Jill Smokler, AKA Scary Mommy
@scarymommy
Latest posts by Jill Smokler, AKA Scary Mommy (see all)
- The Disney Reveal - May 14, 2013
- Met My Match At Disney… - May 13, 2013
- Sunday’s Baltimore Sun - May 11, 2013
I came across this picture yesterday.
I vividly remember when it was taken– Ben was almost two and still horribly attached to the pacifier. I had vowed again and again to finally take it away, but with a new baby around, it was just impossible for me to be hard on him. It was literally plastered to his mouth 24/7; he would take it out to speak (occasionally) and eat. That was it. I felt like the most horrible mother in the world and remember thinking that he might, actually, be that kid who goes to college using a pacifier.
The same thing happened with diapers. He was tough and I was lazy and the two were a dangerous combination. It was easier to just keep him in Pull-Ups than deal with the mess. I was cleaning up enough piss with a newborn, and the fewer accidents, the better. I remember thinking that he might, actually, be that kid who goes to kindergarten in diapers.
After months and months of half-assed attempts, suddenly the pacifier and diapers just seemed to disappear overnight. There was no drama and no great production– when it was time, it was time. He was ready.
Seeing that big pacifier plastered to his face reminded me that my kids (all kids?) seem to do things so much better on their own time. Some nights, it seems like Jeff and I will never have our bed back to ourselves or that I’ll never been done wiping little boy tushes, but I know the day will be here too soon. It all goes by so fast and some things just aren’t worth the fight until they’re ready.
Besides, if anyone is going to be that kid, it’s Evan. And, by number three you just don’t care anymore.
{ 71 comments… read them below or add one }
I don’t have the will for the diaper fight so my first three were never potty trained until they said they wanted to be. For all of them, it happened right at their third birthday. I’m taking the same approach with the last. Some things just aren’t worth a fight — that’s one of them.
Dana recently posted..What comes in- must go out
It’s just not a fight that ever seems to end well. If the kid isn’t ready, it’s going to be hell. Who wants to deal with that?
LOVE it! I am passing this on to Mom friends who are worried about these things.
Scargosun recently posted..Writers Workshop- Stall Her!
“he was tough and I was lazy” — I so relate to that!
Leigh recently posted..Monday Handsome
We’re going through the same thing with bottles. She still gets one at night (and occasionally even during the day). I know it’s horrible, but I just can’t stand the screaming…
The screaming kills me. Typed while my youngest is screaming his head off.
I just had this vision of a bunch of college kids walking around with pacifiers, or dinkys, in their mouths :-) I always say this: I’m not a kid mom but I do have nieces, nephews and friends with kids and from what I’ve seen, it’s easier to just let them progress in their own time because they are all different. He’s a cutie!
Kim recently posted..Helping a Stranger
I think those are beer bottles and bongs in your vision. Big babies. ;)
I am so with you on this. My daughter held fast to her bottles until she was almost 2. Then one day she said she wanted to throw them away. So I let her. She was ready. Same with sippy cups. She threw them away herself. She was daytime potty trained by the time she was 3 – and I had very little to do with it. She remained in a nighttime pull up until she was 4 and announced one night when she was getting ready for bed, that she did not want a diaper on. And we’ve had no accidents since that declaration. She’s 5.5 now and she still sucks her thumb at night. I worry sometimes that she will be THAT kid, but I also remember all the other changes she’s made on her own, in her time, and I take some comfort in the fact that she uses it to fall asleep and that’s it. And before everyone gets in my face… yes… I know it’s bad for her teeth… I know. But… as much as I hate to wave the flag of defeat or use excuses… I am a single mom and full time student. I choose my battles wisely. And that’s one I’m just not prepared to take on at this time.
Thank you for this post! It’s nice to know I’m not the only one who believes that children do what we expect them to. In their time.
It’s all about choosing those battles– and a single mom and student? Oy– you don’t need ANY battles!
Its funny I totally see your point and makes perfect sense but I was the total opposite….bottle was yanked at 8 months, Only my oldest used a pacifier and we took that away at 6 months and so far two out of three were potty trained immediately after their second birthday….(third one is only one year so we’ll see!) I just always saw these things as one more thing I had to maintain so the sooner it was done the sooner we could move on. But ya know its funny because there is always another challenge right around the corner so I am not sure it makes it easier but just brings us to that next challenge that much faster….does that make sense??
