{Alternatively titled: The nastiest picture of my daughter you will ever see. I pray.}
Last week, we sold the changing table that we’ve used for all three nurseries. As the young couple walked out with it, rosy with the excitement that can only come from expecting your first child, my husband pulled aside the stranger-man and passed on to him some wisdom. Birth, he whispered, is the grossest thing ever. Just to warn you.
The poor guy looked both terrified and intrigued. Perhaps, unlike us, he actually attended birthing classes and knew what he was in store for. Or, maybe he was just as naive as we were, who knows. For Jeff, every delivery room occurrence came as a surprise. A very gross one.
Aside from my constant vomiting and complaints of constipation, I think I managed to remain as ungross as possible for most of the nine months I was pregnant. Sure, my skin had some issues and I gained ten pounds alone thanks to a massive Nutella craving, but I wasn’t that bad. Once I lost my mucous plug, though? All bets were off. Bring on the gross.
It began when Jeff was spooning me in the hospital bed. My labor was slow and the nurse had just broken my water. A few minutes later, along with amniotic fluid, the entire contents of my bladder were emptied. All over my husband. Honestly, it was oddly liberating– it’s kind of a pain running to the bathroom all the time. It also was great preparation for what else my system voided itself of during the active part of labor. Thank goodness for attentive nurses.
The whole labor and delivery thing is straight out of a sci-fi flick— the iodine they coat you in before delivery? Yuck. The stuff oozing out of your boobs? The tearing? The placenta, for crying out loud? It doesn’t get much nastier than that slimy thing. Post delivery is just as bad– the ginormous maxi-pads, the scarring, the sitz baths, the massive bleeding and clotting— I swear I thought I was dying each and every time.
But the result? It goes without saying that it’s all worth it.
In a few months, I mean.
{ 94 comments… read them below or add one }
I’m sure it wasn’t the last time he got peed on – though hopefully it was the last time by you.
P.S. No, birthing class doesn’t necessarily tell you how messy gross it will be. I think my sister is still traumatized!
Cranky Sarah´s last blog ..My attempt at smokey eyes
I love birth stories. And once again I’m so happy I didn’t have to go through any of that. Thank God for csections.
Jennifer´s last blog ..Memory Lapse
Giving birth is the nastiest thing possible. With the constant leaking, pooing on the table [oh yeah, that happened to me] and having a woman cleaning me up after I gave birth makes me want to vomit thinking about it. Could you imagine having THAT job? I remember wondering what this random woman was doing just standing in the room while I gave birth but then she swiftly stepped in after my doctor was done stitching me up [again, another wonder of birth] and started cleaning. Um, thank you?
No, I CANNOT imagine having that job. The joy of holding a baby during its first moments of life would be far overshadowed by having to wipe shit off of the delivery table. No, thank you!
I’m a labor & Delivery nurse and there are definetley gross things about our job but I promise to be an L & D nurse you have a true passion for your job and the amazing miracle that it is overshadows the nasty stuff lol
I’m so glad there are plenty of people like you in the world! L & D nurses are the BEST.
Oh dear me…. My husband is all but begging me, but this terrifies me.
It is SO worth it. And so, so amazing. In a science project kind of way. :)
Great post! I love the fact that the husband got a little preview of the fun to come! I too lost all modesty when I was in the delivery room, surprising even myself when I allowed not only my husband and mom to get a first-hand view, but my sister, mother-in-law and sister-in-law too. I think both girls are still traumatized, but I came out feeling like a rock star. : )
Doing the Mom thing´s last blog ..She’s Still My Baby
I never would have allowed anyone in the first time. By the third? Eh, the pizza delivery could have watched.
You are soooo right. It is the grossest thing ever. It was extra nice of your husband to warn stranger-man. I mean that with all sincerity. Maybe if more men knew how gross it was and were prepared for it, less men would pass out!
Shawntel´s last blog ..New Feature Over At "Tales from the Trail"
Absolutely worth it Jill. I am a little jealous of that couple! The first time especially was gross, yes, but absolutely amazing to see that little baby! With Violet I asked to see the placenta because I didn’t see it before – it is so gross but the way it works is SO cool. I guess by the third I was ready to have the doctor show me how the nasty thing works.
