Liz writes about marriage, parenting and life in general at a belle, a bean & a chicago dog. Her cast of characters includes her cake-baking, adventure-racing, metrosexual husband, her overly-emotional tomboy, her high-maintenance diva and her cuddly, furry pup. This eclectic mix of personalities churns out top quality blog fodder faster than she can type it up.
It seems that with each stage of life, there comes a requisite question.
Once you’ve been dating someone for a while, you hear, “When will you two get married?”
Then as soon as you get married, you immediately her, “When will you two have a baby?”
And after Baby #1 is born, you’re pummeled with, “So, when’s #2 going to come?”
My kids are 2 years, 7 months apart, and while I cannot claim that I intentionally set out to have that exact spacing, I always thought it was pretty darn perfect.
I’m surprised by the number of times I’ve been asked by moms of 1, how far apart my girls are and if I like it that way. I always answer that it worked wonderfully for us because Baby #1 could do a few things for herself by the time Baby #2 arrived, yet my kids are still close enough in age to play together and have a lot in common.
I always wanted a couple years between my kids, and honestly, I confess that words like “completely insane” and “totally crazy” have come out of my mouth in regards to women who intentionally have their babies back-to-back.
I have a friend who gave birth to her first child just 12 minutes after I gave birth to my oldest, and she delivered her second baby a mere 19 months later. The day she delivered Baby #2, I distinctly remember sitting at the dinner table and saying to my husband, “How much would it suck if we were bringing home a newborn right now?”
But here’s the thing; I’ve changed my views.
Well, kinda.
I’ve been at this motherhood gig for 5 years now, and I can honestly say that I *now* see a lot of pros to having your kids close together. Sure, in many ways it’s like you have 2 babies on your hands for a while, but once you have them both walking and talking, drinking from a cup and feeding themselves, life gets so much better.
And as much as I do love the spacing of my girls (and would have needed to be heavily medicated to survive life with a newborn plus a 1 year old), I find myself hurrying up the aging process of my baby. She’s 2.5 now, but I catch myself saying things like, “I can’t wait to be done with diapers” and “When she gets a little older, we can take both girls to…” and “It will be so much different when she can ______ like Kate can.”
All the many, many, many things that make life with a baby such a challenge, will never, ever change. It doesn’t matter how many kids you have, or how far apart they are, there’s no denying the blood, sweat, and tears that goes into being a mom.
So to me? It’s become a matter of your personal “band-aid approach.” Do you prefer to rip out all of your arm hairs at once, even though you know the pain will be overwhelming and excruciating, simply because it’s over really fast and you can move on with life? Or do you prefer to tediously pluck your hairs, one by one, which takes a whole lot longer, but isn’t as painful?
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{ 118 comments… read them below or add one }
What a great analogy! The band approach! My kids are 2 years and 1 month apart and let me tell you: fucking chaos. I find myself pushing the youngest one into things much faster than I did with my first. He is 21 months old and I find myself looking at twin bed furniture online. And then I stop and say…what the fuck? I don’t want his sorry ass out of the crib yet??? Can totally relate!
Rachel {at} Mommy Needs a Vacation recently posted..2010- A Look Back
We are ripping it all off at once over here! Our boys are 15 months apart. Our reasoning: We want a big family, and we aren’t getting any younger. When we first started telling people we were pregnant with #2, I was prepared for a lot of “completely insane”‘s, but we actually heard some great stories about people who had siblings close in age and loved it. It’s still a little early to tell, but so far we are enjoying it. I just can’t wait for a day when I’m not pregnant or nursing (not since 10/08)!
Rip away, Kimberly! You’ll have a big ol’ bald spot for a while, but then it’ll grow back all at once and life will resume. :)
liz recently posted..Boys and Bowling Balls
I have heard moms defend both theories based on their choices, but I love your Band-Aid analogy! It makes it so much more tangible!
30ish Mama recently posted..Day 2- something I love about myself
*LOVE* the analogy! Our kids are fairly close in age (6 1/2, 4 1/2 and 2) so what does that make us? Rip-it-off-fast gluttons for pain? LOL Great post, Mama! :)
Thanks!
You may be gluttons for pain, but your way means you’ll come out the other side, look back at us pluckers, and laugh in our faces.
I prefer the slow approach. Pulling it off a little at a time, preferably after a shower so the adhesive has time to wear off a little!
I had my two kids about 3 years apart and it was pretty good. My daughter had just started using the big potty so we had a brief moment of excitement that we didn’t have to buy diapers and then Jake came along and it was diapers and wipes, and formula, oh my! all over again.
I’m pregnant with #3 now (funny how after two, a boy and a girl, no one asks you when you’re going to have another…) and hope that Jake will be potty trained soon after the baby is born.
So I guess the slow but less painful is my way to go. I also pluck, not wax, my eyebrows so there ya go.
Kristina (One Mom) recently posted..This isnt another New Years post Warning- This is super long because Im cramming all of my memory things from the last half of December into one ginormous post But there are pictures!
Um, I’d say the lack of questions from family about continuing to expand your brood is a whole other topic entirely. :)
liz recently posted..Boys and Bowling Balls
Hi! New here but I love this post. I have a 23 month old and a 6 month old, unplanned, but it’s working I guess. I do tend to push the older one to grow up and the younger one to stay young, which is totally opposite what you said but it’s what I see myself doing (does that mean I would have been better spreading them apart more???). I have friends who think I’m crazy but hey – I kinda like the rip it off approach. We’ll get to move past this baby stage a lot sooner than some folks and I for one like that. I much prefer the toddler age (what I know of it so far) than the baby stage – so much more fun (among other things). Great blog – I’ve enjoyed looking around.
