Two year old for sale


Almost a year ago, I wrote a post that I called “The Terrible Threes.” My opening words were  something like “Are parenting experts actually… parents? Being one myself, I have a serious bone to pick with them: The “terrible twos” are crap…” I went on  and on to talk about what a joy the twos were and how hellish the threes turned out to be. Blah, blah, blah. Well, today, I’m rescinding my words. I was sorely mistaken.

My dearest third child is approaching two and a half, and the last thing I would describe him as is “adorable, chocolate covered sweetness.” Yes, he is adorable, and sweet. Dangerously so. But he is also the biggest pain in the ass in the universe.

When he eats, he doesn’t gently push aside his plate when he is satiated, he throws it on the floor and laughs about the mess. He haphazardly grabs whatever snack he wants and leaves chaos in his wake. He removes his diaper in upscale stores and abandons it on the floor. Bath time is more like a flood and he sky dives off of any high surface he can find. He instigates fights with his siblings and bursts out in laughter when I reprimand him. He is a walking disaster and every misbehavior is followed by a smile that makes it impossible to stay angry at him.

The latest battle is bedtime. We ditched his crib when we moved, thinking he was ready for a big boy bed. {Big mistake}. I got into the bad habit of laying down with him and singing his lullabies, since we also got rid of the glider. Apparently to a two year old, that means that we will shall now be roommates. The first few days, it was endearing when he held my face and demanded that I lay down with him. Now? Not so cute. He storms out of his room when he gets lonely. He screams in my face when I don’t escort him back upstairs and stay with him. When I do fall asleep with him, the moment I wake up and attempt to move to my bed, he is awake and alert. Short of handcuffing him to the bed, I’m not sure what else I can do.

So, how does this work? If two is terrible, surely three is a breeze, right? RIGHT?


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  1. 1

    Life with Kaishon says

    Oh no! Oh no! Oh no!
    The twos were a breeze with Kaish, but the three…HOLY WOW!
    Guess what, even at age 10 Kaish still likes me to lay with him when he falls asleep. And then, I fall asleep and don’t want to do one more blessed thing after I wake up. Darn it!

    He sure is cute though. Oh my goodness he is so cute.

    PS I think handcuffs might be a perfect thing! : )
    .-= Life with Kaishon´s last blog ..Kids Night Out =-.

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  2. 2

    Kirsten says

    Our #3s must be about the same age, and I am finding myself completely and utterly outgunned by her. The other two kids were PIECES OF CAKE compared to her, and I thought *they* were pretty intense.

    The insouciant laughing after each transgression is what’s killing me. It’s all sunshiny smiles or Category Five Hurricane-level tantrums around here. I’ll be checking back daily to see if ANYONE here comments to promise it’ll get better. :)
    .-= Kirsten´s last blog ..Control Yourself =-.

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  3. 3

    Jessica says

    Ha. You’re describing my 15 month old. Who knew she was so far ahead of the game? :/

    I agree with Kirsten. It’s the laughing that does me in. Really? You’ve terrorized the cat, broken three dishes that were supposedly put out of your reach, and discovered the adult movie pay per view channels on cable. Yes, I suppose you would find this to be COMPLETELY HYSTERICAL.

    Sending strength or wine your way–whichever you prefer.
    .-= Jessica´s last blog ..Pride and Prejudice and Zombies: Dawn of the Dreadfuls — A Review =-.

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  4. 5

    Elise says

    This really made my day! I’ve been having the toughest time with daughter #2 and her complete lack of control. I thought yesterday was going to be the day I died of frustration, but then today came again. Hmm… Terrible 2’s and 3’s suck.

    -Elise, babybites.com blog editor & social media director

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  5. 6

    Maureen says

    That’s a smile that can melt any anger for sure LOL! My 3 yrs old is a nightmare, he’s getting bossy and the stubbornness is hitting all time high which make it so hard to deal with, sometimes I feel like I could throw him out of the window.
    .-= Maureen´s last blog ..Kartini Today, Are Those Shackles Off? =-.

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  6. 7

    Carrie says

    With my oldest I remember the 2’s being pretty smooth. 3 was definitely a more difficult year (still is since she doesn’t turn 4 until June). However, a friend of my husband’s told him, “terrible two’s are nothing. Wait until the F#*@ing Fours”

    So…I guess you are screwed :)
    .-= Carrie´s last blog ..Earth Day: Changing the planet one blog at a time =-.

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    • 8

      Mum, mom, mommy..... says

      I SO agree with your husband’s friend!!! My oldest is just shy of 4 1/2 and HOLY S@%t is she horrible. At that age, they know how to really put words together to hurt and push buttons (at least my daughter is)….May the force be with you ☺

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  7. 9

    The Mommyologist says

    I think that you get one or the other, so by three you should be good! Mine was an angel at two, but totally got an attitude once he turned three. And he still kinda has one sometimes and he turned 4 almost 2 months ago!
    .-= The Mommyologist´s last blog ..Poop: A Fine Dinner Party Topic =-.

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  8. 10

    Erin Im Gonna Kill Him says

    I’d love to advise you, but given my 2 year old has slept firmly between us in a bed he calls ‘his’ for a year now, I’m clearly in no position to give advice. The inmates always take over the asylum.

    Can you pawn him off on the other two at night? Sleeping with big bro could be really cool, right?!?!

