Julie Lay
Latest posts by Julie Lay (see all)
- What to Expect The First Day Home from the Hospital - May 1, 2013
- Enemies of the Daycare Mom - March 17, 2013
- How to Identify a Mom of Young Kids - January 22, 2013
1. The Learning Curve
First Pregnancy: You read every book known to man about pregnancy, childbirth, childcare, environmental toxins, diet and exercise, etc.
Subsequent Pregnancies: You read People magazine in the spare three minutes you get to yourself each day. Hey, you have to find out what Brad and Angelina are up to somehow. Been there. Read that. Whatever.
2. Extracurricular Activities
First Pregnancy: You practice prenatal yoga and water aerobics and take every childbirth and child-rearing class that is offered.
Subsequent Pregnancies: You don’t have time to think, let alone take a class with a bunch of first-time moms who want to talk about what labor is going to be like. It is going to suck. Then it will be over. The end.
3. Nursery Preparedness
First Pregnancy: Everything in your nursery is washed, organized, perfectly matched and ready for baby by the time you hit 25 weeks.
Subsequent Pregnancies: Baby? Oh, crap. I am having another one of those? In a panic, you start doing last-minute preparations for the baby around 39 weeks.
4. Your Diet
First Pregnancy: You make sure that you eat a perfect, balanced diet so the baby will have every advantage from day one.
Subsequent Pregnancies: You eat spare chicken nuggets off your toddler’s plate while cleaning up after dinner and getting ready for bedtime.
5. Your Social Life
First Pregnancy: You still go out with friends and stay out a little later than you want just so they don’t think that having a baby is going to change you.
Subsequent Pregnancies: Short of them offering you free tickets to lick Gerard Butler’s abs, you tell your friends to go fuck themselves. You’re pregnant.
6. Diagnosing Mystery Ailments
First Pregnancy: If any little thing just doesn’t feel right, you call your OBGYN.
Subsequent Pregnancies: If anything short of a limb falling off happens, you say it will be fine and keep on moving.
7. Talking/Thinking About Baby
First Pregnancy: You think and talk about your pregnancy 24-hours a day. It is the only thing you can think about.
Subsequent Pregnancies: You think about your pregnancy twice the entire time: Once when the stick shows two lines instead of one, and again when your water breaks and it is time to head to the hospital.
8. Weight Gain
First Pregnancy: You worry about proper weight gain and what you are going to look like after the baby comes.
Subsequent Pregnancies: You supersize everything and get dessert after. Fuck it. You’re going to get stretch marks either way. Why not live a little?
9. Fetal Movements
First Pregnancy: Feeling your baby kick will make you stop what you are doing no matter how important it seemed. This is the miracle of life, people!
Subsequent Pregnancies: When your baby kicks, it is still great and all, but if you were on your way to get a donut, you aren’t stopping to embrace it. It will happen again after the donut. Babies like donuts.
10. Baby Expectations
First Pregnancy: You think that your baby will be the second coming of Christ.
Subsequent Pregnancies: You know there is a good chance that your baby will be an asshole that will cry for hours on end for no reason and vomit in your hair right after you finally got a spare minute to wash it.
{ 47 comments… read them below or add one }
Number five nearly made me spit out my tea with laughter. How true! I have to admit, though, that I found myself nodding at all of them. I have a friend who is pregnant for the first time right now and keep wondering if I was that obsessed (yeah, probably was).
Kat recently posted..My two loves: internet and reading
Yay, Kat!
Hilarious because it’s the truth!! :)
#’s 3, 8, and 9 were me. But most definitely # 3! We were so, “Shit! We need to get this kid’s room together! Gah!”
Babies love ice cream, too. LOL
I am baking my third little bundle in less than 5 years. I couldn’t help snoring with glee at this. I was a little worried my co-workers with their first pregnancies were going to think I’m a heartless jerk for not being as excited as they. The I realized I’m making yet another human. What the heck do I care what they think? Haha! Thank you.
This couldn’t be more right on!! I didn’t fret whatsoever about Baby #2 and she has been a rockstar!
Winning line: “Subsequent Pregnancies: Short of them offering you free tickets to lick Gerard Butler’s abs, you tell your friends to go fuck themselves. You’re pregnant.”
Great bit!
