Mel and I are going on 12 years as parents. We have three children together, and let me just say that we’ve said some serious shit to each other, and the children, in the night. I don’t know what it is about kids not sleeping and parents acting crazy, but we’ve said some things at 4 a.m. that we’d never say in the light of day.
Here are a few examples of things parents say when darkness falls:
1. Just open the closet and start swinging your fists. If something’s in there, you’ll set it straight.
2. I left a wet pull-up in the bed. Or maybe I put it in the laundry. I don’t know… I’m too tired. Will you figure it out?
3. I don’t know where Bun-Bun is, and I don’t care. Go to sleep. I’ve been up for over an hour with you. If you don’t go to sleep, I’m going to find Bun-Bun and light him on fire.
4. Why are you smiling? It’s 4 a.m. Now I’m smiling. I hate that we are smiling.
5. He won’t sleep because his bum burns. It’s probably because of his diaper rash. Can we just pack it with ice…or something?
6. I love you, but if you don’t go to sleep, I might die. Is that what you want? For me to die, because I feel like I’m dying.
7. Stop screaming! It’s making my head explode.
8. The baby had a blowout, and you have gas! It smells like death. I swear, if you fart one more time I’m going to kill you.
9. Listen, I know that your tummy hurts. I get that. But you need to puke in the bowl. OK? It’s not that hard. Just stick your stupid face in there and let out your stupid puke into the stupid bowl!
10. Stop asking me for Reese’s Pieces. It’s midnight! I’m going to eat them all right in front of you. Happy?
11. Now you’ve woken up your sister. Not making a lot of friends around here!
12. Stop being cute. It makes it harder for me to be mad at you.
13. Why am I crying?! Because every time I fall asleep, the baby cries, or you kick me. Every time! I want to saw your legs off!
14. Sometimes when I’m up with the kids like this, it feels like I’m in a dark hole.
15. You are 9-years-old. Get your own drink of water. Whatever you are scared of in the kitchen isn’t half as frightening as me right now.
16. How are you sleeping through this? Is it because you hate me?
17. It’s your turn. I was just up for an hour listening to the baby cry and your stupid snoring. You sound like you’re dying.
18. Turn off the bathroom light! You don’t need light to pee! I pee in the dark all the time.
19. It’s 5 a.m.! No! You cannot play the iPad.
20. If you fall out of bed, you just get back in it. That’s how the world works!
21. If you go to sleep right now, I’ll give you a box of cookies for breakfast.
22. Don’t touch my face. I’ve been up with you for over an hour. We’re not friends.
23. Stop biting me! You’re like an animal!
24. Why is the baby laughing? It’s like she’s on drugs. I want some drugs…
25. You were asleep! You were asleep! You were asleep!
26. I swear I’m going to tape that binky to her mouth!
27. She can’t breathe because of boogers. Just suck ’em out with your mouth or something. I don’t even care anymore.
28. I cuddle with you, and you push me away. I set you down, and you cry. You’re as confusing as your mother.
29. Why am I wet?
30. Thanks for getting up with her. It makes me want you. I’m too tired, but I wanted you to know about it.
Tell me we are not alone.