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  9. 13

    Cranky Sarah says

    So maybe I have it a teensy bit easier with my own 2.5 year old #3 (scratch that, he’s just 6 weeks!? away from 3years old *sniff*) but he totally has that “Oh my gosh Mom & Dad! You guys are so funny when you tell me to stop hitting my sisters/bulldozing grown ups down to the floor via head to crotch/tearing up everyone’s art project/standing on top of the couch so I can jump off/pouring water on the floor/writing on the wall and all the other things I did between breakfast and lunch today!”
    I’m not sure turning 3 will help, maybe when he’s turning the key to his own place… but I’ll take the terrible 2’s over thinking about that day!
    .-= Cranky Sarah´s last blog ..9 years 11 months =-.

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  10. 14

    From Belgium says

    Oh great, you have just described the behaviour of my one year old (ok 13 month year old to be exact). This is just full of promises for the future….

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  11. 16

    Mum, mom, mommy..... says

    YES! YES! YES! Nothing but agreement here! But, sad to say the 4 year old big sis still has her relapses into two year old terror. My hubby has this theory that they’re not called the “terrible twos” because of the onset time frame, but the length you can expect it to last! My little man is just barely 2 1/2 and the most curious walking contridiction I’ve ever seen in all my 33 years…and I thought his sister was bad….I’m begging for a padded room for the next 2 years!

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  12. 17

    tracey says

    I’m so sorry that I laughed throughout this entire post. .. :) And handcuffs are a BIT inhumane. Try duct tape.
    .-= tracey´s last blog ..A post about a post… =-.

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  13. 18

    Sara @ domestically Challenged says

    oh dear! He sounds like a blast! I agree with the 3 thing though…I always thought the same thing. Asher is 3 1/2 now and ….wow.
    .-= Sara @ domestically Challenged´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday =-.

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  14. 19

    Lanita @ A Mother's Hood says

    I may sound like a bad mommy, but with my first, we had to put a lock on her door because she would get up and wander the house in the middle of the night. She used to watch the Disney channel at 3:00a. When the second came around, we didn’t but a lock on her door, but put an alarm on the door. When she tries to run out after she is put to bed, the alarm goes off…really LOUD. She doesn’t like this. It only happened once.
    .-= Lanita @ A Mother’s Hood´s last blog ..Spectically Speaking =-.

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    • 20

      Julianne says

      Lanita, you are a genius! I wish more parents would realize that this is better than making sure their kids aren’t crying. If our little dumplings had the emotional capacity to run things, our country would be…..oh wait……
      But despite our politics from any view, I think the alarm thing is great. If they truly have a nightmare and need mom and dad, the alarm will be forgotten once in their arms. Otherwise…. Stay in bed!!!

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  15. 21

    Sarah says

    I wish I could tell you it’s going to be fine but I can’t get your hopes up like that. It would be cruel.
    from what I gather watching my own 3rd child, take what you had with the first 2 and combine it in a smaller package.
    Better get some hip-waders, your gonna need them.
    .-= Sarah´s last blog ..The Tactless Wonder, a One Woman Show =-.

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  16. 22

    TeacherMommy says

    LOL! And here I was contemplating a post offering a free three-year-old! I’ve been moaning about how quickly I forgot how WHINY three-year-olds are.
    .-= TeacherMommy´s last blog ..To Tell the Tooth =-.

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  17. 23

    drlori71 says

    My youngest son turns 4 tomorrow so we will be done with the 3’s. The 2’s & 3’s weren’t that bad with either of my sons. Now that I’ve said that, with my luck I’ll experience the F*#!ing Fours with my son :-)
    .-= drlori71´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday =-.

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  18. 24

    MommyNamedApril says

    i went through this difference with my first and second. now my first is 3 (and a major asshole) and my second is 2 (and a major asshole). can’t win.
    .-= MommyNamedApril´s last blog ..This One’s All About The Little Guy. =-.

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  19. 26

    Denise says

    My niece was the most wonderful, beautiful 2 yo, by 3 I didn’t know her anymore; she was liek the devil child. This lasted until 5. Now she is the most wonderful, beautiful, just turned 14, yo!!!!

    Now my 2 yo nephew is proving that 2s are bad. He just got kicked out of the babysitters for biting. How embarrassing!!! I feel so bad for my sister. I just can’t wait till he takes his diaper off and runs around in public! Maybe it’s a boy thing. Now the f!#@#ing fours sound interesting!

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  20. 27

    Allison says

    I’ve heard that 2.5-3.5 is the worst, it gets better after that.

    Have you tried a baby gate in front of your sons door? That will keep him from wondering through the house when he’s supposed to be sleeping.
    .-= Allison´s last blog ..A Matter of Hope (Guest Post) =-.

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      • 29

        Michele says

        Baby gate?! Don’t get your hopes up, my 3 yr old was climbing over them at 2, at 3 it just becomes something to jump off of. My 3 yr old sleeps with us (which sucks) and he still manages to get out of the bed without me knowing. At 2 1/2 he got out of my bed managed to unlock 2 locks go outside and stand in the middle of the street ( we live in a small neighborhood luckily ) Fortanutley my neighbor saw him and brought him right back and woke me up. I immediatly put extra locks on, which did the trick for going outside. Maybe try an alarm for the bedroom door, that will usually scare them back to bed and you will know also.

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