If you want to be even more grossed out by placentas though – google a Lotus Birth. Holy Crap!
You made some beautiful babies!
p.s. Love the new look! Did you upgrade your Thesis?
Brittany at Mommy Words´s last blog ..Run to the Sun…and Enjoy the Rain
Totally! Lily was the only REALLY gross one for me.
Thanks! I’m just playing around with the layout. I get bored easily. :)
This society has truly warped our view about birth that someone could write “I love birth stories. And once again I’m so happy I didn’t have to go through any of that. Thank God for csections.” Is this because someone else had to do the clean up?? Wow…just…wow
I thought it was a funny comment.
Well thanks for that gentle reminder….11 weeks to go.
Keyona´s last blog ..Have You Seen A Happier Kid?
Ain’t it the truth. So SO worth it.
But if anyone had an inkling of a doubt, that could have sent them over the edge. lol
Lori´s last blog ..Death and Taxes
OMG. True words!!! This is all SO fresh to me since Benjamin (great name, btw!) is only 3 and half months now.
Lest we forget the hemorrhoids. (Good lord, the freakin’ HEMORRHOIDS!) Why didn’t anyone tell me I’d feel like I’d have boulders coming out of my butt for an entire month? (TMI, sorry!)
Robin´s last blog ..Monday’s Muse: Under Cover
I must have blocked them out!!! Those are the worst!!!
As someone who really looked forward to that gross, nasty ookieness but got scammed into a c-section (then forced into 3 more totally against my will & through the grace of b/c failures :-D) I think even the grossest parts are still pretty much ok. Not ok-hearing the nurses who’ve just done your swab count say “Damn, this one sure wasa hell of a bleeder” because they think you’re too out of it to hear. At least you didn’t take your placenta home & fry it up for a meal or plant it in the yeard. Yeah, that really happens. Thanks for keeping it real :-)
When I had a c-section w/my oldest son, I remember hearing the nurses saying, “wow, this was a hairy one” speaking of my pubic hair. Ahhh, thank you ladies. As if I wasn’t feeling exposed and vulnerable already.
Awwwww!!! What a sweetheart. So worth the agony. I totally remember throwing all modesty out the window when I went into labor for the first time. It was very humbling.
Mama Kat´s last blog ..Free Tilicum
hahahahah so right you are! I swear to god I thought my second (my son) was walking out of me…..Nope he just decided to look up and wink on his way out. OMG I tore like 3 different places and things will never be the same! I never remembered the after process with my daughter because dear god I had no pain relief even when the episiotomy happened that I swear I blocked it all out. But I do recall the “cleaner” lady that you refer to with my son and the matresses they call pads! Then the pain after the epi wore off and that lovely numbing spray ahhhhh
It’s worth it – I know… just wish I wasn’t eating while reading this.
P to the S –> love the new layout.
mrs.notouching´s last blog ..Because…
Opps– sorry about that. :P
Love this post!!
Stephanie @ Geezees´s last blog ..Funky Finds Friday, Millicent & Metal – New weekly feature !
You’ll find this hard to believe, but because I had a c-section, I didn’t get to experience any of that particular grossness, and it makes me sad. Maybe I’ll be luckier if and when there’s a next time…and then I’ll wonder why the hell I couldn’t just stick with surgery.
amber´s last blog ..The Life of a Goddess (minus all the perks).
I know a few women who’ve had VBAC, and they, without fail, say it’s the best thing they’ve ever done! I totally get what you’re saying though – after 48 hours of labour, I’m really scared that 2nd time will be like 2 hours or something, giving me no time to ‘experience’ the build up and ‘pleasure’ of birth. But I’m a way off from number 2 yet…
Luschka´s last blog ..Herbs for use in Childbirth
I would feel the same way— it’s amazing and beautiful and gross at the same time. But, so is any way the baby comes out. :)
I love that Jeff can make birth sound more horrid than any woman can…
he’s quite a guy!
that soon-to-be dad should be thankful!
some of the rest of us got a more graphic version :)
I still say it’s one of the most amazing experiences ever
This is fucking hysterical and because it is so damn real..and honest..
“…the entire contents of my bladder were emptied. All over my husband. Honestly, it was oddly liberating.”