Well, I have two girls 15 months apart. Unplanned? You betcha. It was an absolute nightmare for a few years because the second girl had terrible asthma and was on a nebulizer four times a day. Try that with a one year old and a two and a half year old. Having said that, one nap time, built in playmate, confidants, partners in crime. It’s a mixed blessing. In many ways, two years would have been better for number two…she would have spread her wings more, had her own friend group. Now, they’re in college together. Bickering…but inseparable.
There are pros and cons with everything…spacing is no exception.
Lynn MacDonald (All Fooked Up) recently posted..In which i married a penguin
My second daughter spent two years on a nebulizer and in and out of the hospital for pneumonia every winter. When she hit about 5 years old, the asthma just never came back.
Sheryl recently posted..The 365 Challenge Day 1
Having only the one, it didn’t matter really.
Ummm…there’s four jillion seconds between Child A and the most recent Season of “Bones!”
See? Doesn’t matter so much.
But I think grass is greener really takes over here. What you have is lovely, I think you did it just fine.
But then, REALLY I think that’s true for everyone.
And quit lookin’ at the babies there, missy, unless you’re jonesin’ for number three.
Comparison shopping my dimpled heiney.
Lori @ In Pursuit of Martha Points recently posted..Starting 2011
I think I am going to sign-up for the band-aid approach. Mostly so I can be done with the baby stage sooner than if I spaced them out 3+ years. That and my husband is of an age where he wants children sooner than later. Sounds self-centered maybe, but I think it might be what is best for my (our) sanity…kidding! Kind of. I really have no clue which would work best for me but I bet I can safely assume either way presents challenges I can’t even imagine as a parent of only one child!!!
InTheBabyhood recently posted..They grow up so fast!
One of the downsides of a bigger age gap is you feel like you have to “start over” a whole lot more than when they are closer together. Believe me, if I could fast forward the baby stage, I would. The baby stage is not good for my mental well-being.
liz recently posted..Boys and Bowling Balls
Great post, Liz! I’ve taken the rip the band-aid off at once, add another one on and then slowly tear at it until you’ve got a 15, 13, 7 and 1 year old. Sounds crazy, but it’s my crazy and I love it!
Kristi, Live and Love…Out Loud
@TweetingMama
Kristi {at} Live and Love…Out Loud recently posted..My Cake Balls Look Like Crap
My best friend has a 17 month old son, and 5 month old twin boys. How’s that for ‘shit your pants’ scary?!
Jayne @ Mum’s the Word recently posted..Margin of Error or ‘Introducing Frankie’
Bring on the Zoloft, please! I, personally, would not be capable of staying sane with that many babies at once.
liz recently posted..Boys and Bowling Balls
I wish we could have “planned” the spacing of our children, but we weren’t fertile enough to do that. I’m just glad we were able to have 2 kids who ended up being 3 years apart!
Lynn from For Love or Funny recently posted..Ah- January
I’m ripping band aids as we speak
But then, I injure easily
Go check out her blog people and see all that she does, this girl has it all together – trust me!
My girls are 4 yrs and 4 months apart, secondary infertility was a beotch! The youngest is 8 going on 13 some days and would give her kingdom for a bra – because her sister has one! They still have their moments of utter sweetness (moments!) and for the longest time I wanted more. Then I spent time with my nieces and realised I was too old for more and would drink too much wine, like more wine!
Down the road, age fades, I am 11 yrs older than my brother, my friends vary btw ten yrs younger and 15 yrs older than me … it all blends.
Happy Monday all – the first crazy day of the New Year!
By Word of Mouth recently posted..My cup overflowed today
I delivered my 5th and final on 1-21-10. I delivered my first on 10-13-94. I have 3 in between all that. Definite pros and cons to spacing them out. Right now it is hard because I’m having to be such a different parent to each one. They are all in different stages. One minute I’m out practice driving with my 16yr old and then come home to baby proofing the house for my 11 month old. Wouldn’t change a thing though. It’s such a challenge but so very rewarding.
Anna campbell recently posted..New Years Resolution
Baby #1 will be 18 months when baby #2 gets here. Even though both pregnancies were planned, I was a wee bit panicked when the stick turned pink this summer. And to be honest there are still things that I can’t wrap my mind around with having two under two. But, I’ll figure it out. I hope.
Krista recently posted..2010 Reflection
Ultimately, however our kids are spaced, becomes our reality. And we all muddle through, taking it day by day. My brother and I are 16 months apart, and I know that my mom felt like she was going insane sometimes, but like with everything, “this too shall pass.”
Good luck!
liz recently posted..Boys and Bowling Balls
I had my first two girls 2 years ten months apart. As I started when I was 20, I found this spacing good. Almost 5 years ( and a second husband) later, I gave birth to baby girl #3. Because the older two were in school full time and with their dad every other weekend, #3 was almost like an only child and I knew right away I wanted another and quick. Unfortunately convincing my husband was next to impossible and at 30 finally just took matters into my own hands ( can I say that?) And baby girl #4 was born that year. While pregnant I told hubs I’d be up to having one more but it had to be immediately, he was content with four girls so I tied my tubes during a c- section delivery.
gina recently posted..my 2011 TO DO list
I’ve always heard that once kids are 5+ years apart, it’s like they are only children because they are always going to be at such different stages and cognitive levels, that they have very little in common. So I can totally see why it felt like that to you.
liz recently posted..Boys and Bowling Balls
I only had one child. Sometimes I wish she had another sibling, but I do not think I could manage raising another child just for a playmate. Blessings to you ladies with multiple children and a special hello to single children mothers.
Chaplain Donna recently posted..Enduring Tough Times When All Hope is Gone
I am all sorts of complicated…
Our first pregnancy involved the blessing of my OB, pain specialist and a neurosurgeon. It was carefully planned around my back problem.
