Jill Smokler, AKA Scary Mommy
Latest posts by Jill Smokler, AKA Scary Mommy (see all)
- Dear Judgy Mothers on My Website… - June 15, 2013
- 10 Skills Every Mother Should Possess - June 10, 2013
- Perfection (Or pretty close) - June 3, 2013
Evin is a stay-at-home mom of 3 struggling to learn to live in the country, 30 miles from Chinese food delivery. The mother of 2 under two, she spends her days buried in diapers and tears – sometimes the babies cry too. She blogs at Food Good, Laundry Bad.
Why this sudden trend of pigeonholing Moms? Every mom I know proudly wears some parenting label. Natural Parenting, Attachment Parenting, Gentle Parenting, Conservative mama, Homeschooling mama. When did this start? Why did this start? More importantly, why the hell don’t I fit in???
It’s like trying on jeans. I try on 100 pairs and none of them fit just right. Some fit my butt but not my waist, some fit my thighs but are too short. It’s a freakin’ nightmare. Same with the mommy labels. Am I a freak? Are these other women just blindly following what some book tells them so that they can fit into a label?
AM I DOING IT WRONG???
Where do I fit?
I breastfeed exclusively, so I must be a natural parent.
I co-sleep, so I must be an attachment parent.
My kids don’t all have the same dad, so I must be a trashy mama.
My guy and I aren’t married, so I must be an alt mama.
Oh, but wait! I also spank my older kids, own guns, gave my 6 year old a BB gun for Christmas (a Red Rider, no less!) get frustrated and yell at my kids, sit in the shower with the water on full blast and sob, spray my kids with the waterhose when they’re playing outside and don’t know I’m out there, take my kids to church (sometimes) and love the way they smell when they’re hot and sweaty and have been playing hard.
Whatever happened to just being a Mom? This high school clique stuff annoys me. I didn’t fit in then, and I don’t fit in now. I don’t want to, either. I’m doing it my way and my kids are pretty freakin’ awesome, so no, I don’t think I’m doing it wrong. I think I’m doing it exactly right.
{ 88 comments… read them below or add one }
You sound pretty freakin’ awesome to me! Great job on parenting your way : ) and having fun with it. This isn’t some competition. We just have to do the best we can and love them unconditionally and hopefully, it all works out in the end : )
Life with Kaishon recently posted..It was a week of-
You’ll shoot your eye out!
(Sorry.)
I say just keep doing what you’re doing. I have 3, too, and my motto is whatever gets us through the day. Who cares about everything else.
C @ Kid Things recently posted..I Mowed the Grass
Not doing it wrong, doing it your way! x
You sound like the best kind of mum…..a little bit of everything with a side of awesome :)
Well said! Back when we first decided to start a family I thought to myself – if I’m going to do this, I’m going to do motherhood MY way. And I have, with no regrets and no guilt.
SaucyB recently posted…Kids Say the Darn’dest Things
Doctors should give us a nice set of earplugs when we leave the hospital–not to tune out our screaming babies (although that would be nice) but so we don’t have to listen to the unwelcome advice, gossip, and overall cattiness of other Moms. Yes, I swear, some days it is worse than high school. We survived that–we can survive motherhood.
Sounds like you are doing a fabulous job. Love the hose bit.
Cheers.
VB
Vinobaby recently posted..Swimming for Survival
You are so right about the cattiness and some days being worse than high school. I’ve added it to the list of things my mom never warned me about.
TheJugglingAct recently posted..How to communicate with your kids
I am also the mom of three (boys..I get extra points for that right?). I heard all the “you should”, “why didn’t you” etc when they were little. Tons of advice from people whose own kids were shitheads.
I will tell you now that what you are doing is called parenting. I breastfed, bottle fed, co-slept, returned kids to bed a zillion times in one night, said no-then changed my mind. There is no right or wrong. Follow your gut, refuse all labels, and when your kids are in their early 20′s you will look at them one day and know you did just fine. It is a wonderful feeling.
Love,
A helicopter mom.
