Jill Smokler, AKA Scary Mommy
Latest posts by Jill Smokler, AKA Scary Mommy (see all)
- Dear Judgy Mothers on My Website… - June 15, 2013
- 10 Skills Every Mother Should Possess - June 10, 2013
- Perfection (Or pretty close) - June 3, 2013
It’s impossible to appreciate just how easy a single child is until you have more than one. Last night, Lily and Ben slept at my mom’s house for the night, leaving Jeff and I with only Evan for the night and following morning. Over the past three and a half years, I’d totally forgotten what it was like to have a one on one ratio, or even (gasp) a two on one. It was peaceful and eerily quiet. And a welcome break.
I made me question what on earth I thought was so hard about life when I only had Lily?
Her early days are a blur of exhaustion. Why exactly was I so tired? There was a time period when she was an infant that I needed to pick Jeff up at the subway. I remember being so inconvenienced having to bundle her up and buckle her in to make the 15 minute drive. Taking a single child on an outing now is a pleasure cruise.
It’s impossible to share this information with people until they, too, understand from experience. It sounds condescending and insulting to tell new parents how easy they may one day think their overwhelming days are, and if they never have more than one, they will never understand. As I never would have before. You just can’t. One kid is hard. Until there are more.
It makes me wonder if my friends with four and five kids look at me and long for the easy days. If they roll their eyes at the sense of overwhelming chaos I feel. If my days are a simple walk in the park compared to what they deal with. Probably.
But, I’ll just take their word for it. This is nuts enough for me.
{ 68 comments… read them below or add one }
I do find having two kids slightly easier now they’re a bit bigger, because they entertain each other. No, I think that’s just wishful thinking, really. One is so much easier. And still I want a third. :-)
.-= Mwa´s last blog ..Got to love my visitors =-.
I still can’t figure out what I was so stressed about when my 6YO was born. Crying? Pooping? Hungry? – these are all manageable problems???
Love the title of the post – so true!
.-= Futureblackmail´s last blog ..BACK TO SCHOOL CELEBRATION =-.
it gets easier when they get older. well, i guess it depends on your version of easier. but you can leave the house and not have to take an entourage.
.-= melissa´s last blog ..List Revisions And Changes =-.
TOTALLY agree with you! I say it all the time… “It was SO EASY with just one child… what was I complaining about?” Now that I have two, everything is so much harder! I can’t run this way —> and that way <—– at the same time, you know! I tell everyone with one child now: "ENJOY! It gets much harder!" And maybe they don't want to hear it, but it's so darn true! I was so scared and worried to leave the house with my firstborn… everything, such an ordeal… but with baby number 2, we were going everywhere from really early on. You live, you learn, right? :)
.-= Loukia´s last blog ..Dirty little secret =-.
We are contemplating having a 3rd, and wonder all the time if I will look at our 2 kids now as easy. I can’t possibly imagine – I find every day a challenge, logistically! Will 2 feel like a break the way having 1 around does?
I remember my cousin, who had twins shortly after my first daughter was born, used to say to me “You don’t know how easy you have it.” Um, excuse me…one child IS easier, but it is not easy. I try so hard not to say it to people these days, but sometimes can’t help it. I think back to all the time I wasted, sitting at home, because I thought things were too tough to put my daughter in her little seat and carry her around.
.-= LZ @ My Messy Paradise´s last blog ..My 2 year old is a genius. She is also mean. =-.
I’m glad you added that you don’t want to be insulting or condescending to people who only have one. I do have more than one and I’ve felt this way too, but I’ve seen a lot of friends get hurt over people telling them they have it easy because they have one. Then I tell them that it’s just different…a different hard. The daily grind sure is easier with one, but I think the adjustments are harder with that first one because it’s always new, always a new adventure in navigating some mystery you’ve never encountered before, and that’s exhausting.
I think I kind of lifted the pressure off myself with the second, not every little thing was such a big deal and that made it easier in some respects. Why am I writing a novel? Obviously I’ve thought about this topic a lot. :)
I was afraid to write this because I *don’t* want to seem insulting. One is hard– it’s all new and unfamiliar and hard! It just seems easy once there are more. But if you never have more, it will never seem easy.