Makes total sense. Really, I’m just lazy and a baby about making them cry– I could afford to be a bit tougher for sure.
When my #1 was supposed to walk, the pediatrician says, ‘everybody’s walking in kindergarten. It’s not a race.’ Glad you’re up on this tidbit now; will make the rats race of high school, sports, SATs, college admissions, GPA and the gluttony of ridiculous comparisons people use measure success more tolerable. They all get there, in their own time.
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I wish my pediatrician were like that– I’m the more lax one which isn’t a great dynamic.
Oh. I love this.
Great reminder. : )
He is a sweetie!
Life with Kaishon recently posted..Everything you could possibly want to know about apples & a corny joke!
look at that satisfied smile! this is a good reminder that in the end, your kids will all turn out just fine and there is no need to worry so much about following a time line or staying completely on track with the mile stones. i actually wish my problem is that my baby is still using his pacifier. he doesn’t take one at all so when he cries, he just lets it all out. i watched babies last night (the movie) and it was just so neat to see how all the babies progressed differently but in the end? they still all stood up and walked.
Artemis Clover: The real L.A. love story. recently posted..The Making of King Ch 11
Mine is 2 and showing no interest whatsoever in the potty. Pretty embarrassing considering I was the Potty Ambassador for Pull-Ups a few months back and we are STILL not successful. But, it is what it is. The kid is not ready. So, I have stopped trying to force it. When he is ready, I’ll know it.
Now if only my husband and other family members could understand that! I get sick and tired of the comments or even better the suggestions, “well have you tried this”. Many just assume I’m being lazy which is BS, I know that it is a complete waste of time and effort right now since he is not showing any true signs of readiness.
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Evan will be three in less than two months and is TOTALLY uninterested. It’s surprising since he has two big siblings he likes to keep up with, but he just doesn’t care.
I keep hoping my kids will grow out of throwing all their crap on the floor but so far that doesn’t seem to be happening ;)
I refused to give up bottles – had a MAJOR oral fixation. My mom knew that as a smart late-December baby I’d be going to kindergarten early (at 4) and was thus extra concerned about getting me off the bottles before that time. Meanwhile, all I wanted (besides bottles) was a Barbie… so when I was 3 my older sister had the genius idea of a bribe: bottles for Barbie. She and my mom told me that the way you got a Barbie was to donate all your old bottles to the hospital (for the new babies) and in return they’d give you a Barbie as thanks. I fell for it hook line and sinker. The first night, however, was bad – to this day if I want my sister to feel horrible guilt, all I have to do is repeat my tearful lament from that horrible evening – “I don’t want a Barbie anymore!!!”
I played with Barbies until I was WAY too old. And now with a girl, I get to play with them again. It’s the best.
We are in the middle of the potty training showdown and really, I could give a rat’s ass. Also, my son still sucks one bottle (of water) a day.
P.S. He’s almost three.
P.P.S. He’s the youngest.
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Great post! Btw, you mean “…if anyone IS” in the last couple sentences, don’t you? ;-)
Jen recently posted..food- glorious food
Fucking typos. Yes, that’s what I meant. :)
I don’t worry about these things- never have. In part it is because in my family we have always just done things on our time. It is how I grew up and how I still am. One day these things are needed and than they just aren’t.
Some fights are better off being avoided, if possible.
Jack recently posted..This Time
How funny! I was convinced that my now 4 year old would be the first kid ever to go off to college in diapers. But when he was 3 years 9 months old he finally was potty trained. I also thought he’d never stop sucking his thumb. We til him he had to stop when he turned 4. Guess what? He actually listened to us and stopped sucking his thumb! Now if he’d only learn to read and write! :-)
drlori71 recently posted..10-10-10
See, *that’s* the hard stuff!
THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!!
You and my mom are the only people who have said this.
My 18 month old daughter still gets bottles at night and nap (milk not formula)
My 3 year old is NOT INTERESTED in potty training. My mom keeps shrugging and trying to convince me it’s no big deal, “it’ll happen when they are ready.”
And everyone else looks at me incredulously, “He’s not potty trained? Mine were out of diapers at 18 months.” Well, fuck-a-doodle doo for you then.
Thank you for being as lazy as I am, and your son for being as stubborn as mine is. I’ll keep making half-assed attempts at potty training Tyler, so I can at least say I’m trying… and be confident that it will eventually happen.