;-)
OHN recently posted..ME You want to know about ME
The labels almost go hand-in-hand with judgment, like, “I breastfeed and I’m telling you because I only want to surround myself with other breastfeeding moms. Any other ways that we might be similar and best friends and like sisters doesn’t matter–my stance on breastfeeding is all consuming right now!”
For other mothers, the labels are a way to distinguish themselves from being “just a mom”. “No–see! I’m an ORGANIC mom! I do so much more! I garden and compost and went shampoo-free three years ago!”
And then there are the mombloggers like us, who have to condense our entire essence into 140 character Twitter handle. :)
Jaci @ Ravings of a Mad Housewife recently posted..A Turn of Events
what is wrong in ur opinion, with being “JUST A MUM”?
Actually, more to the point, please clarify
(your distinguished label of) “JUST A MUM”.
I think parenting is doing what is best for you and your family. I hate labels too and never fit into any mold pre or post kids. So just keep doing what your doing. :)
Skinny Mom’s Kitchen recently posted..10 Healthy Snack Ideas for Busy Moms
Its ironic all the parenting advise you get while pregnant noone ever warns you about the OTHER MOMS! There should be a book on that, how to handle other mommies.
I don’t fit into a label either. Maybe we can be sister wives and figure it out together because your kind of parenting sounds super cool to me!
Holly Taylor recently posted..Simple
Great post!! I still have no idea what kind of mom I am. Lol. I’m ok with that.
Lala recently posted..Its Okay Monday
Great post. You fit into the same category as I do… The I-don’t-give-a-F*ck-what-other-people-say/think-I’ll-do-it-my-own-way mommy! Cheers to you!
You sound like an awesome mom! One I’d want as a friend. I have a similar approach to parenting as well. :)
Anjie recently posted..Wordless Wednesday
I’m my kids mom: 3 teens and a tween. Years ago I dressed up as a “real mom” for a elem school function. It was most certainly a costume, and my kids were glad to get their own mom back. You rock, by the way. We could so be friends.
KMayer recently posted..Zero Tolerance on Zero Tolerance
You sit and cry in the shower too? I thought I was the only one…
Hey, if your kids put their eye out they could wear a eye patch and pretend they are pirates. How fun is that?
Theresa recently posted..Momma’s not pretty today…
I think ‘Mom’, ‘Mother’, ‘Mama’, ‘Mummy’ are good enough labels. Forget the rest. We all do what we feel is right, be it breastfeeding, co-sleeping, homeschooling, organic, natural blah blah blah. So I love, love, love that you wrote this.
Alison@Mama Wants This recently posted..Whats in my fridge
Amen to that!!!! I don’t fit in either and nor would I want to! My kids are great and yes I spank the older kids and yell when I am frustrated, no I don’t have a label other than “Mom”. You know what it’s good enough for me and it’s good enough for my kids who are some of the best kids I know! The best label Mom I love to laugh at is the “permissive parent” watch them for an hour or two and then tell me how bad my kids are…….I don’t think so. Talk about tantrums and that whack job Mother saying “I don’t like that, please stop, that isn’t a very good choice” over and over again and it makes me love my kids and my own “Style” all the more!!!
I’m a “dad” sort of mom ;).
I agree, all these terms can be kind of lame. They’re useful when it comes to standing out in the blogging world and getting noticed, which I bet is why a lot of mombloggers use them.
I hope they don’t go around in real life using these terms, judging people that don’t fit into their own little box.
Dave Higgs-Vis @ Folkabout Baby recently posted..3 Simple Exercises to Build Your Baby’s Strength and Balance
We don’t all fit into a clique or title! I LOVE the way you describe yourself ~ maybe you’re an *Honest Mama* or an *Eclectic Mom* ~ Start your own club, and I’ll join. ;)
I homeschool, but I don’t often “fit in” with the other HS mama’s… I’m odd in my approach, and some days I really suck. I’m a Christian, but I slip up and say words like sh*t. This has put me at odds with other Christ-following mothers {believe me, I’ve been made to feel like that bad word when some self-righteous moms scolded and shunned me! LOL}. Point being, I love your style, and this blog. Thanks for being the groovy chick you are! {{{hug}}}
Jenny recently posted..Humpday Hodgepodge From Sea to Shining Sea
I totally agree. People are always categorizing moms. To some i’m a great mom and i’m sure to others i suck. The most important thing is that you teach your kids the skills necessary to cope in the world.’