I believe you. It’s one of the reasons we were happy to only have one for a couple of years. When we keep my niece and nephew, it’s only for a night or so, but it’s exhausting! Trying to give each one equal attention, triple the number of separate dinners, don’t let anyone pee their pants, wash six hands and keep fingers out of opposite noses, fit three into the tub with only 15 or so toys (totally not enough to share, apparently)…. but they are so worth it.
.-= Ryan Ashley Scott´s last blog ..SWS: Prissy’s Birthday =-.
I could have written this exact thing myself. Almost every word of it. To be alone with 1 child now is like a walk in the park, now. A slow, breathtaking, joyous walk in the park. As compared to a chaotic, stressful one.
My third is my toughest by far (at least as a baby.) I’m glad he came last, because I’m pretty sure there wouldn’t be a third if he came first or second. But I wouldn’t trade him for the world, obviously. :)
–>I can see how it would be a lot harder to go from man on man defense with one or two kids to zone defense with three. I try to remember that as I take my almost 3-yr-old around town.
http://www.WebSavyMom.com
.-= WebSavyMom´s last blog ..Flashback Friday (part 29) – Beer-decathalon =-.
My mom and I have discussed this recently. I have several friends with just 1 kid and it does seem so much easier and it certainly IS easier for me when I just have the one. Having just one with me is a piece of cake, no fighting, no crying, rarely whining, whew it’s just easy. Though your right when I just had one it didnt’ seem that easy to me. I haven’t really thought about it that way, I do wonder why my friends with one want to pull their hair out daily…when to me it seems so easy and they don’t know hard! Easy to pick up and go, easy to fix one meal, bathe one child…but it’s not easy it’s just different.
.-= Rachel´s last blog ..Well that was fun.. =-.
And my third has been the most difficult as well. He wears me out, though when I just have him he’s just about an angel. Go figure.
.-= Rachel´s last blog ..Well that was fun.. =-.
I could have written this. Seriously. I’m glad you did.
.-= OHmommy´s last blog ..Watching my mother cry memories =-.
This could not be more true!! You don’t know what you had until it’s gone….or how easy it was “before”.
.-= Cookie Crums´s last blog ..Who’s 2?! =-.
they say as you get more kids you learn to subconciously multi-task without even knowing it…obviously that’s what you’ve mastered over the years. can I say the same with a fussy hubby? LOL
.-= dawn´s last blog ..tomato & spicy corn relish on puff pastry with horsey sauce =-.
I think the difficulty comes from having no flippin’ idea what you’re doing. Or it was for me at least. Granted, I’ve just got one little one but the other day I was looking at some photos of him being super tiny and covered in cradle cap and peeled skin and I remember how utterly freaked out I was by all of it and I said to my husband “I think when we have a second it will be easier because we will somewhat know what to expect.” Like Schoolhouse Rock always said, “Knowledge is Power”. They said that, right?
.-= Jensational´s last blog ..So very very wrong =-.
GREAT post, and I totally get you. You were not insulting at all…every step of life can be HARD, but sometimes we get the perspective (each additional mouth to feed) and go…wow….it was hard, but not as hard.
I think people get “insulted” because we’re meaning # of kids is hard, NOT the transition from none to one. That is a huge change for anyone…no more being selfish, having to be giving….but, they will learn if they have any more, they’ll encounter a new type of tired, an new type of difficult. And, the past will look really easy….
GREAT post!
.-= ViolinMama´s last blog ..Day Book – Monday Edition =-.
Sometimes I get paranoid and re-think my comments. Because I’m a total nut job. SO, I had to clarify that I SO did not mean you had been condescending in your post. The wording of my comment made it sound like I was glad you redeemed yourself at the end. Totally not what I meant. I meant I appreciate how your approached this subject throughout the post because it was NOT condescending, it was just plain good. There. Now I’ll go away…
.-= Heather of the EO´s last blog ..Say What You Need To Say =-.
I SO didn’t think that. :)
I have one and I’m not sure if it’s harder OR easier. I’m his sole playmate on days when friends are not around. Though I will say…I do love my one on one time with him A LOT!
.-= Nancy@ifevolutionworks.com´s last blog ..Guest Post: Mother of the Year? =-.
That’s so true– that is a wonderful thing about having multiple!
I get it…my 4 year old went off to preschool today….right now I am loving my one child time…gotta run only 30 minutes left of it!
.-= Beth´s last blog ..Down on the Farm =-.
I get that next week. I CANNOT WAIT.
