Jill Smokler, AKA Scary Mommy
@scarymommy
Latest posts by Jill Smokler, AKA Scary Mommy (see all)
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Wendi Aarons is an award winning humor writer who lives in Austin with her husband and two sons. She’s written for McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, The Big Jewel, HybridMom, Austin Woman Magazine, Parentwise: Austin, and many other places that she can’t remember because of her raging Pinot grigio habit. She also produced the Austin show of Listen To Your Mother. Wendi is currently writing her first book, blogging, and giving advice with her hilarious friends at Mouthy Housewives. Find out more at www.wendiaarons.com.
My lack of domestic ability has been the big family joke for most of my life. Every time I’ve moved into a new house or apartment, my parents’ favorite thing to do is to ask whether my new stove is gas or electric, then laugh their heads off when I don’t know the answer. Once, I didn’t even know where the stove was, but in my defense, it was sort of hidden behind the vacuum cleaner. (That’s the thing you use on carpets, right?)
Although my mother patiently taught me all of the household things she herself did so effortlessly, for some reason, it didn’t take. I tried sewing and pinned my garment to the floor. I tried craft making and maimed myself with a pipe cleaner. I tried making smoothies and had to repaint the ceiling after I forgot to put the lid on the blender. And my cooking is so disastrous that it’s already sent me to the emergency room. Twice.
Basically, I’m Susie Homemaker with a head injury.
But recently, when my parents told me they were coming to visit, I decided it was time to turn over a new leaf. Time to get my shit together and embrace my inner housefrau. After all, how hard could this homemaking crap be? I’m smart. I’m educated. I’m not usually that drunk before 5 p.m. And so began my intense campaign of wiping, scrubbing and organizing absolutely everything in our four-bedroom house before they arrived. After five days, I was exhausted and my hands looked like they belonged to an arthritic, 80 year-old cannery worker, but my house, my house was immaculate. Not even a CSI team with 100 black lights would have found a single, lousy fingerprint. I was ready.
My parents showed up and immediately seemed impressed with the new management. They even complimented me on my matching towels and the non-expired milk in the fridge. But it wasn’t long before my mom asked me, somewhat dubiously, if I had an ironing board she could use. Now, if my husband ever had the balls to ask me to iron one of his shirts, I’d be laughing too hard to throw the dry cleaning coupons at him, but I’d prepared for this moment. “Why, of course I have an ironing board!” I happily chirped, and skipped over to the broom closet where I pulled out my newly purchased ironing board with a flourish. “I keep it right here, so I can get to it easily when I need to press my cloth napkins for my themed dinner parties!” Then I casually leaned over and, with one finger, whipped that sucker open like one of the aging showcase models on The Price is Right. “Ta-da!”
My mom looked at the ironing board and seemed a little surprised. And, I think, a little proud, too. Like maybe her daughter wasn’t actually going to die in a grease fire of her own making some day. I gave her a smug Martha Stewart smile and basked in our lovely mother/daughter moment.
Then my son Jack bombed into the room, took one look at the ironing board and yelled at the top of his lungs, “WHAT THE HECK’S THAT THING, MOMMY?”
“Oh, come on, silly!” I said as I glanced sideways at my mom. ” This is the ironing board! You know that! You’ve seen it before!”
He walked up and gingerly touched it, then quickly pulled back his hand and screamed,“No, I’ve NEVER seen THAT thing before!”
My mom was now covering her mouth with her hands to hide her…giggling? “Sure you have, Jack!” I persisted. “You know mommy uses this ironing board when she irons out the wrinkles in your clothes!”
He looked down at his khaki pants. “But I thought you said that wrinkles make our clothes more interesting and that if we have a problem with it, mister, we can just go stand in the bathroom when daddy’s taking a shower or something. Isn’t that what you said when you were watching TV on the couch like you usually do?”
Raising my voice so I could be heard over the little squeaks that were now coming out of my mom, I gave him a stern look and said, “No, I didn’t Jack. Do…you…understand?”
