Jill Smokler, AKA Scary Mommy
@scarymommy
Latest posts by Jill Smokler, AKA Scary Mommy (see all)
- The Disney Reveal - May 14, 2013
- Met My Match At Disney… - May 13, 2013
- Sunday’s Baltimore Sun - May 11, 2013
Sometimes, when I go out alone, I like to pretend that I am young and single. Not to pick up strange men or anything, just kind of like a test. A test to see if the word ”mom” is invisibly blazoned on my forehead. A test to see if I could possibly pass for young and unattached. A test, just for fun.
Last May, I got to try it out, on one rare day that I took for myself. I got a pedicure, went to the mall and did some shopping, just for me for a change. As I paid for my purchases, the cashier at the Gap wished me a Happy Mother’s Day. Defeated, I left in a bit of a huff. What about me so obviously spelled mother? Could he see the stretch marks underneath my clothes? Was my muffin top a dead giveaway? My wrinkles? The patch of white hair I sport? What the hell was it?! Mission: failed.
It took until I was back at home for me to realize that I was wearing a hand-painted macaroni and yarn necklace around my neck.
But I don’t give up that easily.
So, last week, I was in New York recording the audio version of my book. Just me, a producer and a hot sound tech in his twenties. Again, the opportunity presented itself to not talk about diarrhea, strep throat or the high cost of preventative orthodontics and I was all over it. You know, to be a woman and not just a mother. I pretended to be Carrie Bradshaw circa 2000, and he pretended to be somewhat interested in my book. I was making progress!
And, then, I had to start reading.
“When I finally grunted Lily out, along did come a little something else, but it wasn’t even a blip on the radar at the moment. Actually, being able to piss and shit openly was oddly liberating. Kind of relaxing, even.”
“Mothers think nothing of using saliva to clean our little ones’ faces or openly smelling their bottoms to determine whether they’ve indeed defecated.”
“My midsection looks like a crime scene, purple spiders crawl up my legs, and my once bouncy hair is an undecided mess between curly and wavy… I don’t even want to think about what my vagina would look like after pushing another kid out…”
I think it’s safe to say I failed that test, too.
{ 102 comments… read them below or add one }
Oh my gosh! This made me laugh so hard Jill : )
I miss those spit finger face cleaning days…
it flies by too quickly, doesn’t it?
Life with Kaishon recently posted..Babysitting (and some advice for photographers)
I love it! Yes, it’s hard to pass that test. One only has to read some of my Tweets (today, about having to clean shit out of the kid’s panties and it making me not want to cook) to realize I’ve totally failed this test you speak of.
Sili recently posted..Mami Swagger: Saving Face
Rofl…I guess we do have something tattooed across our foreheads that blaze “MOMMY”
OMG! I absoloutely thought this was hilarious. I have to admit, I am the same! Anytime i actually get a chance to go out without kids… I do my sexy walk, smile just a little bigger, and flirt a whole lot more. Not to bring home a random creepy guy, but to bring home an up in my confidence level- Not to mention the fact that I wanted to feel sexy again!
Chrissy recently posted..Dreams of Velcro, Potty Training, and Cooking
So, that makes you a milf, right? ;-)
Just think, you’ve probably helped this guy be really, really religious about birth control for the next ten years or so. Think of it as a public service.
Stephanie recently posted..My McGyver Moment, or The Night I Saved the World
Ha ha ha! Yes!
Mod Mom Beyond IndieDom recently posted..Cocktail Tom
Everyone always knows that I am a mom. And I have no idea what the dead giveaway is. Maybe it’s because I’m not all dressed up for work but really I probably just have some kind of food or paint on me somewhere. Let’s go out on the town together and pretend we have no kids. We shall make those who assume we are moms feel bad and we can giggle about it over a glass of wine!
Brittany recently posted..Don’t Ever Let it Go
Wow, it’s so crazy how all momMEs think alike. BTW, girl you still got it!
Savvy Sassy MomME recently posted..Savvy Sassy MODEL MomME
I like to pretend I’m not a mom sometimes. Then people see what I have in my cart and it usually gives it away. Or my kids find me in the grocery store and burp and fart, scream and whine. I feel your pain I do.
regina recently posted..Miltary Families Use Expired Coupons
ROFLOL!!!
Susan @Homeschooling Hearts & Minds recently posted..What Ichthyosis Isn’t
That Mommy blaze stays with us for many years…until one day POOF it’s replaced by a coat of invisibility called being a middle-aged woman. I’m rockin’ that coat, women!
