Jill Smokler, AKA Scary Mommy
@scarymommy
Latest posts by Jill Smokler, AKA Scary Mommy (see all)
- The Disney Reveal - May 14, 2013
- Met My Match At Disney… - May 13, 2013
- Sunday’s Baltimore Sun - May 11, 2013
When Christine isn’t shuffling her two children all over Brooklyn for so-called “enrichment” or pining away for a dishwasher (you should see her hands!) she tries to write. She blogs about music, motherhood and that requisite touch of madness at Quasi Agitato. She’s also mid-way through A Major Production, a cabaret-style musical about her experience of motherhood.
Have you heard of the “actor’s nightmare?” Actors have ‘em a lot. It’s opening night and as the curtain rises and the first notes of the overture ring out over the packed house, you realize you can’t remember a bloody thing about this show. Chaos ensues.
In these dreams, I can’t remember what costume I’m supposed to wear when, how long I have for my costume change (hint: it’s never long enough), what line I’m supposed to enter on, or what order the scenes go in. I spend a lot of time, half-naked, running around dimly lit backstage corridors, desperately trying to “beat the clock” but losing pitifully.
I’ve been having these nightmares for a long time. They’re stressful, but familiar. Recently, however, my subconscious threw me for a loop and introduced me to The Actor/Mom’s Nightmare.
In this dream, I’ve landed a role on Broadway and must, for the first time since becoming a mother, balance my duties onstage with my duties at home. My solution to this dilemma? I’ll bring the kids with me! They’ll hang out with my friend who’ll be working at another Broadway house (we’ll call that Theatre A) while I do my show** at Theatre B, just down the street. Then, when my show comes down, I’ll collect my kids and we’ll all return to Brooklyn together, one big, happy, show business family.
Only it turns out to be not-so-simple.
I think it’ll be easiest for you to join me in my nocturnal escapades if I present them to you in screenplay format.
Scene I: INTERIOR NYC SUBWAY CAR – My children and I have nabbed the highly coveted window seat. Through said window we see the sun setting behind the Statue of Liberty.
SON: Mom, where are we going?
ME: Manhattan.
SON: Why?
ME: Because I have to go to work.
SON: You got a job?
ME: Yes! I did! Isn’t that wonderful?
SON: I guess. It’s just…it’s kind of late for a school night.
ME: Hmmmm…
Scene 2: The kids and I elbow our way out of the subway and onto the packed sidewalks of Times Square.
CUT TO: me checking my watch and launching into panic mode. Unfortunately nothing I say or do can make my kids move any faster.
Scene 3: The kids and I finally arrive at theatre A!
At 9pm.
CUT TO: me, undeterred, deciding to leave the kids with my friend anyway and continue on to theatre B as planned. The show must go on!
But, that’s funny. Where is theatre B?
Scene 4: In a flash of brilliance, I decide to ask the throngs of tourists clogging 42nd street where my place of employment is located.
Scene 5: At last, I throw the theatre doors open and race through the lobby only to discover that the show HAS gone on. Without me.
CUT TO: me watching the show. Why not? It’s been a while and the kids are taken care of!
CUT TO: me realizing I have no memory of this show so it’s probably a good thing that I didn’t go on.
Scene 6: BACKSTAGE – I attempt to bribe the dance captain into doing some private rehearsals with me so I can keep my job.
DANCE CAPTAIN: You’re kidding, right? Ten dollars?!?
ME: Fifteen?
DANCE CAPTAIN: It’s my only day off!
ME: Twenty?
Scene 7: I collect my exhausted kids from theatre A and drag them back toward the Q train.
Apparently, Dream-Me has never heard of a taxi.
Or a babysitter.
As is often the case, this dream is connected to my reality.
When I started a family, I side-stepped into working with a Brooklyn-based theatre company so I could be both a performer and primary caregiver to my babies.
Now that my son (almost 10) and daughter (4) are both in school full time, it seems like they need me less. But how much less? Enough for me to try to get back out there? Could I leave town? Go on tour? How is this supposed to work? When, in an eight-show-a-week schedule, would I ever see my husband? I’m also older than the last time I did this. Could I hack it? Should I try, instead, to re-invent myself? Would that be easier or harder?
What interests and inspires me about Dream-Me is that she’s moved past this point. The one I’ve been stuck at for a while. She’s already landed the job. And it’s the dream job at that!
