Jill Smokler, AKA Scary Mommy
Latest posts by Jill Smokler, AKA Scary Mommy (see all)
- Taking Back What’s Ours - June 19, 2013
- Dear Judgy Mothers on My Website… - June 15, 2013
- 10 Skills Every Mother Should Possess - June 10, 2013
My name is Lori Stefanac and I live in Charlotte, NC with my husband and 3 boys. I am both a writer and a cartoonist at Lola is 40. Having no formal training in either area, also makes me somewhat of a liar. So, I’m a writer, a cartoonist, and a liar. That’s my background. And Lola? She is my alter ego. The biggest difference between us is that she never has a bad hair day and she has the ability to say things that I cannot or will not. She’s quite uninhibited that way. I’m a bit more polite. A bit.
So, unlike many moms that I envy, I am NOT a gardener.
At all.
I don’t know a daffodil from a dandelion…
Actually, I am pretty sure I have the polar opposite of a green thumb…
the “Thumb of Death”.
But I DO know that my yard needs work.
I figure I can at least do some simple weeding to clean it up, right?
You’d think so.
I start in the front yard under our willow tree.
Wow. Lots of weeds.
I start pulling.
Some come out easily root and all.
Go me!
Most do not.
I am getting frustrated as weed after weed snap in my hand leaving the root firmly planted in the ground.
Several of the weeds are so thick that I am literally pulling using all of my weight, leaning WAY back until inevitably…
SNAP!
I am on my ass.
I’m sure it would be funny if someone was watching.
CRAP!…
Someone was watching.
After being tossed on my ass for the third time, I look up to find a short, tan, sweaty (and clearly amused) man peering down at me.
He and his crew have been doing some kind of work across the street in my neighbors’ backyard for weeks now, although I don’t know what.
I didn’t want to ask them and appear nosey.
I was just waiting for the time to be right…in other words the house to be empty… to trespass over there and see for myself.
Because I’m not nosey.
“You trying to get the weeds out?”
No shit Sherlock.
“Yeah. Some of these suckers just don’t want to come out”
Then Master of the Obvious tells me, “You know, you got to get ‘em by the root”.
“Um, thanks. I know. I was trying to do that”
At this point I get up off my ass and dust myself off.
“Yeah” he continues, “you have a lot of weeds under the pine needles. It looks like someone didn’t rake the leaves or pull weeds and just dumped pine needles on top.”
This would be exactly why we fired the last guy.
“Yeah. That’s pretty much what he did. He doesn’t work for us anymore” I tell him.
“Well, my company’s going to be across the street for a few more days. We are building a pool for your neighbors.”
Ahh, mystery solved.
Probably a good thing too.
I still wasn’t sure how I was going to quiet my neighbors’ dogs when I hopped their fence.
“…but we would be happy to help you clean up your yard.” he says.
Pool builders AND landscapers! Way to diversify!
Kinda like the Dry Cleaner/Fortune teller up the street.
I refrain from kissing him smack on the lips because I am clearly not cut out for yard maintenance and I need a hero to save me from manual labor.
I am also in dire need of a manicure but I refrain from telling him so.
And there can be no doubt about my lack of gardening skills, after this gentleman adds,
“I saw you pulling THESE out. They aren’t weeds. They just need pruning. They’re for ground coverage.”
I now feel both foolish and wasteful.
And foolish.
“The vines?” he gestures, “they are going to creep up the tree and should be pulled.”
I itch.
Stupid nature.
Stupid bugs.
Stupid prickles on 95% of the weeds that didn’t want to go down without a fight and are taunting me as we speak.
“oh” I say.
I know. Brilliant and insightful.
But I have nothing to contribute.
I have already shown how skilled I am in nature with my three consecutive “ass plants” and can’t really redeem myself at this point.
By the way, did you see how I played on the word ‘plant’ that has been used as a noun until now, when I decided to use it as a verb?
I am so geniusy at word play.
Maybe you can give me your business card?” I venture.
“Sure” he tells me, “I’ll put it in your mailbox later. Don’t have one on me right now”.
I want to ask him to just pull a couple of the tree trunk thick weeds that continue to mock me and dare me to try.
I can hear them whispering,
“you want a piece of ME?”
But they will have to wait…
until I can find an axe…
or paid labor…
The guy starts walking away and I thank him for coming over and giving me his advice.
“You’re welcome” he says. And by the way?” he adds as almost an afterthought…
“You’re holding poison ivy”
{ 50 comments… read them below or add one }
Great morning laugh–thanks! As much as we love our little plots of suburban bliss I often wonder how much easier it would be to just live in a condo. And thank you for rubbing in the fact that I am supposed to be outside trimming my roses instead of hiding inside on the computer. But I don’t want the sweat, bug bites, or scratches right now.
Better go look up poison ivy (three leaves?) before the kids or even worse the husband gets into it…
Cheers. VB
It always looks so appealing when I see women in their yards with their little floral gloves, spades and sunhats, but the truth is it’s REALLY hard work that just sucks.
Mother Nature can be quite the comedienne!
Or a bitch. Either one works.
Just laughed SO hard! Hope you didn’t end up with a bad rash.
I think the man wrong, because I never got a rash. One should probably never take gardening advice from the pool guy
That was supposed to be the man ” was ” wrong. Oops.
Loved this! I loved gardening…once upon a time, now…not so much! I chose the condo!
I’m just plain BAD at it… Not to mention I have an aversion to back breaking labor.
Yeah I hate gardening, I hate worms, ewwww….my hubby does it…thank god, and the bare minimum at that!
My husband does all of the lawn care ” in theory”. I fail to see how his theory is getting rid of weeds. So far he just mows now and then. My house looks like it’s sitting in the Everglades!