DarleneMAM recently posted..Operation ReloSouth: First Stop Landfall in Wilmington, NC
Humor me. I like to pretend I can tell which stories are made up for dramatic effect, and which events actually happened. Last May’s macaroni-necklace day to yourself? Fiction. Last week’s audio recording with the hot sound tech? Fact.
Am I good or what?
That is a really hard test! It doesn’t help that I work with animals for a living and will sway with the small ones I hold just like I would a child – dead giveaway!… I guess there’s no denying motherhood;)
<3
I have simply accepted the fact that I have “mommy” written all over me. I wear it as a badge of honor…or perhaps simply a badge of mucus that is inevitably smeared on my clothing before I leave my house. And despite the fact that I hated when my mother did it, I use my own saliva to remove stuff from my kid’s faces. They hate it too…even though they are only three and four years old :)
Heidi Bryan recently posted..Oh…Dear…Lord…
:) And then there’s grandchildren! <3
I’m thinking it’s the permanent effects of, in my case, twelve years of sleep deprivation that gives it away. Every. Time.
Rebecca Schorr recently posted..Special Delight
Ha! Well, better he find out now what he’s in for.
Jennifer recently posted..GNO: The White Girl’s Overbite, Part I
Hm. I thought hot sound the guys liked hearing about ladies shitting on tables?
No wonder my 20′s were so lame…
Kim at Let Me Start By Saying recently posted..Stuff You Didn’t Know I Know. Also: Me With a Tank.
Ha! This made me laugh until a little pee came out. Because that what mysteriously happens, even when you have a C-Section. Mom test most definitely failed over here too!
Jeni Kramer recently posted..Wigglepedia
This. I had two c-sections and if I’m sitting down I’m fine, but if I’m standing I have to cross my legs before I sneeze or cough really hard or laugh really hard, but especially the sneezing.
Seriously! Shouldn’t normal bladder control be the one benefit for my having to have an emergency C?! No fair, I say!
Jeni Kramer recently posted..Wigglepedia
Thank you for the laugh!
I can’t imagine saying that narration out loud. This will be my first audiobook, hands down!
Dani recently posted..Divine Intervention
Oh that’s so hilarious! And of course, OF COURSE, the tech guy was hot.
Way to fight the good fight, though…third time’s a charm!
Liz @ PeaceLoveGuac recently posted..Plan B
You. are. too much. LOL…..
Nicole @MTDLBlog recently posted..5 Things I’m Proud Of {Listable Life}
I’ve got it all wrong. I drop hints, to anyone that will listen, that I’m a mom. I like to see the look on their face when I shock them with the truth…I am not young or single, just a MILF. ;)
Jen recently posted..Quality time
Awesome!!!! I think it is also the vibe us mommies give off. :)
amory/irish twins momma recently posted..Be still my heart
LOL!
Laurie Evans recently posted..Wicked Awesome Wednesday #63
Ah, the ol’ ‘shit on the birthing table’ experience… we laugh in solidarity. :)
Kristen Mae recently posted..15 Things You Should Give Up In Order to Be Happy – Rebut
HA! So funny. One time I was out by myself and acting all cool and single and trying to flirt with the cute 18 year old drive-thru guy at Starbucks..and then I realized I was driving a fucking minivan and the gig was up…as usual. xo
tracy@sellabitmum recently posted..Breakfast for Dinner – Yay or Nay?
We have a tradition with my girlfriend to take a few days and hit Miami South Beach every year. We’ve been doing it ever since we were single and decided to keep the tradition after having kids. I have to say – I can’t pass that test any more. I still love clubs and bars, but I feel like such a mom when I am there that it makes me sick. I keep thinking to myself – who am I kidding, what am I doing here, I’ve got 2 kids and a husband at home. I guess parenting is not the kind of job you can just take a vacation from.
So damn sad isn’t it! A guy tripped because he was looking at me but then I realised that he was looking at the car next to me. I will not give up hope that it isn’t the muffin top that gives me away!
I don’t think I could have read that out loud without giggling.
Alison@Mama Wants This recently posted..Wordless Wednesday: Toddler ‘Tude
Mental note to self: don’t read the birth section of Jill’s book out loud to hot guys when I’m pretending NOT to be a mom.
Lynn from For Love or Funny recently posted..Write this for me, part four
Oh my god. That poor kid. That whole scene should have been videotaped. Hilarious!
Guerrilla Mom recently posted..Mom- you’re a big, fat liar.
So funny! This past weekend, we went on vacation with three other couples and their kids. On Saturday, us ladies left the kids at home and tried to do the same thing. The problem is, the whole time we were at lunch the conversation was about our kids. Then we tried shopping, which was a disaster. Instead of shopping for ourselves like we planned, we spent hours in the Carter’s store and in the kid section of Nike. Mission Failed!