We had planned to go one after the other since I need a second back surgery, but I was struck with postpartum depression.
It’s taken me two years to come out of.
My son is two and my back is worse…I face a second surgery sooner than later and the risk of postpartum depression again..I know lots to think about right?!
But my son is worth it. All of it. And hopefully sometime soon I can have the gonads to ha e another. I don’t think though there is a perfect age to have a child…I think it’s how you feel in your heart that counts…it shouldn’t be about pressure or perfect timing. What do you want?
Kimberly recently posted..2010 Reflections
My kids are 2 years, 3 mos apart. We almost had kids 15 months apart, but that pregnancy wasn’t successful. At the time, I was all “Holy Shit! but then – Well – let’s wreck my body all at once, get the baby stage over with and keep on keepin’ on.”
When the next pregnancy worked – and we had a newborn and a new-to-the-terrible-2′s I still thought “Holy Shit!” But now – as they play and wrestle and giggle…at 5 and 3…it’s truly awesome.
mommakiss recently posted..Crooked
I only have one, and probably won’t try for #2 for at least another year – she’ll be 3-4 years old. I can’t imagine two right now! Maybe she’ll be old enough to help me a little bit too. We’ll see.
BalancingMama (Julie) recently posted..Hopes & Dreams
My mother often looks at me with amazement and wonders how I do it. My 2 kids are two years, 10 days apart. My sister and I are six years apart. I hadn’t planned to have my boys so close together but am now glad I did. My oldest is five and I have to admit I look at the idea of bringing home a baby now with something akin to horror. I loved the baby stage but now that I am done… I am SO done. I’m desperate to get rid of diapers and am loving the added element of freedom a little age brings. Each age brings more fun and I’m glad they are close enough in age that they can enjoy it together.
When we were talking about #2, my husband said to me, “We don’t want Kate to get so old that we get our freedom back and then have to return to the chains of an infant.” So I totally get the strong to desire to NOT start back over.
liz recently posted..Boys and Bowling Balls
My kids are 23 months apart. I wanted them to be about 18 months apart, DH thought more like 3 years, and 23 months is what happened. It was crazy town at the beginning, but it’s getting better. The 6 month – 14/15 month stage is tough for me, so thankfully I didn’t have my second before that!
angela recently posted..The Dollhouse AKA Santa Listens
I love the band-aid analogy! My kids are just under 4 years apart. I wanted the older one completely potty trained before we brought another baby home. They can fight like you wouldn’t believe and my son, who’s younger, gets upset when he can’t do all the things his big sister does, but at the same time they can be the closest of friends.
The timing works out great for us. I have a friend who will soon have 5 kids who are 5 and under. To me that’s crazy but I can also see pros in that. Her oldest 2 have a great relationship.
Evonne recently posted..Drink Up!
Oh, Liz. I love seeing you here.
This post is perfect. The band aid approach has me smiling.
I’m so happy to see you here, and having even more people get to know you and your writing.
You are fabulous.
As for the baby spacing?
I’ll take ‘em where and when I can get ‘em. I only have 3, but I could’ve had more if they were sent my way.
I adore children…and I’m blessed with such ADD and scatterbrainity as it is…that’s what a few more in the mix?
I love the din and deafening roar of a full house.
But, that’s prolly just me….making up for something…
Love you, Liz. And people? Follow this gal home…she never disappoints.
xo
Alexandra recently posted..Peace- Love- Health- Happiness and Thank You!
You just described the beautiful thing about having multiples.
Love ripping that band aid off fast. :)
Jen recently posted..I Tried but I Couldn’t So I Did This Instead
That is why I think having twins was like winning the lotto — I was completely done with the diaper stage of parenting in 2.5 years! Done. Never to be repeated.
Sorry, now I’m just bragging!
So, when are you going to have #3?
Amy ~ Eat. Live. Laugh. Shop. recently posted..Recipe for a Happy New Year
Wow, I really like that. But lol my kids are 6 years apart, not really sure when number 3 is coming, but i am savoring every moment i can with my 2 yr old :)
Liz LOVED your post. My kids are the exact same age apart as yours. For us it worked and I wasn’t ready to deliver a baby any sooner BUT I have to admit at times it is hard. My 2 yr old tries to do everything my 4 yr old does and my 4 yr old tries to be a baby again, and complete for competition. I do the same thing as you wish stuff away…I feel like I blinked and my youngest is 2 already! Where does the time go?
I just have one he’s seven. But my husband has 4 from his first marriage. The youngest of them is 19.
But, I think my dad wins the pulling of the band-aid and dragging it out prize.
I’m 34,
I have 2 brothers who are 23 and 21,
and a brother who is 3 and a sister who is 10 months.
Brook @ To Be Dancing recently posted..Craft Hope
It took us FOREVER to have both of our boys. They are 3 1/2 years apart. I would’ve have taken them any way I could get them. I do like their age gap, though. They do play together well (2 1/2 & 6). I tell them we aren’t getting a dog until the youngest is out of diapers & finished with his pacifier (I know! I know!). I’m not ready for a dog yet, anyway.
Kelley recently posted..The Blue Jeans Pain Scale
Great analogy. My kids are 25 months apart and I think that spacing was somewhere between ripping the bandaid off quickly and doing a slow tear. It worked for me. I would NEVER want to have a kid out of diapers for a long time and then have another. I am happy to have compressed my sleep deprivation and absolute incompetence at dealing with babies into about 4 consecutive years.
gigi recently posted..A Stalker of the Lifestyle Kind
I always laugh (in my head, naturally. I’m not so mean that I laugh in their faces!) at the people who think that having kids spaced really closely means they’ll be friends or that having them further apart means that they won’t be close. I know plenty of situations where the closely spaced, same and different gendered siblings are bloody enemies and other situations where the widely spaced kids are best of friends. And vice versa! Also, personally, I didn’t WANT the baby stuff to be over fast! I wanted to enjoy each baby and space them out so that I could truly appreciate and acknowledge each baby’s stage. I can’t imagine having my 3 in 4 years. It astounds me. Also? The idea of having 3 closely spaced teenagers sounds way worse than 3 babies… WAY.
