Rachel Achmad
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- The Children Always Win - January 24, 2013
This morning I realized, with sickening certainty, that my children’s ultimate goal is to break me down and destroy me. I used to think they really loved me, but they don’t. They want to systematically take away everything that is me. It was while sitting in the exam chair at the eye doctor’s this morning that I had this..um..eyeopener (symptom of steady brain leeching: inability to come up with clever phrasing).
“Do you spend a lot of time outside without eye protection, Rachel?” the kind doctor asked me gently. I thought for a moment, my mind running backwards over the last eight years….hot summer days, squinting over the searing reflection of the sun at Six Flags, as I charged in and out of murky ankle-deep water chasing children. Of running up and down sunfilled dusty rows at our community farm, my sunglasses winking ahead of me, held aloft by a dancing, tiny hand. Of shuffling through sun-baked Disney World, watching my children model their new Pirates of the Caribbean sunglasses, wondering if my sunglasses were a. in the bottom of the stroller, or b. sticky with fruit snack residue, or c. in someone’s bedding back at the hotel. Of sensible brimmed hats snatched from my head, and plonked onto heads far too small. Tiny, cute heads which turned bright red and screamed with outrage if the giant hat was removed.
“Yeah..you could say that.”
The doctor explained that all those years of no sunglasses and no hat had caused damage to my eyes. Damage which, now that I thought about it, would probably explain why for the past six months my eyes felt painful when driving on bright days. Damage that would have been diagnosed six months ago had I not had to reschedule my eye doctor’s exam countless times due to child illness, children’s activities and the always conveniently scheduled teacher’s professional development day.
I rested my hand on my thigh, where a painful throb reminded me of the dollhouse someone had planted for me to smash into last night as I walked to bed. I reached into my bag for a Kleenex, noting a food stain on the bag’s side, and I wiped my nose which had been running for almost a month, when someone’s playdate turned out to have the flu. My strong, hale and hearty children who take vitamins and eat well-balanced diets didn’t succumb to it…but I, with my diet of coffee and leftover bites of granola bar didn’t fare as well.
I wondered if I should buy new contacts now, or see how long I could keep wearing the current pair I had in, since our trip to the American Girl doll store yesterday cost oh, about $200 more than I expected (which, coincidentally, is the same amount my contact refill would cost.)
I thought about how my winter coat wasn’t nearly as warm as it used to be, and how much I’d like a new one. I thought about how I traded in my fun, sporty car for a minivan, for the express purpose of accommodating playdates (and in doing so, supporting the fuel industry). I realized, as I sat there, that something had to change. I cannot let them win! I WILL fight back; they’ve taken away my car, my wardrobe, my health, my food preferences, my television… I will not let them take my eyesight!
Once home, I checked out Amazon for nice, grownup sunglasses with adequate protection. At the very least, I could prevent further damage to my eyes. Two family members had given me Amazon gift cards for Christmas, which I had tucked away to buy kids’ gifts as needed throughout the year, but instead, I would use them on sunglasses. Something I need.
Except…I just can’t do it. Even though I didn’t pay for the gift cards, I cannot spend $100 on sunglasses when I know that is a week of groceries…two sets of soccer gear…money towards gymnastics lessons. I bet I could find some sunglasses at Target that are just as good, for far less, and while there I could pick up sneakers for the girls. And goldfish crackers are on sale….and BandAids. And maybe I don’t really need those sunglasses after all. If only I can find a hat….
And this is how they will win. Every struggle, every day, until I am blind and huddled under a blanket on a street corner somewhere.
{ 31 comments… read them below or add one }
Yes…so hilarious and true.
All I can say is amen. I love this post. :)
I am in the same boat. While I’d love to spend money on myself, I swear every time I go to, I can talk myself out of it for my kids. It seems like they always need x, y, or z when I need something for myself. So it’s “If i spend this on those shoes/clothes/whatever, what I need can wait, or I’ll get cheapo version of whatever.” & thus they win.
Yes. Yes. Yes. My coat doesn’t have a zipper anymore and has the paint color of our wood trim, down the arm. I live in Minnesota. It was -2 degrees last night when I ran to my car, clutching my coat shut. My mittens were wet, because my kid’s water bottle spilled on them. And today, my daughter needs a new bed. So, looks like I’ll be clutching my coat shut, with paint on the arm, until the ground thaws.
Mom Off Meth recently posted..I throw a tantrum
Feel your pain. I’m in Minnesota too and last night it reached -17 here. Thank God for my attached garage!
Love this! I tell people not to give me gift cards or money for bdays or xmas as I NEVER spend it on myself…ever!
I don’t personally know the feeling, but I’ve seen my mom do the same thing. It didn’t really hit me until I was older, but my mom went without a lot. My younger siblings (14 & 16) still live at home and are always demanding new shoes, clothes, and food. I try to help her out. I buy things for my siblings, I buy things for her that I know she wants but doesn’t really need. It’s always nice to get that little something that you would never buy yourself. I hope this is some conciliation. Hoping that since you’ve taken care of them their whole life, they will turn around and repay the favor.