JustMom420zaks recently posted..Church Day
It will eventually happen. Listen to your mother!! ;)
With parenting everything always just seems to be the hardest thing to do… until the next thing. I bet the really hardest thing will be when they go.
Jennifer recently posted..Busy- busy weekend
I am amazed at his ability to give that huge smile with that paci still in his mouth. Adorable!
Keyona recently posted..Sick Days
He is precious and I am learning with Miles the same thing. He is just not ready for the potty yet. We finally yanked the paci from him when he started using it all the time and hiding them and we figured out Violet was never going to use one. I really think each child has his or her own timeline. And yes – with the 3rd all care is gone.
If VIolet is as easy as Sophia to potty train she will be done before Miles. That is odd.
Brittany at Mommy Words recently posted..A Letter to My Pre-Schoolers on Love- Hate and Bullies
Thank you for this post! You know those judgemental mommy friends who think they do everything perfectly? I’ve got a couple of those, and they keep pressuring me about the potty training. Amelia is NOT ready! And I have no problem with her in Pull-Ups for a while longer. The only real deadline we have is September 2011, for school. I have lots of time. And clearly, more patience than those who choose to rush things.
The paci disappeared overnight, just 2 weeks ago. She is 2-1/2 years old.
Yes, I am quite familiar with those friends. They suck.
Be glad it is just the friends, with me it is the FIL…
I had those big ugly brown pacifiers (Binky’s) until I was 3, maybe 4. And I didn’t just have one. Oh no. I had ELEVEN. One for my mouth and the others for all over my body when I was sleeping (for example, one ringed around each big toe). But I gave them up on my own.
And my oldest? I swore he would never ever potty train. And then one day, at 3.5, he did it. He was just ready. And he trained both day and night at the same time.
I’m in no hurry with #2…but it would sure be nice to be out of diapers!
Kmama recently posted..Buster Fun
My kids were ALL the same way– one paci wasn’t enough, sometimes they sucked on two at once. Lovely.
Yes it is lovely isn’t it. I am saving the pictures for future punishments : break curfew two times = picture of you with the two pacifiers has a date with the internet.
My first boy LOVED his “bink”. He would only take the kind without the handle. It was my life preserver. When nothing else in the world would stop his wailing, Mr. Bink could. He was always coming to my rescue. Then when the boy turned 2 and Mr. Bink was no longer his friend. I knew were we done with Bink when I’d pop it in his mouth and he’d toss it across the room and say NO! Boy number 2 was another story entirely. The only thing that worked on him was the boob!
Diane recently posted..Why
I waited nearly seven years to have my second…and it is SO different. I don’t worry about things NEARLY as much, I let the baby discover and progress on her timeline…all the things I wished I was capable of with my first.
That being said, that’s the natural progression of motherhood…and you just have to let it happen.
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Thank bejeezus that I no longer feel like the worst mom on earth that my 18 mo old LOVES his “baba.” One (milk) when he first wakes up, another (milk) at nap, and then a bottle of water at bed time. He drinks from his sippy without difficulty, but he does love his bottle.
Great post! It is good to reminded and reassured that kids will do things at their own pace. I’ve given up with the timers and spending long days in the bathroom with my 3 1/2 year old trying to force him to potty train. I know one day it’ll click, but it is oh so annoying when people make it seem like it is the end of the world that he isn’t fully potty trained yet.
And if I had to look at Evan’s cute face who looked so happy with his pacifier, he could’ve probably kept his binky until he was 4! :)
Joanne recently posted..Back to the Future Recreated
I was lucky enough to avoid the pacifier. Grace used it for maybe the first 2 weeks but then refused to take it.
Potty training was a totally different story though. We introduced the potty at 18 months (I was a hopeful mom). We didn’t push her to use it, we just let her know it was there if she wanted it. She decided to start using it on her own at 3 years old after she saw her older cousin using the potty. She was ready and it was easy.
MentalMom recently posted..The Day I Felt Like a Bad Mom and How I Got Over It
There’s no reason for an almost two year old to have a pacifier. That’s just lazy ass parenting.
