Kelley is a part-time stay-at-home mom, part-time speech pathologist and part-time collector of mock turtlenecks. (Kelley also flat-out lied about the mock turtlenecks part but aspires to make this a reality in the very near future, like around…2089?) She lives in Texas, which is painfully obvious by the Southern speak she spews from TAHM tuh TAHM on her blah-owg. Two very cute & busy sons and one fun & handsome husband share her home which is, unfortunately, often full of landmines in the form of clean clothes piles and Star Wars figurines. Her blog, Kelley’s Break Room, is meant to be a place for people to relax and, hopefully, have fun!
The boys’ upstairs bathroom was in dire need of some toilet paper. It is ironic that they needed toilet paper at all because I always buy the gargantuan size package of double-ply quilt squares for everybody’s hind-ends. Every time I hoist that big package up on Target’s check-out aisle #10′s conveyer belt, I just know that “Tiara” (with the big forearms, deep voice and fake lashes) is wondering if I am running an old folks’ home right in my house or the ringleader of an underground vandalism operation that outfits teenagers with rolls and rolls and rolls and rolls and rolls of Charmin. The truth is I am a mother, much like you and you over there, who cares that her children and husband have behinds that receive the proper attention, DAGNABBIT. So, I ditch my hopes that we’ll be a “green” family by using leaves, tree bark and leftover newspaper and buy toilet paper. Lots of it. I buy so much that I just know I still have an additional roll to cover that day’s bootie duty. On this particular day, I had only one lonely roll left. The dudes had a few squares clinging to the cardboard tube with all of their might in their bathroom upstairs. The desperate Charmin squares needed back-up…stat.
“Mommmmyyyyyyyy!!!!! I need toilet paperrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!”
Much like a firefighter grabbing the proper supplies from his stash and dashing up to the area of need, I confiscated a roll of toilet paper as big as your mother-in-law’s head from the kitchen counter (I still hadn’t put up the blasted groceries yet, alright?) and made my way up to the upstairs bathroom when I HAD to make an unexpected stop…which led to another unexpected stop…which led to another unexpected stop….all while my 5-year-old son’s little butt hovered over the toilet waiting for me. Here’s how it all went down:
Flashback to the firefighter image… I am rushing to get my son the paper he so desperately requires when I realize I need to stop at..
#1: The kitchen sink
Are those dishes still from last night in the sink? Gotta put those up really fast. Won’t take long. Okay on my way up… Well, hold on a dadgum minute, I need to stop really quickly at…
#2: The kitchen counter
Would you look at all that stankin’ junk mail on the counter? Let me sort through this riiiiiight quick. Hmmm…an invitation to a birthday party this weekend. Let me check my calendar on the refrigerator. Okay, yes, we’re going. Marking that down. Another 20% off coupon to Bed, Bath & Beyond?? Yahooooooooo!!!!! Okay, yes, yes…son needs toilet paper, going to give him toilet paper. (Walking toward…)
#3: The stairs
Why are all of those helmets belonging to Clone Troopers, Storm Troopers and Darth Vader throwing a party right at the bottom of the stairs, for cryin’ out loud?!?! **SIGH** I should make the boys pick these up. I’ll pick them up just this once (who am I kidding??). Okay, finally…getting closer to delivering my toilet paper…(when I stop at…)
#4: The 11th stair
Goldfish Crackers?!?!? What is a whole package of Goldfish crackers doing on the stairs? Crushed Goldfish crackers!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!! Now I must run back down the stairs to put the crackers up and vacuum up the crushed crackers. I know my little guy likes hanging out in the bathroom for a little while anyway. It gives him time to sing. (So, that means I’m stopping at…)
#5: The linen closet
There’s the vacuum cleaner. Man, we need a new vacuum cleaner. We also need to get rid of some of these coats. This one is lame, this one doesn’t fit, this one is ugly… I’d feel bad giving these to Goodwill. Okay, let me take these out really quickly and set them on the top of the kitchen counter…(which means I’m now back in…)
#6: The kitchen
What am I going to make for dinner anyway? Spaghetti. I’m going to make spaghetti. Let me get the hamburger meat out of the freezer…
BEEEEEEEEEEEP!!!!!!!
#7: The laundry room
The clothes in the dryer! Ahhhhhhh!!! I forgot I was doing laundry! Let me just get these out really quickly so I can stuff another load in there from the washing machine…
“MOMMMMMEEHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?”
Dang it. Dude still needs toilet paper.
