8 Things I'm Totally Over, Because I’m Too Old And Tired For Bullsh*t

8 Things I’m Totally Over, Because I’m Too Old And Tired For Bullsh*t

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I’m pretty sure being an adult is 85% dealing with bullshit you don’t want to deal with. And if you’re a parent you can bump that number up quite a bit.

First, there’s the bullshit we have to deal with like credit card bills, mortgages, and Monday morning conference calls. Then there’s the bullshit we grumble about, but do nonetheless because it’s with or for someone we love. Watching HGTV with our spouse and spending an entire Sunday afternoon at a youth baseball tournament only to watch our son strike out three times fall squarely in this category.

And then there’s the unnecessary bullshit that somehow creeps into our life, cluttering our mind up like a clogged toilet we ignore until shit is literally overflowing.

Well, I say enough. Enough of the bullshit. One of the most beautiful things about being an adult is that we can say NO to the unnecessary bullshit. We can be selective about the fucks we give, and take a hard pass on the craptastic nonsense infiltrating our lives.

Look, there comes a point in every person life when you realize: life’s too short for bullshit. I’m at that point, folks. I’m too old, too tired, and too busy for this assholery bullshit nonsense.

1. Fake people.

You know that fake friend who’s life is always squeaky clean and she never complains and she loves her kids so much and she’s #soblessed all the freaking time? Yeah, no thanks. If you can’t be real with me and bitch about how your kids are whining whiners or admit that you’ve considered escaping to a hotel alone for a week, we just cannot be friends. Don’t get me wrong. We can be friendly. We’ll smile and exchange pleasantries while we endure those painfully long baseball tournaments, but we aren’t going to be real friends. And if you’re a lying liar who tells me one thing and someone else something else, I just cannot with that.

2. Humblebrags, passive aggressiveness, and all kinds of petty.

I’ve been doing so much eye-rolling at the humblebrags on social media lately that it’s become an occupational hazard. And the passive-aggressive snarkiness that abounds? My standard response these days is bless your heart, which can basically be translated into STFU. Basically, I’m totally over petty.

3. Light and low-fat butter.

Life is too short for food that tastes like regret and disappointment.

4. Fake news.

The actual news is bad enough.

5. Social media nonsense.

Can we all agree that soapbox videos taken in the car have jumped the shark? And the ALL CAPS SCREAMING? Please. I get screamed at enough by my kids; I don’t need it from the Internet too. Okay, okay, so maybe I’m guilty of Internet screaming now and then,  but seriously, these days, just a few minutes on Facebook makes me feel like I need to put on a HazMat suit, pour a stiff drink, or stab a fork in my eyes (sometimes all the above). Fortunately, they have this handy little button called Unfriend (or Unfollow if I’m trying to be polite about it), and with one little click I can say goodbye to the nasty filth that makes me fear for humanity and the cringe-worthy posts that make me want to throw up in my mouth a little bit.

6. Racist, homophobic, sexist assholes.

This isn’t a grey area. Basically, if you think you’re better than anyone because of your race, gender, sexual orientation or religion, I do not have time for your assholery. Bye Felicia!

7. Judge Judy’s.

Lately it seems that parenting and judging others go hand in hand. Enough. Listen, we’re all doing a good job. Well, a good enough job anyway. And good enough is good enough. Believe me, I do enough second-guessing of myself; I don’t need to worry about the judgments coming from other people too.

8. Assholes the Comments Section

Not only am I too old and tired for your Michael Jackson popcorn-eating meme comment bullshit, but I’m also too busy to correct all of your assholery. To put it bluntly: If you didn’t read the article, don’t comment. If you’re going to be an asshole, do not comment. If you’re going to spout out a bunch of misinformation, do not comment. If you’re going to write something about how woman should just write about motherhood and diapers, do not comment. It’s that simple.

The list of unnecessary crap we have to deal with goes on and on but, like I said, I’m letting that shit go. None of us is getting any younger, and our kids fill up a good chunk of our bullshit bucket so we’ve got to dump some of that other crap out when we can. I would say #SorryNotSorry or some such trendy hashtag slang but, well, I’m too old and tired for that too.