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I think that as mothers we’ve all had those thoughts and it’s just sad. Buy yourself the damn sunglasses! You deserve and need them.
Becca B recently posted..Writer’s Workshop: What the F@^& is Wrong with My Kids?
Much of this was funny but I hope the whole thing was a joke. As the mama, we sacrifice for our children everyday…but not your eyes. Not something that could change your life forever, and that of your family. I hope in the end you got exactly what you needed to protect your eyes, which are more important than an American Girl anything. Xoxo
Love this, it’s so true!! My kids have a wardobe at least twice the size of mine (each, and i have 3!!) which in the end is just more for me to pick up, wash, and put away!! Mt family has wised up though, if i’m given a gift card for something for myself my sister gets sent with me to ensure it is spent the way it was meant to be! lol
Oh, Rachel. Rachel.
I feel you.
I’m glad I am not the only one who was a little sad about this post. I loved and totally related until I got to the part where you decide not to spend the money on yourself for something extremely important. No longer can you use your children as an excuse, you’ve now made the decision to essentially suffer. I hate to say that’s martyring yourself because that sounds kind of mean. But when you reach the point of neglecting yourself, the kids are not the problem anymore. We all struggle with this to some extent so I feel for you and hope that you make yourself a priority before it’s too late. xo
What should a mom’s #1 priority be? Her kids, right? Nope. Herself. Because if she doesn’t take care of HERSELF, if she neglects herself and lets her health and mental well-being suffer, how is she supposed to take care of the kids? Long-term?
Kids don’t need mountains of toys. They need a happy, healthy, balanced mum.
(Not advocating everyone go out and buy a Coach purse and weekly manicures. But good sunglasses? A warm coat? A BREAK now and then? Necessity.)
My motto has become, “I do NOT negotiate with terrorists.”
I totally hear you though, sister. Do not let them win. May the force be with you.
Kiran
Kiran recently posted..Over at Scary Mommy…
They’re like miniature Borg, determined to take over. I say we fight back in the form of no TV, LEGO removal, and…no, wait, those things would punish us too. Shit. We’re doomed.
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I destroy sunglasses. But I am sensitive to the sun and I’m always wearing them. But since I throw them in my purse without a case and scratch them up or sit on them in the car or lose them, I refuse to pay more than $14.99 a pair. Preferably less. Target, Walmart, Kohls. I would never pay $100 for a pair. That would be like throwing money out the window.
My problem is that I have a big head. So out of 100 pairs, only one will fit my head and not squeeze behind my ears.
I used to never be able to leave Target without a new piece of clothing for me. Now I never leave Target without new clothing for the kids.
Kim recently posted..Why Yo Gabba Gabba Live is better than The Book of Mormon
Loved this, I feel sad and happy at the same time.. I don’t like leaving the house in daylight because the sun is too hard on my eyes, because i couldn’t afford my usual transition lenses last prescription change.. because my Youngest daughter who is 16 needed 3 genres of dance lessons this year instead of one, the only time I leave the house in daylight is to drive her .. .in my mini van .. to where ever she and sometimes 2 of her friends need to go .. because their parents work “normal hours” (during the day) and don’t have time to take turns driving (i work nights).
Or maybe it was because my middle daughter needed new tires on her car to survive the horrific winter roads here.. Although it may have been because my oldest daughter needed to move herself and her daughter to a more suitable town and didn’t quite have enough money for the U-Haul..
Oh well , I am just happy they are happy and safe and that is all that matters..
And please don’t cry, or curse at me when you realize I am talking about 2 of 3 children being actual adults and there is no end in sight..(insert bubble bursting noise here)
Okay, I am definitely NOT one of those moms I see post on stories here who are snarky and have the sense of humor of a dead fish. That being said, this one really bothered me. My fellow moms: you cannot lose your sense of self with your children. Yes, I totally get the self-sacrificing maternal instinct to make sure your children have everything they could possibly need before buying yourself something. I used to get anxiety if I went to the store to get my kids something and got a cute top for me too. Bottom line: you have to take tare of yourself, be that role model your kids will look up to…otherwise you’ll more than likely end up living vicariously through your kids and turn into a crazy ass tiaras and toddlers mom or the psycho at soccer practice who goes ballistic if her kid gets benched. Buy the sunglasses. And a hat. And do NOT let your kids take them, especially if you need them to preserve your eyesight. *stepping off the soapbox* (sorry about any spelling errors…I’m using my phone)
OMG, I needed this today. I have been feeling overwhelmed lately, not just with what i give my kids (whome I love dearly), but the husband (who I could not live without), the job, the parents, the in-laws…
I feel like here is just never time/money for me. I don’t see it changing soon, but at least I can know I am not alone and laugh about it once in a while :)
This is funny. The reason that I say funny is because as a mother you have to keep that sense of humor going. If not you are going to lose!!!