Ninja Mom recently posted..Lies and the lying moms who lie them
Omg #5!! A 1st timer friend has been asking me about 100 questions a day. I humor her, but am a little freaked now knowing that I was probably exactly the same the first time.
Mama Melch recently posted..Back in Tornado Country
Love all the comments ladies! glad you think it is funny!
Ilikebeerandbabies.com recently posted..Puppy Dogs and Rainbows Friday
I am SO glad I was the first in my circle of friends to have a baby. That meant when they all got pregnant, I could just sit back while they attended childbirth classes & read What To Expect like it was 50 Shades of Grey and think to myself, “You fools! You know nothing of this! NOTHING! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!”
Hahahaha! I’ve heard each pregnancy after the first is just a breeze. There are definitely less worries. I only have one, but I know this exactly how it would be for me too if I ever have more. Great post!
Natasha recently posted..Happy Birthday Grandma!
Oddly, this made me want to get pregnant again. I’ve got twins & I’ve been thinking I was finished, but those hormones can be a tricksy bitch.
Amanda R recently posted..Meeting Nature in the City
this is hilarious and COMPLETELY dead on. You forgot how with number one you boil EVERYTHING. With number two, if it drops on the floor. you gob on it, wipe it on your shirt, and then stick it back in the baby’s mouth.
Tracy in Suburbia recently posted..Top Ten Things to Tell Your Kids When They Discover You Ate All Their Candy
I am going through pregnancy number 2 right now and was actually feeling really guilty about not treating this kiddo the same as my first. THANK YOU for letting me know I am a normal scary mommy. Seriously I feel 100 times better.
Amen!
It’s so funny that this is true, that we do this, because I can’t think of much else in life where I’ve been all, “Hey, no worries, I got this” after just one go. I guess after the first pregnancy/baby, it’s the resignation that gets you. I think it’s also that during the 1st pregnancy, most veteran moms are nice enough to just smile and tell you how lovely you look and how exciting it’s going to be. The 2nd pregnancy, when they see you with another kid in tow, they start giving you the knowing look of sucks-don’t-it camaraderie.
Jenny recently posted..When Ann Rice Died: Reflections on Death, Chickens, and Motherhood
These were too funny. Most of them extremely accurate. I did do a lot of obsessing with my second daughter than with my first. With my first, most of my worries ended once I hit 12 weeks. Then we lost our second baby at 16 weeks. So paranoia was my theme the next time.
But it’s amazing how that toddler distracts you! With our first, we were decorating her room in neutral decorations (didn’t know the gender). The next one moved into a beige room that was finally painted and decorated about the time of her first birthday.
Plus I want to know how often those Gerard Butler tickets are offered so I can stand in line.
“It will happen again after the donut. Babies love donuts.” HA!!! This is hilarious and true. Sorry, first-time moms!
Stephanie recently posted..Adult Children of Mom Bloggers’ Support Group
Lost it at “your baby will be an asshole” hahahaha!! This is hilarious!!
First Pregnancy: You know to the day how far long you are. Wishing your due date would be here already
Subsequent Pregnancies: You have no clue how far long you are, and give people dirty looks when they ask because it’s a reminder that your due date is getting closer :)
I’m on my 4th pregnancy (4th boy) right now. Guess what I had for dinner last night: gingerman cookies and vanilla ice cream (kids were not around to witness this btw). #4 all the way! I usually am better than that but with only 6 weeks left I’m really in the screw it and enjoy myself stage. At some point, I should probably pull out all the hand-me-down baby clothes and sort out all the ones that are too puke stained to keep…
This is awesome, and so, so true! Great post!
Susan @ Real Life Travels recently posted..Getting rid of the Pacifier
Number 9 & 10 cracked me up the hardest
So funny!!! But I’m wondering, am I the only mom in the world who hated feeling my baby kick? She was absolutely VIOLENT in there. Nothing magical (to me) about it at all! :/
Yeah, baby number one I took deliberate little steps, carried nothing and protected my belly from anything that might get anywhere near it. Second one, I was carrying a toddler everywhere and moving furniture. The first one gives you all the wonders and newness of being pg and the second one gives you the confidence of knowing you are tougher than you thought and have a clue about what’s going on. My mother is the 8th of 9, so I suspect my grandmother probably just stopped hoeing a row of beans or something to have her and then went back to work.