Cassie recently posted..Everyone Says "They Come in Threes"
I was in CVS with a guy who kept smiling at me in every aisle I went in. To test whether he was following me or not, I went by the feminine hygiene products. There he was. He WAS following me. Because I am smokin’ hot! And then this bastard shows me he’s holding two different kinds of diapers wondering which are best. “How the hell should I know, do you see me with kids?” “Well, I figured you might have some since you have a banana sticker on your forehead.” Fuck you, Chiquita.
Arnebya recently posted..Our Home Is
I do that too! It’s nice sometimes to just be about among adults and “pretend” you don’t have to go home to clean up toys and wipe butts.
Motherhood on the Rocks recently posted..LINK UP WITH LINK’N BLOGS
Ha! Totally reminds me of when I found myself talking about my c-section with the super hot 19 year old life guard at our community pool. 20 years later, and I STILL don’t know how to talk to teenage boys….
Kate Coveny Hood recently posted..Six Pack
Yeah, I have never once passed this ‘mom’ test.
Jen recently posted..The Secret of Field Trips
Love it. Hilarious. And all true. Except, I want the Outside World to know I am a mommy at all times, at least as an explanation for my dark undereye circles and raggedy hair. Otherwise I just look like a bag lady.
Sarah recently posted..Risk of Frost… AIEEEEE!
ahhh, nothing like talking about shitting whilst in the presence of a hot 20-something. love you!
april recently posted..It’s Only Tuesday You Say?!
GROSS. JUST PLAIN GROSS.
and this is why I watch gossip girl on netflix..and pretend that chuck bass is in love with me. so I can escape…lol
I do something similar, Jill! When I’m able to slip out of the house without my kids, I totally try to act all badass and fierce. And then I’ll see a happy mom and her adorable kids and I’ll get that meltly “Awwww…” look and the mom will look at me and smile. I always wonder if she’s smiling b/c she sees a fellow warrior in the battle of parenting or if she’s thinking, “Tsk… poor childless lady! She must be an old maid with lots of cats.” Or maybe she’s thinking, “How’d she get so lucky to go shopping sans offspring?” haha.
Scroogy recently posted..Stay Tuned, I swear I’ll be back
This is one of the funniest blog posts I’ve read. Ever. And I stopped reading Mommy blogs several years ago when my kids hit their teens. Congrats for getting me to subscribe to yours!
Oh no!! That’s too funny. I hope he at least didn’t make eye content during those parts.
Nina recently posted..Barre Classes, Lululemon, and My Unsculpted Arms
Bahahah! I bet the ubercool 20something techie was totally unfazed too!!
Johanna recently posted..Oh, The Places You’ll Go.
omg, this had me laughing out loud for what seems like forever! Oh, my stomach hurts from laughing. Don’t worry, you’re still super hot, spider veins & all ;)
Lin recently posted..It’s Wednesday, So Here’s What I’m Loving
Awesome.
Jennifer recently posted..The Dinner Dilemma
LOL. At 45, even though I look a handful of years younger, there’s no way I can pass that test anymore. In fact, now it’s kind when people assume I’m a mom, because otherwise they’d have to assume that I’m just an old, ugly fat slob who no one wanted to breed with.
Yeah, I totally feel good about failing the test, considering the alternative!
Katie B. of HousewifeHowTos.com recently posted..Homemade Soap Scum Remover
I don’t think I will ever pass the Mom Test even when my kids are grown up. Motherhood wafts off me like a perfume!
!
Jessica recently posted..Dear Chris,
I am always a dead giveaway at the cash register…I actually start straightening up the counter. Habit!
Tracy Larson recently posted..How to Get Your Husband to Help Around the House
hahahaha! everyone knows i’m a mom too…except sketchy old weirdos who hit on me….
I had a moment of thinking, “Well, what’s so weird about sniffing a baby’s bum to see if he’s pooped?” Then the moment passed, and the part of myself that remembers pre-baby started yelling at me. She can be so mean sometimes. Apparently “it’s never okay to stick your nose in someone else’s bottom.” Whatever. B*tch.
Kathy V. recently posted..Blog Improvement Project, Part 1
Ha ha, this is really funny. I don’t think I can pass the mommy test either.
Jenny Scott recently posted..Kim Kardashian in Kanye’s Car
I thought I was the only who did this! Every time I go out by myself I try to pretend like my former single self. Sometimes I can actually pull it off. As long as I don’t open my mouth:)
The Mommy Psychologist recently posted..Guess Who Is Sleeping Alone Again Tonight?
Lol, I don’t think so that I can pass this mother test….(:
It’s so funny !
