You and your significant other have been together for a while now, long enough for the sweet anticipation of guessing who your Valentine is going to be to wear off just a bit.
You already know who the girl is—she’s the woman washing your underpants and getting up in the middle of the night with your children when you are fake-sleeping. She’s the one who knows how you like your eggs and tries to make them that way. She listens to you snore and smells your stinky morning breath every day. She quite possibly ruined her body for your genetic material to be passed on to the world. You owe her.
Perhaps you’ve read list upon list of Valentine’s Day ideas. I’m here to tell you that there are many ways you can go wrong on this special day. Here are some helpful steps to follow when planning Valentine’s Day for that special woman whose ass you pinch most days:
Don’t make her a coupon for “One Hour of Bob’s Love Massage.” She knows that this means a 15 minute butt rub, and then all of a sudden it’s not clear who this gift was really for.
Do take her gently by the hand and walk her to the car, hand her a gift certificate for a spa day, and wave goodbye as she sheds tears of joy driving away from all of you. This is what love really looks like.
Don’t buy expensive jewelry if you are bad at picking out jewelry. Really, don’t.
Do buy expensive underwear. But not underwear that is crotchless or edible, or have unreasonable expectations attached to them. Look in her drawer first, find her size, go online, and order something that won’t make her want to murder someone if worn for more than 30 minutes.
Don’t buy chocolate. She knows how to buy chocolate, and it’s possible that she is telling herself that she isn’t eating chocolate right now—at least until all of a sudden she decides to eat all of the chocolate in the house, and then she will hate you if there is more than the normal amount of chocolate in the house.
Do buy flowers. Flowers are colorful and cheap, and you can’t eat them when you are PMS-ing. If you’re a weirdo who hates flowers, maybe a nice houseplant or a silk bouquet will do the trick?
Don’t buy some cheesy his and hers shirt/mug/necklace.This is because if you go out in public with any of these things on together, people are required to make fun of you behind your backs.
Do something unexpected. Longtime partnerships are pretty predictable, so shaking things up is a great way to let her know that you are trying. Trying is really all we ask for.
Don’t ever buy anything that you can buy in the housewares department at Target, like aprons, blenders, vacuum cleaners or ironing boards—unless you really like the feeling of cuddling up to your couch cushions.
Do buy a housecleaner for a day. This will be the best money you will ever spend. Trust me, this gift just keeps on giving—to you, your children, the world.
Nobody wants to feel like an ass on Valentine’s Day. Let’s work together to make this Hallmark holiday as much of a success as possible.