I do not know why it put my comment here, but HI! and no, the kicking was not always adorable. Especially when baby #1 practiced field goals with my bladder. :-)
Rebeccah recently posted..Stranger Danger and My Kids Were Unprepared
You are SO not alone. Sure, I loved it sometimes, but usually it was startling. And sometimes even slightly painful if he got something internal (ribs, cervix(!), bladder) And almost always annoying… I only enjoyed the really early kicks, once my babies get bigger, they’re strong little fuckers and it’s really not pleasant to be beat-up from the inside-out!!!
I lost it on #9! Too funny
Fantastic list! There is a #11. It also happens at around 39 weeks. “O, shit. We have to NAME IT!”
MILF Runner recently posted..Product Review and Giveaway: Sports Bra!
#9 was definitely true for me. It was still interesting the second time around when it first started happening. But pretty soon I remembered that soon enough I’d be getting kicked in the face, and gut, and boobs, and everywhere else and I was over it.
Nicole(Whole Strides) recently posted..Blah, blah. Filler, filler
So so true. Makes me wonder what happens on the 3rd kid. Pretty sure, no woman with 3+ children even has time to notice they’re pregnant.
Barbara recently posted..ChaLean Extreme Burn Phase: Week 2
Yes, all these. I barely had time to take a shit, never mind worry about prenatal yoga and eating probiotics (I totally did those things in my first pregnancy).
My poor second child (who turned out well and healthy).
Alison recently posted..Tasty Thursday: Gingerbread Loaf
I’m in my second right now…..but it’s triplets this time, so I tell people to f-off all the time. I’m huge and miserable and just leave me the hell alone!
OMG, i’m having twins second time around and I feel the same way. I tell people the same, especially poor hubby he gets the worst of it :-(
Omg! Hey -babies like donuts! So funny! And you seriously called the future baby an asshole. No joke, when I woke up from my c section I hear this kid crying.It sounded like a child, not a newborn baby! Thenthey wheel in MY 6 1/2 baby, who is all pissed off at the world. I yelled @ her “why are you screaming at ME baby?!?! You almost killed me!” Classic
You had me at Gerard Butler! ROFLMAO!!
check! check! che…..oh gosh! Yes, to all of them!!!
Roshni recently posted..What I’ve been reading this week #21
Oh yea to the last one. I thought I would have some perfect angel child. About two weeks in, I decided that I had instead given birth to a demon.
Aimee recently posted..Small Indulgences
Lmao. Love this. My 3rd “bundle of joy” (read- I hate my life!!!) Just arrived a week ago and my midwives kept on getting pissed at me for forgetting to book appts. I was all “but everythings fine…I forgot I needed you guys!”
Who has time to dream once you’ve made it through once, right? I did it six times by the time the last one arrived I did not need all the fancy baby stuff. Changing table? Any visible surface will suffice. Burp cloth, well my shirt did the job etc.
Charity Deleon recently posted..Afraid to poop
My daughter (who is not pregnant or a mommy yet) keeps pinning your articles to her pinterest board. “10 things not to bring to the hospital” “the 5 grossest things about childbirth” “10 things to pack in your hospital bag” “first pregnancy versus subsequent pregnancies”….
Since I am a mother of 4 these things are very funny to me, but I beg of you. Please stop posting otherwise I may never get grandbabies. And after all this work of raising these kiddos I deserve to get to the good stuff – the grandbabies. :)
I don’t have kids and find this hilarious. But, much like your daughter, these articles make me scared to have kids (but they also make me laugh a lot)!
Anna recently posted..(Part 2) Direct Selling: Pros and Cons
April, this was adorable. ;)
I am sitting here reading this laughing and crying!! I am 5wks prego with #3. DS5 and DD3. Poor #3!!!
I was scared shitless when I got pregnant the 1st time. Not married and the kids father took off by the time I was 12 weeks. Lucky for me, my first and ONLY pregnancy resulted in boy/girl twins!! I figured, why put myself through all the bullshit of having another one when i have one of each? lol And i do have to admit, when they moved, I got sick!! I couldn’t stand it when they moved, how bad does that make me sound? I love my babies more than life itself (even though they’re 7 now), but i wouldn’t put myself through it again lol.
Not sure you have a clear understanding of what the second coming of Christ will be like.
For the second one I knew I was preggo immediately because of the dog nose (could smell donuts from blocks away) but put off taking the pregnancy test so I could continue drinking.