I thought becoming an adult and then a parent would put an end to my juvenile ways. But it turns out, the more things change, the more they stay the same.
1. Yell at boys from moving cars
Way back before smart phones—or cell phones for that matter—my friends and I would communicate with boys by yelling out of car windows. And today, even with these technological advances, I still find myself cruising through the hood, windows rolled down, yelling at the boys in my path: Is your mom home? How was the game? Get out of the street!
2. Sneak out of the house at night
If you can wait until they’re sleeping, you might be able to tiptoe to the back door, avoiding all creaking floorboards, and make your escape before they call out, Where are you going? We did it to our parents. Now we do it to our kids.
3. Sneak back into the house at night
And once you get out, you have to get back in. Can you make it down the hall, shoes in hand, and slip into bed unnoticed without having to ‘fess up to how much you had to drink or pause for one of those uncomfortable conversations where you think you’re doing an awesome job acting totally sober?
4. Curl my hair
Every time I plug in my curling iron, I think, Is this really happening? I have traumatizing flashbacks of really, really bad bangs. But yes, wavy hair is in, flat irons are out. And don’t even get me started on French braids. So goes the circle of hair.
5. Make a run for the border
Sometimes I think the worst part about being an adult is having to think about dinner every single day. That’s where cheap fast food comes in. After school, after practice, the only thing to do is hit up the Taco Bell drive through.
6. Obsess about split ends
In high school, I spent hours, mostly in class, combing through my shoulder-length locks, looking for the mother of all split ends. You know the one, girls: the one that looks like a palm frond has taken up residence in your hair. Now that I’m wearing my hair a little longer and I can pull it in front of my eyes, I’ve resumed my quest for that big mama split end.
7. Smuggle alcohol
This would be a whole lot better if we had some booze…I’m still always plotting for a way to bring alcohol into functions that are supposed to be dry. But instead of dances and basketball games, I’m scoping out movie night at the kids’ school, the festival at the park, and Little League.
8. Count the days until spring break
The countdown to spring break was intense. Getting all of your cutoffs perfectly frayed was no joke. I’m still counting down to spring break, but now it involves totaling how many days in a row I don’t have to pack lunches and calculating how many days the elastic in my six-year-old tankini will hold up.
9. Make cutoffs
Last summer I made a pair of cutoffs and tried to mask it as a reuse-what-you-have, way-to-save-money, Pinterest-worthy project. And then I wore them. A lot.
10. Use my period to get out of gym
Clutching my stomach, I lie motionless on the living room floor. There is no way in hell I can exercise today. Must stay home and keep an eye on Instagram. And the Emmy goes to…
11. Listen to ’90s rap
A friend tipped me off to a radio station that plays only ’90s rap. Leaving Target the other day, I heard “Say He’s Just a Friend” go into “Nuthin’ but a G Thang” and right into Warren G’s “Regulate.” I seriously thought I would lose my mind. I find myself saying to the peeps in the backseat (my children), What? What did you say? I can’t hear you over Snoop Dogg.
12. Worry about being old
Back in the day, I spent a lot of time contemplating whether I looked old enough. Now I spend a lot of time worrying and contemplating whether I look too old. I ask myself things like, Am I too old to buy the Taylor Swift album? (My use of the word “album” suggests yes.) And, Am I too old to wear these cutoffs?