Sarah´s last blog ..This is my life: My boys, My heart
And this is why I’m refusing to have children. I’m not sure I’m made for it…
Sevi´s last blog ..wednesday eye candy.
Girl…I ended up in a c-section but everything up until that point…all I could do was laugh cause it was the craziest thing ever! Amazingly…my deliver nurse and I became good friends. And I try not to think about the fact that she is the one that gave me my cathetar…ugh…yea…WEIRD!!
Megan´s last blog ..F is for Friends
My nurse with Ben was a neighbor of mine. I tried not to think about the time she wiped my ass when I would run into her.
I was terrified I was going to poop during labor. Thank GOD that didn’t happen but oh man, 4th degree tear with a fistula with Tristan? That SUCKED! After that birth, Isaac was EASY PEASY!! 8lbs 15oz? Nothing compared to 9lbs 8oz with a hand coming out with the giant head. Ooo lala
S Club Mama´s last blog ..
Giving birth is gross. Completely.
The nurse, with MissQ (our first) pretty much forced the husband to support one of my legs. Even though he did not want to watch. She was all, “Get over here and support your wife.” attitude-y about it. I? Was all, “Um, *I* don’t plan on watching, why should he have to?”
And I did refuse the mirror. But he had to watch.
With the second one, he was less terrified of seeing the kid come out, but still not *excited*. And again, I refused the mirror.
Yet oddly enough, someone else giving birth doesn’t phase me. I wonder if it’s that I don’t want to think about MY body being all twisted and stretched. Crap. Now I feel the urge to navel gaze.
thepsychobabble´s last blog ..Follow Friday: Easing My Way In
Ha! My husband was the same way. He actually had the nerve to complain that his arm was sore from holding my leg for 15 minutes. The room of all women hospital staff shot him the look of death. :)
my husband says that he was traumatized from watching my daughter’s birth, lol. He stayed near my head when my son was born because he didn’t want to be grossed out again. I say, they deserve to watch it all. After all, we’re the ones pregnant for 9 months and the ones that have to go through L&D. But as gross as our babies come out, we still can’t help but think they are the most beautiful babies ever.
Joy´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday
I remember when I finally stopped vomiting, and started screaming “Get me the shot! Get me the shot!”, my husband, who is also an actor, and who was really, genuinely trying to be helpful, looked at me with all seriousness, and said “You should really try to remember this feeling, for if they ever cast you as a heroin addict!”
So true! When I gave birth to Meg the delivery room looked like a scene from Saw (I haven’t seen the movie but with a title like that I can only imagine it involved a fair amount of blood). The husband has refused to eat green pesto ever since that day because she was covered in green slime where she’d emptied her bowels….nice x
muummmmeeeeee……´s last blog ..It’s all about her…
ps. love the new look of your blog x
muummmmeeeeee……´s last blog ..It’s all about her…
Lol… this is so funny. I totally expected childbirth to be like this, but ended up having a home water birth, which was completely great. Almost bloodless, and primarily grim free. Added to which no one was looking up my woohoo. And I caught my own baby, so that was awesome. I loved that my hands were the first to touch her. And being born in water, she only had hardy vernix on her when I raised her out the water. Beautiful pink thing. Sigh. Can’t wait to do it again. (but yeah, I vomited my way through the pregnancy too, thank you very much Hyperemesis Gravidarum, and summarily cleared my stomach (in to a bowl) as soon as I climbed in to the birth pool). Great post though. Made me smile!
Luschka´s last blog ..How to Keep Your Pre Baby Friends Post Baby
Actually, I just read all the other comments, and all I can say, ladies, is WATERBIRTH! There’s less chance of tearing, less need for episiotomy, less need for stitches, less blood, definitely no grossness, no loss of dignity. Just an all round amazing experience.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mvrwTGPMAnU
Luschka´s last blog ..How to Keep Your Pre Baby Friends Post Baby
I think water births sound incredible. But, I also want the drugs. And, you don’t really do both.
–>I remember wondering how my shy friends were able to actually deliver babies in hospitals until I went in and realized that everyone and their brother sees “under your hood” that you lose the feeling of modesty rather quickly.
Sorry again to you Mrs. Housekeeper who had the bad timing!