“I’m throwing it up there!! I will try to throw it really hard so it lands right outside your door. I have no other choice. It’s the ONLY waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyy!!!!!!!”
And that, my friends, is why I can sometimes be home all the live-long, cotton-pickin’ day and it looks like I got nothing done…and why my family waits forever for toilet paper.
Previous post: Going Gray
Next post: To my 16 year old self
{ 39 comments… read them below or add one }
I’m so bad with this! I can’t focus on one single thing and by 6pm the house looks worse than it did when I woke up at 6am! I start these little “projects” too… ugh. Hope your boy eventually made it out of the can with a clean butt.
beckie & the grub recently posted..Getting Barfed on is a Trick and a Treat
This sounds exactly like an online experience. Like toilet paper is what I have to do in real life and the kitchen counter is twitter and the stairs is my blog and the laundry room is my email and then all of a sudden my husband is home and he says did you get the oatmeal for the baby? And I’m like, what?
That is a funny way of looking at it….and so very true!
I’m sorry I snuck my Coke in your car and may have spilled a bit after laughing hysterically and throwing my arms up. It isn’t rain on the windshield. How timely this story is. I too purchase it in bulk and found out we were completely out last week. We were out of napkins too which didn’t leave many paper alternatives except some political junk mail that may have been asking to be used as a substitute. You are just hysterical!!!
Melinda recently posted..Why I’m never taking my kids to the Grand Canyon
Oh a day in the life of a mommy. Good Times eh?
Raquel recently posted..West Lake Are CheatersI Think
I feel like this about picking up toys. I can have something I really need to get done, like dinner started, and I bend down to get a few things out of my way. Thirty minutes later I have a clear floor but haven’t touched a single thing in the kitchen.
liz recently posted..Shake Your Groove Thang
I am impressed that your little man waited – my dirty bunch would have improvised with a towel or sweatshirt or carpet just that they did not have to remain captive in the B-room:)
You are a funny writer – I love the Texas Twang…
Erin recently posted..A Bad Day
Hilarious!
Oh yes, it always looks like I’ve done nothing all day.
I am currently assembeling Ikea shelves, doing laundry, cleaning the living room, making up the beds and thinking out a meal plan for next week all in one sitting. Multitasking I rock at it and yes, my house is meant to look as if a hurricane has just passed through it.
Ah, yes. Sounds all too familiar. But at least he called for toilet paper; mine would have just pulled his pants up and wafted obnoxiously the rest of the day.
Very funny!
dusty earth mother recently posted..If Hannah Montana were a dog
Okay I am glad I finished my coffee before I read this because I am pretty sure it would have come out my nose.
I so totally agree though, TP is a hard thing to come about in my house if they happen to run out, and I do the same million things before giving them the TP too. Damn TP…
Jenn recently posted..Okay so I am a horrible mother
I got to meet Kelly at Bloggy Boot Camp in Austin and she is just this funny in person. And is also sweet and beautiful. Love her!
Jennifer recently posted..December 18th
So funny! Why is it so funny? Because I can SO relate!!! :-)
Ally recently posted..Dont Be A Douche Bag
I mean this in the most un-lesbian way possible, but I really want to marry Kelley. Or be her adopted daughter and move into her house with my 34 year old and 14 month old boys. Can we all agree that it must be a blast when she can make the most MUNDANE tasks imaginable into a fantastically funny story?
Ali @ Last Splash recently posted..Honest Confessions of Motherhood
We had to leave town last weekend to prevent being out of toilet paper before Tuesday. True story. Only sightly coincidential. ;-)
Jen recently posted..blah- blah- blah
That was the GREATEST! Haha! Thank you!
I too wish my son would ask for toilet paper, unfortunately I’ve done his laundry enough to question if he even knows what we use toilet paper for. Flushing? Another thing he is unaware of. I actually have used dry erase markers in my bathroom to remind him of wiping, flushing and lifting the toilet seat. That hasn’t worked…. (this is where anyone who has a good suggestion to get an 8-year old to do any of these three things would reply)
:)
Love this! I do this all the time, try to fit in a “quick” task here and another one there on the way to do something else. When I tell my daughter “just one minute” she now says “but I already waited one minute! You need to come right now please!”
Aging Mommy recently posted..Marching To The Beat Of A Different Drum
LOL! I do believe this is call ‘Mommy ADD’
If this is not a true syndrome, then it should be because I have a terrible case of it too.
