The Right Choice

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The Right Choice

“Name twenty things you love about me,” my younger daughter requested just as I was shutting the door to her bedroom.

Because I immediately thought about the dirty dishes in the sink, the work I had yet to do before I could go to bed, and the ache in my back, I almost said, “Not tonight.”

But I didn’t.

Instead I slowly made my way back to her bed and rattled off things like, “I love your smile … I love the way you sing … I love how you help your friends … I love the way you make me laugh … I love the way you take your time … I love your strong hugs …”

I made it to twenty quite quickly, and I watched the smile on her face get a little bigger with each one.

“Thank you, Mama. I love how you love me,” she offered back as she rolled over preparing to sleep.

It took less than one minute, this little request of hers—but there is a good chance she will remember this list, this very important list.

I don’t always get it right. I don’t.

But over the past three and a half years on this Hands Free journey, my eyes have been opened. I can now see clearly that my days are made up of a million little choices—choices to grasp what really matters or let them slip through my multi-tasking little fingers.

That night I got it right.

I chose the girl who still stands on her tiptoes to reach the sink.

I chose the girl who still likes me to read her bedtime stories and hold her hand in the parking lot.

I chose the girl who sings made-up while offering me dandelion bouquets.

I chose the girl that has wiggly teeth and a contagious laugh.

With the kitchen in disarray and deadlines looming, I chose my child. Because I still can. Today my child stands before me wanting, needing, and hoping to be chosen. Tomorrow might be different.

Choice.

Whether I grasped what really mattered or let it slip through my fingers came down to one choice—a choice took less than sixty seconds, but yet the memory may very well last a lifetime.  

This powerful fact has been giving me a lot of hope lately.

Because honestly, things have been really different around here.

With the incredible response of my new book, there have been increased expectations and demands; there have been media interviews, book signings, travels … more readers, more emails, more opportunities, and more writing duties.

And honestly, it’s felt overwhelming at times. It’s felt scary at times. It’s felt very unlike the way I want to live my life at times.

And then I have the “name 20 things you love about me” experience, and I remember. It’s what I’ve been telling my readers for years—those who write to me and explain the painful circumstances of their lives:

I am going through a divorce …

I only see my children on weekends …

I lost my house and now we live in a shelter …

I am now working three jobs …

I am going through a tough time financially and emotionally …

I am not in a good place right now …

They all want to believe that despite their current life circumstances, they can still live Hands Free and grasp the moments that matter.

What I always tell them (and what I wholeheartedly believe) is that it is not about how muchtime you have with your loved ones—it’s about maximizing the time that you do have by choosing to be fully present in those moments of togetherness.

Choice.

It can mean the difference between grasping what matters and letting it slip through your fingers.

But since I am a storyteller, I want to offer one last story that illustrates this notion far better than mere words …

It was the Wednesday after book release week. That is day of the week that The New York Bestseller List is announced to publishers based on a variety of factors from the previous week. Although I knew making this highly coveted list as a first-time author was highly unlikely, I couldn’t deny the flutter of hope that danced in the pit of my stomach all day.

By three o’clock I still hadn’t gotten the call, and it was time to pick up my daughters from school. Out of habit, I did what I typically do since starting my journey: I silenced all notifications on my phone to protect my family time.

My older daughter had plans with a friend and her family, so my younger daughter and I enjoyed an outing by ourselves. For three blissful hours, we went to the park, grabbed some dinner, and finally, we were getting her a dress for my first book signing.

While standing in the checkout line, I rummaged around in my bag to see what time it was on my phone. Much to my surprise, there were six text messages and four missed calls. The three letters that jumped out were NYT. I wanted to read the entire text, but instead I put the phone back in my purse. With a trembling voice, I told my daughter we must go outside and find a quiet place away from people.

My daughter could see the tears in my eyes. “What it is Mama?” she asked with concern.

Not wanting her to be scared I reassured her. “ It’s good news—it’s so, so good. But I want to read it together.”

Soon Avery and I stood huddled together on the sidewalk in front of the store. As a chilly night wind blew the hair back from our faces, I read the message from my marketing director out loud. “Congratulations, Rachel! You made the NYT Bestseller List!”

I bowed my head and cried.

“Mama, your book is one of the best books! Out of like … one-thousand books … your book is one that people really like to read!” My child’s precious interpretation of the exciting news made the moment even sweeter.

Unexpectedly, I picked up my seven-year-old girl just like I did when she was a toddler. I swirled her while reciting a prayer of gratitude. The blissful look on her face indicated she would remember this moment her whole entire life.

And that’s when it hit me. I was smack dab in the middle of creating a sacred memory that would be filed away in Avery’s mind for perhaps seventy-five years.

Choice.

Whether I grasped what really mattered or let it slip through my fingers came down to one choice.

The conscientious, Type-A part of me thought about calling back the members of my publishing team or at least calling my husband, my parents, or my sister to share the news.

But I didn’t.

Instead, I offered my hand to my daughter and we chatted throughout the drive home.

I chose the girl who still gives me love notes.

I chose the girl who still finds comfort in her mother’s kisses when she falls and hurts herself.

I chose the girl who says, “This dinner tast-es so good,” even when it’s simple chicken and broccoli spears.

I chose the girl who types stories on the computer and says, “I’m a writer too, Mama.”

With a full voicemail inbox and a desire to share my news with the world, I chose my child … because she was there waiting, wanting, delighting in being chosen. And tomorrow might be different.

Choice.

Whether I grasped what really mattered or let it slip through my fingers came down to one choice.

A few hours later, I finally called my literary agent. She said, “We were worried! No one could get a hold of you.”