~deb
WebSavvyMom´s last blog ..Flashback Friday – "The Damn Kids" in the Retirement Community (again)
great post, so true wish I read it before I had my first. I was freaking out due to all the grossness!
I love that your husband was sooo willing to support you to the point of really participating in the grossness! With our first kid, my husband got too close to my face with his kind and reassuring words…I bit his nose! Oops!
~kristin
LoveFeast Table´s last blog ..Fancy Friday Doors and Walls
I don’t know man, as a doula I probably would have given your husband a talking to for planting ideas in the poor guys head. It’s like telling women horror stories of labor while they are pregnant – WHY in the world do people think that is “ok”?!? Fear is what holds so many women back from a positive birthing experience.
That being said, it is pretty gross. :P
juliea´s last blog ..(How) Do You Oatmeal?
I was pretty lucky with 2 “relatively” easy births. A little yucky, yes, but not the vomiting, bladder emptying, constipated experiences you were lucky to have :)
They are cute little buggers, though. Definitely worth it all in the end :)
Carrie´s last blog ..Happy Anniversary…to me!
my twitter ID is wrong…weird. I re-entered it
Carrie´s last blog ..Happy Anniversary…to me!
Awww that second picture of her is just adorable! And it is so worth it, isn’t it?
The grossest for me was the enormous blood clots that I passed after birth. No one told me that that would happen… Or just HOW BIG they would be. GROSS.
tracey´s last blog ..Don’t be putting any apples on your head around me…
I know, me too. I really, truly thought I was dying. So disgusting.
Thank God for short memories! I never would have had my son otherwise!
Lori Z.´s last blog ..Monkey’s Party, or Why My Family is More Talented than I
Oh yeah, it is definitely GROSS. My hubby watched the whole thing and I really didn’t want him to. At least he was too engrossed in reminding me to breathe while the doctor was doing my episiotemy. I don’t think he ever would’ve touched me again if he’d watched THAT.
It’s amazing, the second you enter the hospital to have your baby, you have to lose all sense of modesty or you go nuts. I had two c-sections but that comes with its own indignities. My husband got a look at what they were doing and nearly passed out. It’s funny, though, I was initially going to be induced for natural childbirth and the first thing that had him squirming was the sight of my doctor checking to see if I had dilated; watching another man sticking his fingers into me…….poor guy was a little traumatized by that!
Kat´s last blog ..A Time of Pride and Tears
well, i was supposed to have an orgasmic water birth at home, but ended up with the yuks at the hospital. they let us go on and on with all kinds of yuk from 5am to 10 pm…only because it was a full moon and they were swamped in L&D. the funny thing is my husband doesn’t remember most of it!
it’s nice of your husband to warn the stranger-guy….sometimes the books are a little too shiny.
and here I thought root canals are the worst. oy
it IS gross… even c-sections in all their sterility manage to be disgusting. LOL.
love the new look, btw.
MommyNamedApril´s last blog ..Flashback Friday – Baby Love
Considering I was never going to have kids. Since I am not much of a kid person. I ended up with two. I have no regrets. They are the most important things to me in the world. When my daughter was born we both almost died. It was so tramatic that it took me 5 more years to even consider going thru it all again.
Well, it was the grossest thing for my hubby. Since I was at the other end it was more an humiliating experience for me. 50 people looking my va va jay and sticking god knows what down there-in there.
Hubby told me he could NEVER go thru that again. Hmm. Tell me again just what YOU went thru?
ggs_closet´s last blog ..Stimulation Saturday
As my cursor went over the pictures, what you named them showed.. Gross Lily and Lily gets cuter.. lol.. she wasnt gross she was adorable. Yes she did get more adorable.
xx
Vodka Logic´s last blog ..My [miss]Adventures in the Midwest Part three
I am a pre- midwife assistant, meaning I have no training just the passion for birth, so when I tag along I am clean-up crew… It is not too bad! even water births are not that messy!
courtney´s last blog ..Adventure…
I am a pre- midwife assistant, meaning I have no training just the passion for birth, so when I tag along I am clean-up crew… It is not too bad! even water births are not that messy!
this is why I told my pregnant friend that I don’t like babies.