“OK, whatever, lady,” he muttered, then walked out of the room shaking his head like somebody who’s desperately counting the days until he turns 18.
“Sorry about that, mom,” I said, as she dabbed frantically at her now watering eyes. “I don’t know WHY he said that. But you know how whacko 5 year-olds are. I mean, he thinks chickens can talk. Now, would you like some spray starch or would you prefer to just use plain water? Personally, I find that starch works much better on permanent press, but…” I rambled, trying desperately to go back to that lovely mother/daughter moment where I was a competent adult.
Then 7 year-old Sam ran into the room, stopped dead in his tracks and, pointing at my brand-new, shiny ironing board, screamed, “Wow! What’s THAT thing? A surfboard on legs? Did Grandma bring it here? Can I RIDE on it? Whoo! Cowabunga, dude!”
And it was at that moment, as I watched my now belly-laughing mom gasp for air and my son try to surf on an ironing board, that I realized I’d probably never become a domestic goddess. Or a domestic wenchess. Or even someone who actually keeps vegetables in their vegetable crisper. And you know what? That’s okay. I’m perfectly happy to turn over my featherduster and buy another fire extinguisher. It’s just who I am.
But, for the record, I’m pretty sure my stove is electric.
{ 40 comments… read them below or add one }
Hahah YOU GOT CAUGHT!
I think this is why they made dry cleaners. And wrinkle spray. C’mon, ironing is so 1800s.
i hear ya sista! not sure if, after 20+ years of marriage, my MIL is more disappointed in my lack of churchgoing, or absence of ironing board!
Perfect! The kids will always “throw you under the bus.”
I iron about once a year, very, very grudgingly. I will not buy work clothes for my Hubby which do not come with the lovely “wrinkle free” label. And the last table cloth & napkin my MIL gave me which needed ironing (who DOES that?) discretely made it to the Goodwill donation bin. Even if Martha-Freaking-Stewart was coming over for dinner I would NOT iron that thing.
You are not alone. Thanks for the laugh.
Cheers!
My family actually has a saying : ‘Cleaning like Tinne’. Which means that on the outside it will appear clean and habitable, but that you better not open any cupboards because then everything will tumble out and God forbid you look under the carpets…
BAHAHAHAHAHA!
My mother can’t understand why I get so raging pissed off at my husband for leaving a mess in every room…it’s because I detest housework to the point of having an aneurism if he leaves a gob of spit in the sink!
At our house, the vegetable crisper is where we keep the beer.
Yep. Exactly.
That’s too funny. My son isnt old enough to rat me out just yet!
KMayer- I completely agree with you!
Love, love , LOVE this post – it’s SO me! Except for the part about smoothies … I can make a mean smoothie. I’m so domestically and “crafty” challenged it isn’t funny, and I’m over being worried about it. Glad to know I’m not alone. Sorry your kids called you out ;)
Haha, I love the trying to surf on it part. My brothers and I used to do that too. I learned how to iron at a very young age, my dad is one of those people who irons every single piece of clothing.
I don’t iron. Its my husband’s job.
This is why Downy Wrinkle Releaser was created! So we no longer have to steam ourselves while someone takes a shower.
It’s pretty much like that around here. I haven’t ironed in over a year. I only have one of those mini-table top ones, as I refuse to own one of those surf boards. I can’t even think as to why I even had to buy the little one…
Oh, wait.
It was to iron the hem on curtains that I had to SEW MYSELF. Yeah, that, too, worked out fecking fantastic.
Kids ruin all the best lies.
Leave it to the kids to rat you out. Hilarious. At least your house is (was?) clean. With kids, it doesn’t last long.
Oh my, I really did LOL at this. So funny!!! Bet you got lots of bonus points for trying though ;)
oh..my..god i can totally relate to this post!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! bahahahahah i can imagine a child trying to ride an ironing board.
