Jill Smokler, AKA Scary Mommy
@scarymommy
Latest posts by Jill Smokler, AKA Scary Mommy (see all)
- The Disney Reveal - May 14, 2013
- Met My Match At Disney… - May 13, 2013
- Sunday’s Baltimore Sun - May 11, 2013
Leisl is one of those moms who wakes up and wonders, “How the hell did I get here?” Literally. With 2 kids who think sleep is an optional extra, she spends her nights roaming from bed to bed. In between, she likes to blog about her madder mommy moments. Her “non-mommy” life includes pursuing poverty reduction projects (and a Masters degree in the same!) in South Africa where she lives. Read more at Mommy Gone Mad.
As much as I try to be a patient, understanding and overall über-cool daughter-in-law, I must admit that there are limits to my abilities in this area. If my mother-in-law were, for example, to try and publicly contest the position for First Lady in my husband’s heart, I may morph into a vaguely psychotic and paranoid jealous female and vehemently stake my claim to such rights. But surely, you gasp, such an abomination would never occur. Alas, in the crazy world of mother/daughter-in-law relations, such madness seems to be an everyday occurrence.
So here’s how it went down: it was a quiet, unassuming day and we were taking a stroll back to our car when my husband asked, “Do you have the car keys love?” Before I could even wrap my porridge brains around the question, SHE pipes up, “Are you talking to me?” An awkward silence ensued until I stated what I thought was blindingly obvious: “I think he’s talking to me mom.”
Ha! Apparently not so obvious because the next statement stopped me dead in my tracks, “Well, love refers to me clearly.” Now I’m not often rendered speechless (considering how I’ve often been handed down the prognosis of having untreatable verbal diarrhea) but even I was stumped by this one.
If that isn’t enough to stop you cold in your tracks, this should give you pause for thought. My ever-charming, 100% politically-correct husband decides to melt the dense frostiness that suddenly seemed to permeate the air with the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard him say, “No fighting ladies – you’re BOTH the loves of my life.” Hmmm…
Now perhaps you’re thinking that isn’t so bad. Give the guy props for using a cheesy line to defuse a ticking time bomb. Except that I forgot to mention that I was 6 months pregnant at the time, essentially the emotional and physical equivalent of a raging female elephant under attack. At this point in the game, mental stability had long since escaped my tenuous grasp on it, and my only claim to human-like behaviour came in the aftermath of a chocolate binge (which I consumed as a mood-altering substance to try and play nice from time to time). Needless to say, I was NOT in the mood to have the instigator of my current whale-shaped physique start comparing our relationship to the one he has with his mommy!
But I have long since learnt that arguing with my mother-in-law is akin to trying beat Chuck Norris. In other words, you don’t. Basically, there is NO way to out-argue this woman. And in the unlikely event that my pregnancy-addled mind could come up with a witty repartee, she would simply swan right over it.
So I did what any intelligent woman would do under these circumstances. I had a righteously indignant go at the hapless victim of the man-territory wars, my husband himself. Poor guy! He honestly thought that he’d found an all-round winner in his clever comeback, but he forgot to account for the fact that his wife was essentially eating hormones for breakfast, lunch and supper. I’m happy to report that he’s learnt his lesson and won’t ever consider placing me on the same rung as ANY other human being EVER again.
So in conclusion, let’s extract the moral truths from this gem of a story:
1. Husbands, considering that you now live with your mate and not your mother, choose carefully when you find yourself in a checkmate situation. Your mother has limited access in terms of making your life miserable whilst your wife now has infinite powers. Remember: a happy wife = a happy home.
2. Mother-in-laws: yes, we understand that some uppity miss has usurped your place as numero uno in your baby boy’s life, but for goodness sake! We provide you with grandchildren to ease your strife. Surely that’s gotta count for something???
3. Daughter-in-laws and wives: Tough as it is to swallow, this is a package deal. You’ve got the man of your dreams so just suck it up and thank God that you’re not still with that loser whose idea of a hot date included a football match and cooler of beers. (Please note: if you are pregnant, none of the above applies to you. Feel free to make up the rules as and when they suit you).