I’m the oldest of six and mom said #3 is the hardest because you ‘only have two hands when you’re crossing the street’ and that with #4 and beyond, you have to give up some control and sanity, so it gets easier. As a mom of four, I agree with her! I did have all three girls at sleepovers and a night home alone with my 3 year old son on Saturday and i was like WOW- having one kid must be SOOO EASY! And, since my oldest is in high school, I don’t even really remember…but i DO remember being tired! At least with one you can MAYBE take a nap! :)
.-= marymac´s last blog ..This Old House =-.
I feel ya. I will be the 1st to admit I have it easy with just one child. I LOVE only having one child. It’s having the 2nd dog now, a bulldog that slobbers and sheds, that totally made life harder.
.-= Live.Love.Eat´s last blog ..Peppery Hush Puppies =-.
P.S. I meant to tell you last week and then Jen’s post about Nutella reminded me – I saw a recipe for croissants filled with Nutella. OMG. Just spread it on the croissant and bake according to pkg directions. Have you tried that?
.-= Live.Love.Eat´s last blog ..Peppery Hush Puppies =-.
That’s how I first tried. HEAVEN, huh? :)
When we just had the two we noticed difference when school was concerned. My son hated school and it showed in his work, my daughter is a perfectionist and is in tag. We joked that if we could just put them both in a bag and shake them up, that would be perfect. Then my youngest daughter came along and she is the shaken mix for sure. Some trouble, but always pays attention to detail. I wouldn’t trade any of them either.
.-= Val´s last blog ..I’m just a Ramblin’! =-.
I’ll admit that I’m glad I don’t have three. Two is way hard enough. And I’ve often wondered what you do when you can’t one on one them. Like when I’m alone with them. Very scary situation.
.-= Jennifer´s last blog ..Four things that didn’t go as I expected. =-.
I have two – I never found it hard when they were babies or toddlers for that matter …but this puberty thing is kicking my ass!
.-= SWIRL GIRL´s last blog ..Support Swirl Girl =-.
I cannot even begin to imagine puberty.
I know that this might sound silly but when Hayden is gone, it gets SO much easier around here. I am still out numbered by the kids but it just doesn’t seem as bad for some reason. I sometimes long of those days of just one child or I wonder what it would be like to have children one at a time, instead of in a group.
.-= Jen, buried with children´s last blog ..My ‘Sean Connery Baby’ =-.
This is hysterical, and so true!! I laugh when my friends with one child complain about how difficult it is. In hindsight, one seems so easy now.
.-= Lynn from For Love or Funny´s last blog ..This week in arguments =-.
Yep…I was a basket case with one…now I’m juggling knives, making dinner, and chasing after two. Two and I’m in complete chaos! I have no idea how I would handle more:O
.-= Nap Warden´s last blog ..6 Legged Zombie Swarm =-.
Our decision not to have a third was largely based on the idea that we did NOT want to be outnumbered. I can handle two. Three would send me to the loony bin.
Now, excuse me while I stick my tongue out and sing…
“Sucks to be YOU!!!!”
;)
.-= cristin´s last blog ..Fuck. My. Life. =-.
I love that, leading into your last post. LOL!
F having one!
I’m on two going on three and my poor friends with only one have to be THE ENTERTAINMENT for that kid. I’m not so talented being in the role of the entertainer – mostly because I hate cartoons and think hide and go seek kind of sucks. So having a 3 & 4 year old I can send out into the back yard to play with each other is a blessing I never forget to count!
One kid *shudder* I can’t imagine.
.-= Jen´s last blog ..My Pregnancy Craving: Cherry Slurpees =-.
THat’s about how I feel about it…I had others so they first one had a playmate. Well not really but it’s a added feature ;)
.-= Rachel´s last blog ..Well that was fun.. =-.
haha i loved this post ! i do not have kids yet, but i have baby sat since i was 9 1/2 years old .. and i was and still am, so grateful that at the end of the night .. i get to go home and sleep through the night ! i cant wait til the day that i have kids, and i know it will be a task .. so i am enjoying my time alone for right now !
.-= Kaitlin Johnston´s last blog ..Raven’s First Bath =-.
I don’t think you get off easy with 3 kids but I will do a little eye rolling because I can. I have raised 4 and I have often thought there wasn’t that much difference in having 3 or 4 kids. Maybe 5 makes a difference. I know that Mom with 19 kids is rolling her eyes at both of us.