“I was with Avery. Being Hands Free,” I explained nearly crying as the words left my lips.

I don’t always get it right. I don’t.

And sometimes life circumstances make it even harder.

But that night I made the right choice.

And that gives me hope.

Comments

  1. 1

    Kris says

    Wow. As a mom of 2 under 4…I so get this. I SHOULD get this I mean. I’m the one who more often than not makes the “wrong” choice. I own a business that I run solo. I find myself saying “not now baby, mama’s working” more often than I’d like. I have a 3 and a half year old who acts out from time to time because there are days her mother doesn’t look her in the eye when speaking to her, for nearly half the day. I have a 6 month old baby who lights up when I enter a room, which is usually to pass to another room to do something/make something/fax something. I feel like he’s growing faster than his big sister..only because I’m missing more of it. I’m on my tablet/smartphone/computer more than I’m “in” any moment. And for what? So I can fulfill a dream and grow a business and make a living. But I fear I’ll “get there” and not know how I got there, and have missed ALL THE GOOD THINGS that staying home with my two little children is about.
    This article…spoke to me. I’m done having babies, but I’m far from done being a mother. I’m just beginning and this article is an EXCELLENT reminder to keep that thought in the forefront of my mind. Thank you…

    • 2

      Martha says

      Nice to hear from another mom in the same self-home-employed situation. As I type this, I have my 11 month old asleep on my lap. It’s a continuous see-saw, repurposing the same space as together space and work space, and back again. At this point most of my clients have heard my little
      guy in background during one call or another. When it gets bad, I schedule “off site lunches” so we can go out without any distractions!

  2. 3

    Kelly says

    Beautiful. I messed up tonight…Valentine box project with my younger daughter. I got crabby. But kids are so forgiving. When I make the wrong choice, I am thankful there is still the opportunity to say I’m sorry and make it right. Each time I become more aware of the moment I am in, and will not allow guilt to destroy this time with my children. The years are precious!!

  3. 4

    Lisa says

    That’s beautiful. To be conscious of a moment that you know will shape your child’s psyche – in a good way – is one of life’s most blessed moments.

  4. 5

    Velma says

    As I read this article in bed on my tablet I started to cry. I so often feel like life is passing me buy and I am missing it. I work a lot and so does my husband. My biggest struggle is being present in the moment. I am often distracted by work and if I am not working there is a list piling up in my head for all the things I should be getting done. I love my children. My 7 year old is so bright, smart, beautiful and kind. She is very sensitive and I know I hurt her feelings a lot when I dismiss her fast when she needs something and I am working. Later I am angry at myself and tell myself it’s ok I will get it right next time, I will make it up but next time comes around and I do the same thing. She deserves so much more than that. My 4.5 year old is my little energizer bunny. She is on the move a lot, she is loud, smart, beautiful and most of all fearless but she loves to cuddle too. I once asked her if there was something that she wishes I would do more of. She just said she wants to play with me. She usually plays with her sister or their grandma who is their nanny. So I started a new program where I spent 20 min a day playing My Little Pony with her or anything else she wants. But somehow it lasted for a week and I got consumed again with other things and left her to play with her sister. How sad. There are days when all I want is to leave the city and live in the small town where in my mind I feel like I can do better for my children but then I get scared and think what if I get worse and unhappy because I am not working and reaching my full potential. When my client tells me she stays home and runs the household and takes care of the kids I feel jealous and want that for me. I want balance so bad and I want everyone to get what they need but I can’t do it all. Life is expensive and I want my children to not worry about money like my husband and I do. I want them to be responsible financially and not scared. I want a magic wand that I can stop everything except that moment with them and my husband. This article is beautiful and it tells me to try harder and keep trying. Giving up is not an option.

    • 6

      Erin says

      I hear you…I’m right there with you. We do the best we can. Some days we need to try harder. Our kids will know that they are loved.

  5. 7

    jennifer lopez says

    I so love what you wrote and said in this quote “What I always tell them (and what I wholeheartedly believe) is that it is not about how muchtime you have with your loved ones—it’s about maximizing the time that you do have by choosing to be fully present in those moments of togetherness.” I really get what you are saying and I think it’s an excellent idea to be hands free for a few hrs a day to focus on your family. I try to do that now but I will focus on putting the phone away and my kids too on the IPAD i will pull it away from them.

  6. 8

    says

    Wow! This challenged and inspired me as a mom. I am a pastor’s wife, a mom of three, ages 9 and under, and an attorney. And I so relate to the “gut reaction” you had to your daughter’s request at bedtime. It can be so hard to give them what they need sometimes. Especially at the end of the day when I’m ready for mommy duty to end for a few hours. But looking at it from this perspective of “memory making” puts a new spin on it for me. I’m going to try to do better making the right choice all the way around. And I’m going to think about how my choices impact the memories we will (or won’t) have. Thanks for blessing me today! Still fighting back the tears!

  7. 9

    Lucky Mommy says

    Thank you for this. And thank you for saying it in such a genuine way, without a hint of self-righteousness. I know those moments so, so well. I have 5 kids — all still fairly little — and am trying hard to carve out a career for myself to boost our family income. I am very tired by the end of the day, and at least one kid will do this kind of thing at bedtime. Sometimes I indulge it, but many times I don’t, walking away with both guilt and relief. Thank you for giving me a lot to think about this morning.

  8. 10

    Harriet says

    I cannot express how much your story has affected me at this time in my life. All I can wish is that I would’ve had it ten years ago. Thank you :)

  9. 11

    dontblamethekids says

    Best thing I’ve read all year. (I know it’s only February, but still.) I think tonight I will expand our technology-free dinner to technology-free evening. No looking at my cell phone; just my kids.

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