YEAH LOLA’S BACK!!!
I don’t know whether to laugh or cry because this is ME! I got yelled at because I was going to hack down the 3 foot weeds in my back yard. Turns out they were poppies… Google it, the damn things look like weeds until the flowers bloom!
I too have the black thumb of death, although I’m attempting a vegetable garden. Here’s a few things I don’t get:
1) why does the thumb of death only work on things I want to live and not on the weeds?
2) why do the snails eat my zucchini but not the weeds that are over taking said zucchini?
3) why wont anyone let me pave over my grass? I don’t understand this obsession with grass. I grew up overseas we didn’t have grass and I grew up to be a slightly normal human being.
Thanks for the morning laugh!
I love the way the grass, shrubs and trees look, as well as the flowers… I just don’t want to do the work to get them! I can see the looks on my neighbors faces if I just covered everything up with concrete!!
hahaha…and that’s why i quit gardening. After 3 cases of poison oak and a few z-packs while i scratched my skin off i said “to hell with it” and hired someone to keep stuff alive. and also kill stuff. hopefully the proper stuff.
too funny… perhaps its NC! I live in Greensboro
Lynn, I didn’t realize we were neighbors! So do you have a good lawn guy? Clearly I can use one!
This is why men should always take care of the yards.
Absolutely! While I direct from the deck where I am sunbathing and sipping on ice tea. Okay, Rhode Island iced tea.
That was supposed to be Long Island iced tea. I shouldnt post while drunk.
Great ending. Good writer. Good thing my backyard is Prospect Park in Brooklyn. They do the upkeep, though I never see any landscapers there. Hmm…
Glad you enjoyed my little post!
I don’t mind the gardening so much. I just don’t like the heat, and it is totally freaking hot outside right now.
PS I went over and checked out your blog. I think I’ve finally met someone that has more random trains of thought than I do. Cool.
I am totally random… And I’ve been called rude as well. But if that’s your thing? We’re gonna get along great!
that.was.AWESOME! But seriously, I only live about 20 mins south of you and how can you stand to be outside working in your yard in this HEAT?? I love to garden but right now, Sweet iced tea, Rhode Island iced tea, Long Island iced tea…they all sound so much better.
I can’t stand it! And clearly I suck at it. The work is just way too…what’s the word? HARD! I am not cut out for hard work. Now hard liquor? That I can handle.
I can’t stand it and clearly I suck at it!! Hard work? Not my thing. Hard liquor? Now THAT I can handle.
I am No longer even attempting any lawn care. Clearly I suck at it and it’s just too.., what’s the word? HARD! I am not a big fan of hard work. Now hard liquor? That I can handle.
LOL! This sounds just like me! We gave up and hired a lawn guy. :-)
Trying to convince my husband to hire someone as well. I give him until the end of this summer to cave.
Haha! I don’t have the thumb of death, but I don’t know as much as I wish I did! The poison ivy thing? That could have totally been me!
Luckily nothing came of it. I actually Googled photo of poison ivy after my conversation with the pool/landscape specialist (said with sarcasm). Turns out he can’t identify poison ivy either.
It was so embarrassing, although I think the pool guy was wrong because I never got a rash. Imagine that…the pool guy being wrong about gardening ;)
Some people aren’t affected by poison ivy. I’m lucky that way. I can also handle poison oak too. But mosquitos…I’m like a magnet for them.
I have no green thumb either, but oddly, a desire to have a garden. But my hubby works for Home Depot, so he knows who to ask for help! We’ll see how we manage….
Umm… Can I have your husband’s contact information?
Sure! You live in Washington state? (I’m kidding. Pretty sure you don’t.)
OMG awesomely funny!!!! and yeah i have the black thumb of death..its sad really..can’t even grow weeds..its that bad..love lola btw..shes all kinds of AWESOME!
Yay for loving Lola! Thank you! I am really good at growing weeds. They are presently engulfing my house. The hubster better get on that.
I love Lola! So excited to see you on Scary Mommy, Lori! I laughed the first time I heard this story, but still chuckled at the ending.
Shhhhhh! No one else knows I’ve posted this before! You’re blowing my cover! ;)
Love it! I have a very nice, lush, tropical garden. It’s a maintenance-free as possible. NOBODY likes to weed…
That’s what I need…maintenance free! Sign me up for one of those! The only high maintenance thing in my house should be me!
Lola, I think you’re my long lost sister. I hate gardening. Have no desire to learn. And feel like an idiot when my neighbors are all making stuff pretty and the best I can do is…well…nothing.
I can make PLENTY of pretty stuff…by hiring people to do it for me. I take great pride in the fact that I know which people to hire for which job! Not just anyone can supervise, you know!
Yay, weeds. There are so many of us out there who have no business owning yards and pretending like we know how to actually care for them. I’m with you….
Thanks! Glad to know I’m not the only one who hates yardwork! I’m done pretending. Back into the air conditioning I go!
Loved the end. Hilarious. I too have no idea what are weeds vs plants and need a helpful gardener/poolman to guide me!!
I suggest a gardener who doesn’t “dabble” in building pools on the side. I mean, who let’s a person talk on and on and doesn’t mention that she’s holding poison ivy? Rude.
Good point, you’d think that’d be the very first thing you’d mention!
When I was dating my now husband, he went to help his mother clear her property of some overgrowth. The place was thick with ticks and stuff and when he got a huge rash on his belly and arms. He swore up and down that he had lime disease. (hint, don’t google this for images.) Turns out it was just poison ivy. Now anything that looks like a vine he gives a wide berth to.
I’m with him! I was convinced I was going to be covered in poison ivy, not the mention ticks, fleas, and other creepy crawlers. Oh, the mental anguish! I won’t try this again.