Jen recently posted..Insightful or Just an Over Active Imagination
I am right there with you. Of course, the toilet paper thing has not happened in my house in a long time. My kids are at the ages that they don’t want mom to see their business, so they check to make sure there are not going to be any emergencies first. It is funny how modest changes everything. And why is it that toilet paper costs so much now? I mean really, I think certain cuts of meat are cheaper.
Michelle Saunderson recently posted..Election Day- Get Out and Vote!
We are ALWAYS out of toilet paper at our house and we buy the mega pack from the Costco. Good thing we have the left over napkins from last Christmas. You know the ones? That are colored gold and silver and are beautiful. Yeah, those.
Thank you so much for the laugh! I really needed that today. And I can totally identify.
Wow I have been there done that my son will be 4 in one month and already a major handful , but me and my husband want one more not to sure if the timing is just right
We buy the mega packages of stuff like toilet paper, too, but no mega packages of things we won’t use within a few months. I have enough to dehoard without adding to the mix! But one thing that irritates me that I discovered last time we bought toilet paper? The manufacturers have resorted to making the toilet paper about 1/2″ narrower than they were the last time we bought it!
After the frustration of finding ourselves being ripped off in the bathroom your post was a nice bit of comic relief. :)
Judy @ Confessions of a Closet Hoarder recently posted..Cutting corners
That was a super post, Kelley. My suspense was building, as I worried about your little boy’s bottom. Glad you have a good arm!
xoRobyn
Whoa. I’m out of breath just reading about it.
Omgosh! I would never even think of doing such a thing to the fruit of my looms, I mean womb…..or I may do this so often the 4 yr old has a I need to wipe my bum song/dance routine she performs in said situation, hmmm hey she’ll thank me when she’s famous or in therapy ….
I swear Kelley, I could’ve written this myself! It’s my life but you’re living it!
Natalie recently posted..Losing It
‘It gives him time to sing.’ – Me too! Oh, Kelley, I laugh so hard every time I read you.
And I just love that you’re on Scary Mommy. A perfect post from a perfect host (I’m a poet and I don’t know it but my feet show it – they’re Longfellows! Ey-oh!)
But seriously, congrats.
PS – Your little dude must have had time for every song from Madame Butterfly. But on the plus side, he was probably ready to go again and it saved you a trip.
This would not play in my house. A little girl with crappy bum and pants around her ankles would do that little wiggle walk and find me. I would be horrified and then we’d have to play the game called “poop or chocolate”. No one wins that one.
Joey @ Big Teeth & Clouds recently posted..Check engine light hypochondria
Came over from the Breakroom. If Kelley says you are awesome, then I am a believer. I’ll have to come back to read your blog one of these days.
Monkey Man recently posted..Flash Fiction 55 – Hidden
You are way awesomer than I. Sometimes we go up to three days with only paper towels to wipe our butts. Great post!
Momma Drama recently posted..Our Halloween Experience
wow good thing he didn’t have a fire going on up there. Maybe he will check supplies before he sits down to duty next time. It sounds like ordering via Fedex would have been quicker.
lisleman recently posted..Hall of Fame
What do you mean they need toilet paper? Can’t they waddle over to a cupboard and grab some? Don’t you have Kleenex on top of the toilet? …see, I’m full of terrific suggestions, don’t you think?
Sandra recently posted..Dance conferences make me horny!
This is MY method for doing housework! I don’t even need the distraction of delivering TP! Loved this post! Too funny!
I’m late to the party but this was fantastic! This is exactly why I never get anything done. Ever. But I have a ton of half-finished projects!
gigi recently posted..Sunday Brunch- Baked Eggs with Bacon- Spinach and Mushrooms
I love Kelley, she is funny, real and well really funny.
My husband hates that I dart around from task to task but let’s face it I get more done in 10 minutes than he could in 30.
TVs Take recently posted..A Tale of Infertility
So dam glad I’m not the only mother with ADD, lol! And I get mad at my son when he can’t focus. Man if it were my kid, she would just pull her pants up and forget she ever needed any in the first place!
Megan
Hilarious! I’m always getting sidetracked. It’s amazing that I remember to eat.
Thoughts Appear recently posted..Party Over at Aly’s Place!
Kelley,
That was hilarious!!!! I can’t wait to meet you… I’m coming to Spring this weekend and I’ll be on your street. I think! Wanna meet in the Reed’s Garage? I know the secret entry way and don’t let them fool you if the door is down. They are in there…hehehe…hiding from the neighbors! lol
Melody recently posted..How Long Does Your After Glow Last