To each his own. My family is what it is. I can’t do a redo and I am so grateful that I have the spacing that we have. Traveling with 1 baby or a toddler was actually something I enjoyed. Maybe I’m a bit sadistic but I LIKED the strollers and car seats and paraphernalia. This whole “bagless, cartless, 3 walking kids” thing is still a bit strange to me…
tracey recently posted..The Loyalty of a Child
My son and the twins are exactly 2 years apart (6 days short of having the same birthday)…it is CRAZINESS. But I don’t know any different, so this is working for us.
Natalie recently posted..Helping A Friend Share Her Words
Since I am currently in intense negotiations with my hub over trying for baby number 2, I read all these comments. I’m hoping to have ours less than 3 years apart – which means we have to get moving!
Awesome analogy.
However, my experience with #2 and #3 was more like: I leaned against the couch where #1 or #1 had left a Dora sticker and it got stuck in my hair so I ripped it out. <–Didn't know the sticker was there in the first place, so just grabbed it and said, "What the heck is this?"
In retrospect, I'm glad they're all close. A friend just had baby #5 (gulp) and while I'm happy for her I think….yowza, a Tween and a newborn. Better her than me — but I'll farm out my oldest to her as a sitter!
Happy New Year!
alyson: common sense, dancing recently posted..Out to lunch
I go for ripping them all out at once. My first 2 are 19 months apart, my 2nd 2 are 20 months part and now my baby is 11 months old and I want one more. It’s crazy but I love it! Also, I think that once I have them all potty trained – I might not be crazy enough to do it again. I might get too used to that cushy life :)
Great post!
Brittany at Mommy Words recently posted..Blogging Evolution
Uh, me? Just one. No spacing needed. But I love to hear other mom’s perspective. Fills my curiosity quota. I have three sibling cousins that are each 7 years apart – now that is crazy spacing!
Ally recently posted..Fresh Start
My sister each took a different approach to this. One had children right away and close together. One waited several years to have children and spaced them far apart. Both worked well.
JDaniel4′s Mom recently posted..Muffin Tin Monday- New Years Eve Meal
My first two are exactly 25 months apart, boy and girl. When they were toddlers people used to always ask me if they were twins, which was just kind of weird to me. I kind of feel like there toddler years/preschool years are all mushed together and I forget exactly who did what, but I was able to give them both exactly what they needed at the time because they were both so close in age and continue to be able to satisfy both their needs with a lot of the same stuff. My third child is 4 1/2 years younger than my 2nd. So it was nice to only have one VERY NEEDY little one but, I also kind of feel like she got the shaft in her toddler years. She never got those cozy winter weekends where all we did was sit home and play because we were always on the go with the other two. There is no perfect answer and like everything else us moms do we can analyze it to death and drive ourselves crazy wondering if we made the “right” choice. It is what it is – too late to change it now. Besides your little girls are perfect the way they are, couldn’t imagine changing them!!
I distinctly remember the look on the nurse’s face, who lead my new mother’s group at the hospital, when on the first day of our group, with my 6-week old daughter in tow, I announced that my husband and I planned to start trying again when our daughter reached 6 months. Most of the group thought I was crazy. My own sister thought I was crazy. Then I began to explain my rationale. Yes, it would be hard for a few years, but when is being a parent ever easy? Once they reached 3-4, they’d be able to do things together, on their own. And once they’re even older, I’ll be able to shuffle BOTH kids to activities – no nap interruptions required!
And you know what, I managed to talk my sister and husband to our side of the pond. They’re now expecting their third child and decided not to wait quite as long as they did with the first two – a whole 2 years and 7 months, just like you. :)
Huzzah Liz is here! Everyone, drink the kool aid and add her blog to your must read list!
What a fabulous analogy, Liz, the band aid…now please extrapolate this to the Duggar clan, thoughts?
Yuliya recently posted..Diet Bite me!
Ha! Great analogy–and yes, both are painful in different ways. My kids are 6.5, 4, and almost 2. There all about 2.5 years apart. I don’t know any other way. BUT, my good friend has her boys about 13 months apart and here’s what seems nice about it . . . in about a year, she can have them on one T-ball team or one soccer team, or send them to ONE art class together or whatever. One drop off. One pick up. That seems pretty nice. Maybe worth the band-aid part in the beginning?
Nina recently posted..In Defense of Facebook Lurkers
There are definitely benefits for being put through your paces at the beginning!
liz recently posted..Boys and Bowling Balls
I hadn’t thought of it that way, but such a good way to look at it! I was of the same thinking as you. My BFF had her first and accidentally got preggers right away. She cried. A lot. Her oldest had colic and it turned out she wasn’t getting enough milk from nursing, so she was only sleeping for an hour at a time at 5 months old when she found out she was expecting. Then she found out it was twins, and she cried some more. When they were born, she couldn’t leave the house for months. But, the twins were much better babies in general, and after a few years it was nice to be done with the baby stage. So nice, they decided to have one more. :)
For me, a lot of it is also practicality. I am trying to squeeze out all the use I can of time-sensitive baby supplies, like the infant car seat that you are supposed to replace after 5 years. Of course, since I totaled my car and had to replace it, kinda doesn’t matter now….
