you’re already worrying about it and contemplating the right answers shows you’re a good parent. And the lessons you teach now– you know the ones they pay no attention to– will sink in later when they have to make those adult decisions as teens – the Do I? or Don’t I? They better work anyway because that’s all I got too and I’m counting on it!!!
Kim at notmymomsblog recently posted..My new bike
On the other hand, if you hand your teenager a bunch of Legos when they ask you uncomfortable questions that might distract them enough for you to change the subject.
Meredith recently posted..This is a Big Fucking Deal, people.
Oh Lord, I was the quintessential “good girl” in high school. I did *nothing* – I didn’t even skip class. At least you’ll be prepared to deal with your kids. My kids had been smoking pot in the house for God-knows-how-long and telling me they burned something on the stove or in the oven. AND I BOUGHT IT! It wasn’t until my then-fiance came over one night and asked who’d been smoking pot in the house that they were busted. I guess they figured they’d get it over on him, too, bein’ as he was raised Mormon. My good Mormon husband raised more hell with a girl he met at a church dance than I ever considered doing.
I wish I’d been a little more “bad” in high school; then maybe I would have been a little better equipped to deal with “normal” teenagers. You did it and lived through it and have stories that might help them choose a better path. Or not. But at least you’ve had experiences that will help them out.
GunDiva recently posted..So. We’re On Fire. Again.
I kinda love that that “GunDiva” was a good girl who can’t identify pot. You are complex. I like it.
Meredith recently posted..This is a Big Fucking Deal, people.
Oh so much to think about…
I too felt I was going to be honest, open and up front but I think I am just as chicken as my parents. I think I am okay about lying through my teeth about NOT doing drugs or EVER drinking in high school.
I do think you have the right idea though. Excuse me while I go change into socks and sandals and maybe some overalls to boot ;)
Ooohhhhh overalls. Good one. I think you are going to need to add a hat. I’m thinking…..bike helmet.
Meredith recently posted..This is a Big Fucking Deal, people.
I don’t have much that I can tell my children that I did when they become teenagers. I never did drugs or went out to get drunk. I never understood the appeal of either one of these. I have two tattoos, which I’ve gotten in the last year. One is a tribal heart with tribal butterfly wings with my DD’s name in it (the design itself is a mother/daughters matching tattoo). The other is the book version of a golden snitch. Not a whole lot to explain with either of those, except why I chose to put them in places that formal wear won’t necessarily hide. :|
(I suppose I could explain that while I am not against tattoos, I am totally against signing for a tattoo for them before they are 18. There’s no way in hell they are blaming me for a tattoo that they may live to regret.)
It is really nice to have a kid who is so talkative and conscious of everything. I love to have a kid that has the kind of attitudes because I am a willing mom to answer every single questions she is going to ask.
Erica Smash recently posted..Lose Excess Weight Successfully
My kids are 5 1/2 and 3, and while i have no tattoos to prove it, I did my fair share of experimenting. I am not looking forward to those questions. I can say that my parents were relatively honest with me, and for the record both of parents were way cooler than I was. I think it helped me make “slightly” smarter decisions.
kisha recently posted..All About Dads: Fathers Have Something To Do With It
I love it. My oldest is 2 and I am already preparing as well. I don’t have tattoos, but there are plenty of stories that involve Zima, a drug dealer and premarital sex, so I will get my due soon enough. Love the post and will check out your blog asap.
Christie O. Tate recently posted..Mommies, Lend The Daddies Your Weapons
I always think of what Ozzie Osbourne tells his kids: “If you don’t want to be like everybody else, then don’t get a tattoo.” ;)
Mod Mom Beyond IndieDom recently posted..Mod Mom’s Book Of Questionable Nursery Rhymes
I have three teenagers and although I’ve vowed to tell them the truth if they ask, they haven’t! They think I’m so square that they have never considered I had another life before “them.” And don’t worry…the teenage years have their challenges for sure but it’s fun too! They’re little grownups with opinions and funny insights. I love it!
Christina Baglivi Tinglof recently posted..Your Twin Pregnancy–Week Ten to Twelve
When my kids wanted to know how the seed gets in the mommy to make the baby, I used my usual, “What do YOU think?” My 5 year old daughter says, “I know! The mom EATS the seed!” Prompting my husband to poke me and snicker, “Hear that, Sweetie? She has to EAT it.”