Jill Smokler, AKA Scary Mommy
@scarymommy
Latest posts by Jill Smokler, AKA Scary Mommy (see all)
- The Disney Reveal - May 14, 2013
- Met My Match At Disney… - May 13, 2013
- Sunday’s Baltimore Sun - May 11, 2013
Rebekah lives in Massachusetts with her husband and four boys. You can read more of her musings at The Virtual Wife.
I have a friend, who as a teacher, had the summer off with her kids. At the beginning of the summer she posted, on Facebook, a picture of her kids on the beach and labeled it, “Day 1 @ Salisbury Beach!” in her photo album titled “69 Days of Summer 2010.” As the summer progressed she posted pictures of fun activities such as Water Country (twice), bowling, Chuck E. Cheese, parades, snow cones, fireworks on a boat, Storyland, and well, you get the picture. All the while, I was doing my best just to get through the hot summer days without major incidents. This isn’t the first time that a friend’s post on Facebook has made me feel less than adequate. Much like I used to feel when I was growing up and I would read Cosmopolitan with all those perfect girls who had great hair, gorgeous skin and skinny legs, I was feeling imperfect all over again. Except now it was bigger and worse somehow. When it was just me, the only one I had let down by not being skinny was myself. But now, I had a whole family to let down. Not to mention what all the other moms would think if they knew that I wasn’t as perfect as they were. There were pictures of fun family vacations, while mine turned out to be a disaster. Of course I would still try to get one or two “perfect” pictures to post on my own page so everyone could see just how great my family was too. But still I didn’t get it.
Then, one day, I told my teacher friend how great of a mom she was and terrible I was to not have done such great things with my kids. She laughed out loud and said that they were only a handful of days and all the other crap that happened over the summer didn’t make her profile. And so I laughed too. What I slowly started realizing is that most people try to paint the rosy picture of their lives that they show you on Facebook. No one wants you to know that their life is crap 90 percent of the time. Every now and then you will see a post of a mom complaining that she is serious need of a glass of wine. But you will almost never see one that talks about the terrible fight she had with her husband last night and how she almost threw him out. Instead, you will see her post her wedding picture and thank the most wonderful man in the world for ten years of wedded bliss.
I am pretty sure I am not the only mom out there who has faced Facebook depression. The problem with this type of social site is, although it is public (for the most part), most people treat it as a private little scrapbook. People talk about how great their girls’ night out was, while others see that and realize they weren’t invited. It’s worse than high school when you only knew about the snubs and ‘perfect’ people for a couple hours a day. Now, 24 hours a day, you can log on and feel inferior.
And then there is the creepy, Facebook stalker syndrome. Okay, I know you have been there. This is where someone (maybe you) feels like they know you simply because they are a friend of your friend. I have seen it happen personally when with a friend at the mall, I ran into another friend and introduced the two only to have one of them make a comment about how she knows who she is because she sees her picture all the time on Facebook. Another time a friend of mine made an update that she was headed to the Post Office to get her passport. I happened to be there the same day and crazy enough, I knew exactly why she was there when I ran into her. I know when people are hung over, when they are on vacation and when their kids win a basketball game.
Now don’t get me wrong, I love Facebook and Twitter and all that stuff. I am definitely addicted. I have it on my iPhone and uploads pictures of nothing to share every chance I get. They have helped me stay in touch with friends and cousins that I might otherwise have lost touch with long ago. Sometimes life is so busy that I don’t talk to my local friends for days, but I still know what they are up to. I wouldn’t give it up, but maybe I need to read it with more of a disclaimer in my head like, “The events depicted in this site are fictitious. Any similarity to any person living or dead is merely coincidental.” Then I will realize that Facebook is like looking at a snapshot, a frozen moment in time that doesn’t usually tell the whole story. It’s a guilty pleasure much like magazines at the grocery store checkout.
{ 54 comments… read them below or add one }
omg read my latest post. i am quitting FB tomorrow morning and it feels great.
http://www.artemiscloverstory.com/2010/09/im-quitting-facebook.html
The real L.A. love story. recently posted..The Making of King Ch 7
The thing is, when people like me, who do put it all out there and try not to put on the facade that life is perfect, are then called the “Eeyores.” Because we do post the bad stuff along with the good. I have been called an eeyore a few times because I do post bad stuff and I do not try to paint this facade that my life is just peachy 24/7.
I wish there were more “real” moms out there that are not afraid to lay it all out there. It makes life seem more…..real.