NotJustAnotherJennifer recently posted..More Beautiful You
Just reading about your friend makes me cry for her! Lord bless that woman!
liz recently posted..Boys and Bowling Balls
I always thought I would have children close together and then I actually had one. There’s no way I couldn’t have an infant in addition to my high maintenance mama’s boy. I admire those that have them back to back bc I think the benefits of getting the hard stuff out of the way faster, outweigh the negative. But then again, I don’t really know.
Btw, I never rip off a Band Aid. I pull ever so gently…
Glamamom recently posted..TOP 10 GLAM MOMENTS OF 2010
Genius, Liz. I am with you. I always wanted my kids about 3 years apart because I thought it would help my mental sanity to have the older one old enough to do some stuff on his own before baby #2 came along. But now that they are older, I sometimes find myself wishing they were a year closer. Or more. It would be so nice if they could play more of the same games, enjoy the same TV shows, etc. etc. The Bandaid approach. Gotta love it.
Awesome post, Liz.
I have three. #1 & #2 are 19 mos. apart. #2 & #3 are 30 mos. apart. For me, personally, I found the 19 mos. apart to be a lot easier. I don’t know why, I just did. Wouldn’t change anything, for sure – but it’s just interesting to see the dynamic in the different spacing.
The band-aid approach. Excellent way to describe it.
Amy recently posted..Happy Flippin New Year!
Great topic. I wish I had time to read all the other comments.
We got pregnant with #3 when my twins were 15 months. And even though my twin mom friends said it would work out beautifully in the long run, this first year (she’s 10 months now) has been the hardest of my life. They were not quite old enough to do very much for themselves when she was a newborn, and are just now, at 2.75 yrs, getting to where they understand a lot more and I can reason more with them.
I wish I had a nickel for every person who looked at me like or even said I was crazy for having another one (when I was pregnant)…thanks for making me feel even better about the fact that it wasn’t planned. My anxiety was already through the roof!
Leigh Ann recently posted..2010- in really bad photos
I’m sure I owe you at least a nickel because that was my mantra for a loooong time!
liz recently posted..Boys and Bowling Balls
My kids are 2.5 years apart and I think that is good too. Actually, the way the birthdays fall, they are 3 grades apart, which is nice. I cannot imagine having the kids closer together as they get older. It will be hard enough to try to get 2 to college at the same time, and I don’t even want to think about what kind of system we will have for borrowing mom’s car. Also, the competitiveness between close aged siblings is more. I cannot imagine my kids being any closer in age.
Michelle Saunderson recently posted..The Kids are Home
Ok- my boys are pretty spaced: 4 years and 3 months b/t #1 and #2, 3years and 5 months b/t #2 and #3 and then only 2 years b/t #3 and #4. So I’ve experienced with all spacings. I think it depends upon the family. I don’t think one way is better than the other. I just know that I like my baby to be the “baby” for awhile…and struggle w/mommy guilt every time I bring a new litle guy home. Because, inevitably, the “baby” is no longer my “baby” and has to become the “big boy”. And it always makes me a little sad.
This is tough… my first two are 27 months apart and that was WONDERFUL. But now that they’re nearly 5 and close to 3, they’re starting to have less in common. They don’t fight often, but you’re right about wanting to kind of rush things with the second… “I can’t wait til she doesn’t need a nap and both girls can go out in the afternoon…” etc.
But then, my third came a mere 15 months after the second. That was chaos for awhile. My third is 17 months and we’ve emerged from the frantic newborn fog that was enhanced by having a very, very young toddler. The two of them have TONS in common, but they fight all. of. the. time.
Our fourth and last is due 20 months after the 30. I think that might be magic.
I also think that the sex of the child has a bit to do with the spacing. The first two are further apart, but they’re both girls so they share interests. Not all, but they overlap. The last two will both be boys, so I suspect the same. And the middle two are linked by extremely close age.
Do I feel crazy? Yes. Do I have an answer to your question? No. But hey, I had input :)
Monsterchew recently posted..Surrender
I think you make a good point about the gender. And not that we can control that, but I do think that kids who are spaced further apart will have more in common if they are the same gender.
liz recently posted..Boys and Bowling Balls
I have thought the exact things! L & M are 2 yr 4 mo apart – perfect. M & B are 3 yr 3 mo apart – too far. But at the time we were moving, new jobs etc. It would NOT have worked. Can I tell you my MIL had 4 boys in 4 yrs!?! But like you said, after a few years those boys kept each other busy (fighting) & they could go places w/o diapers, sippy cups, etc.
It is nice now that B is 4 yrs old. I love how this are right now. Pause, please!
I really didn’t think I wanted almost 5 years between my kids, but life kind of got in the way after the first was born and when we started talking about #2. However, I have found I do love having this gap. There has been zero jealousy issues in bringing home a new baby. Even now, 7 months later, we just have 2 happy, loving sisters (of course, see me in 2-3 years when the little one is following the older one all around, we’ll see if I’m saying the same thing).
I do have times I wish the gap was closer so we could do different things, but for the most part, the only thing given up is family trips to the movies. Which, at today’s prices, isn’t necessarily a bad thing.
Wendy recently posted..Officially Seven Months Old
my husband and i had 3 kids in 3 years, spaced 15 months, then 20 months apart. some days i feel like it was a nasty mistake to space them so close, but i honestly cannot imagine regrouping and restarting the baby stage over every 2/3 years like most people do. yikes. if i had to do it over i’d be fine with the first 2 really close – that wasn’t a bad idea at all – , but then would’ve waited a looooong time for the 3rd – actually, if our #3 hadn’t been a surprise, we prob would’ve adopted an older child (age 2/3ish) when our were 4 and 5. i’ll admit, the 3rd really sends you over the top.
Liz, I love this! And the questions, oh the questions….funny thing was, after #2 kid we weren’t asked if we’d have a third! Guess we were too old?
