Times are tough. There’s a freaking economic meltdown going on.
Salaries have been chopped in half and stuffed in dumpsters. An entire nation of bonuses has been torched. Summer Fridays have been taken hostage and are presumed dead.
And where the fuck is the UN’s Economic Peace-Keeping Force?
Well, they’re playing mahjong in the back room, but don’t sweat it. I’ve got you covered.
Here’s what’s worked for my family and I’m 14% certain that it will work for yours:
1. THE METHANE WIND FARM: Stop bitching and put your husband’s love of Bush’s Baked Beans to work. Make sure your least favorite neighbor is downwind.
2. THE HAMSTER WHEEL: Invest in a treadmill. Attach children securely and harness their energy to power both Mr. Coffee and the electronic can-opener. Not simultaneously. BUT…just like in Back To The Future! As an added bonus, your kids will be in peak physical condition to compete in feats of great endurance. Preferably reality shows. Which is where the real money is.
3. THE RULE OF AMISH: Leading me to my next point – the more children you have, the more money you save…if you pack everything you own into a covered wagon, move to rural bumblefuck, and put your precious progeny to work. Living off the grid, as it were. This decision will be worth its weight in gold as you sit on your throne of hand stitched quilts, eating freshly churned butter.
4. THE TOY SANCTION: Stop buying your kids unnecessary crap. It is highly doubtful your children have nuclear weaponry, which means you can get all world-power righteous in their renegade-nation faces and lay down the smack. Impose the Hasbro Sanction. The Mattel Sanction. The Fisher-Price Sanction.
In fact, there’s no need to ever buy another children’s book. Bust out the Yellow Pages and let the fun begin! Might I recommend the Moving & Storage Section? My son has also enjoys the Vacuum Repair Pages. The phone book can be your ticket to approximately 15 free minutes, in which you can write one quarter of a mediocre blog post.
5. THE MOGLEY FACTOR: Pets are expensive. The organic, whole wheat dog food imported from New Zealand. The Marc Jacob diamond-studded collar. The cashmere-lined bed. The four-star pet hotel where your pooch stays when you’re out-of-town. Using dog-walker-to-the-stars, Umberly McMoreland. Boo-coup bucks.
The solution: making Fifi an “outdoor” pet. One who roams with the coyotes! Connects with her ancient heritage! Feels the wind of freedom through her fur! You’re not saying ‘goodbye.’ You’re saying, ‘I’ll see you around with your pack of wild friends.’
** Rabies shot advised.
6. SWEAT-IT-OUT: It’s a well-known fact that the consumption of Doritos rises at the same rate the stock market plunges. But who wants to pay the exorbitant monthly gym fees to work out next to Mr. Sweaty Air-Drummer? I recommend ditching the AC and turning your home into a sauna. You might develop a slight mold problem, but you’ll be sweating off the pounds AND saving money. If this doesn’t sound appealing, you should try jogging around the block chased by a pack of wild dogs.
7. THE WORLD CUP JOB MARKET: So a friend of a friend of my brother says there’s an opening on the World Cup Coaching circuit for the French team. If you are a mother, you have more than enough experience with uprisings against authority and are fully qualified to crack the whip on a dozen extremely good-looking French men. I mean, if we’ve learned anything from the French Revolution, it’s that the baguette is important. Make sure they get a good breakfast, tell ’em to shut their yaps and get on the field.
8. THE PUBLIC OPTION: I urge you to get rid of your money-eating, gas-guzzling vehicle and discover public transportation. How much fun would it be to load up the kids on the bus, transfer at Oak St, and catch the next bus to soccer practice! For vehicle-obsessed boys, buses and trains offer endless entertainment. Make it an all-day excursion! Bring your lap-top, get some writing done and let the kids go nuts. You’ll meet some weirdos and winos along the way, but your blog posts will chock-full of hilarity.
For the germaphobes and entrepreneurial-minded, I suggest investing in a rickshaw. Not only will you get to your destination – after other destinations of course, but you’ll get loads of exercise in the process. It will save you money AND make you money. Hey, if it works in Vietnam…
9. ACCOUTREMENTS: When the economy goes tits up, it’s time to pack an emergency kit. Just the essentials. Some pop tarts. A nail file. A good pair of shoes to stand in food lines like in Grandma Marge’s Dust Bowl stories. Maybe a flame thrower to ward off vampires. And let us not forget a pocket knife with a cork screw. As Bear Grylls always says*: every good emergency kit needs enough bottles of wine to last a fortnight.
*It is possible Bear Grylls never said this.
10. KEYNESIAN ECONOMICS, BITCH: When all else fails, start spending money like crazy and the economy WILL get better. At least, that’s what our government does.
And I’m confident they know what they’re doing.