I can relate to everything in your post… had the same happen with my kid, even though I am so happy he was never a pacifier lover. He spit them out from the very first day I tried to give him one. Suckling on his thumb though… that’s a different story. He held on tight to blankies until he was about 6 years old (he’s 8 now), and he gave up drinking milk from a bottle at about 4 or 5 years old. Now, I’m just waiting for the day when he decides he’s ready to stop peeing all over around but never inside the toilet… hope it happens any time soon!!! T_T
From my life to yours. Enjoy it all.
An Authentic Life recently posted..A Girl and A Camera
this is awesome! thanks. very reassuring
This totally rang true tonight, Jill. Thanks! My soon-to-be two year old still loves sleeping with her paci and the idea of taking it away has been stressing me out! I totally agree that letting her give it up on her own timeline is the way to go. Thanks for reminding me that that day will come!
My son never wanted to ride a bike when he was little. He was always afraid that he would fall and hurt himself. I was always sad that he did not get to do the childhood ritual, but last week (he turend 15) and wanted a bike as his gift. 2 days later he is riding it by himself and will venture to school next week.
My husband took away his bottle at 2 and he stopped drinking milk for 5 years after that and I swore I would never force him to do something he did not want.
This is all so true. My son was the same way and did not actually get potty trained until just after I started homeschooling him. :/ But at least we planned on doing that anyway. My daughter is being just as difficult. She knows how to go but is lazy and is waiting for that magical day in her head. But many times it’s just not worth the fight. They’ll grow up soon enough. :)
They so do things in their own time. I remember teasing my little sister, my mom’s third that she was going to be peeing her pants in kindergarten or still in diaper. Must be something about kid number 3, and probably after. Oh, and I don’t think she peed her pants once in kindergarten and the diapers were gone. (If she ever finds this, she’ll kill me, you only have about 60 million blog readers, right, she’ll never know).
Kristine recently posted..Inspired Somewhere Over the Rainbow Edition
It all seems to work out. I think that once they feel that you will not entertain a showdown, that certain behaviors become less appealing. In other words you always want what you can’t have….until you get it! Kids are no exception to this rule:) Enjoy your week!
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Something is wrong with this post, but what….?
Ah yes, there are no pitchforks being raised, no bitchy comments (except Madge), no ‘OMGyouterribleterriblemothercallchildprotectionservicesrightnow’ comments.
I am impressed.
My third child would NOT give those things up. When she was 3-something, the dentist pointed out that they were messing with her teeth. So I cut the ends off – just a teensy piece off of each one. When she’d find one and pop it in her mouth, it didn’t work. She’d look at it in disgust and pitch it in the trashcan herself. I felt a little guilty, but hey – it worked.
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LOL in the immortal words of my aunt “By the third one, as long as they dont shoot heroine in the living room when company is over, you dont really care” This is the reason I am stopping at two.
I had the binky and potty training showdown with my oldest and its an exact repeat with my 2 year old. And I too cant stand to make them cry, guess I am a great big lazy wuss. But hey as long as its gone by kindergarten its all good to me.
I was just lamenting THIS MORNING about how my 3 year old is not yet potty-trained and worse yet, still has a pacifier at night or when upset. My husband and I divorced last year and it just seems so much harder to deal with these issues when she’s not with me three days out of the week. Consistency is key and unfortunately we don’t have it. And he’s a pushover for her. I just heard from another mom that my kid had her pacifier in the ENTIRE time she was at a bday party last week!!!! Forget potty training! My kid already is THAT kid! Thank you for at least making me feel better about it. :)
So, so true. My 2 year old basically toilet trained himself. He also feeds himself. While I still sometimes feed my 5 year old! Ha. Seriously, they do things on their own time. I’m also so much less stressed with the second, you know?
LOL. By number three you just don’t care anymore. Sure you do, but you always think what’s the rush, I’ll just take care of it tomorrow.
Well, really, is a pacifier so bad?
It can be his “thing” to attract ladies in bars, like that creepy pick-up artist suggests.
Never mind, answered my own question.
So, my son is four and a half and not potty trained. His preschool teachers are pushing it and wanting him to wear underwear at school but he is really not making much progress, he pretty much has accidents every time. I’m so torn between trying to get him to go and letting him do it in his own time. So, sometimes I try to remind myself that he will get it in his own time and not be too stressed about it.