Mine are 4 years 3 mo apart, and there have been times when their differences were huge. But they’ve got a great bond, and now that my daughter’s in 7th grade and my son’s a senior they are almost in the same zone. Almost.
But going back to diapers after more than a year off? Was hard….very hard.
Sherri recently posted..Guest Post – In These Small Moments
I definitely did the “rip my armhair out” approach–my kids are fifteen months apart. I.DID.NOT.PLAN.THIS. But since God did, wasn’t much I could say. The first two years were hell. But now they are best friends and so close in love of activities and similar appreciation of the world, that I have become an advocate for Irish twins.
dusty earth mother recently posted..Mamas got a brand new bag
You are put through your paces at the beginning, for sure. But at least you get through all that baby stuff quickly and then don’t have to go back.
liz recently posted..Boys and Bowling Balls
Best. Analogy. Ever. Seriously, Liz. I’ll be using this one forever!
I went for the slow and painful approach. I don’t find it all that painful though. I love that Big Roo can help grab a burp cloth, let the dog out into the back yard while I’m nursing, etc. It’s also nice that he’s out of diapers. I wonder how it will change as they get older but for now I like it!
Melissa (adventuroo) recently posted..Get SMART with Your 2011 Blog Goals
I have yet to meet a mom who says (admits) she’d done it differently :-)
My littles are 3 years and 4 months apart, just like my sister and I. To the day, in fact. I’ve never known any other way and neither have them.
The earliest hurdle for me was the diapers. My son was fully potty trained by the time my daughter was born. So it was like, “Ugh! this again…” But hey, I’d rather have one in diapers than two. Then again, that’s just me.
I agree. And really, however things play out, it becomes your new reality, and you just have to figure it out.
liz recently posted..Boys and Bowling Balls
Great post, Liz!
My four kids are 2.5, 3, and 2.5 years apart. Because of my fertility issues, we couldn’t plan the timing, so it’s pretty funny that they ended up with similar spacing.
And once you get to baby #4, NO ONE asks when the next one will arrive!
Mrs.Mayhem recently posted..The Inn at Perry Cabin
Liz, you have such a way with words! I had a 4 day shy of 2nd birthday and a newborn and it just about killed me. It still does (two birthday celebrations within a week is reason for medication!). If anyone had told me the oven was going to be turned on the first go round I would have waited. I had a hard time stopping and appreciating the second one during those first 2 years. That she never got her own baby scrapbook and never will is testimony enough. That alone will probably cost her thousands in therapy when she’s an adult!
Anne recently posted..Oatmeal chocolate chip cookies Post stress-cation baking
I’m a slow plucker. My kids are 3 years 7 months apart. :) I NEEDED that time to let my oldest be in the limelight for awhile. To be independent before his sister came.
Oh, also, I didn’t plan either pregnancy, so there’s that whole dynamic, too….
Surferwife recently posted..A review of every Happy Hour and a Celebrity Encounter
We will be plucking the hairs. We have decided to go for number 2… a year from now is when we will begin trying. Depending on when we conceive, the kids will be 3-1/2 to 4 years apart in age, and I really do prefer it that way thankyouverymuch. =)
I’m there with you. I don’t want Scooby growing up too fast, but at the same time, having a 10 yr old, it also makes things difficult to do stuff by myself with the kids. Scooby’s too little to ride this, or she’s too big to play here…
Great post, Liz!
The Drama Mama recently posted..La Vida Loca
Ehh, I don’t put a lot of stock into age spacing anymore. I think someone above said it pretty well – whatever the spacing is, you deal with the pros and cons of it; there’s no better or worse. When Jeremy and I set out to try for #2, we were hoping for a 2 year difference. Well, that hasn’t happened yet and it looks like it will be more along the lines of 3 or 4 years between Georgia and the next one. There’s pros and cons of any age spacing.
Laura recently posted..Memories- Dreams and Reflections
My 2 girls are 2 years and 7 months apart, and while I did not plan it that way, I actually really love it now that they are 4 and almost 20 months. They play so well together most of the time now and I can tell that they are going to be close as they grow up. Just the other day I complimented my oldest on how well they were playing together and she said “yeah, we always play well together, I think we’re best friends”! Brought a tear to my eye! I had originally wanted to wait until my oldest was 3 to try to get pregnant with #2, which would have made them about 4 years apart, but I am so happy that it worked out the ay it did. It was definitely hard in the beginning and I had a lot of guilt about taking time and attention away from my oldest, but it has all worked out for the best in the end!
I’m all about having them quickly. From oldest to youngest, there is less than 3.5 years between them-with one smooshed in the middle. We are just now getting to the point where my youngest can do most things and we’re excited to leave the baby stages behind.
This is great, Liz, as usual.
I obviously prefer to tediously pluck out the hairs one by one. But I think the band-aid technique is often determined by the personality of the child. With an “easy” baby (good eater, great sleeper), the prospect of another baby isn’t as overwhelming.
On the other hand, when you’re dealing with an extremely high-energy kid (enter Chalupa, stage left) who doesn’t need a lot of sleep and is a very picky eater, waiting seems like a very sane approach.
I love your ending analogy, Liz. Even if it does make me want to go shave my arms. Ouch!
We were pluckers. Or, rather, I was a plucker. My husband wanted to rip away. But I was insistent on letting all of the hair grown back first. Because that doesn’t hurt at all… right?
Booyah’s Momma recently posted..Ringing in the new year
For my bandaids I like to rip them off at a steady pace not too fast and not too slow.
I have one child and hope to have a second when he is over 2 years old.