{ 65 comments… read them below or add one }
That stinks that she wants to be number 1. I totally understand though. : ) Kind of. It’s hard to let your baby go. Thank God mine is just 11 and I have a few more years with him.
Life with Kaishon recently posted..Photographer Interview- Kim Klassen
I shudder to think what I may inflict on my daughter-in-laws. I have 2 boys, so I’ll have plenty of opportunity! :)
My best friend mother in law told her on her WEDDING day: “I hope he makes you as happy as he has made me” Um, I really really hope not!
Gigi recently posted..Teología Prescolar Part 2
Oh my God, I about died laughing on this one. Who says things like that on the day that’s supposed to end with the two walking away from everyone to “consumate” the marriage? Ewww!
Kate recently posted..Niche
Your husband really should have ended it by saying, “No, I was talking to my wife.” Period. End of argument.
But really? You can always win. You are the one he goes home to sleep with. Not her. And we ALL know that is the ultimate win.
Jennifer recently posted..To swimsuit or to not swimsuit
Ah! My mother-in-law is Korean. There is ZERO arguing with her about ANYTHING. Period. It’s absolutely maddening!
The one time I did speak up to her, I, too, had the benefit of hormones to blame for my outburst.
I think you win! I have realised though that we over-dramatise things in our minds sometimes. Every now and again you need to go back to what you would do in the same situation with any other person. That’s my theory at least – have yet to try it! :)
Wow, you’ve just seriously helped me appreciate my mother-in-law! :)
I have never had a MIL. My husband’s mother died when he was a teen and I never even met her. On some levels, I wish I had known her but I have to admit it is kind of nice not to have to deal with MIL issues. Believe me, I have enough FIL issues to last me a lifetime. I also have 3 boy-crazy daughters so it’s pretty likely I’ll never have to deal with a DIL. I feel for those who do have to deal with this – it can’t be easy at all.
I’ve never had a FIL – think the 2 work better hand-in-hand!
This was one of the greatest things ive ever read, thankfully my MIL has happily handed over all rights to number one, and maybe even relinquished his rights to her heart to me!!
My MIL has the uncanny ability to step aside as #1 and allow me to reside in my husband’s heart as his one and only. I only hope when my son (who is our first born) finds the woman of his dreams, I can be so wise.
Iva @ This Side of Perfect recently posted..Are You Making the Most of Your 24 Hours
Being that my oldest is about to propose to his delightful girlfriend, I really like your comment. I have already stepped aside, am excited to be getting a daughter, she asks HIM if they can come stay with us…..and ironically, he and I are closer than ever. A good MIL knows when to back off and I am practicing now :-)
OHN recently posted..ME You want to know about ME
My mother-in-law is AWESOME. I take every opportunity to say that :)
And your rules? I agree with #1 especially!
Alison@Mama Wants This recently posted..Writers Workshop- More than six words
That sounds like something my mother-in-law would say. And a baby only makes things worse since now she’s the expert of your husband AND your kid. FML.
I ditto this response. If I could make my MIL understand that her singlemotherhood raising the only child she ever had that I just happen to fall in love with, marry, bear our 2 children with and make a life with, does not give her fucking trump rights.
Sorry. Bitter party of one.
Ouch! Sounds rough. Keep breathing. I know the feeling but don’t let it eat you up. SOOO not worth it!
Wow. I have nothing to compare to that and I’m glad of it. There’s enough drama in life already without your MIL trying to keep claim to your husband.
I completely get this, hormones and all. My MIL still calls her boys (my husband included) her “babes”. Gag.
Momster recently posted..Curse you- Supermom!
I truly hope that when I am my mother in law’s age I act more demure, mature and classy toward my daughter in law than she has towards me.
If that were my husband, hormones notwithstanding, I would have shrugged it off and then the next time he wanted to get a little cozy under the sheets, I’d roll over and say “I’m too tired – why don’t you call the other love of your life to help you out. Goodnight.”