Missy recently posted..Tuesday Tidbits
We are scarily in-sync (and not in a boy band way) and while I am not about to quit The Facebook (or MyFace as my wonderful never does a thing wrong husband calls it) I totally hear you.
I also get sad that everyone else from high school is off getting PhD’s from Harvard while all I have is a baby and an (upside down) mortgage!
Yuliya recently posted..Not Pictured
HAH! I started blogging just so I could blog about my fight with my husband and complain about my germaphobe inlaws. Of course it’s evolved into so much more than that and now I feel petty when I complain about the germaphobes but still it’s so important to keep it real. I know another blogger friend who shared how hurtful it sometimes was to read all our upbeat blogs when she’s having serious problems in her marriage. I think we need to be real with each other so we don’t feel so alone.
BTW Facebook stalkers.. it’s seriously creepy. Like I really needed that old boyfriend to look me up and remind me (20 years later) of how I broke his heart and he remembers EVERYTHING and thanked me for being such a wonderful teacher. Oh yeah.. I think I remember why we broke up.
zeemaid recently posted..The Magnificent 12- The Call – Giveaway
The neighbor´s grass is always greener until you find out it is artificial.
arlete soffiatti recently posted..Lock de amor
This was awesome. And SO true. I wrote a post a couple weeks ago all about why FB totally sucks. It’s more of a pain in the ass than anything else…yet I still can’t bring myself to get rid of it!!
The Mommyologist recently posted..10 Reasons Why Blogging Is The Best Job Ever
Great post! It’s so true. The most enjoyable are the people who actually do put the bad stuff on facebook looking for attention, like a girl I knew in high school who is always bashing her child’s father though facebook statuses. I am definitely guilty of the stalking, but I try not to be so obvious of it if I meet the person I’ve stalked.
I took a week off facebook not long ago. It’s nice to get away from it for awhile. but it was just reminder of how it becomes a big part of life.
Venassa recently posted..Farewell
Wow. Could not agree more. This is a fabulous (and fabulously written) post. It pretty much nails every peeve I have about FB.
@Missy, I know what you mean about feeling like an Eeyore. I tend to keep the “real” stuff off my FB page, but it’s why I started blogging, and I definitely get the feeling it makes some people IRL very uncomfortable.
Maybe I will try to keep some of the more real stuff off my Facebook and contain it to my blog.
Although, sometimes it is good to make people feel uncomfortable because that is when growth happens.
Missy recently posted..Tuesday Tidbits
This is why I try to post things about how my life sucks as well as how good it is.
Just keeping it real.
Great post.
Jen recently posted..I Guess- I will Just Have to be the Mean Mom
How incredibly true!! On the other side of that I try to complain just as much as painting that rosy picture of a perfect life! Because anybody who see’s me on a regular basis knows that my life is so far from perfect that it doesn’t even know that the word exists!
It’s so true. They aren’t gong to post pictures about spending the day in their pjs are not brushing their teeth until 5pm (others do this, right?)
I have felt the same kind of jealousy and weirdness. If I ask someone to hang out and they have ‘plans’ and then I see that another friend has the same ‘plans.’ Of course, this is fine, but having the reminders doesn’t always feel good.
FB has dropped to my least favorite social media site. I’m trying to use it sparingly…
LZ recently posted..I’ve become a clown though I can’t juggle
I feel that way too sometimes.
But I get more hurt by someone who is very friendly in real life and gives no indication of anything otherwise, but won’t accept a friend request on facebook. It reminds me that I need to put on my big girl panties and not pay attention to “facebook politics.” (Whatever that is.) Because whatever else it may be, facebook is not real life.
I try to post some of the “bad” stuff along with the good, but my real criteria is: is it funny?
I
I have a cousin who has a son 4 months younger than my twins. If I post a question asking my FB friends if they have any info on speech delays, she has a status update on how her 9 month old is talking in complete sentences. When I had a status about our trip to pick out potty chairs, she had an update about her son running to the potty 5 times that day. THAT drives me crazy.so now I block her.
We all need that disclaimer. And people shouldn’t post about where they’re going – that’s how houses get robbed.
S Club Mama recently posted..Cars Tot Book
OMG! That is why I do not like Foursquare and refuse to use it. I don’t usually tell people when I am away unless I have a house sitter just because I don’t want a big red flag saying, “Please rob me. I am gone!!!” Ok, so maybe I am just slightly paranoid especially since I am not even under my own name on FB which is nice because it makes it really hard to Google me:)
hmm… I forgot that that I was hanging out down there out of sight. Darn, self editing isn’t always a bad thing.