I thought they made dryers so we didn’t have to iron anymore?
This is the most hilarious post I have read in a long time. I can completely relate. I’m missing that Suzy Homemaker geen myself.
Well crap I was just ironing my linen napkins on Saturday – but I use my dining room table for ironing as I do not own an ironing board. I hope we can still be friends?
I have been married almost 10 years and we have never had an iron or a board to go with it… I can cook just about everything, but can’t stand cleaning. Blah!
LOL, that is so funny, my kids would totally throw me under the bus!! And then they would laugh , knowing what they were doing. Nice huh- but hey i cant show too much disapproval of their honesty!
Welcome to the modern age…I’m actually a better cook and housekeeper then my mother but she can still out sew and out iron me any day. I don’t even buy clothes that need ironing. I did not even think they still sold those things.
My only complaint is that my son has a traumatic brain injury so equating your mess ups to his disability was certainly not cool, sorry.
LOL, I tried to give the ironing board to Goodwill. My husband protested. He now irons his own clothes. The kids and I walk out the door slightly damp everyday from wrinkle spray (I learned how to make my own–Google it!) and I’m just fine with that. I feel like I’m saving electricity that way.
I know you got the ironing board and spray starch, but did you remember to buy the iron?
My kid did this to me with the mop recently.
Such jerks, these kids, you know?
Oh, Wendi, how I love you. I have never ironed and never will. And because of that, neither my dining room table nor I will ever wear linen.
Domesticity is so overrated. Couch-sitting and wine-drinking? Now THAT’S something to be savored.
My Granny mangled her sheets (that’s a HUGE iron press).
My mom ironed.
I’m waiting for the iIron.
Loved this one. Ironing is for boring people. PS – the Mouthy Housewives link is broken.
I haven’t laughed this hard in a long time. My kids always spill the beans. Like they have ‘mom-lie-radar’. The only time they seem to notice something is when I don’t want them to.
I don’t iron. I bought a Tobi Steamer and I love that thing. Takes like 30 seconds so if I ever need something done, I can just do it the day I need it.
Wendy-I would have loved to be a fly on that wall. LMAO!
Fabulous. Thank you for reminding me I don’t have to be perfect housekeeper to be a homemaker — I actually dont mind cleaning but can’t in any human way manage the messes of three kids under 4. It’s a true hamster wheel!
I’m in the same boat–but have finally figured out that playing dumb is much more effective. Now when my mother comes over, she knows I’m so inept that she asks ME if I have anything that needs ironing…. She also likes to clean the refrigerator, and I have stopped being embarrassed by the six-month old Chinese food containers shoved against the far wall. I say: Embrace your inner Susie Homemaker with a head injury! Put her to work for YOU!
After all that hard work!!
At least your mum was laughing though. (And we were too).
Kids always drop you in it – but as they get older you can really get your own back ;-).
I have an ironing board and an iron… Hubby uses it like once or twice a year when we go out on a date.
I read this to my kids and when I finished they looked at me and promised to never make fun of my cleaning or cooking abilities again.
At least I know where my electric stove is!!! It’s right there below the microwave, where I do 90% of our cooking!!!
Hubby cooks pancakes every weekend, so the stove DOES get SOME use!
Oh, god, dying.
So funny.
And I didn’t even know where the switch was to turn on the vacuum cleaner until my MIL came to visit and said, “this place needs a good vacumming.”
Here, you go, knock yourself out.
so I’m not the only one who doesn’t iron?!?!
WOOHOOO!
lol you are hilarious… and i so know how you feel about not being a domestic diva. im so not the most domesticated mom out their. i currently and never have ever owned an ironing board.. and until i started sewing i never owned an iron.
If it makes you feel better, I do have an ironing board, but I can’t remember the last time it was used. I only know that I sport the scar from the burn the iron left on my wrist. I put it away, never to pull it out again.
we are cut from the same cloth
Too funny. Nothing like brutally honest kids to ruin everything.