Two year old for sale


Almost a year ago, I wrote a post that I called “The Terrible Threes.” My opening words were  something like “Are parenting experts actually… parents? Being one myself, I have a serious bone to pick with them: The “terrible twos” are crap…” I went on  and on to talk about what a joy the twos were and how hellish the threes turned out to be. Blah, blah, blah. Well, today, I’m rescinding my words. I was sorely mistaken.

My dearest third child is approaching two and a half, and the last thing I would describe him as is “adorable, chocolate covered sweetness.” Yes, he is adorable, and sweet. Dangerously so. But he is also the biggest pain in the ass in the universe.

When he eats, he doesn’t gently push aside his plate when he is satiated, he throws it on the floor and laughs about the mess. He haphazardly grabs whatever snack he wants and leaves chaos in his wake. He removes his diaper in upscale stores and abandons it on the floor. Bath time is more like a flood and he sky dives off of any high surface he can find. He instigates fights with his siblings and bursts out in laughter when I reprimand him. He is a walking disaster and every misbehavior is followed by a smile that makes it impossible to stay angry at him.

The latest battle is bedtime. We ditched his crib when we moved, thinking he was ready for a big boy bed. {Big mistake}. I got into the bad habit of laying down with him and singing his lullabies, since we also got rid of the glider. Apparently to a two year old, that means that we will shall now be roommates. The first few days, it was endearing when he held my face and demanded that I lay down with him. Now? Not so cute. He storms out of his room when he gets lonely. He screams in my face when I don’t escort him back upstairs and stay with him. When I do fall asleep with him, the moment I wake up and attempt to move to my bed, he is awake and alert. Short of handcuffing him to the bed, I’m not sure what else I can do.

So, how does this work? If two is terrible, surely three is a breeze, right? RIGHT?


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  1. 1

    Life with Kaishon says

    Oh no! Oh no! Oh no!
    The twos were a breeze with Kaish, but the three…HOLY WOW!
    Guess what, even at age 10 Kaish still likes me to lay with him when he falls asleep. And then, I fall asleep and don’t want to do one more blessed thing after I wake up. Darn it!

    He sure is cute though. Oh my goodness he is so cute.

    PS I think handcuffs might be a perfect thing! : )
    .-= Life with Kaishon´s last blog ..Kids Night Out =-.

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  2. 2

    Kirsten says

    Our #3s must be about the same age, and I am finding myself completely and utterly outgunned by her. The other two kids were PIECES OF CAKE compared to her, and I thought *they* were pretty intense.

    The insouciant laughing after each transgression is what’s killing me. It’s all sunshiny smiles or Category Five Hurricane-level tantrums around here. I’ll be checking back daily to see if ANYONE here comments to promise it’ll get better. :)
    .-= Kirsten´s last blog ..Control Yourself =-.

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  3. 3

    Jessica says

    Ha. You’re describing my 15 month old. Who knew she was so far ahead of the game? :/

    I agree with Kirsten. It’s the laughing that does me in. Really? You’ve terrorized the cat, broken three dishes that were supposedly put out of your reach, and discovered the adult movie pay per view channels on cable. Yes, I suppose you would find this to be COMPLETELY HYSTERICAL.

    Sending strength or wine your way–whichever you prefer.
    .-= Jessica´s last blog ..Pride and Prejudice and Zombies: Dawn of the Dreadfuls — A Review =-.

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  4. 5

    Elise says

    This really made my day! I’ve been having the toughest time with daughter #2 and her complete lack of control. I thought yesterday was going to be the day I died of frustration, but then today came again. Hmm… Terrible 2’s and 3’s suck.

    -Elise, blog editor & social media director

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  5. 6

    Maureen says

    That’s a smile that can melt any anger for sure LOL! My 3 yrs old is a nightmare, he’s getting bossy and the stubbornness is hitting all time high which make it so hard to deal with, sometimes I feel like I could throw him out of the window.
    .-= Maureen´s last blog ..Kartini Today, Are Those Shackles Off? =-.

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  6. 7

    Carrie says

    With my oldest I remember the 2’s being pretty smooth. 3 was definitely a more difficult year (still is since she doesn’t turn 4 until June). However, a friend of my husband’s told him, “terrible two’s are nothing. Wait until the F#*@ing Fours”

    So…I guess you are screwed :)
    .-= Carrie´s last blog ..Earth Day: Changing the planet one blog at a time =-.

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    • 8

      Mum, mom, mommy..... says

      I SO agree with your husband’s friend!!! My oldest is just shy of 4 1/2 and HOLY S@%t is she horrible. At that age, they know how to really put words together to hurt and push buttons (at least my daughter is)….May the force be with you ☺

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  7. 9

    The Mommyologist says

    I think that you get one or the other, so by three you should be good! Mine was an angel at two, but totally got an attitude once he turned three. And he still kinda has one sometimes and he turned 4 almost 2 months ago!
    .-= The Mommyologist´s last blog ..Poop: A Fine Dinner Party Topic =-.

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  8. 10

    Erin Im Gonna Kill Him says

    I’d love to advise you, but given my 2 year old has slept firmly between us in a bed he calls ‘his’ for a year now, I’m clearly in no position to give advice. The inmates always take over the asylum.

    Can you pawn him off on the other two at night? Sleeping with big bro could be really cool, right?!?!

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  9. 13

    Cranky Sarah says

    So maybe I have it a teensy bit easier with my own 2.5 year old #3 (scratch that, he’s just 6 weeks!? away from 3years old *sniff*) but he totally has that “Oh my gosh Mom & Dad! You guys are so funny when you tell me to stop hitting my sisters/bulldozing grown ups down to the floor via head to crotch/tearing up everyone’s art project/standing on top of the couch so I can jump off/pouring water on the floor/writing on the wall and all the other things I did between breakfast and lunch today!”
    I’m not sure turning 3 will help, maybe when he’s turning the key to his own place… but I’ll take the terrible 2’s over thinking about that day!
    .-= Cranky Sarah´s last blog ..9 years 11 months =-.

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  10. 14

    From Belgium says

    Oh great, you have just described the behaviour of my one year old (ok 13 month year old to be exact). This is just full of promises for the future….

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