Debbie recently posted..Zeke and tissue paper
That seems to be where most people I know have ended up. At least 2 years, but less than 3 years.
liz recently posted..Boys and Bowling Balls
Great analogy Liz! My kids are also exactly 2 years and 7months apart…guess I’m more the pain spread out over a few years sort of person too!
Melissa (Confessions of a Dr.Mom) recently posted..From Cable Cars in San Francisco to a Sad Santa Misadventure
I had my daughter (16yrs ago) and couldn’t have any more, so I would not have understood this post if it wasn’t for my step daughters who are 2 years and 2 mos apart (6yrs & 4yrs).
Part of me has spinning head syndrome around them. They need sooo much attention and how do you divide it equally??? Ahhhh!!!
But then, there are the days they play, hug, and love each other and it gets all gooey inside. My daughter doesn’t have a close sibling like that and it feels a little lonely (I had brothers 18mos and 3yrs older than me).
So, as hard as it is, I have to agree. Well said…..*you totally have to rip the band-aid off!
Angelia Sims Hardy recently posted..Another day- Another post
I wish I could have planned the kids – If I could have, I would have had them close together. Now, I have my oldest close t 3 years older than the next. Then two years between the next. The youngest two are really close but the oldest is on his own. Even if he were a girl like his sisters, he would still be on his/her own with the age difference. But I’ not complaining – they sure keep me busy and young!
Kristen recently posted..Why I Can’t Think of a Single Thing to Say
Haha! I think you might laugh at me Liz. I planned two babies 19mo apart and I was so happy when I got pregnant on the exact day I planned it both times! And then… a mere 3 months after my second baby. I found out I was pregnant again unexpectedly!!! Oh my gosh! I panicked SOOO bad. But what can you do? Besides love and adore that baby #3? Especially after you hear her heart beat? So baby #2 and #3 were only 10 months apart, closer than baby #1 and 2- I had 3 under 3. Woo hoo! And YES its been overwhelming and excruciating all at once and YES its been wonderful, sweep-me-off my feet amazing because those three get along so well and I LOVE em to death!
-CK
CK recently posted..Tradition
Well, I am president of the one and done club so there will be NO spacing out of children. :) My son is it. I LOVE your analogy though.
Jessica recently posted..Freedom
Aaaah, the One and Done Club! I was a proud, card-carrying member until my oldest was about 22 months old… :)
liz recently posted..Boys and Bowling Balls
It’s one of those answer-less questions, isn’t it? Pros and cons, but no matter how you slice it, things tend to work out.
For me, it’s a long-ish story that I won’t bore you with here; the short version is that I wanted mine closer together, but ended up with them 38 months apart. And really? It’s been great. I don’t know any different!
Terrific post, Liz!
Missy @ Wonder, Friend recently posted..Pavlov and His Dogs
HAH! I love the analogy. We went with puling them all out at once. My kids are only 17 months apart. We were freaking insane. In retrospect, I’m really not sure what would be easier, so I don’t really have any regrets. Raising kids is hard no matter how you slice it.
I remember reading somewhere (but who can remember after kids? or get to the bathroom on time? Not me.) that having kids close together was harder on the parents but better for the kids….we are 24 – monthers around here and loving it.
So. When are you having your third? ;-)
Julie G recently posted..Today call me resolved
Oh, no, no…the shop is closed for business!
liz recently posted..Boys and Bowling Balls
Ha ha! My three youngest kids are 13, 11 1/2 and almost-10. 13 and 11 are 21 months apart, and 11 and almost-10 are 19 months apart. Three in diapers at once (13 was rather slow to get the idea). What a happy, joyous, delirious day when almost-10 graduated from diapers! And they are (I think) really good friends, even though it seems like they fight constantly. I wouldn’t have it any different.
MommyMagpie recently posted..Meaty Books
I myself am a plucker; our boys are 5.5 years apart. It has good points and not so good.
My bf is ripping the bandaid off; she just had her second boy on November 29th and his “big” brother turned one on December 21. She’s kinda overwhelmed right now and finding life crazy but loves it. And I love her for having the balls to pull off the bandaid. If you know what I mean. ;-)
Jen recently posted..long- red hair
Love the Analogy, Me and my sisters are 14months and 6 years apart, growing up my younger sister(14 months younger) and me were quite close. Yet grown up now i find myself alot closer to my older sister who is 6 years older then me. its interesting how things can change after so many years
Awesome analogy. I only have one daughter at the moment and now that she is six, and I’m remarried…the topic of another baby comes up, a lot. The biggest draw back for me, is that they would be so far apart. True, principessa can do a lot on her own, but I’m afraid they would never be close. Decisions decisions
First two are 21 months apart. Maybe some people actually like to play with their kids, but me, I prefer them to entertain each other. ;)
#3 came 3 1/2 years later. Surprise!
I’m a big fan of their playing together, too. Isn’t that the reason for the second child?!? :)
liz recently posted..Boys and Bowling Balls
Me too!
This is a very appropriate analogy! I am a complete moron for having 3 back to back, 8, 6 & 4. It is like a constant party at my house with a little UFC thrown in. The light at the end of the tunnel is that it will get better in…counting on fingers…14 years, but then you can’t prevent grandchildren really so I am kind of screwed. Oh…& husband bailed. It was just way too much for him.
I would say if husband is committed to family life and seems to be extremely helpful with the first…then go for it, but if not…keep your legs shut. – Advice to former self. Love this blog!!!
At least you can give the grandkids BACK to their parents!
liz recently posted..Boys and Bowling Balls
I agree with Rachel (above) – having kids is hard any way you slice it!
