1. You find yourself willingly holding a living creature that you would usually run away from screaming.
2. A girl makes eyes at your son and you have this weird urge to pull her aside and call her a “slut” (whether she’s 6 or 16).
3. You have an unhealthy knowledge of the point/gem system for Temple Run, Dragonvale, Bakugan, Plants vs. Zombies, Cube Runner …
4. You can’t muster the brain power to recall what you ate for breakfast, yet you can inherently transform a Transformer (without the 30 pages of directions it came with).
5. You bought a car based solely on how much equipment you could fit in the trunk.
6. Your child asks you to marry him and you’re totally considering it.
7. You know what a Ripstik is and you’re not afraid to use it.
8. You spend much of your days in a fog of fart odor and some of it is proudly yours. (What? How else can you impress your male offspring?)
9. A little penis seems to be constantly whizzing by (well, let’s hope that’s your sons).
10. You’ve actually placed yourself under a tree with the feeling that, if that kiddo loses footing you’ll at least be there to break his fall.
11. You know the pain of stepping on a Lego … and may in fact, have one imbedded somewhere in your body right now.
12. There’s a finger in your eye, your ear, or up your nose and it’s not yours.
13. You understand what I mean when I say “bleacher butt,” as in, “My sits bones are literally numb, I have bleacher butt.”
14. There’s a rogue Bey Blade in your purse.
15. You’ve found yourself saying things like, “No, you can’t ride the dog.” and “Yes, you do have to keep your pants on in public.”
16. You’ve had in depth conversations about who would win in multiple variations of match-ups involving Spider-Man, Iron Man, Captain America, X-Men, Daddy …
17. You can’t wait until he’s old enough to watch Airplane, The Naked Gun, Caddy Shack, Vacation, Fletch, The Three Amigos…
18. Though you claim to be an absolute pacifist, you’ve had a talk that involved you urging, “Sometimes you gotta push back.”
19. You’ve considered leashing your son at a theme park and he’s 12.
20. You’re on a first name basis with the orderlies at the ER who provide slings, splints, casts, and those velcro boots.
21. You may have shamefully thought, “It wouldn’t be so bad if he married an orphan.”
22. At some point you notice the change in smell from “OMG sooo sweet” to “Get that tween some AXE.”
23. You can use your keyboard, phone, iPad, but there’s a good chance your fingers will get stuck to it.
24. You can’t find a single pair of pants without holes in the knees.
25. There’s a love you feel for your son that’s too great and sometimes too scary to fully explain or even comprehend.