She isn’t perfect. She’s frazzled. Her plan is poorly thought-through. But she’s going for it. She hasn’t let herself get bogged down by the logistics. She remains resourceful and persistent and continues to move forward.
I kind of want to be her when I grow wake up.
** “My show” in this dream is a hybrid version of Mary Poppins and Cabaret. Someone please write this show IRL. Please. It’s a guaranteed hit and I’m perfect for the lead.
{ 34 comments… read them below or add one }
Christine, I loved that you wrote some of this post in screenplay format! I was feeling panicky for you!
I have no advice – only that you follow your dreams. Not nightmare, dreams. :)
Alison recently posted..Inertia
That was my evil plan. Glad to know it worked ;)
And I think your non-advice qualifies as good advice. Thank you.
Christine @ Quasi Agitato recently posted..Rejection
Thanks so much for having me here, Jill. I barely slept last night, I was so excited!
Christine @ Quasi Agitato recently posted..Rejection
Sounds like my life!!!!
Ha! I know what you mean. Like with any dream, there are elements of reality…
Christine @ Quasi Agitato recently posted..Hangin’ With Scary Mommy.
I’ve actually had the nightmare happen to me, kind-of. I was playing a wedding, and I had just finished the fanfare to “Here Comes the Bride.” And then I went to start . . . but, for whatever reason, I didn’t put the music up to read from.
Now, I know Wagner’s Wedding March . . . it’s the one piece that, while I’m sick of playing it, I play more than any other. But, right at that moment, I forgot it. And I forgot how to play organ. I believe the pause was only a second or two — where I had to tell myself “wait, you do know this and you do know what you’re doing,” and that might have even come across for dramatic effect to the wedding-goers. But, those couple of seconds, in my head, play on repeat and are scarier than any nightmare.
That dream, however, would freak me out . . . I’m already insane between work, parent, theater, and musical commitments — every now & then, I run across a “oh, shit, I have to be at multiple places at the same time.” The thing is, right now, my kids cannot function on their own, so they always win. And I have family babysitting close-by. But, those two realities will not always be . . . so, in some point, I’ll have to choose between the choices that your dream-self made. And that’s just as scary as not knowing the beginning to the piece as I’m playing it.
Lastly, I love that your dream-self chooses to do it all. Truly. Though, well, you know that a dance captain is going to need at least $50 to make it worth their time, right? ;-)
John recently posted..Where I recap blogher far too quickly
Oh I bet it totally came across for dramatic effect. Do you know the bride? Ask her. I bet she remembers it as fantasticly suspenseful.
And yes, most definitely AT LEAST $50.
Christine @ Quasi Agitato recently posted..Hangin’ With Scary Mommy.
I think I held my breath while reading this entire post… in a good way. Phew!
You can relate, perhaps? You also must have very strong lungs. Good for swimming. And parenting.
Christine @ Quasi Agitato recently posted..Hangin’ With Scary Mommy.
I don’t have kids, but I was engaged, I had a whole bunch of wedding nightmares. I looked down and my gown was sky-blue with orange flowers blooming all over it. The limo left without me and I’m chasing behind it on the highway. But the best was dreaming that the reception was held at White Castle.
June O’Hara recently posted..My Olympian Life
Oh my God, those are awesome! I bet you were happy to wake up.
Christine @ Quasi Agitato recently posted..Hangin’ With Scary Mommy.
I don’t know. I do love White Castle…
June O’Hara recently posted..My Olympian Life
I’m a waitress and if I told you my work nightmares you would probably cry. This was hilarious. I think I need to steal this idea. I promise I’ll give you credit.
Guerrilla Mom recently posted..Bloomberg cares about babies and boobs.
I was a horrible waitress for two weeks and had VERY similar dreams, now that you’re reminding me. Having to take a cab between the kitchen and the dining area. Having to cross busy streets carrying overloaded trays. OMG. I need a Xanax now. Also, steal away and let me know. I’ll come read.
Christine @ Quasi Agitato recently posted..Hangin’ With Scary Mommy.
I occasionally toy with the idea of going back to acting–but there’s currently not enough artistic energy in me to even have a dream about it (though I do still have the Actor’s Nightmare in it’s original form sometimes). Maybe when my kids (7 and 3) are older? But then, I’ll be older, too, right? Ah well, I had a good run!