Baby M recently posted..Death of the Dollar, Again
I’d have failed that test too. Once you’re a mother, there’s an aura or something. Or maybe it’s because I feel the need to wipe everyone’s faces with saliva and a Kleenex?
Kimberly recently posted..Please don’t send me to jail
I joined a gym last year and developed an instant crush on one of the instructors. I would actually go out of my way to look ok when I’d go: hair nicely tied back, contact lenses in, sleek black workout outfits. Yet no matter how hard I flirted with him he’d still come back and call me “mama” and treat me with motherly respect. Damn it, that is so not what I want from him hahaha!
Challenge accepted! I successfully managed to stop attracting admirers since I got pregnant. Even though the bump was not visible I guess I must have this “pregnant look” all over my face! I can’t wait to be a mommy now but will definitely take the single chick’s challenge when my desire for attention will rocket :)
Alinka @ Baby Web recently posted..Prenatal Classes – Lesson 1
I realized long ago that even when I go out without the kids in tow, it’s painfully obvious from my attire that I’m a mom. Something like hand print shaped stains on my clothes always gives me away!
Rachael recently posted..That Time I Almost Impaled My Son With the Butter Knife
Hilarious!
I continue to be shocked when I’m called “Ma’am” . I’m like “Ma’am?…really?…what makes me look like a Ma’am?” I’ll never accept that.
Michelle recently posted..If You Don’t Hear, You Will Feel
I think what gives me away is when I react to every kid yelling “Moooom!” You know…like when you have a baby and even when you’re out by yourself, every time a baby cries it sets off some sort of internal alarm. There is no escape!
Mod Mom Beyond IndieDom recently posted..Cocktail Tom
My kid (2y.o) calls me “Lissa,” instead of Mom. So i think everyone thinks I’m my husbands girlfriend or the stepmom. Def too old to be the hot nanny.
http://www.giltmom.com/deceitful-mom
giltmom recently posted..Deceitful Mommy?
hilarious–the book had it right. I accidentally smelled someone else’s kids’ bum this last weekend, and although they were a little shocked they couldn’t help but admit I had a point. Something stunk. And it was their kid. Anyway, sometimes I like putting down the windows and cranking up the music and pretending I am still sexy, and cool, but then I remember that I’m driving a van with three carseats in it. Usually shoots me down somewhat.
humanmama recently posted..birthday
My hair is also an undecided mess between curly and wavy!!
PS: Thank you for introducing me to Ouidad. I don’t have a salon anywhere around here so I’m just experimenting but I’m getting some great results!
Ouidad changed my life. Not hyperbole.
Christine @ Quasi Agitato recently posted..Double Digits
Oh, yes, I’ve tried to be cool in the presence of 20-somethings, and whenever you start talking about the gross and/or stressful things that come along with being a mom(why won’t they sleep? why does this room smell like a urinal? why doesn’t Victoria’s Secret carry all cotton underpants that cover up my c-section scar yet don’t look like a sailboat sail?), I feel less like CArrie Bradshaw and more like Tina Fey in the Mom Jeans commercial.
Erin@MommyontheSpot recently posted..What Do You Think Thursdays with Skinny Scoop: Road Trip Advice
Obviously, you’re screwed for life. Or maybe just the next 10 years–unless you start wearing long, flowing robes and gigantic, chunky jewelry, at which point you’ll be identified as a post-menopausal-mom. Good luck, friend–I’m right there with you.
Tanja Pajevic recently posted..What’s Eating Your Child (or Your Spouse)?
I wrote such a similar post not long ago about grocery shopping all by myself and pretending for two seconds that I was young and single and then I had to buy diapers and wipes and juice boxes and my cover was blown.
Jessica recently posted..Right where I am: 4 years 7 months 19 days
I think they say “happy mother’s day” to everyone. Because if you aren’t one, you HAVE one.
I have, rarely, met someone new – not through my children – and watched for signs of astonishment when I told them I had kids. None registered. I figure they must be good poker players.
Also, why are sound guys always hot?
Christine @ Quasi Agitato recently posted..Double Digits
I so rarely get out of the house sans kidlets. Last summer I was strutting around Eddie Bauer buying some mommy t-shirts and waiting for my new Lenscrafters glasses. I felt strange w/o the kids and couldn’t stop mentioning them.
Kerrie McLoughlin recently posted..Overland Park Homeschoolers (Day 25)
bwahaha funny how anyone treating me like a non-mom has a better high than any pick-up line ever did
SoberJulie recently posted..Life Change Is All About That First Step
I think the bags under my eyes are a dead give away for me!