.-= passions and soapboxes´s last blog ..Hairspray…. =-.
It has been 5 years now that I am a Empty Nester…I still am a loss for what to do with all my time! :)
Being a Mommy was the hardest and “bestest” job of my life!
.-= Ronda’s Rants´s last blog ..Tangling with Tyrants =-.
You know people with 4 or 5 kids? Just thinking about that makes me tired, LOL! I don’t know how my parents did it with just 3. And I don’t know how you do either…but you all deserve a great big pat on the back, that’s for sure!
.-= Notesfromthegrove´s last blog ..Dear Jillian Michaels, =-.
I guess I’ll never know how easy this is, because ONE is quite enough for me :P
.-= Amber´s last blog ..Happy Half Birthday =-.
Just imagine how the Duggars feel ;-)
.-= MommyGeekology´s last blog ..Call me Mommy. Please. =-.
Well, they’re just fucking crazy.
You are sooo right. This is why I am selfishly having one. I am lazy and still slightly self-observed. I like having my glass of wine outside at night, chatting on the phone. I like to sleep in on a Saturday because it’s my husband’s turn to take her to the park till 12. And I LOVE getting great sleep every night and if not…rotating bad sleep. Of course I roll my eyes at my childless friends who by the end of the “sitting on the couch and picking my ass” weekend tell me “I am so tired” and when I tell them about my sleep deprived night explain to me that “whiskers (the cat) wakes them up too)….BUT I know how good I have it and I will never compare myself to the parent of 2 or more. My hat goes out to you guys!
.-= Ilona Siller´s last blog ..TOP 10 MEAN CARDS. =-.
agreed again…Duggers….crazy.
.-= Ilona Siller´s last blog ..TOP 10 MEAN CARDS. =-.
It’s not the number that matter. 1, 2, 3, 4 or 20. Each step along the way means you have to change something. 1 is hard in the early stages because let’s face it you don’t know what you are doing. Then one morning you wake up and you kinda do then it gets a bit easier.
.-= DCUrbanDad´s last blog ..In and out of Target in under $50 =-.
Can totally relate to this post!!! I was beyond thrilled a few times this Summer when my parents just took one or two of my children home from the beach and bathed them at their house. The promised sleepover proved elusive though! :) I’ll take what I can get…LOL!
.-= Mags´s last blog ..I Spy…. =-.
I completely get where you are coming from, now that I am on baby #3.
.-= Missy´s last blog ..Not Back-to-School blog hop~ Day-in-the-life Week =-.
I am one of four children. Way back in ’74 it broke down like this:
Me- 5 years old
Sister- 3 years old
Twin Sisters- Infants
I didn’t realize how much work it was for my parents until I became a father. I have two now, but I could easily add to the clan. Of course I am not the sole decision maker here so that impacts things a bit.
But I hear you about having one child, it is easier.
.-= Jack´s last blog ..Why Some Blogs Fail Revisited =-.
Aw, shit, if that’s the case, Who is going to look at ME as the one who’s got it easy? No ONE! That’s for sure. I will always be “Poor Gretchen. She’s got 5 kids!”
But just think, when I’m old and grey, I’ll have a ton of people who (hopefully) will visit me and change my Depends.
.-= Texan Mama´s last blog ..Being the New Kid In Town =-.
Yes, I can only imagine what multiple kids would be like. Thankfully, at nearly 42 with only the one, 5 is not in the cards for me.
Enjoy those night when they come. They are likely like the nights I have every evening.
.-= SeattleDad´s last blog ..Get Your Babypants On =-.
I hear you! I feel like I cannot complain about anything when I’m talking to my friends who have 4 kids, or even 3 kids 3 and under, because no matter how tired I may be, they probably have it tougher. Dammit. I’m not me without my right to bitch.
.-= Elisa´s last blog ..Missing you. And you and you and you. =-.
Yes having more than one is hard sometimes very hard but I’m convinved that the benefits of only one must wear thin when you are their constant source of entertainment. I allow my boys to have a day off school every couple of months so that they can have special mummy time as I love being able to focus on one child for just a few hours. They both have their turn and they both really enjoy it.
.-= blueskyhi´s last blog ..My Goals Update =-.