I remember when my water broke with my first being in absolute shock at how much water was gushing out! I was standing in a puddle, and after the initial feelings of glee, poked my husband and let him know my water had broken. He rolled over in bed, groggy, and said, “Are you sure?”
Um, yes, dear, I am totally without a doubt abso-posi-lutely sure.
I found birth fascinating and knew going into it that I was probably going to pee and poo all over in front of everyone who was there (I’ve had 2 homebirths, so that was my husband, my midwife, and her assistant both times). I loved my second birth so much… peaceful labor, taking walks in the rain, laughing with the midwives! Almost painless, unlike the first.
But recovery, I have to say, does have a lot of grossness. Stitches, bleeding, soreness, ugh. At least you have a cute baby to distract you at that point!
Natalie´s last blog ..Reflections in the Dishwater
HighLarious. 2nd time around was way grosser for me/us. Amazingly, my husband instinctively knew to jump out of the way as my water broke. In his face. And those two pictures?? Priceless!
Ah yes, blood clots, disposable panties and a stranger spraying water on your privates. Good times. And what a milestone to sell the changing table. We’re not quite there yet, but almost. I know that will be a big one for me, signaling the end of baby-maming for me.
Momlissa @ Binkies & Bandaids´s last blog ..Wednesday night ramblings brought to you by Smirnoff Ice
and I meant baby-mama-ing, not baby maming, as my previous post stated. lol
Momlissa @ Binkies & Bandaids´s last blog ..Wednesday night ramblings brought to you by Smirnoff Ice
Well, I’m not 100% sure that I’m done either. Honestly, I can count on one hand the number of times I actually used the changing table. I’m more of a kitchen counter kind of girl.
As usual, awesome. My wife wouldn’t even let me touch her during labor though. She shot me a couple of “you did this to me” looks. I saw them. She wasn’t subtle.
But what we have now…totally worth it.
Mariano´s last blog ..Small Business, Big Voices, Episode 11: Terry Viney, The Plus Factor
Oh boy – I’m sitting here, newly expecting, belly looking like a basketball – and it all comes flooding back to me. Reading this made me remember how truly amazing & alien the whole process of reproduction is , from conception to delivery. It also gave me a coochie cramp – what the hell have I gotten myself into?!
Jamaise´s last blog ..Expressiva Nursingwear ~ $35 Gift Certificate ~ GIVEAWAY!!! ~ Ends 3/9
yes its ubergross but its unforgettable. Those hospital pads should be illegal
pamela´s last blog ..Cheaper Than a Therapist
Great, thanks Jill. Just when I was thinking I might want to go through it all again for the 2nd time…nevermind! Ha!
Thank goodness those little suckers are so cute, even when they’re all squishy and gross.
-Aimee
Aimee @ Ain’t Yo Mama’s Blog´s last blog ..This Ain’t Yo Mama’s Fitness Website: Tight Bod With A Pod!
totally preggo again and was blocking all that out. thanks for bringing me back to reality!
That Nutella is from the devil…
I love reading labor stories. They are always so good at showing how strong and how vulnerable women are all at the same time. I’ve got a childbirth story for you. This is a life-lesson from the birth of my sixth (and last) child.
http://www.womenslifelink.com/good-time-to-change/
Ah yes. I think I hit a personal low when, several hours after my c-section, I found my privates being hosed down by a nurse while I laid on the bed like a giant baby……and I wasn’t even a tiny bit embarrassed by it.
MamaCas´s last blog ..Bloggity, blog, blog, blog…..
PS…….my extra poundage came from Mountain Dew. The nectar of the gods (or the work of the devil, depending on my mood).
MamaCas´s last blog ..Bloggity, blog, blog, blog…..
This post makes me kinda glad that I had a c-sections. I was spared from all the grossness. Yes, I know that I had major surgery but on the good side, while the doctors were inside me, they took a hoover to the inside of my uterus therefore I had hardly any bleeding. It was awesome. Well, as awesome as surgery can be. ;)
Oh, and I like your new layout. Very nice.
And I have a favor to ask you, on your blogroll page could you update my link to my new one. http://www.buriedwithchildren.com
Thanks. Love you and I can’t believe in a few short days I will be squealing as I hug you in person!
