The Universal Birthday Party – Scary Mommy

The Universal Birthday Party

If you have a child in elementary school, then you have most likely have entered birthday party hell.

Between Numbers 3, 4, and 5, I know that for the next eight months, we will be at Chuck E. Cheese, or Fun Factor, or Gymnastics Spectrum, or a bowling alley every weekend.

So I came up with an idea to make all of our lives easier.

Instead of spending the next 36 Saturday or Sunday afternoons celebrating the birthday of some kid who you’ve never even met, I propose the Universal Birthday Party.


It will be held on the first Saturday of every month from 4-6PM.  Usually most baseball/basketball/soccer games are done by then.  And it’s after naptime, if your kid still takes a nap.

You always know the time, so you can easily arrange for a babysitter for your other kids.  And you don’t need to send out any invitations.  You just show up at 4:00, and check the list of who has a birthday that month when you get there.

The location of the party will rotate on a monthly basis:  September — the YMCA, October — Pizza Garden,  November — Chuck E. Cheese, December — Tumble Jungle, etc…

You will contribute $300 to the UBP account and receive a UBP card.  Every time you attend a party, you swipe your card, and your account is debited.  This debit includes $5 which will go toward the birthday child’s gift:  a universal, big-ass gift card.

No more repeat gifts.  No more too-small clothes.  No more rushing around a half hour before the party trying to figure out what to buy for some kid you don’t even know.

Now if your child has ever been on the swim team, then you know that they get ribbons for the events they swim in at dual meets.  There is a table at the meet where a few volunteers sit and fill out the ribbons so the kids can take them home at the end of the meet.

The UBP will have a similar setup for thank you cards.  Those mothereffers will be written and distributed before the party is even over.


Goody bags are not covered under this plan. In fact, they are strictly prohibited.

No more spending hundreds of dollars on a bunch of shit that’s going to either get lost or broken before your kid even gets back home.

You’re welcome for that.

Now go enjoy your next two birthday party-free weekends.  I’ll see you on November 3rd at Chuck E. Cheese.

Related post: Top 10 Worst Birthday Party Parents