I swear to God, I thought the first 2 months at home with our first born were the hardest days of my life… little did I know! Now that little girl is 2.5 years old and we added twin boys to the mix 8 months ago. The thing is… it just never ends! There are always more bottles to make, more mouths to feed, more diapers to change. You NEVER get a break. I am back at work now (after a 4 month maternity leave), but stayed home a week ago because our daycare was on vacation. In just over a week (with the weekend included), I fed 90 bottles, changed 100+ diapers and fed 18 spoon feedings… that doesn’t even include keeping the 2 year old fed and entertained. OH yeah, AND we are potty training! I have never been so excited to get back to the office.
p.s. I found your blog today after doing a google search for “terrible threes.” I have no idea how she could get worse, but everyone warns me that the threes are worse that the twos. Anyways, thanks for entertaining me for the past 30 minutes… love the blog!
Great post and so true! I often think the same thing.
When I had Tess, Bram went and spent a week with Adam’s mom.
It was the easiest thing ever. I napped and cooked and read magazines. It made me really wonder why I couldn’t do a thing when Bram was a newborn.
The only thing I can figure out is you aren’t used to the lack of sleep and you think you are going to kill them if you do one thing wrong, everything perfect.
By baby #2 you are used to no sleep and non stop action and you know how hard they are to break. Makes sense.
.-= courtney´s last blog ..Wineglass, Martha, Halloween, tutus and a recipe. =-.
I only have one and while I know that some days are crappy and hard, it would only be harder with a second and, oh my god, a third. Which is why I’m still not sure that I want another. I’m crazy enough already.
.-= Cara´s last blog ..Booga Booga Revisited =-.
So true. So true. I remember thinking one was so hard. And then when two came along I was thrown into a whole new world of hard. Or so I thought. But, after about 3, it’s all about the same. Just more food consummed. More butts to wipe and make sure are showered. More noise. More of the same as three. Multiplied. :)
.-= angie´s last blog ..Whrrl….. =-.
Well. I actually KNOW that my life probably was easier with 2 kids. But maybe it also depends on individual temper. Last day and night we just had our littlest, 2y old. And this morning we just found out that is wasn’t THAT MUCH easier. We hoped for a period of relaxing but didn’t find one. I think some kids are simply more demanding than others. I can remember being alone with our second daughter. And it was ALWAYS a cakewalk. Not with the youngest, anyway.
.-= Susanne´s last blog ..Sleep-aholic =-.
we call having one ‘a picnic’ hehe – i know what you mean, but like ross says – ‘it’s aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaal relative!!!’ trust u enjoyed your quiet night!
.-= scrappysue´s last blog ..wordful wednesday – yesterday i became the mother of a daughter entering her 3rd decade =-.
I’m NEVER letting my husband read this post! It’s my biggest wish to have three kids and I’m having to fight for TWO! He’d be happy with just the one, but, you know, the whole sibling thing is really important to us both, so he knows what he’s got to do :) I tell him all the time that one more won’t be that big of a deal! haha
.-= Jessica – This Is Worthwhile´s last blog ..2:50 pm =-.
I thought having one was hard too. Now, with three, having one is like a vacation. Maybe it something to do with experience. Like when I think back to high school and want to kick myself for thinking my thighs were big. I had no idea how big they could really get.
.-= Jennifer´s last blog ..Weekly Meal Plan 3 =-.
That is so, so true. I’d kill for the stomach I hated in high school.
So, so true. I work with a few women who only have one child. It’s hard to bite my tongue when they talk about being busy. Which yes, it is, but it’s just a DIFFERENT BUSY when you have 3. Right?
Even worse? The 37 year-old I work with who is single/no kids. And she comes to work every morning yapping about how she’s “soooooo tired.” Gah.
.-= Trenches of Mommyhood´s last blog ..My Good News! =-.
Believe you me! Every. single. Day. I am so thankful for just one : ). In the summer when I have Naji or Bria I am like HOLY COW! People really take care of more than one kid all the time. How do they do it : ) You are amazing.
.-= Life with Kaishon´s last blog ..Crisis Averted! =-.
If I could stand up and applaud you without keeling over and dying right now… I would. I look at my friends w/ 4 kids and KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt that THIS is NUTS enough for me, and I only have 2!!
.-= Julie´s last blog ..The One with the Annoying Moaning Girl in the ER =-.