Yeah, the “righteous go” that was had (which was of course, a civil, adult conversation) included an argument along those lines!
Leisl recently posted..Mom- you need some paint!
That is the perfect answer!
Kate recently posted..Niche
I’m dying to know what was said (shouted?) at your husband to ensure this never happens again! lol :)
Said of course, in a very civil and adult manner (not!)
I can’t quite remember, but there was definitely something along the lines of, “I’m pregnant so I’m right” in there. Add in some, “I’ve sacrificed my entire life including my body” and “I am the provider of your most important extra-curricular activity” and voila!
Leisl recently posted..Mom- you need some paint!
Oh my God, I’m so ridiculously happy you talked about Chuck Norris and boundary-toeing mother-in-laws in the same paragraph. That, I think, is a goal we can all aspire to. Brava!
Chelsie recently posted..I bet Jesus would have used HIS turn signal
Well, we’ve yet to see if I emerge from this unscathed Chelsie, but thanks!
Leisl recently posted..Mom- you need some paint!
Wow, someone needs to let go of the apron strings. Just because you push the boy out of your cooch doesn’t mean you own him. My son is only 2 and I already know that. MIL should be thankful that some other broad is willing to put up with his neurosis for the next 50 years.
Lotus Blu Mama recently posted..To Be So Humbled and Forever Grateful
Your rules are hilarious. And feel free to make them up as you go as well. You have to change based on the hormones. What is okay today may not be tonight. Good luck to you!
This made me thankful for my MIL. She used to try to instill her “advice” but knew that I would just ignore it. So she stopped.
The day my husband told me that I made better red sauce than his mom, I rejoiced. I trumped his mom. It was a slow fall from the throne for her but I climbed right up. Singing Nah-nah-na boo-boo all the way!
Sassy recently posted..Secret Lives
LOVE it Sassy! Go you!
Leisl recently posted..Mom- you need some paint!
Two things: One, I’ve never felt I had to compete with my mother-in-law. My husband has always made it clear that I’m a far superior cook than she is. And let’s face it, I’m the one who provides that special “bedtime” activity.
Two, My MIL has always felt the need to say she understands I’ve got to come first, and then try and usurp that…which leads to her son having “talks” with her every time. He was a mama’s boy, but lady, he’s loved me since the day I walked in his 8th grade history class (though we didn’t date until almost 10 years later)… you will always lose.
That being said I actually as a general rule get along with my MIL. It’s becoming more rare that she boils my blood. Distance helps.
Kate recently posted..Niche
Oh, I feel your pain. I have a Monster-in-law who believes she is #1 in our lives. I made my Hubby promise before we wed that in a contest/fight/decision between MIL & Me I WILL win–or he can go live with her.
She is such a freak she had Hubby escort her to her Club dance a month after we married–he had to wear a tux and she wore a white wedding gown!
When she took her Hubby #3 to Venice where we spent our honeymoon she had to stay in the EXACT same hotel room.
I wish I could just divorce her.
Hang in there! Cheers. VB
Vinobaby recently posted..Road Trip- Costa Rica and the Oh My God Bridge
Oh my GOSH! That is bunny boiler stuff! I’ve told a couple of my friends and they agree that it’s extra-special psycho. Good luck!
Leisl recently posted..An award!
OMG! Not Normal!! I hope that your husband is perfect and brings you chocolates and showers you with ” you’re beautiful” , ah!!
Thankfully my mother-in-law lives on the other side of the country. :-)
Christi recently posted..Stupid Nature
Thankfully, I am much more awesome than my mother-in-law (aka, she never learned to cook whereas I cook very well thanks, she kicked him out on his 18th birthday, and before that, made it clear that she chose her 2nd husband over him anyday). But I feel your pain. Stupid men.
Polish Mama on the Prairie recently posted..My Older Daughters First Trip to Poland- Our Departure
Holy crap, I can’t believe she said that! You are amazing for handling this so well.
