{Alternatively titled: The nastiest picture of my daughter you will ever see. I pray.}
Last week, we sold the changing table that we’ve used for all three nurseries. As the young couple walked out with it, rosy with the excitement that can only come from expecting your first child, my husband pulled aside the stranger-man and passed on to him some wisdom. Birth, he whispered, is the grossest thing ever. Just to warn you.
The poor guy looked both terrified and intrigued. Perhaps, unlike us, he actually attended birthing classes and knew what he was in store for. Or, maybe he was just as naive as we were, who knows. For Jeff, every delivery room occurrence came as a surprise. A very gross one.
Aside from my constant vomiting and complaints of constipation, I think I managed to remain as ungross as possible for most of the nine months I was pregnant. Sure, my skin had some issues and I gained ten pounds alone thanks to a massive Nutella craving, but I wasn’t that bad. Once I lost my mucous plug, though? All bets were off. Bring on the gross.
It began when Jeff was spooning me in the hospital bed. My labor was slow and the nurse had just broken my water. A few minutes later, along with amniotic fluid, the entire contents of my bladder were emptied. All over my husband. Honestly, it was oddly liberating– it’s kind of a pain running to the bathroom all the time. It also was great preparation for what else my system voided itself of during the active part of labor. Thank goodness for attentive nurses.
The whole labor and delivery thing is straight out of a sci-fi flick— the iodine they coat you in before delivery? Yuck. The stuff oozing out of your boobs? The tearing? The placenta, for crying out loud? It doesn’t get much nastier than that slimy thing. Post delivery is just as bad– the ginormous maxi-pads, the scarring, the sitz baths, the massive bleeding and clotting— I swear I thought I was dying each and every time.
But the result? It goes without saying that it’s all worth it.
In a few months, I mean.
Previous post: Big Brother & Little Brother
Next post: A Reptile Birthday Party
{ 94 comments }
← Previous Comments
I envision your description of childbirth…pretty much what its going to be. BUT last week on Keeping up with the Kardashians made childbirth seem like a piece of cake. I know it was edited for TV and I was kind of annoyed with how “easy” they made it seem. Its very misleading for women who are not moms.
I’m 4 months pregnant with my first, thank you for painting the lovely picture!! At least someone gives it to me truthfully!!
.-= McCall´s last blog ..Great News Everyone =-.
So glad I took childbirth classes, gave birth surrounded by super-experienced midwives & cheering friends in a beautiful free-standing birth center (1st 2), and homebirth. Intense, but not humiliating.
This was FANTASTIC!
.-= Desiree´s last blog ..The Art of Facebook Fighting =-.
I think my husband was in shock and has since forgotten all the gore of childbirth. Funny how no one tells you about the giant maxi pads when you’re pregnant…
.-= Sara — The Football Wife´s last blog ..Babycakes Reads Across America! =-.
Yep, I am right with ya Jen, never even went into labor and it was really nice to avoid the nasty tearing and bloody whatnot. Did lose 2 liters of blood in surgery because of a large uterine fibroid…that caused some pretty bad nausea and tachycardia and the itchy c-section scar was not fun, but when they handed me my angelic little 5 and 1/2 pound perfect little peanut boy, I almost felt guilty for not having a single labor pain. Well, actually I did go into premature labor…at 16 weeks. He is our miracle boy and we can’t have any more kids which is the way it is supposed to be and fine by me. Just grateful for the pregnancy experience and having our precious little guy in our lives.
.-= OilGirl´s last blog ..UCLA Study On Friendship Among Women =-.
oh,yes…good old days. i can imagine my husband lost at the grocery, trying to find those pads. lol.
.-= cheri´s last blog ..during the middle of the afternoon =-.
Thanks for this — I’m about to head into the delivery room again in 2.5 weeks or so and I needed the reminder that everyone has a gross experience. Seriously, this was a good reminder and in a really odd way, made me even more excited to get it over with and welcome our new baby girl.
And yes, I know I keep saying we’ll hang out/do lunch but it’s been a sickness filled winter over here and now I’m just too stressed out with trying to get the room ready for two kids…
I’ll contact you in late April! :)
.-= Rachel´s last blog ..Frog and Toad and Nana =-.
I was completely unprepared for the giant maxi-pads and all the gunk that they necessitated. I wish I had read a blog like yours before giving birth the first time! ^FM
.-= Fran Magbual´s last blog ..Family Stories from the Winter Olympics =-.
So cool to see the “before and after” photos. I posted similar pics on my papa blog yesterday for Wordless Wednesday. Child birth…wow. I have incredible respect for my wife after seeing that happen, twice in one night; twins. You think you’re worn out after pushing one out? Here comes Baby B. Get ready to push AGAIN. Grossest and most beautiful thing I have ever seen.
.-= Stacey Robinsmith´s last blog ..“This Too Shall Pass” =-.
When my daughter was only weeks old one of my former teachers from high school approached me and told me that being a parents feels like a ripoff at first. You feed this baby, you wipe it’s butt, etc and you feel like you’re getting nothing back because they can’t return affection, they don’t say thank you, and they cry all the time.
“just when you’re ready to get your refund… they smile.”
It is worth it. It just doesn’t feel like it until after those first two months. Haha. I completely get you.
After my fifth and final baby 21 months ago, the night nurse decided to come in at 3am and clean my vagina. True Story.
Um—no. I’m a veteran. I gave birth to triplets.
Lets just say that nurse never saw the day or night of my vagina again. The End.
Your baby is absolutely gorgeous, by the way.
I swear as much as I say I am going to bury my hand in the next snow storm, I thank God every day I had the sense to have my tubes tied. I was so be in trouble by now.
.-= The Grasshoppa: Triplet Plus Two Momma´s last blog ..The Twilight Zone =-.
So, your saying my wife probably *won’t* want me to post the delivery to my blog?
Wrath66.com – Now with more baby sh*t™
.-= Wrath66´s last blog ..Honey, Don’t Bother Daddy. I’m Too Busy Building Your Brand. =-.
THIS IS THE EXACT reason why I had 3 CSects!!!
.-= Tiaras & Tantrums´s last blog ..Hot Locks Dolls Review and Giveaway =-.
← Previous Comments
Comments on this entry are closed.