Jen´s last blog ..Hide and Seek Fail
I envision your description of childbirth…pretty much what its going to be. BUT last week on Keeping up with the Kardashians made childbirth seem like a piece of cake. I know it was edited for TV and I was kind of annoyed with how “easy” they made it seem. Its very misleading for women who are not moms.
I’m 4 months pregnant with my first, thank you for painting the lovely picture!! At least someone gives it to me truthfully!!
McCall´s last blog ..Great News Everyone
So glad I took childbirth classes, gave birth surrounded by super-experienced midwives & cheering friends in a beautiful free-standing birth center (1st 2), and homebirth. Intense, but not humiliating.
This was FANTASTIC!
Desiree´s last blog ..The Art of Facebook Fighting
I think my husband was in shock and has since forgotten all the gore of childbirth. Funny how no one tells you about the giant maxi pads when you’re pregnant…
Sara — The Football Wife´s last blog ..Babycakes Reads Across America!
Yep, I am right with ya Jen, never even went into labor and it was really nice to avoid the nasty tearing and bloody whatnot. Did lose 2 liters of blood in surgery because of a large uterine fibroid…that caused some pretty bad nausea and tachycardia and the itchy c-section scar was not fun, but when they handed me my angelic little 5 and 1/2 pound perfect little peanut boy, I almost felt guilty for not having a single labor pain. Well, actually I did go into premature labor…at 16 weeks. He is our miracle boy and we can’t have any more kids which is the way it is supposed to be and fine by me. Just grateful for the pregnancy experience and having our precious little guy in our lives.
OilGirl´s last blog ..UCLA Study On Friendship Among Women
oh,yes…good old days. i can imagine my husband lost at the grocery, trying to find those pads. lol.
cheri´s last blog ..during the middle of the afternoon
Thanks for this — I’m about to head into the delivery room again in 2.5 weeks or so and I needed the reminder that everyone has a gross experience. Seriously, this was a good reminder and in a really odd way, made me even more excited to get it over with and welcome our new baby girl.
And yes, I know I keep saying we’ll hang out/do lunch but it’s been a sickness filled winter over here and now I’m just too stressed out with trying to get the room ready for two kids…
I’ll contact you in late April! :)
Rachel´s last blog ..Frog and Toad and Nana
I was completely unprepared for the giant maxi-pads and all the gunk that they necessitated. I wish I had read a blog like yours before giving birth the first time! ^FM
Fran Magbual´s last blog ..Family Stories from the Winter Olympics
So cool to see the “before and after” photos. I posted similar pics on my papa blog yesterday for Wordless Wednesday. Child birth…wow. I have incredible respect for my wife after seeing that happen, twice in one night; twins. You think you’re worn out after pushing one out? Here comes Baby B. Get ready to push AGAIN. Grossest and most beautiful thing I have ever seen.
Stacey Robinsmith´s last blog ..“This Too Shall Pass”
When my daughter was only weeks old one of my former teachers from high school approached me and told me that being a parents feels like a ripoff at first. You feed this baby, you wipe it’s butt, etc and you feel like you’re getting nothing back because they can’t return affection, they don’t say thank you, and they cry all the time.
“just when you’re ready to get your refund… they smile.”
It is worth it. It just doesn’t feel like it until after those first two months. Haha. I completely get you.
After my fifth and final baby 21 months ago, the night nurse decided to come in at 3am and clean my vagina. True Story.
Um—no. I’m a veteran. I gave birth to triplets.
Lets just say that nurse never saw the day or night of my vagina again. The End.
Your baby is absolutely gorgeous, by the way.
I swear as much as I say I am going to bury my hand in the next snow storm, I thank God every day I had the sense to have my tubes tied. I was so be in trouble by now.
The Grasshoppa: Triplet Plus Two Momma´s last blog ..The Twilight Zone
So, your saying my wife probably *won’t* want me to post the delivery to my blog?
Wrath66.com – Now with more baby sh*t™
Wrath66´s last blog ..Honey, Don’t Bother Daddy. I’m Too Busy Building Your Brand.
THIS IS THE EXACT reason why I had 3 CSects!!!
Tiaras & Tantrums´s last blog ..Hot Locks Dolls Review and Giveaway