Brook @ To Be Dancing recently posted..Honey
Oh, I totally get a serious case of the little green monster’s due to facebook sometimes. But then I remind myself that all those people making six figures, vacationing in Aruba and smiling perfectly in pictures have to change poopy diapers and wipe snotty noses too.
It doesn’t really help, but I pretend it does.
amber recently posted..How I Really Got This Fat Lip
I’m like Jen. I try to keep it real, but that’s just my personality. I mean why go through a load of shit if you can’t laugh about it later. But I do have a friend that is just like you and reads everyone’s posts and gets, not upset really, but perturbed that everyone’s life is soooo great. I read that stuff and wonder why all of these people are fakin’. No ones life is a bed of roses.
Jennifer recently posted..The weekend
I think everyone gets that facebook envy, but I know for myself I only post the fun things, and the good pictures! isn’t that the joys of facebook? But like you I get jealous sometimes..I see people traveling here and traveling there and wonder what I did wrong…then I remind myself how happy I am with my life and move on. You said it right when you said people paint a picture of what they want others to see….I guess it’s good and bad!
I was just talking with a friend about this phenomenon yesterday. I guess when it comes to FB, it’s all about who will be seeing your info. My MIL friended me on FB (that day sucked) and now I have to be more reserved in what I write lest she think my world is tumbling down around me. She is dramatic and over reactive so that rains on my parade a little. I guess the crappy part of life isn’t as fun to share and I know if I posted that the hubbs and I got in a huge fight, he’d be pissed that it was aired for the world to see. Take comfort in knowing that we all have craptastic days where we feel guilty for yelling at the kids and feeing them Kraft EZ Mac for lunch, even if we don’t run to post it on FB!
Kameron recently posted..Letters of Intent
I changed my privacy settings so that updates only show up for some people and I put those who don’t-need-to-know on a list that doesn’t get the FB updates.
nonstick recently posted..Mission Impossible – Getting into 1st Grade
HAHA!
Yeah…especially all those FB games…SIGH.
I totally get ya on that.
What does one do though?
What do we do?
SIGH.
I’m at a loss. lol.
Cluttered Brain recently posted..Saturday and a call for WINNERS!
Definitely keep the disclaimer in your head! I feel the same way sometimes, yet I am a prime example of someone who posts the pictures that make my world look rosy and full of fun events, when in fact the entire event was a fiasco and I couldn’t wait for it to be over. Why? Who knows. I guess it really is the “Keeping up with the Joneses” syndrome. And better yet? I only post pictures of me that are highly flattering. No double chins, no goofy looks on my face, no muffin tops showing… you get the idea. :-) I look at facebook as a superficial glance at someone’s life… without seeing all the behind the scene realities.
Ally recently posted..Exsqueeze Me
ok So I need to play devil’s advocate here just a little. As much as I agree with a lot of things in this blog, I disagree with a lot as well. Sometimes you just can’t win, if your too real your “airing your dirty laundry” or “negative” and if you just write the good stuff your fake. I for one do not think FB is the forum to share everything about ones life. Its a place to catch up, see whats going on in each others lives, at least that’s what I use FB for. Do i think there are people who take it a little to seriously? YES, I “hide” those people, hell some people probably “hide” me with my non stop fitness and workout updates. If your married and/ or a mom, you know with out a doubt that life isn’t perfect for ANYONE. I choose to share my crap times and bad kick my husband out of the house, ship my kids off to a foster home days with my best girl friends and close family. Face book “friends” are different; they get to see what we choose.. I choose to keep it light, and check in on whats new in my “friends” lives.
With anything good there is always a negative side. FB has brought me in contact with so many people that I may not have had the chance to reconnect with, cousins who live in other states, friends I’ve lost touch with, and also people and their drama and petty BS..
sandi recently posted..47 days to go
I’m with you, Sandi. I usually keep my FB updates light and save the crap for my close friends and my therapist! I’m more bothered by the nonstop Debbie Downer status updates than the fabulous vacation photos, but that’s just me.
Liz @ Peace, Love & Guacamole recently posted..Walking billboards
Amen, sister! Amen. I laughed at almost every single thing you mentioned because I’ve SO been there! Examples:
I once posted about a party on FB and some random guy from my friends list showed up! WTF?
My husband’s ex definitely thinks she “knows” me because she used to stalk my MySpace page. (Anyone remember MySpace?) It’s pathetic.