I’ve done that so to hell with all the naysayers!
Lynn MacDonald (All Fooked Up) recently posted..In which the choice is his
Does anyone fit in? Screw it, I am a walking contradiction. Some days it gets to me, but most of the time I just know that I am exactly the mom my kids needed.
Amanda recently posted..Five at last
Amazing post. I totally agree with the not fitting in thing and am actually shocked to some of the things you admitted to! Not in a bad way, just a lot of Mom’s refuse to tell the truth about their parenting methods.
AMAZING!!
ninja Mommers recently posted..Whats For Dinner Wednesday!
You nailed it on the head… perfectly.
I think you make such an awesome point! Instead of dividing ourselves, it would be great if moms could support each other more! We all make different decisions based on what works for us. That doesn’t make our decisions wrong, that just means that we lead different lives. That’s ok! In fact, that’s what makes us great moms. We adjust to what works for our families instead of blindly following everyone else’s advice.
Lindsay Cross recently posted..Does Your Baby Deserve Her Own Nespresso Machine
We shared a little pep talk around this subject on the phone just this morning: “You get the mom you get” was the pre-coffee wisdom we came up with. Today we’re thinking about being traveling moms.
~Chris Ann & Kristin
LoveFeast Table recently posted..Red Penguin Art At 21c Museum Hotel
That’s the problem with labels. They are too limiting and never cover all that we are, especially as mothers. Catchy trendy labels are for clothes.
Some labels fit, some don’t. Same here. What’s important is that your kids are happy and healthy. To me it doesn’t matter so much how they get that way. None of us are perfect, no matter how many labels we can wear, so don’t even sweat it!
Amen! I’m going to go visit your blog–I don’t fit any of the labels either :-).
Victoria KP recently posted..Wordless Wednesday- A View from my Living Room
Amen. When I signed up for this mom gig I had no idea there were so many options. I just wanted to be the best mom that I could be. Trying to fit in is just too hard.
Jennifer recently posted..SeniorHottie
Oh my, I don’t fit the labels either. So whatever. As long as we are doing the best we can, with what we have. What does it matter what label we could have? Labels are great for cloths and storage containers.. lets leave them off of people!
Cindy recently posted..Here Fishy- Fishy- is done!
Loved this article :) Me – I’m kinda the “see what others do that you don’t like, and don’t do that. The rest you make up as you go along” mom. The imp is a happy healthy 9 going on 16 year old. I don’t think there is a perfect recipe for being the perfect mom.
Amen, sister! Labels = bad. I’m doing what I’ve always done and stayed in the middle:
- breastfed each girl 6 months, formula fed the rest of the time
- cloth diapers for the first girl, ‘sposies for the second
- no co-sleeping (never occurred to me!) but I did baby-wear
- and I work 2 or 3 days a week so SAHM, WAHM, Working Mom?? Which am I? I don’t know and I kinda don’t care.
The judging bothers me and I appreciate your post. Parenting is hard enough (and in my opinion mothering is harder), so I think we need more acceptance and less labeling.
Amy recently posted..Gluten-Free Menu Options in a Restaurant
Love this post– so funny! After the whole Tiger Mom thing erupted earlier this year, following the Helicopter Mom thing of last year, I decided that I was a hybrid heat-seeking-missile-Monkey Mom. My kids screech, swing from the chandeliers, and even occasionally fling poo; and I have to go on search and destroy missions as needed. Your house sounds a bit like mine– full of chaos, love, and laughter.
Erica recently posted..The Color of My Parachute Is Burnt Sienna
Haha! Erica, that is awesome, you and your kids sound like me and mine! Love it :D
And we all know we don’t evn parent them all the same…What works for one doesn’t always work for the other. I wish it did but it doesn’t! So imagine all the labels we would have depending on the number of children we had! The “Hello my name is _” tag couldn’t hold them all!
I don’t fit in either. All I know is that usually when I read articles about mom “types” I think, “I’m not that kind of mom.”
