The holidays are upon us, and that means you will attend at least one party where you’ll have to bring a gift for a gift exchange. If you are lucky, your hosts will hold a white elephant party. Because white elephant gift exchanges are the excuse to buy the very best worst gift ever.
Side note: According to a little bit of completely unscientific research, the term “white elephant” was coined because the King of Siam was in the habit of giving albino elephants to courtiers who had displeased him. His hope was that those who had crossed him would be ruined by the cost of taking care of an unexpected pachyderm. Seriously, WTF?
These days, white elephant parties don’t involve gifting 2-ton animals who will shit in your living room, but the one rule is that the gift must be hilarious. The goal is to “entertain, not gain” when you leave the party. OMG, what a time to be alive.
While the idea of buying the worst gift ever seems appealing at first, our sense of decorum can be offended by purchasing fake dog vomit or a 108-foot orange extension cord (which I may or may not have purchased for the last white elephant party I attended). But don’t you worry. I’ve come up with a list that will make you beg your friends to have a white elephant party just so you can buy these things.
Now you, too, can be hipster AF without the burden of growing actual facial hair. Move over, Movember dudes, we are taking over with this nifty little hat. Merry Christmas.
Let’s face it: Everyone thinks cats are assholes. In fact, a cat would think nothing of peeing on your white elephant gift. So this book is just puuurrrfect.
I won’t lie: I’ll cut a bitch to wrestle this out of her hands at a white elephant party. I mean, nothing says “Happy Holidays” like a night light that will prevent you from having frozen ass cheeks on the toilet in the middle of the night. I’ve been a good girl, Santa…
Haven’t you ever looked at a plate of king crab legs and thought, “I love these crabs so much that I wish I could snuggle up to their claws and take them to bed with me?” No? Just me? Bonus points if you can make sure this gem lands in the hands of the bitchiest mom at the white elephant party.
Chocolate is delicious. Bacon is delicious. Combine them together, and you just might be the most awful/delicious treat ever.
Any product that is described as “genuine, foul butt-crack smell with hints of dead animal and fresh poo” needs to be at a white elephant party. No ifs, ands, or BUTTS about it.
Listen, Bigfoot exists. Probably. And someone needs to find out for sure. Now they can because you’ve just bought them the best worst gift ever. Sasquatch better watch his back.
Frankly, these boxes are genius AF. Boxes labeled “Ear Wax Candle” or “Nap Sack” act as a precursor to the really bad gift inside. Imagine their surprise when your recipient opens their ear wax candle only to find this Lemony Snicket Lump of Coal inside? You just won the white elephant party.
There’s nothing funnier than poop. Ever. And when you give the gift of poop soap, it’s the gift that keeps on giving. Or not?
Cordless! Vibrating! Nipple-sucking action! What better way to embarrass a co-worker is there than to show up with this tit-ilating worst gift ever?
Everyone is so uptight at the holidays because stress makes us make bad life choices. But when you can apply those bad life choices to a white elephant party? Well, let’s just say that’s the best kind of holiday magic in my book.