A guy was hitting on my friend in a bar one night and she just looked at him with disgust and said, “Why are you acting like you don’t know me? You requested me on Facebook six months ago.” Bwaaahaha!
And I can’t even count how many hurt feelings I’ve seen due to people hanging out together without inviting others. Ridiculous.
Anyway, GREAT POST!
Lessons in Life and Light recently posted..My cat is an adorable pain in the ass
I am a little late to the party, but awesome post! Thank you! I was having a day of funk and looking through my facebook friends, which NEVER helps! It is like a self indulgent way of making me feel worse. I agree with everything you had to say in your post! I never really want to post the bad stuff, because I don’t want to focus on the negatives. It is a positive place to remind myself of the gifts I have in my life. Sometimes I find myself losing that perspective, because I don’t feel that I measure up. I really need to move to another venue – MAYBE PINTEREST!
I feel you, I really do. If I see one more photo album of a family trip across the world, I will puke. And then I will still be (I admit) really jealous.
And I wonder what those same people think of my status updates of contemplating about selling the kids on ebay, wishing they came with blow dart kits, and being stressed/busy/crazy enough to set the ramen on the stove on fire.
Then I think “fuck it, this is my life.” And even with all the crazy and stress, I love every moment of it. (And I hope they are jealous that I have the balls to post the truth.)
GothhicGoddess recently posted..My New Diet
Amen to this! I hate reading about other people’s lives and feeling like I severely lack in several areas.
While I am also guilty of putting only the best photos of myself and my family on my blog but I am very honest about everything else so I portray at least a fairly accurate idea of my crazy life!
Ameena recently posted..Priorities!
My facebook dilemma is that I am many different things to many people.
At work I am a respected supervisor.
To my “old school friends” I am a “homegirl” A “wild child” if you will.
To the PTA I am your average soccer mom
And then I have a group of friends who think I am kind, and a super mom
And then there is the small elite group who know that I curse…lots, and have a dark sarcastic humor that sometimes can come off as offensive.
I’m not being fake, for I am actually all of these people. Facebook makes it difficult to keep these personalities separate. For example if I curse it seriously offends my christian MIL and she has posted about cleaning up my language..YIKES.
And I do too try to take amazing photos that make it look like that free town carnival we went to compares greatly to a friends disney vacation. Come to think of it facebook is stressful, but I ain’t quitting yet.
Raquel recently posted..The Playas Down Below
I couldn’t agree more!
I am glad you wrote this post. It is very real. It is nice to see the real side of life, instead of some reflection bounced off of reality. I hope more people follow your example and just put it out there.
Tracy Sohl recently posted..WANTED- Guest Bloggers
Wonderful post! yes, I have a love-hate relationship with FB and it’s largely due in part to the FB depression you describe. I love keeping up with some old friends, but God, sometimes the tradeoffs aren’t worth it.
gigi recently posted..When The President Speaks- Should Children Listen
I’ve blocked one person on fb (a mothers group woman, no surprise) because her postings were only ever fake – I wasn’t jealous, just thought if she couldn’t communicate honestly I didn’t want her to play. Basically every posting was so fabulous with 6+ exclamations !!!!!!
I happily share the good, the bad (well kid and work whines, I think hubby stuff is sacred) the cute the funny.
I guess I am a good friend for FBers because I don’t really post pics from vacation and stuff. I might post a few now and then, but it is usually because I am tagged in them.
I don’t get a lot of stalkers anymore mostly because I am not even under my real name. It is nice because It gives me more control over who is on my FB. I do have to be somewhat careful what I do post though because my family and some networking contacts are on there. So I tend to be more on the Vanilla side of things. I keep thinking of starting another blog as a venting blog so I can say all the things that I can’t say on my blog now or on FB. :)
lesa recently posted..Something fun for Sunday!
I drew a line in the sand a long time ago and Facebook is on the other side of it. I think I’ll put some razorwire across it…
I blog instead. And even then I totally agree that it’s hard not to get caught up in watching what those people with the interesting lives are blogging about.
Awesome post! I hate Facebook shenanigans! There is this one couple that paint this awesome picture, but the reality is totally the opposite. It’s kind of sad.
Mommy on the Spot recently posted..Mental Snapshots – Feel Good Friday
I certainly don’t update my status with “the bad stuff” so yeah, it’s definitely a heavily edited medium that depicts a slice of our “real life”. It’s only as real as we want people to believe :)
Justine recently posted..Pumpkin spice and all things nice
100 times yes to this! Before the whole world was on Facebook I was probably more honest about my status. Now? With my MIL, SIL, and their whole family on Facebook I only represent what I want them to see, which is life is freaking fantastic.
