My husband is the single least selfish person I know. He is ridiculously generous and thoughtful to everyone he knows. It’s actually quite unbelievable. Except, when it comes to ice cream. Where frozen confection is concerned, he’s one selfish mother fucker.
Let’s begin with the box: Rather than soften ice cream on the counter like a normal person, he insists on microwaving the carton each and every time. Not just enough to make it easy to scoop, but to make it half liquid. A soupy, sloppy, pourable mess. The result is a container of freezer-burned mush by the second consumption.
Bowl? Never. Cup? Cone? Nope. A single spoon is dipped again and again, between multiple flavors. I’ve found bits of peanut butter ice cream mixed into the mint chip. Cherry doesn’t combine well with caramel ice cream, unless it’s on top of a sundae and I prefer my health bar without a tinge of strawberry. Personally.
It’s no surprise that he’s also a picker. I will confess to picking out toppings mercilessly myself. I will even confess to picking out toppings from the commercial tubs while working at an ice cream store over the summer when I was a teenager. (The shop is long gone, so don’t bother calling the board of health.) However, I do have the courtesy to trash ice cream once there is clearly nothing to hunt for. I have found gallons here, with nothing but an inch of soupy, topping-less vanilla skimming the bottom. Who on earth wants to eat that?
The above photograph is actual evidence provided to me courtesy of my brother. We stayed at his place last weekend en route home from a week away. My husband, unable to resist the animal urge for chocolate, made himself a bit too at home with Ben & Jerry’s Half Baked. Matt called me, incredulous. That’s Jeff, I replied, unfazed. Sorry. At least now you know better than to eat ice cream at our house.
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{ 33 comments… read them below or add one }
My ex and I used to call it “mining”. Whenever we had a good flavor like prailines n cream we’d declare “No Mining!” Good times.
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I’m cracking up. Sounds like me, only I don’t do the micro. I do the counter thing. Not too soupy, just softer. And I love Ben & Jerry’s brownie chunk…mmmmmmm.
That is gross… but now having read it I’m craving some…
Maybe you could hide the ice cream from him at the back of the freezer? Or disguise the tubs with fake labels? That stuff needs to be protected!
Lady Mama’s last blog post..When did I become a sucker for tacky movie merchandise?
Great post gonna have to participate. What your hubby does is sacrilege. No one should defame ice cream in that manner. It’s scary. So, feel free to send all of your freezer burned leftovers my way. I’ll take ice cream any way I can get it. I’m kinda gross like that! Oh, and thanks for the Friendly’s tip I love free stuff:)
We always micorwaved the ice cream, but only until it was soft to scoop, not soupy.
I have a scheduled post for Flashback Friday, woo hoo!
E’s last blog post..No Boys Allowed
love this post! i am a self proclaimed selfish ice cream eater. but i don’t do crazy crap like that! i just like my own personal sized ben and jerry’s and i want everyone to keep their paws off!!!!
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I am so glad my husband doesn’t nuke the ice cream. Although, when he makes himself a bowl, he likes to put milk in it. Yuck! Way to get me to not snake a bite I guess…
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Erg…If your husband befouled my ice cream like that, I’d have to give him a good talking to (no matter how nice he is).
Lynn from For Love or Funny’s last blog post..The sky is falling
I am a selfish ice cream eater, but I use a bowl/mug atleast! LOL
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Thank you – I will NEVER ask for ice cream at your house! :-)
I am now really craving ice cream – though we don’t buy those gallons – I insist on getting it straight from baskin robbins. A sundae might be calling my name today!
Have a great weekend!
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I always used to stir ice cream until it melted and then called it “medicine.”
We hunt for the marshmellows in the Lucky Charms – they’ve “magically” disappeared!
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My hubby does the same thing! Except he doesn’t nuke it, he just eats it right out of the carton…which is why I buy him his own carton when I get groceries, so he can leave my ice cream alone. ;)
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I love any post that puts the words “husband” and “mother fucker” together in the same sentence.
