Jill Smokler, AKA Scary Mommy
@scarymommy
Latest posts by Jill Smokler, AKA Scary Mommy (see all)
- The Disney Reveal - May 14, 2013
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Linda Grant is a social media and marketing professional by day and by night, blogs at nycsinglemom.com where she writes about raising her adoptive tween daughter in New York City and trying not to be run over by the craziness that defines the city.
I have chosen to live in New York City not only for it’s diversity but mainly because there are so many adopted kids. I adopted my daughter when she was just 11 days old so any issues she may have are all on me. As my daughter entered second grade, I thought it was an opportune time to sign her up for an adopted kids workshop. Let’s face it, I hardly think she and her fellow adopted classmates are likely to be “talking about being adopted” at recess. This workshop would provide her with a safe environment to chat with an experienced social worker and other adopted kids about feelings they may be experiencing.
During the conversation with Mary, the social worker, she told me that it was recommended that I have a discussion with my daughter about the birds and bees, okay, she was more professional and said “sex.”
“Really, she is only 7 going on 8, isn’t it a little early, is it really necessary?” I asked uncomfortably. I could deal with almost any topic even raising a child on my own, why I didn’t find “Mr. Right” all seemed like a cake walk but “the sex talk”, I rather poke my eyes out.
“Yes, I recommend you have the conversation before the class.” Mary said firmly.
“Why???” I asked.
“Adoptive parents seemed to be focused on the birth mother and forget there is also a birth father. At some point, children realize it takes two people to make a baby but not sure how it works. Also, because she will be in a group with kids who are older (the group was made up of both second and third graders) as well as kids with siblings, the topic of sex may come up and you don’t want to her to hear it first in that type of setting.” Mary explained.
So I off I went to the bookstore with the social worker’s recommended titles. I asked the salesclerk where the books about “sex” were. A twenty-something girl guided me to the section and happily told me that she thought the books with cartoons would appeal to a child.
I picked up a couple of books and promptly put them back. Looking at the books, I was somewhat appalled at the “cartoon” people who looked distorted and freakish. Maybe it’s me but a cartoon penis and breasts seemed so unsophisticated like cartoons you would see in a men’s magazine rather than the sophisticated stylings of The New Yorker. On second thought, the New Yorker cartoons are not very attractive either, so scratch that.
That was my signal to leave the bookstore with no visual aids for my “sex” discussion. With only days to go before the support group session and just could not find the “right” time to broach the topic.
On the day of our workshop, I waited for the social worker to scold me for not having done I was told but as I sat there listening while the other parents detailed their adoption stories, everyone admitted that they just could not have the “sex” talk with their child. Yes, they could talk their children about their birth parents and adoption but sex, yikes!
The social worker started to laugh and said “that’s okay, rarely do parents have the discussion but it’s at least a start you are now thinking about the topic so you can have the talk.”
I walked away with from the workshop feeling not alone in my fear of having the conversation. That said, it’s been weeks since the workshop and yet, I have yet to find the right time. Let’s hope I do soon.
{ 19 comments… read them below or add one }
My children are only 2 and 14 weeks, so I feel like I have a little time before I have to start fretting over this.
But I can tell you two things. First, my kids have a plethora of older cousins and several aunts and uncles that are not much older… So I know I need to get to it before they do. Second, the thought paralyzes me with fear.
So, good luck to you when you get to it. I can’t imagine any parents relishes the idea. Adoptive or otherwise. ;)
MamaBug recently posted..Supposed to be Fine
I waited until my kids asked a question. I told myself no matter what, I would answer it simply and with absolute honesty. My daughter came home from daycare one day at FIVE years old and said, “mama, Riley told me that the man puts his penis in the woman’s vagina to have babies. Is that true?”
Horrified I said, “NO!!”
Oops.
I sat her down after that, and told her the truth, very clinical, simple and without the part about sex feeling good (not yet man.) Just that this is one way to have a baby grow inside of a woman. She stared at me for a second and said, “you and daddy did THAT?”
Then she went around to every couple she knew that had kids, “Bob and Cathy did THAT?”
It was awful and hilarious. But it was the truth.
Mom Off Meth recently posted..If you haven’t got anything to say.
Mine are just two and three, but I’m dreading this conversation oh so very much!
Tinne from Tantrums and Tomatoes recently posted..It is out there, out to get you…
I think we all dread it to a degree but it tends to get easier. Maybe start out with body changes, not just straight into sex? I think that would help. I had a conversation with my 11 and 9 yr old girls last week and it was amazing. Some things I didn’t want to be too descriptive about (and please please don’t let them ask if daddy and I still “do that”) but there’s something about informing them accurately and having open communication that is so thrilling. Sure, our conversation ended when my husband walked in as the 9 yr old was saying semen, but you can’t win ‘em all.
Arnebya recently posted..Vulvular Vexation
For some conversations, there never seems to be a right time. Wrong times, absolutely. But right times? None.
June O’Hara recently posted..In Crisis: The Yard Sale
My sister is a social worker with foster and adopted children. I don’t know of an official statistic, but it seems that teen pregnancy rates might be higher in adopted children. My adopted cousins all had babies before they were married even though they came from good homes. They said they really wanted to know what it was like to have someone that looked like them….yikes. My point is that the sex talk is important at some point, but 7 or 8, really??? I’m so scared for the day to come that I have to talk about this with my kids!