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It’s completely true. They’ll give it up when they are ready and usually with a minimum of fuss. It happened with all three of mine. My kids were addicted to bottles up until like 3. I was actually embarrassed by it and wouldn’t give them one in public at all but still did at home, I so did not want to deal with the fall out. My mom kept telling me not to worry, it was comforting to them. We limited it to naptime/bedtimes etc… and when we finally weaned it away completely it was like no big deal.
zeemaid recently posted..Chair Renovation
What a cute picture! We also had the battle of the binks in my house (I also have three children) and I couldn’t wait for pacifiers to be a thing of the past. Now I miss those days…
See the picture tugs at the heartstrings, doesn’t it? :)
Lisa recently posted..Salted Caramel Hot Chocolate
After hearing the horror stories of people with kids and their pacifiers I vowed that I wouldn’t go down that route at all with my son. We never introduced a pacifier and so there was never anything to take away except the bottle which I just took and threw in the trash one day. I believe that kids adapt pretty quickly to change its the parents that have the hard time getting over things. I learned that when I took Daylan to daycare for the first time it was the hardest thing ever and the teacher told me its the parents that are the ones who don’t adjust well the kids do fine.
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I love this Jill. Love, love, love it.
I love the way he actually manages to look handsome, even with the pacifier in his mouth. Look out for this guy when he grows up. I’m all for giving kids time. Hell I need time. And I always find, if I give it to myself, I eventually snap out of whatever it is I’m doing I hate. Same rule should apply for kids.
Betsy recently posted..What happens when we turn off the TV
Im potty training number 2 now. I agree in the “all in their own time” theory. It worked great with my son…. and seems to be going well with my dd too.
Your last line cracked me up though- my friends Aunt use to tell us all the time… with the 1st child when the pacifier fell on the floor you right away ran to the sink to clean it thoroughly, with the second child when it fell on the floor you’d pick it up and wipe it off with your shirt… with the 3rd you let the dog clean it. lol
(Obviously exaggerated- but so true how we loosen up after our first)
Corine (Complicated Mama) recently posted..I Dated John Mayer too- Taylor
I feel so much better now! My two and a half year old boy is still in diapers, still has a binky and still prefers his milk in a bottle (though not in public…)… I often feel like I should be making more of an effort… But now I’ m wholeheartedly embracing the “he gets there when he gets there” philosophy!
I passed a blog award on to you for having an awesome blog, and linked to your blog from mine. The award is “The Versatile Blogger” and you definitely deserve… CHEERS!
Lisa recently posted..Salted Caramel Hot Chocolate
I think you’re absolutely right about kids doing things on their own time. We know that they will ALL eventually quit the bottle, the binkie, and become potty-trained. So what’s the rush if they take a little longer than their little friends? My one and only child stopped the bottle over night. Same with the binkie. He was simply done. He’s turning 3 in a few days and just now showing interest in the potty. It’s been nice not to have to battle with him over anything or force him to adapt or develop more quickly than he’s ready. He’s a happier kid for it and I’m definitely a happier mommy. I say to each their own and on their own time!
-Aimee
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I have always been very stubborn and independent. I sucked my thumb (along with a beloved pillowcase) until the first grade. BUT when I started preschool, I wouldn’t do it around the other kids, once I realized that they didn’t need to suck their thumbs. Same in kindergarten. Then one day after I let my mother wash it, I didn’t want it back. Moral of the story, I think, is to attempt gently to get him to leave it alone (at least for short periods of time, building up to longer ones). BUT if that just doesn’t work for him, let him have the damn pacifier. It’s not worth the trauma, tantrums, screaming, crying, etc. Seriously, it’s a tiny piece of plastic and rubber (or whatever); it’s not worth it. And if he shows up at kindergarten with it, who cares? I’ll bet he’ll take it out himself and hide it for shame of feeling like a baby.
OMG! Thank you for writing this. My son, who is now 8 was not attached to ANYTHING (binkie, bottle, blankie, etc..), he went to sleep when I said bed time, and was easy to potty train. Now I have a 1 1/2 year old, and she has it all, the binkie I tried to take away a few weeks ago, only to be forced to run to the drug store mid meltdown to get new ones, and she looks at the potty as though its a toy to play with, grabbing the pieces and running around with them, and I don’t even wanna get started on sleeping. I’ll be incapable of sleeping (out of routine) by the time she sleeps a night through or goes to bed when I want her to. It all freaks me out, because I never had any of it with my son. I am constantly reminding myself, she isn’t even 2 yet, chill mama!