I’m so glad we agree – microwaving over and over is just gross! And I’ll ditto a few others, I think I’ll be taking the kids for ice cream today! … Just not at your house. ;)
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I am CR-AAAA-VING ice cream now! I can’t believe I never thought to stick it in the microwave! Works with butter, why not ice cream? ;) Mmm… anyway – so funny! So very funny. I used to stir rapidly to get my ice cream all soft. Yum. Also? Do not even think about sharing even one kernal of my popcorn. I’m not selfish either, (like your husband) except when it comes to popcorn. I will freak out if you touch my popcorn!
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Your brother has my sympathies! That is just gross!!! Why not have him get his own ice cream and label it? I have to admit I’m not really an ice cream eater, but I am a grem freak.
Substitute “wine” for “ice cream,” and I’m a bit of a selfish mofo myself.
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Now I want some ice cream.
I have some mint chocolate brownie in the freezer. That sounds like a tasty breakfast, actually…
Though I won’t be microwaving it. I set it on the counter. But one time I DID forget about it and the ice cream melted. I still ate it. Couldn’t let it go to waste, you see..
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THERE ARE NO ICECREAM RULES!!! lol…that really is pretty disgusting though.
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eeewwww. I sure won’t come over for ice cream at your house….
Unless I bring my own. I’ll take the first serving then your (usually un-)selfish mother fucker can have the rest! No microwaving mine though.
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hee hee – I stick the tubs in the microwave too! Only b/c I have weak wrists though – i can’t scoop it out! Plus, I really don’t like the brain freeze!!
Wow. Yeah. I’m never eating ice cream at your place. Lol.
For my husband, it’s dinner. He will always make enough for him. And him alone. So if he makes dinner, I get a helping, and then he’s PISSED that he’s still hungry. This has really only become worse because the longer I’m pregnant and the greater my appetite, the more likely I am to go back for seconds. And if there aren’t any, then I’m FURIOUS. Because then I have to go make extra food and he’ll get all “but you didn’t make enough for me.”
That’s because you didn’t make enough for me, darling.
How many times do I have to say “make more than you think is necessary?” Honestly, we go through this ALL THE TIME.
lol about only mom reading. i’ve been blogging for two years and my mom only just subscribed this week.
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Note to self: never eat ice cream at Jill’s house. Check. Also, hide ice cream if Jill’s husband comes for a visit. Double Check.
Ok. I should be safe now. Because you know we’ve got the Blue Bell here in Texas. The best freakin’ ice cream ever. Like, in the whole world of ice cream.
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I love me some ice cream! I so need some now.
New York Super Fudge Chunk – one spoon…and a napkin, please!
tell your husband to dip the spoon into a cup of hot water to loosen the packed deliciousness!
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Oh, that would drive me insane! I don’t mind the double dipping and the picking, but the microwaving and refreezing would NOT work for me.
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He microwaves the whole carton?? Oh boy. By the authority given me by the fact that I come from the Land of Gelati, I command him to stop! Or, you know, I could make you my deputy, Italian-by-proxy and YOU could command him to stop. ’cause he’d probably tell me to go take a hike. Maybe even fling spoons of picked-over, half-melted ice cream at me.
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The evidence speaks for itself. Maybe you should label the cartons and he can eat his and you can eat yours.
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Hey, a guy has to have his vices! I’m with you brother.
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That would totally drive me nuts! The whole melting, refreezing.. germ thing on the spoon thing.
Tracy
The Crazy Suburban Mom’s last blog post..Put your sunny side up
One of the only perks of marrying someone who have completely opposite dessert preferences. Our ice cream cartons are separate. No offensive flavors invade my favorites.
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I make homemade ice cream. If someone treated it like that, they wouldn’t get any more. With storebought ice cream, it’s easier to buy small cartons for someone who … enjoys ice cream differently.
Ice cream recipes are here, along with some other foods:
http://ysabetwordsmith.livejournal.com/tag/recipe
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now, that’s just plain gross. if my husband ever did that, he’d be sleeping out on the street. yeah, you heard me…not on the couch. out on the street! as for nuking the ice cream? it’s supposed to be eaten cold, not slushy. why dont he just get one of those soft-serves?
sorry, this is a subject close to my heart :)
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