1. What Mommy Says: “Go brush your teeth.” What Kid Hears: “Go fill the sink with soap bubbles, leave a trail of tooth paste globs across the sink counter, forget to flush the toilet after you use it, and flood the entire bathroom floor.”
2. What Mommy Says: “Go get dressed.” What Kid Hears: “Rip apart every single drawer in your dresser and scatter the contents of them across your bedroom floor, whine for fifteen minutes straight that you have nothing to wear, and then finally dress in the outfit that was kindly put out for you the night before by your mother.”
3. What Mommy Says: “Go clean your room.” What Kid Hears: Scoop everything up from the floor and forcefully shove it under your bed, into drawers, in your closet, and any other crevice you can find and pray like hell your parents don’t find it all there.
4. What Mommy Says: “Hurry up and put your shoes on so we can leave the house.” What Kid Hears: Walk upstairs to get your shoes, but be sure to stop to pet the cat, read a book, rearrange your stuffed animals, play a few rounds of candy crush on your iPad and then finally come back downstairs still without the shoes on your feet.
5. What Mommy Says: “Go to bed.” What Kid Hears: Prolong bedtime as long as you can by repeatedly exiting your bedroom after lights out to get a cup of water, take a trip to the potty, hug the cat goodnight, request twelve more kisses from Mommy, ask for more water, beg for a fifth bedtime story, try to convince Mommy to let you have a teeny tiny snack. Then dance around in your bed while singing Katy Perry’s “Roar” at the top of your lungs. Most importantly, do everything else you can possibly think of other than actually going to bed.
6. What Mommy Says: “I have to use the bathroom, but I will be right back.” What Kid Hears: Why of course Mommy would like nothing more than to read you a book, sing a song, open a juice box, and discuss which superhero has the best super powers while she sits on the toilet attempting to pee.”
7. What Mommy Says: “Sit down at the table and eat over your plate.” What Kid Hears: Run in circles around the table, completely ignore the utensils put out for you to eat with and use your hands to get some of the food into your hair, clothes, ears, eyebrows and mouth, and be sure to drop at least 75% of your meal on the floor while smushing it into every square inch of the kitchen floor.
8. What Mommy Says: “I have to make a phone call so please be quiet.” What Kid Hears: Try your hardest to make it sound like a circus is marching through the house while someone is slowly killing a cat.
9. What Mommy Says: “Be nice to your sister.” What Kid Hears: Continuously torment your sister all day long by stealing and destroying her most favorite toys, mimicking every word she says in a super irritating voice, banning her from your room and repeatedly telling her mom and dad love you more than her.
10. What Mommy Says: “Would you please just leave me alone five freaking minutes?!” What Kids Hear: Bombard Mommy with a never ending string of demands every single time she attempts to go to the bathroom, pick up a phone, type an email, eat a bite of food, have a conversation with another adult, or do anything else that isn’t directly related to catering to your needs.