Mod Mom Beyond IndieDom recently posted..All Hail Goddess Caffeina
AAAHHHH HAHAHA!! This was SO funny. Wow can I ever relate. This reminds me of the awkward conversations that I have with my gynecoloist at our annual “dates” lol
Holly from 300 Pounds Down recently posted..Secrets
So true! I have no full-lenth mirror in my home and left for work the other day in ironed clothes…thinking I was looking pretty snazzy (that word alone is dead giveaway.) When I went to the bathroom at work (which does have full-length mirror) I saw that my clothes were baggy on the bottom, too tight on top, and screaming “frumpy midwestern mom who doesn’t have the time or energy to take care of herself.”
loved this! reminded me of when i asked my sis if i had pooped during delivery w/ jack. she said, well….not really, it was just about the size of a chihauhau (sp?). i seriously thought i’d pooped a dog-sized pile . eeek!
rock on, mom! i’m sure the sound tech loved you!
anna see recently posted..The Best Things in Life…
OMG!!! you always make me laugh, your post are so real and funny at the same time.
Shirley@motivatedmommyoftwo recently posted..{Tutorial} How to Organize Link Parties Buttons
I’ve tried to do the same test from time to time, and it usually ends with me showing pictures of the little progeny on my phone. Well moms out there, I guess we just are what we are.
Thanks for such a funny post!
kisha recently posted..Sandbox Season Starts!
Girl you made me chuckle.
Emily Woodhouse recently posted..How To Lose Weight Boxing
OH GOD! I try to do this as well. Of course with teenagers usually my defiant single life moment is interupted by phone calls from them wanting me to jump through the next flaiming hoop.
It doesn’t help that one of them changed my ring tone for their phone number to scream… “MOOOMMMM Mommy, mother, madre,” you know when Stewie from Family Guy is trying to get Lois’ attention and keeps saying mom in the most annoying ways? That was the ring tone she gave herself.
I’m a loser! I think that is my theme song!
Sweety Darlin recently posted..50 Shades of WHAT COLOR?!?!?
You had an incredible idea! And it was a crazy one. What’s the title of your latest book? Anyway, thank you very much for sharing this to everyone.
-Sydney
Sydney recently posted..http://www.seductionfaq.com/blog/female-psychology/
don’t feel bad. i have macaroni in my jewlry box…..and my wedding ring spends a lot of time on the kitchen windowsill. ( i cook a lot)……..i have macaroni and misspelled love notes from the kids in my jewelry box. i guess it just depends on what you treasure.
and “the little one” just turned 18.
When I go out, I try to look MORE like a Mom. I replace anything heeled with flats, make sure I haven’t showered, wear my fat jeans and drink coffee from a sippy cup. I simply don’t have time to be hit on by hot guys in fast cars with money to spoil on me. It’ll make me late picking up my kid from preschool. So far, it’s worked great.
Kim at notmymomsblog recently posted..The Pep Talk
We’re all doomed. But at least you got to experiment in NYC!
Amber recently posted..Yeah Write!
Probably shouldn’t have read this when I had to pee..
Kelly recently posted..Book Review: Between You and Me
This is utterly brilliant. I’m sure the mom-ponytail is my dead give away…or the seven month pregnant belly.
Katy McCaffrey recently posted..The Princess who Saved Herself
Proof that being a mom is such a monumental experience that it really does emblazon something on your soul. If you weren’t wearing a macaroni necklace, you’d find yourself somehow scolding other people’s children in the mall ;)
Michelle Ristuccia recently posted..Writing Marathon, Day 66
I went to a concert w/ a friend a couple of years ago, and we were right down front. The band was talking to us, and we thought, “Yeeah, we still got it.”
Then about midway through the set, the lead singer pointed to us and said – into the microphone – “It’s nice to see some rocker moms out tonight.”
Rocker moms. Like, rhymes with soccer moms. We were totally deflated.
When I Blink recently posted..Tantrum
Haha, I used to notice that I was never handed flyers to trendy club nights if I had my son with me but if I was alone/ with friends, the touts would actively cross the street to hand me one. Sadly, that was about five years ago and now they don’t bother regardless! Rx
http://sandersonsmithstory.blogspot.co.uk/
I love the post. It is really hard to pass the test.
Eva Haley recently posted..Get The Glowing Smile You Have Dreamed Of
This is very interesting post. It is really hard to pass the test. In fact, as a mother I also want to feel and let everyone know that I am still beautiful and sexy even if I am already a mom. I still have the body and looks that can make my husband stay on me. LOL..
Vanessa Moore recently posted..Eliminate That Yellow Grin And Get A Bright White Smile
I’ve said that least 588833 times. SCK was here
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