Kelly recently posted..Cream Feathers with Scalloped Edge in Carved Bone – Free Standard Shipping inside the United States
When I was in the planning stage (before REAL LIFE took over), I wanted two kids 3-5 years apart. This was largely based on the fact that my sister is 3.5 years older than me and my brother is 5 years younger. It worked well in our household – we were spaced enough that we weren’t always up in each other’s shit and, at a certain age, there was a built in baby-sitter. But, like I said, that was before real life took over. My two boys are 9 years apart. That’s right. NINE. My oldest is 9.5 years and my youngest is 4 months. And they have different daddies, so we’re dealing with a blended family situation here. On top of that, my boyfriend (my youngest’s daddy) has two girls from a previous marriage, ages 4 and 3. They are 16 months apart (which wasn’t planned that way, and the stress of it is part of what put the final nail in their already faltering marriage). So when we’re all together it’s 4 months, 3 years, 4 years, and 9.5 years. I thought it would be lonely for my oldest son, but he LOVES being a big brother.
Martini Mom recently posted..Maybe
I love the band-aid analogy. I have a 25 month old son and I’m due with my second (another little boy) in June. So they’ll be about 2 1/2 years apart. I’m hoping that they’ll play together at least somewhat. My son is quite the people person, so I’m hoping that makes him happy about the baby rather than jealous and vengeful.
I was the oldest, and my little sister is almost exactly 3 years younger than me, and I wished she’d go back where she came from. We got along better later, but it was hard at first. I imagine it would be that way for any first born. :)
Melissa E. recently posted..My Resolutions for 2011 Plus- Another Dancing Video- Just Because!
I had 3 kids in 3 years and 3 months. Yep, the oldest was just over 3 when I popped out the 3rd kid, and there was one in between.
Did I plan it that way? Yup, I actually did. Did people think I was crazy? Abso-fucking-lutely. Did I think I was insane? More than you know. There were days I wanted to run away and never look back.
But as you say, they grow out of the baby stage. My baby is now about to turn 7. They are independent and we are able to do so much together as a family. I have built in playmates and they enjoy many of the same things. It is a beautiful thing.
However, I’ve found another down side. All my babies grew up at once. They are all going to leave me all at once. Sniff.
B recently posted..R&R was just what I ordered
Oh, the leave at once realization is hard! Mine are 2 and 3.5 and I am already experiencing empty nest. My Dr. gave me the hairy eye at my post partum appt and said “DO NOT get pregnant before a year from now. Your body needs time to recover”. I said “Okay!”
What a perfect analogy, apparently I prefer the just rip that band aid right off. I had three within 20 months, my youngest is 19 months and I’m already getting the itch again. It is insanity but I’m thinking I thrive in insanity. Who wants calm, or a shower or even time to brush your teeth?
Great post, am really enjoying getting to know your writing.
Jessica recently posted..Dear Daddy- Public Restroom- the Sequel
I may have mentioned that my oldest and youngest could be named after specific cocktails, so there was no planning involved. My first 2 are 6 years apart and it worked. At times it felt like a band-aid with having 2 in diapers with my second two being 2 1/2 years apart. But those ladies brave enough to have 2 in 2 years….that’s like a leg behind your head Brazillian wax!! Great post Liz!!
Poppy recently posted..The Graces of Social Media
Well, I guess I’m an exception in here….. Our two daughters are 12 years apart and I love love love it. We didn’t intent to do it like this (two miscariages) but it just happened that way. I got to enjoy time with the oldest (15)and she’s now a great adolescent who can find her own ways (almost!). The youngest was born in sept. 2007 and to me a gift. Children must always be born when the two parents agree on that it’s time to welcome another child and for us it took a while ….. LOL! I really love it and I do’n't have to push the youngest into anything because she copies a lot from her big sister who adores her. Things we have to do turning 40 to stay young and alert ….. whahwhawha. To all mums out there: stay sane this year!
While having twins is hard for the first couple of years, I am so glad that I only had to go through that newborn stage ONCE! It’s going to be awesome to be able to do things without having to wait until one is “old enough.” I never envisioned my life with twins, but there are a lot of perks!
Rebecca @ Unexplained X2 recently posted..Resignation
wish me luck, i’m about to rip off the band aid – any day now. my first is 19 months…
tara recently posted..weekly winners – happy 2011!
As I watch my sister struggle with 3 boys all born within 3.5 years of each other, I can’t help but wonder if the bandaid approach is working for her. She is young and wants a large family but I remember my family being the same way and how my 2 middle siblings feel like they missed out.
That said, I didn’t CHOOSe to take it slow, building my family but so grateful that that is how it’s working out.
Ask me again after this one is born.
My girls are 12 months and 4 days apart. It was very hard at first. Sam was just learning to walk when Tori was born so just going to the grocery store alone was a challenge. But I would never of changed it, they played so well together and kept each other busy. Except when it was quite and I knew they were in trouble together. I waited for 5 years to have my son and I wish I would have had him sooner. My kids are now 18, 17 and 12 wow how time fly’s.
Sheryl recently posted..The 365 Challenge Day 1
My kids are 22 months apart in age. I knew I wanted to have them close so they could share experiences and hopefully relate to each other better and I thought it would be a bounus to get the diapers out of the way at once. After all whats 16 diapers a day when one kid has you doing 8 a day, really? But holy cats! Being 9 months pregnant with a toddler and then an infant with a terrible 2 year old! What an exhausting time. Now the youngest turns 2 at the end of the month and my 3 year old who’s communicating so nicely these days will be 4 then end of April and I see light on the horizon. And I am secure in my belief we made the right timing decision for our family. And yes, so far the boys are close and each other’s best friend.
You don’t always have as much say as you would like. I wanted to have all mine spaced 2 years apart. I thought that would be about perfect. I also wanted to have a ton of kids (8 or more)….Well, I think God knew better than to give me those wishes. I couldn’t have handled it. After 4 c sections and lots of miscarriages in between, I am grateful to have all that I have, no matter when they came!