1. You feel the worst before anyone knows or can tell. First trimester brings on the morning sickness, the constipation, the insane sense of smell, and who knows what other weird bodily shit. But no one knows, so you just have to push through it in public. Fuck that.
2. You will, almost inevitably, pee on yourself at least once, if not once daily during pregnancy. No one tells you this shit, and first time moms always act all surprised. By number 2 you just slap on a panty liner and keep going.
3. You will poop everywhere when you give birth. It will be disgusting. You probably won’t remember.
4. Your boobs hurt, your back hurts, your fucking FACE hurts…but everyone just constantly tells you how lucky you are to be pregnant. It makes you want to stab them in the face. Or go eat a pint of ice cream with hot sauce sauce on it.
5. Your spouse may develop sympathy pregnancy cravings or symptoms. These are not real and seem to be another way of the universe saying “fuck you preggo, you aren’t that special”. The universe can kick rocks.
6. If you are a working mom, you still have to do your damn job every day, even when you feel like shit. If you are stay at home you still have to watch the other kids even when you really need to just lie the fuck down. Only first time moms who are somehow already staying at home are lucky. If you disagree with me, you’re just wrong- you have it easy.
7. You may gain 30lbs, you may gain 300lbs, but your old clothes won’t fit. Your boobs look they belong on a porn star (and will NOT stay that way, sorry), and you need to lay out money on a new wardrobe, or at least a boatload of leggings.
8. You will never get your body back. Unless you’re that Facebook fitness bitch, but fuck her. Your boobs will sag, you will likely have weird stretch marks in odd places, and your pants size just went up because your hips are permanently stretched.
9. Acne and, even worse, gingivitis. Who knew at least 65% of pregnant women end up with pregnancy induced gingivitis? That shit is for the birds. It’s enough I’m craving pancakes with pickled tomatoes, eating it makes my fucking canker sore HURT.
10. The most fucking ridiculous thing about pregnancy, is that when its over, you forget ALL of this … and you might even want to do it again.