I hear you, Kim. It won’t be easy and I may go down in flames. But I have to try. I really wish sometimes that my desire had just gone away…or been replaced by something “easier” but it seems to be a part of who I am. Sigh.
Christine @ Quasi Agitato recently posted..Hangin’ With Scary Mommy.
I think you’ll be awesome! No flames, just applause and fulfillment!!
I do believe my desire HAS gone away, for now anyway.
I look forward to hearing what’s next for you!!! Lots of love and xoxoxo
My nightmare is always that I am at college again, but with both kids at the ages they are now. I am forever trying to get to class while arranging childcare, and wondering why it’s taking me so long to graduate. But now I can take comfort with the fact that in my dreams, I’m never bribing a dance captain. Yet.
Nancy Davis Kho recently posted..Find Yourself a Lisa
I expect you’ll be bribing a professor before long. You can lay the blame on me. I’m a horrible influence.
Christine @ Quasi Agitato recently posted..Hangin’ With Scary Mommy.
I just hate dreams like that when they feel so real! I think your dreaming you isn’t giving yourself enough credit though. You could do it and you’d be amazing! I can already tell by the screenplay. :)
Kat recently posted..Going To A Blog Conference
Thanks, Kat! I would definitely come up with better IRL childcare but I can easily see myself forgetting what to do onstage…no matter how much rehearsal I had. The ole brain ain’t what it used to be ;)
Christine @ Quasi Agitato recently posted..Hangin’ With Scary Mommy.
You? Are freaking hilarious.
I have re-read this post twice now and just can’t get enough.
I never dream or have nightmares anymore. Mostly because when I finally do go to sleep I pass out from exhaustion. You should try it. Haha.
Another GREAT guest post on Scary Mommy. Thanks, Jill!!
Francesca recently posted..More Than Just a “Mommy Blogger” Infographic
But, if I slept well, what would I write about? Thanks for reading and commenting.
Christine @ Quasi Agitato recently posted..Hangin’ With Scary Mommy.
I’m loving the screen play format.
Like Francesca, I can’t remember the last time I had a dream. I wonder if this is a good, or a bad thing. I do recall that my last dream I was back in college and taking a math final….for a class I had ditched all semester. So maybe it’s a good thing I haven’t been doing any dreaming. :)
angie lee recently posted..How to Make a Sock Bun – {tutorial}
Yes, I have that dream where I wonder how I’m going to pass if I haven’t been in that class all year. And will that make my diploma retroactively worthless? Maybe I should sleep less.
Christine @ Quasi Agitato recently posted..Hangin’ With Scary Mommy.
Christine, that’s brilliant – funny and inspiring!
Aw. Thanks, Brooke. If you’re the (writer) Brooke I think you are, I thank you twice.
Christine @ Quasi Agitato recently posted..Hangin’ With Scary Mommy.
what a nerve wracking situation! The actors dream would be bad enough but the mom part really adds to the tension…well written,funny and obviously a real life component exists. Good luck with your journey.
Thanks, Dot!
Christine @ Quasi Agitato recently posted..Hangin’ With Scary Mommy.
I had this dream! Except that I brought my toddler backstage to sit in the green room while I went on, and he proceeded to explore the backstage area and eat screws that he found on the floor, so I had to make the decision (a VERY difficult one in the dream!) whether to finish the show or take him to the ER. I’m proud to say that even dream-me made the right choice and had her priorities straight.
I finished the show.
Kathy V. recently posted..I Didn’t Hump Anyone’s Leg. I Promise.
Ha! Kathy, that’s awesome. If I had remembered my part and made it to the theatre in time to go on, I expect I would have made the same decision.
Christine @ Quasi Agitato recently posted..Hangin’ With Scary Mommy.
Scene 5 is my favorite.
I wonder if you’ve seen Who Does She Think She Is?. Your questions about re-inventing yourself, hacking it, and so on remind me of the stories that film tells about artists who are also mothers.
Rachael recently posted..{this moment}
I haven’t seen it! Thanks for the recommendation. Sounds like exactly what I’m looking for.
Christine @ Quasi Agitato recently posted..How To Slack With Pride.
Normally I do not read post on blogs, however I would like to say that this write-up very compelled me to check out and do so! Your writing taste has been surprised me. Thank you, very nice post.