There are certain events that you just know are going to change your life forever. Starting a new job, getting married, giving birth, and potty training your toddler. There will be ups and there will be downs, but one thing is for sure: The road to the potty ain’t an easy one.
1. You’re going to think it’s way easier than it actually is.
“Potty training” sounds kind of cute doesn’t it? Something that cute has got to be pretty simple, right? It’s just a few days of asking if your kid has got to “go potty,” a couple of minutes sitting on the bathroom floor waiting, maybe buying a pack of Pull-Ups for the long nights or Kandoo Wipes to teach them the importance of wiping up themselves.
That might be accurate somewhere in Perfect Parent La-La Land, where kids eat what is made for them and go to bed at 7 p.m. sharp. But here in the real world, potty training is pretty crappy. Literally.
2. You’ll spend just as much as you save.
One of the best parts of potty training is the idea of never having to spend money on diapers again. Loosely calculated, 10 diapers a day times one baby minus the stress of running out to the 24-hour Walmart at 2 a.m. should equal a very happy parent with tons of extra cash.
What will you do with all of that extra money? Buy a new wardrobe? Go on a romantic getaway? Treat yourself to an indulgent spa day?
Yeah, right. You will use that money to bribe your child to poop on a miniature toilet. What starts as one M&M turns into a new set of Legos and then a shiny new tricycle, a pony, or a trip to Disney World.
Never underestimate the lengths you’ll go to when bribing your child to use the potty.
3. Your kid will think everything is a toilet.
Do you know what’s exactly like a toilet? Nothing. Nothing is exactly like a toilet. Well, try explaining that to a not-totally-potty-trained 2-year-old.
They might get the overall gist of the whole “going in the toilet” thing. But they may not completely grasp the “toilet only” part of the equation. To a toddler, acceptable toilet substitution may include, but is not limited to: a suitcase, a measuring cup, your brand new shoes, your great-grandmother’s heirloom crystal vase, Mommy’s bed (specifically when the sheets have just been changed), the dog bowl, and the expensive silk plant in the corner.
4. You’ll start to annoy yourself.
It may be the fact that you’re asking your kid if they “have to go” every 3 1/2 minutes. Perhaps it’s your new obsession for mapping and ranking the cleanliness of every public bathroom within a 5-mile radius. It might even be the “Pooping is fun; we wipe when we’re done” rap song that you’ve become accustomed to performing multiple times a day. Whatever it is, at some point during the potty training process, you will stop and think, What the hell am I doing?!
Hopefully, it’s before you’ve recorded and posted your poop rap on YouTube.
5. You give a whole new meaning to the term “potty mouth.”
During the potty training process, it’s like your conversation is always tuned to 99.9 POOP FM. You will find it almost impossible to go more than a few hours without the words “pee-pee” or “poo-poo” from exiting your mouth.
For the sake of all others around you, please remember that no one — I repeat no one — wants to hear about how close Timmy came to going “wee-wee” in the “flushie hole.”
It will take the patience of a saint, the dedication of an Olympic athlete, and maybe even a couple strong cocktails. But the time is near. It may be a long and tedious process, but it is finally time to hand over the reins to your little one and renounce your title as “designated tush wiper.”