Twinisms recently posted..I Was A Senior Hottie
I’m totally with you on this one. I don’t need or want a label. I am who I am and will do what’s best for my family. I don’t need or want anyone to tell me what to do. The most important things I can do are love them and be there for them. I will always catch them when they fall.
I also hate just being labeled “mom”. I love being a mom but it’s only part of who I am. This year I sat through my son’s CSE meeting and was addressed as “mom” the whole time. Seriously, I’m more than “mom”. I have a name use it.
TheJugglingAct recently posted..How to communicate with your kids
I’m a Venn Diagram Mama. I fit into so many categories, no single one defines me.
And isn’t this true for every one of us?
Nota Supermom recently posted..I Am the Oprah of Bowling-Free Bowling for Kids at AMF All Summer Long!
I wanna be a Venn Diagram Mama too! I don’t fit into any single category neatly either.
Let’s be Venn Diagram Mamas together. I think there are a lot of us.
Nota Supermom recently posted..I Am the Oprah of Bowling-Free Bowling for Kids at AMF All Summer Long!
AH! You’re in MY group. We’re called the REAL MOMS. The moms that are dealing with what we have, trying to enjoy it, and not trying to be any of those “clique moms.” Welcome to the REAL world. :)
Angie recently posted..Deployment
In my opinion, the REAL world (of Parenting) does consists of Good mums, Bad mums. And honestly, i believe that both can, and will do right and wrong. Defining yourself as one or the other isnt rocket science in my eyes. A “good mum” will always teach a right from a wrong. A “bad mum” doesn’t know or have the capacity to be able to teach a right from a wrong.
You know you are doing something right when you overhear your Kids tell their friends : “I like my mom-she’s pretty cool”….(really did hear this!) especially after having to tell them I said no to something-which makes me the meanest mom ever.
So keep doing it your way. If it works for you, then it’s all good! :)
Kelly recently posted..Why Should Oprah Be The Only One to Peek In A Fridge
I LOVE this article. I feel the same way. Instead of highschool, it’s a group of school parents now. Yuck. I can see everyone comparing everything. It stinks.
I don’t fit in either. I used cloth diapers for my third child, but for financial reasons, not environmental. I didn’t start until she was almost a year old. And I sewed them myself. But I’m not a crafty mom, or anything like that. I work from home, but part time, and not a home business of my own, so sometimes I don’t even fit in with the work from home moms I know.
I love it, though. Wouldn’t trade a second. And if someone else lives the same as I do, I feel sorry for them and we’d never have time to meet anyway!
Busymama recently posted..This Time Is Your Time- This Time Is My Time
I’ve struggled with our culture’s obsession with fitting every mom into a category, too. Besides those baby/parenting message boards, who needs these terms? Not me! Great post. :)
mama marchand recently posted..this crazy week in numbers
I fit in some groups, but not fully. I’m a tattooed soccer mom who doesn’t hover. I yell at my kids but if anyone else does, they better watch out.
I’m just me, mostly making it up as I go along.
dysfunctional mom recently posted..Oh- Deer!
I completely agree with you. I don’t fit into any of these mommy groups either and I don’t care. My kids are healthy, they make good grades and they know that they are loved.
I am so not fitting into any of the categories, and I am proud to be that way. My life is all about getting by, I love small fry to death but she is just as stubborn as her dad and me. We do spank but only on occasions when it is the last straw and we know she will finally listen afterward, but we still feel bad after that way that hubby was brought up. I also both formula and pumped for the first six months, the horrors!! Moms around where I live don’t get me, and you all seem like the kind of women who would, darn this whole living so many miles away. This group would have the best girls night out!
A Mummy scorned recently posted..Time to pack
I love this. There is no need for categories. I find it best when I have mom friends that are doing complete opposite things than me. I love learning from them.
Carly recently posted..Graduation
Ahhh… what I breath of fresh air! 100% agree and feel the same way!
Megan recently posted..Wordless Wednesday
This is fantastic.
I struggle with why people have to categorize me. If I dont dress like them, or wear the shoes they’d wear, they won’t talk to me.
I will follow you to your bloggy home, I LOVE THIS POST.