Kelly recently posted..How Having a Baby Affected Our Marriage
That kind of sounds like youre saying that usually people who have children before marriage come from bad homes, and I dont think thats the case these days. Marriage isnt the institution it was, its often expensive and a lot of people arent brought up to believe its important – that doesnt mean they dont come from a good home. xx
Good point because my mom would like to think she came from the Brady bunch, but she was pregnant with me in college. Although I know that “good homes” can turn out pregnant teens, broken families (not meaning married or not just problems in the relationships) do tend to turn out more pregnant teens… but I think there is a factor about adopted children, no matter how loving their adopted families are, a lot of times desire a blood relative.
Kelly @ In the Mom Light recently posted..Motherhood is Funny, but this Shit is Serious – The Great Debate: Ball Taps -vs- Birthing Babies
I have had quite a few discussions about sex with my oldest, she is 9. I was not afraid to do it at all and the conversations went very well. I don’t know why it was so easy, my parents never talked to me about it, but I am so glad we have that open line of communication. I am very adamant about using proper names for everything though since my kids (I have 5) are born. I don’t call genitals strange names but prefer the real names for them and I don’t get weird or giggly when I talk about them. I present it as a way of life, something beautiful and wonderful and part of who we are. We also have talked to our 3 oldest about proper and improper touch. Trust me, once you talk about it you will realize it wasn’t as bad as you thought it was going to be.
I have several friends who are expecting babies now, and my 4-year-old is starting to wonder how babies get in bellies. So far I’ve managed to avoid an actual conversation about it, but I guess I should start thinking about how to answer him. Sadly the kids usually have no idea that sex is an uncomfortable topic…it’s the parents that make it uncomfortable. But it’s so hard to know when they are old enough to handle and understand the truth. I agree that the cartoon book sounds a bit weird. Good luck!
Mommy’s Always Write recently posted..Motherhood-Induced Insomnia
I talked to my eldest daughter when she was in about 5th grade – it was horrifying for both of us. I bought some book that had drawings – made for kids – and then left it in her room. Luckily my second daughter found the book herself and so when it was time to talk about the “s” word she said, “I know all about it” Phew!
Kristen Brakeman recently posted..MY GUEST POST AT MOMSLA.COM “A Tale of Two Parties”
I am a Brazilian living in Germany and german people are very open when it comes to body and sex. When my daughter was four, she asked me how babies get inside their mommy´s belly. I thought that it was better to ommit than to lie. So, I told her that mama and papa love each other very much and when they decide to have a baby, they hug each other very tight and papa gives mama a little seed that will meet a seed that mama has in her belly and the baby starts to grow. I did not lie only put it in a more childish and romantic way. However, Germans prefer the straightforward method as described in a post I wrote in my blog : http://tudodebonn.blogspot.de/2009/08/historias-para-criancas-cabeludas.html
arlete recently posted..Cinquenta jeitos sem graça de dizer a mesma coisa
My daughter was in second grade. I remember it like it was yesterday. After our talk, I suggested to her that she not mention it to friends on the playground; that probably their parents would want to explain it to them first. “Okay,” Sarah said. The next day she had a playdate with her friend Ian.
And the next day Ian’s mom called me and told me the cutest story. Ian had come to her and explained that he knows where babies come from. “The man puts his penis in the lady.” Ian’s mom was stunned. “But,” Ian asked, ” how does he fit it into her bellybutton?”
My daughter had certainly explained this to Ian. Sort of.
lauren scheuer recently posted..Microcosm
I am right there with you. My oldest is in 2nd grade and I am shocked that with 2 younger siblings she hasn’t asked how babies get IN to mommy’s belly. She certainly knows how they get out. My girls love to watch The Business of Being Born. I’ve been mentally preparing myself for a while now….I just need to find the courage.
Katy recently posted..It’s World Milksharing Week
My oldest is only 2 so I think I have a little while before he starts asking questions but I do believe firmly in age appropriate, life long sexual education. For example we don’t use slang/silly names for body parts. He knows that his penis is called a penis and that daddy has a penis too, and even that mommy and little sister have vaginas. I know that it’s uncomfortable for a lot of people but I think it’s necessary to make genitals just like any other body part; otherwise kids start feeling like there’s something wrong or icky about that part of their body. Most Planned Parenthood facilities employ someone who teaches various sex ed classes including one to teach parents how to talk to their kids about sex. I highly recommend it!
Jodi recently posted..Oil Cleansing Method (OCM): The Beginning
My son (10) will be watching “the movie” at school this year. SO not looking forward to it. It’ll just be a matter of time before my dd(7) starts asking. It’s going to be hard b/c my mother never had “the talk” w/ me- I had to learn from my friends.
It’s not easy but it’s so important! I highly recommend a series of books by Robie Harris, starting with “It’s Not the Stork” for kids age 4 and up. It focuses on the differences between boys’ and girls’ bodies, and handles the subjects of sex and love very sensitively and appropriately for young children but introduces them to the concepts. The second book in the series is for 7 and up, called “It’s So Amazing,” and introduces more complex information, and then the third book “It’s Perfectly Normal,” for age 10 and up, deals with puberty and the changes kids experience personally. Together, these have been a very nice and gentle introduction to the whole subject for my 3 boys.
My mom read us a cartoon book that Dr. Sears recommend called Where We Came from. It is great. I just shared it with my 5 year old son. I feel that starting early and dosing the info out slowly takes the uncomfortable ness away.
I don’t think my parents ever gave me the sex talk- just gathered the information in bits and pieces from friends. Thank goodness I don’t have to worry about this for awhile with my kids.