When it comes to the eye doctor and telling me I need sunglass at all times out side, I would ask him just how many 80 year old does he know that have gone blind because of not wearing sun glasses?
Yes, as a mother or parent there are many changes in our life after those little ones arrive, but wouldn’t life be boring with out them.
Thanks for the smiles,
Debbie
Buy the sunglasses! On an airplane, you are supposed to put the oxygen mask on yourself first, then on your children. You’re no good to them if you can’t see. Your health is just as important as theirs. These are sunglasses to protect your vision, not a fancy diamond necklace or sports car for Pete’s sake. BUY THE SUNGLASSES! (I know exactly what you mean though. I buy and serve all the fancy organic fruits and veggies for my kids but then I don’t eat them. Arg…)
Thank you! We’re all conflicted about meeting our own needs and our trying to give our children the world because time and money are finite…so something has to fall short somewhere, but we do the best we can. My twins are just over 2 years old & in that time my husband has been promoted & we bought our second house. And I felt like I wasn’t even *on* the list of things to do/take care of. So my husband was put on notice that 2013 is all about me. No longer will I neglect my health, job, friends, wardrobe, or self-esteem to make sure everyone else is happy while I suffer in silence.
I feel your pain. Why do we do this? Sacrifice for our children is one thing but at some point I think we’re supposed to look after our needs too.
My Half Assed Life recently posted..Thank you’s, Sneezing Fits and Trying to Explain Blogging to Non Bloggers.
At first I really identified with this blog post, as I joke often with my bestie about being knocked around by my kids (I had 6 pairs of designer sunglasses get destroyed last summer alone, and my nose was broken once in the middle of the night trying to calm down/hold my son during one of his epic tantrums). As I read on, it dawned on me that you cannot blame your kids for you not takimg a stand. Broken sunglasses are one thing, but not taking care of yourself and funneling all of your time, money and energies into your kids isn’t good for anyone. Not your kids, not your marriage, and definitely not yourself. You are essentially training your kids to not respect you,
because by not making yourself important it doesn’t sound like you have much respect for yourself.
my best to not sound ‘holier than thou’)
Rachel, you’re my friend, and I love you, but for Crissakes, buy the sunglasses! A & A will be taking care of you when you’re old, and your eyesight is nothing to mess with. Really. Really. Pick up an extra shift at work if you need to, put it on a credit card and pay it off, but take care of yourself too. It’s part of taking care of your daughters.
At least girls are more subtle in their attempts to wear you down. Boys don’t bother with subtlety. They think mom is just another boy and therefore a suitable tackling target. Never mind that mommy has never once tackled them back. And if boys aren’t intent on physically injuring mom, they’re trying to make her have a heart attack, by running out in the street or trying to dangle their brother from the top of the staircase.
At least boys don’t come with the drama though! ;)
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I agree with Martha. Never forget what they tell us on the plane. Put your own oxygen mask on first, and then tend to the kids.
I love your self-deprecating humor, but you need to put yourself first sometimes in order to be good parent. Blindness is more than a metaphor!
xo-Molly
Molly Monet recently posted..I Get by with a Little Help from My Friends
This is a timely one for me! My son recently put the squash (literally) on my glasses, but we don’t have the money for replacements. Nothing like driving blind to get your son his soccer cleats! Ahhh, parenting. lol! Thanks for the humorous yet touching and completely relatable post.! Apparently relatable is not a word, but I’m using it anyway. Screw you, spellcheck!
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So funny!!! My eyes are destroyed and yellowed from the sun too…..sigh.
I’ll be damned if I let them win! They’ve ruined my body, ruined my new house, my new sofa/loveseat set, dining room table. They have almost ruined my close relationship with my wonderful husband. They’ve taken away my career, my hobbies, any friends I ever had. They steal the gum and change out of my purse. They steal my socks, scissors, scotch tape and drink all of my pink lemonade kool-aid. I’ll be damned if they get my chocolate and coffee. I’ll share because I do love the little buggers, but I do not feel the least bit guilty for the stash I hide in my closet. I don’t feel guilty for the new pair of shoes or jeans, or purse that I buy for myself as rewards for putting up with them. I don’t feel the slightest bit guilty for the overnight get-away we have planned for our up-coming anniversary. It’s not an exact trade off but I it gets me by until they graduate high school and move out. Until then I will love them regardless, but I can’t say I won’t resent them a little bit.
Go to Target and buy three pairs ( at least). Keep one in your purse, one in the car and one at your house. Do not even try to not buy sunglasses, it’s important. Use the gift card to get something you’ve been wanting for a while. You’ll be amazed at what buying or doing something for yourself will feel like. It is like a cup of coffee alone, and chocolate without guilt!