Alexandra recently posted..Im Gonna Kill Him
I’m giving you a standing o and wiping a proud tear from my eye! THANK YOU!!!!!!!! Finally someone said it! I stopped going to Gymboree bc I hated feeling like I was always doing something wrong!
I’m sorry, but without labels what would we put on our t-shirts? and bumper stickers? and for goodness sakes OUR BLOGS?
Way to attempt to crumble the economy Evin.
Yuliya recently posted..Too Cool for School
I think all of this label crap started with the pregnancy/baby/parenting forums. The list of forums is huge. They have signature badges, and they all put up whatever it is they do. Like it’s something to be proud of that you feed and diaper your kid. As if the method you choose is superior to any of its alternatives so you need to announce it. I don’t get it.
And then all they do is judge each other, fight with each other, badmouth anyone who doesn’t agree, and act like snooty biotches.
I personally don’t go for any of that, because, number one: I don’t feel a need to announce my parenting preferences to anyone; and number two: I don’t have an opinion about what other people do with their kids. For the most part.
I have found the most judgmental people have the most to make up for. Kind of like the man with a small penis driving a Maserati. If they deflect attention away from themselves by passing judgment on other people’s decisions, then they get to feel better about their own shitty lives. I guess.
I march to the beat of my own drummer, and always have. I hated high school. I refuse to participate in catty clique-y bullhockey.
And you can’t tell me there is one parent on this planet who knows what they’re doing with their kids. I’m just trying to keep mine alive and not f#ck them up.
Brandella recently posted..Interwebs and Adam Walsh- with a small dose of P&B
True that.
This post is perfection. The rebel in means LOVES never quite fitting in.
tracy recently posted..I Heart Faces – Yellow
Hear, hear! I do whatever works best for us on any given day. For a while I beat myself up for not fitting an ideology perfectly, and tried to hide the parts that were different, but that’s crap. We just have to be the moms we know how to be.
story recently posted..The good stuff
HALLE-freaking-LUJAH! This is exactly how I feel. I hate parenting books and all the labels. I do what feels right at the time based on who I am and who my kids are. I breastfed & co-sleep, but didn’t wear my babies so I can’t say I’m an attachement parent. I want to keep my kids safe, but I’m not a helicopter mom. I worry more about sexual content in movies than I do about violence or foul language. I believe in being honest with children, yet appropriately so….I could go on and on. I hate parenting books. Bought a few when my oldest was little and never read them through because it didn’t feel like they were talking about MY kid. I go with my heart and my gut, and that’s it!
Jennifer recently posted..Random Acts of Kindness- Idea 7
Hoo-freakin’-Ray! I am glad someone is talking about this! I am so over the “mommy terms”. I am a mom. Sometimes good, sometimes bad, but always a mom. period.
Well-said.
This is perfect.
Sometimes I even give mine candy!
Frannie recently posted..Survival Tips
Sounds like a cool mom to me.
Anthony recently posted..How to Make Your Child More Expressive and Yourself Less Boring
I’m proud that I also don’t fit into one category. I’m just me. I’m not perfect, but my daughter is my life and I’ll be the mom that will love her no matter what. I’m the mom who will give her all I can, including manners and morals, respect for herself and others. I’m the mom with loads of learning and fun along the way! I’m her mom. That is the only group I want to fit into. I personally think that it’s best to take a bit from each type of parenting. Take what works for you and leave the rest.
If I must have a label, i want to be in the Love my daughter with all I have group. That’s it!
I’ll second that, 10 fold!
I think we parent the same way!! 4 kids can’t be micromanaged! Nobody died…..it’s a low bar, but i keep making it! btw…i’m a parent educator! lol
Every individual mummy has thier very own
U.T.E, Unique-Technique-Enabled!
its always good to have a plan or some idea of a plan but putting it into motion isnt always a smooth ride. life is full of journeys, some better off not taken but its all fun in trial an error.
Great article! I totally agree, labels can be damaging and never tell the whole story. And even worse they lead to a bizarre competitiveness and silent judging that I’d never witnessed before becoming a mom. Where does all this one-upping come from, even between friends? Does it really matter whose baby crawled or walked or slept through the night first? If your kids are happy and thriving then you must be doing something right. From where I stand it looks like we’re all just trying to do the best we can for our kids and basically figure it out as we go. But if I have to chose, I just want to be in the “good-intentioned mom” category.