NotJustAnotherJennifer recently posted..Love Trumps Everything
You know what?
This is sick and twisted.
Of course, MIL won’t see that.
Alexandra recently posted..Sunday Best – Love in the Chaos
A long, long time ago I learned the way to win with my MIL was literally to shock the hell out of her…I have rendered her speechless so many times that it’s clear who dominates.
On the other hand, I’m way older now so i through her a bone every now an again. I have epic stories, EPIC!!!!
Good luck…I’m available at no fee to consult.
Lynn MacDonald (All Fooked Up) recently posted..In which Lynn is a specimen … tree
I LOVE that strategy and may just go with it. Sadly, I’ll have to out-shock as I think that may be her strategy too. Do at least give me an example of the best way to create shock quality.
Leisl recently posted..An award!
http://allfookedup.com/in-which-i-discuss-circumcision/
Here you go!
All Fooked Up recently posted..In which Keely was right … damn it
Wow. I don’t know if I would have handled that as well as you did.
My FMIL has already made it clear to my fiance that she never wants to meet me and that he should break it off with me and basically “Go and get laid with lots of others” before deciding if he wants to marry me still.
She thinks that he doesn’t know what he wants yet and that he’s too young. Granted, I’m the only one he’s ever been with in any form of a relationship, but we love each other.
This is going to be interesting seeing as I’m going to his side for Christmas this year.
Good luck! To go into meeting her already at a disadvantage… that sucks!
Leisl recently posted..An award!
OMG thanks for this post. It’s so nice to know I’m not the only one with a sick and twisted MIL. Except that I also have a sick and twisted SIL, my husband’s brother’s wife, adding to the havoc by adding fuel to the fire as often as possible. She is so sick with jealousy regarding the relationship I have with my MIL, the one she has completely fabricated in her twisted mind because in fact there is no relationship, that it seems she’s made it her mission in life to be as toxic as possible.
I have the she-devil of mother in law’s. She’s childish, immature and jealous.
The one positive thing she did in life was give birth to an amazing guy. The fact he turned into a wonderful man was in spite of her; not bc if her.
I keep making a mental list of what she does so I know what NOT to do
Funny story, sort of. :)
I like your points at the end!
As Obama says and my husband repeats and knows – When Mommy is happy, everyone is happy.
Carolyn recently posted..Momma Confession- I Dont Share
Someone told me this recently and I think it’s fitting:
A good MIL keeps her mouth shut and her pocketbook open.
Dani recently posted..Top 10 Reasons It Was a Bad Idea for Cory to Allow Me to Plan a 1st Birthday Party In Our Backyard
I have never understood how a woman could not get the fact that her son becomes an adult, and has a life outside of her bubble. I won’t be picking their mates (they have wonderful girlfriends and I hope the guys don’t screw it up and get dumped). I don’t think of the boys as “leaving” me, I think of it as scoring daughters. After raising three boys (I get extra points for that) the thought of having DIL to go get a mani/pedi with or laugh about my sons being male (ie:idiots)…well, I can’t wait.
OHN recently posted..ME You want to know about ME
I’ve had two mothers-in-law and while I love them both…it has always been a battle for affections! I think it’s a husband’s rite of passage to pass the crown from mom to wife (and usually with some..ahem..encouragement). You put this into words beautifully.
Greta @gfunkified recently posted..Road Trips Arent For Sissies
It’s so wonderful to read about other people’s MIL issues! Thank you, thank you, for writing this. :) I can’t tell you how many times I want to give a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to my hubby when he qualifies his relationship with his mother equal to ours. Not only does my MIL do her best to remain the love of my hubby’s life , she openly tells everyone, including her other children, that she loves him more than her other children. That stokes me. How can you tell your children you love one more than another? OH get this! She refuses to eat meat on Mondays. That was the day my hub was born. Thanks again for the writing the post that so many wives/DIL can relate to!
Kelli recently posted..Evolution of a Playroom
Where do they come up with this stuff? Refuses to eat meat on Mondays… my word! And the whole husband making mom and wife equal thing – if mine ever does that again, I’m sending him for electric shock therapy. As if!