My SIL got the snub and promptly deleted her account. She says she will be back but not for a while. I don’t blame her.
Melisa recently posted..Fashionable Friday- Its All About The Hair
omg it’s like a parallel universe – why would i accept “friend requests” with 55 people from high school who i didn’t even speak to? seriously – i was way nicer in 1999 when i was cuter/smaller/younger/carefree… if i didn’t want to be your friend then, it surely will not be happening now.
okay, so i do accept them… i don’t want everyone to post about what a bitch i turned out to be.
beckie recently posted..Unexpected Reassurance
Bahaha.
Not kidding, I went off fakebook for the month of September.
My reasons why, I spent WAY to much time checking things out…messaging with people that really didn’t need to know why my kid was covered in a rash. or that we had had a hard night.
It kind of feels refreshing not keeping up with the Joneses.
Yep, FB sucks…and I rarely get on there. But at least most of the people on FB are people I actually know or did know in the past.
Now Twitter, on the other hand, I can’t stay away from! And I “talk” to people all day long whom I’ve never met and probably will never meet. I “talk” to those people more than I talk to my real life friends. Weird…
Natalie recently posted..The Doggy-Baby Door
@ Liz, thanks! And I had no idea people were bothered by vaca photos. I’m a photographer and love sharing my pics and seeing everyone elses as well.. Never makes me feel inferior, but that’s just me.. I guess it bothers people that much, get off face book and go for a run lol (sorry I subscribe to exercise can cure everything!) ok gotta go post a 1st soccer practice pic on FB. (ok ok just kidding)
Me too! I la-huv to look at people’s photos.
I do get jealous of the girls nights out posts but that is because I work overnights and never am available to hang out on Friday or Saturdays. What a drag. But not mean jealous, just wistful. (sigh)
Any way, keep posting away those pics. I live thru them.
I just wish those gals would all be upfront about having a maid. I keep wondering how they do it and then discover, ( A LOT) of my friends, stay at home moms even, have hired help! Well no wonder they manage to get it done. Helps me put it into perspective. I no longer care that my home is a disaster area, I am on 4 hours of sleep a night. With a maid/house keeper, my home might be presentable too. :-)
Well here is what I just posted on FB “I’m sick, I feel like crap and I am going back to bed. And my kids can have cereal for dinner. How do ya like me now?” I feel so liberated! Great blog!
Oh, I feel your pain. I took a month’s break from FB after seeing my ex-husband’s flirty bantering with an old hs friend of mine. I didn’t even know they knew one another, but ewwwwwwww. I got that image out of my head, unfriended her, and went on my merry way!
Amen sister!
B recently posted..Back to School Blues
FANTASTIC!
You can friend me if you want. I think I keep it real: the mice infestation that’s driving me insane, the burnt meatloaf, obnoxious kids.
I have the fun, happy posts too, though.
The shit balances the good.
I was just telling my husband tonight how I prefer FB to Twitter because I feel like the conversations I have on FB are more honest.
Just my two cents.
Dana recently posted..A paycheck
Facebook IS high school. Only we have more money now. It boggles my mind some days. Don’t get me wrong though, I’m addicted.
I did notice though, at my 10 year reunion no one really had anything to talk about since we’re all on FB and we all know what everyone else is doing. Sort of makes the reunion thing obsolete.
Sandra recently posted..It’s OK to grieve
I feel the same that reunions are pointless now. I already know about the folks I care to know. (and I can anonymously check out the ones I’m not ready to talk too. Creepy? Maybe.)
So true! If I took all my friends lives at face value of what they post of facebook, I would swear that only about 10 of them work. Who has time for all that stuff. And when you do have time, why do you have to be doing, rather than just hanging out and getting to know each other. It seems that facebook has become a “my life is better than your contest”. People, it is not a competition, get over yourselves.
Michelle Saunderson recently posted..No Trophy For You- Calling for the Demise of Participation Trophies
I don’t know, I just don’t feel like that too much when I’m on facebook. Sure, I have envious moments like everyone does, (I’m human!) but for the most part I feel pretty comfortable about myself and my family, so I’m really there to catch up with friends and family and not compare myself to everyone there. I think everyone has friends that post only the most perfect pieces of their lives and the most poised pics, but generally I take it with a grain of salt because I know that they are human too. The majority of my friends keep it real (and usually funny, too!)