Loving all the feedback!! I want to comment more but all the kids are home and awake and actually want me to pay attention to them. Don’t they know I have internet-ing to do?? I’ll be able to do more at bedtime!
labels fade and peel away, they never stay afixed, always needing a reprints. the only place labels belong are on clothing and tupperware.
Love it! And I couldn’t agree more. I’m sick of all the “labels” out there today.
Ally recently posted..Greet Em Like A Dog
I’m a shouty mum. Accused of being strict with children when younger we can take them anyway and they will behave wonderfully while have a good time and not looking like Midwicth Cuckoos.
You’re doing it just right! I will never understand people who push for a one-size-fits-all approach to parenting, as if we all picked up our mass-produced kids at Wal-mart, instead of birthing individuals who were uniquely knitted together in our wombs.
Julie recently posted..Rookie mom mistake of the day- Keep a tee pee on the pee pee
Hell yes to this post! I’m an outcast too…
I’m a do whatever feels right for our family kinda mom…and as long as my kids keep telling me that they love me, then I know I’m doing it right…
awesome post!
Not a Perfect Mom recently posted..Be Prepared
Great post.
I think I’ve figured out a label that I’m happy with:
I’m a Pay-As-You-Go Mom.
Lady Estrogen recently posted..Hello- Hello Monday
Too right! We ladies need to stop comparing and tearing strips off each other. I’ve taken on beyonce’s message this week and would love to see us all support each other, join forces and play an active and substantial role in how the world operates – let’s just focus on shaping our children to be caring, loving and peaceful yet empowered global citizens. Labelling and pigeonholing only creates neuroticism and distracts us from “run(ning) the world”. We’ll never get anywhere until we unite!
This reminds me of talking to my girlfriends about being moms & saying “you do that, too?!?!?”. It makes us all feel so much better knowing we all do basically the same things, have all the same breakdowns, do all the things we swore we’d never do (“because I said so, that’s why!”), our kids all pull the same crap like writing on the walls, using our nail polish – on the drinking glasses, zipping up their little brothers in the luggage … that last two might just be my child…
im a mother of a 16 & 8 yr old. my son calls me hitler…lol he says i rule my house with an iron fist. i just do wat feels right at that moment. yes i have spanked my kids but never beat them. i think from my spanking wrn necessary my kids do wat they r told. we do family hugs n act silly but wen i want something done i say it n it gets done. i also believe in being open n honest with my kids n they are with me, even my 16yr old son talks to me about things n im glad. i think most moms have done some or all the things u do. keep up the great parenting!!!
We’re all mongrels but it’s easier to say we’re pedigree.
Alison Golden – The Secret Life of a Warrior Woman recently posted..How To Have An Exciting Life!
Sounds like we are twins to the T!!!! Thank you for this blog, it makes me feel so much better about myself and my situation, knowing Im not alone and that I don’t need to fit into a label. Keep writing : )
The mums who dont fit in to these labels are the only mums who deserve to be called mums!
Everbody else with a label is trying to prove something to a world that doesnt care!
You go girl! You don’t need to fit in to any mommy mold to be a great mommy!
http://www.mommymasters.blogspot.com
http://www.facebook.com/mommymasters
Mommy Masters recently posted..Happy Mothers Day!
Amen, sister. I was JUST thinking this yesterday when I was “on one side” of the free-range thing and then ten seconds later I was on the other “side.” Why not just be on our kids’ sides? And our own?
Kimberly Hosey (Arizona Writer) recently posted..Photo print giveaway!
This is awesome! Suddenly, I don’t feel like the the only mom in the world who’s wondering if I’m doing it right.
Theresa Torres recently posted..Top 10 Financial Mistakes Moms Make
Labels suck. I think if you go with what is right in your heart and mind and what is good for your family, you can never go wrong.
Great post
Kimberly recently posted..She Was Wrong
Labels prevent you from developing into your own style! And for the record: I like your style.
Stasha recently posted..Memorial day