Leisl recently posted..An award!
Ah yes, the mother-in-law. What is it that makes mother’s so possessive of their sons? I can remember the night before our wedding at my parent’s house, my MIL sat extremely close to my hubby with her hand on his leg as if she was totally marking her territory for one more night. Of course, hubs hated it and my family… they thought it was very weird. She still calls him her cuppycake. Gag. I hope I don’t do that to my son when he marries.
Zeemaid recently posted..Can we say Hold the Water- Please!
She did WHAT now? That is intense. Has it cooled down since?
Leisl recently posted..An award!
Somewhat.. but they still get him alone and try to grill him about personal matters… it’s like they wait until I’m not around to gang up on him about stuff.
My MIL has tried things like this, too. Once, when my husband was out of town for work, she told me that I shouldn’t flatter myself by thinking he only missed me & the kids- he missed her, too!
She has to be everyones #1, now she’s trying this stuff on my kids, too. She likes to “accidentally” refer to herself as Mommy to them, & once said that they were lucky kids to have two Mommies!
We actually got along fine until we had kids, I think she’s jealous that I’m in what she perceives to be the “best” role in the family. *Sigh* What are you going to do? The hubs is good, though, he shuts her down every time she tries to pull this stuff.
Why? Why? Why?
Pretty similar here actually – got on like a house on fire until I started dating her son, and things degenerated with each new “promotion” in status from then on.
Leisl recently posted..An award!
if my hubs called my MIL love I think I’d barf right there and then…
so sick…ugh…
Just the mention of the word mother-in-law makes me sweat between my toes.
Pam recently posted..Out With the Old and in With the New – What to do with your child’s outgrown clothes
I realized that to avoid complications, the best thing to do is stay away from your mother in law. I haven’t seen mine a year and a half ago and only talk to her at skype just hi and hello or how are you. :)
But husband’s are always like this, they can’t stand for their wives and tell their mom that they are married. Sad truth!
mommy gem recently posted..The Drunken Master
Not an option for all of us. Oh well!
Leisl recently posted..An award!
I didn’t realise it was this bad! But I have to say, I’m glad I’m not the only one. I just hope and pray I don’t do this to some poor girl 30 years from now.
Seriously considering starting a support group for all us DILs!!!
I want to say that I’m sure you (and the rest of us) won’t, but my MIL didn’t get along with hers, either, although in hindsight I tend to think that was more to do with her than my husbands Grandma. And I think maybe because she didn’t get on with her MIL, she just thinks this is normal to be so combative.
Still, with a little empathy, and remembering what it’s like to be in the DIL position, I’m sure we can do better!
Why are mothers so freaking weird with their sons?! Cut the cord already.
Zoey @ Good Goog recently posted..I Like That She Asks
Ah, yes, the female hormone. A complicated little thing, that when confronted by the thousand year old battle between wife and mother-in-law tends to be a bit unpredictable to say the least. It is exceptionally virulent when the host is in the process of developing a new addition to the human race. My opinion is that in this instance you are one hundred percent correct in your conclusion that the husband must put his wife on a much higher rung than that of his mother (my mother-in-law once told my wife, now ex-wife, that you can always get another husband, but you can’t get another mother). But please bear in mind that the husband you love would not be the same person, if his mother were someone else.
Oh bravo! A great answer in a beautifully eloquent piece of writing. You’ve captured the heart of the hormonal female in question whilst maintaining a positive spin on the object of her disaffection. Very impressed.
Leisl recently posted..An award!
I think I need to give my MIL a huge hug and maybe her favorite candy or something after reading this and some comments. Wow! So sorry for those of you with crazy MILs, having a nice one does make life easier. When we moved to France , we had planned on staying with the PILs for a few months – six tops. Well, that little adventure lasted 2 years. No joke! Myself, husband and two little girls were welcomed with open arms. I had a tough time and there were fights between my husband and I but NEVER with my in-laws. Yes, amazing!