If you’re a parent of a toddler, you’ve already realized they come without a filter and will unapologetically say anything and everything. As someone who gets embarrassed easily, I’ll admit that this filter-less jargon often sends me over the edge. I tend to turn bright red and run for the hills, or go into a ten-minute explanation about how my kids normally don’t behave like this. I’ve even gone as far as saying that I was the nanny. Just kidding, but I’ve thought about saying it on more than one occasion.
Toddlers also have an innate ability to know when to make a lot of noise at the most inopportune times. When my son was first born, I welcomed every milestone with enthusiasm. My heart would fill with joy with each coo, babble or giggle. However, now that he has found his voice, I find myself missing those infant days when he just quietly slept and I would gaze at him adoringly from across the room. Now everything he says has to be amplified by five decibels for some reason. I’m never further than a few feet away; I can hear you, kid – perfectly. Stop with all the yelling!
I, for one, would love if there were a mute button for toddlers. I don’t need silence all the time, but here are ten times when a mute button would be nothing short of amazing:
1. In the car. I love when my son sings his favorite songs, except when I’m in rush hour traffic trying to maneuver between all the cabs, bikers, and maniacs on the road. The last thing I need to hear in the middle of this mayhem is a very loud rendition of “EVERYTHING IS AWESOME!”
2. On the phone. Kids have radar, which notifies them as soon as you get on the phone. It doesn’t matter if they were perfectly content building their Lego tower or watching their favorite cartoon, because as soon as you get on the phone they need you right that second. If you do not give them your immediate attention – colossal meltdown.
3. In the grocery store. Every time we go grocery shopping my kid picks up his invisible microphone and loudly objects to every healthy thing I put in the cart. Never fails. I’m not buying you a month supply of Snickers kid – get over it.
4. When speaking to another adult. Anytime you try to have a conversation, interruptions immediately ensue. At least my kid says, “Excuse me,” but he says it over and over and over again.
5. On Saturday mornings. Why is it that during the week, do you have to drag your kids out of bed kicking and screaming, yet every Saturday morning they are up before the rooster’s crow? Something tells me I’ll be happy when they are teens and sleeping until noon!
6. When telling a white lie. Like when I tell my other mom friends we don’t watch too much TV, and my son interrupts and says we watch it all the time. Busted. It’s winter and I’m out of entertainment ideas – no judging! I thought we were on the same team, kid?
7. When trying to watch TV. As soon as you sit down to watch your shows when the kids are in bed, they suddenly need more water, have to potty, etc., basically until your hour is up and it’s your bedtime too. So much for that brain-wasting hour of Bravo TV.
8. When taking them along to OB appointments. This last pregnancy I had to take my 3 year-old with me to all my appointments, and he always tried to check out my lady parts and asked the doctor a million questions like “Where’s her pee-pee?” Mute button now, please.
9. When they repeat things you didn’t mean to say in front of them. Like when I slammed my finger in a drawer and yelled out a profanity, which then snuck into his vocabulary at school. I’m sure his teachers think I’m the mom of the year.
10. When you’re on the potty. “Momma are you going poo-poo?” “I want to see!” “Did it hurt?” Can’t I just go to the bathroom without getting interrogated? Not so much.
How much easier would our lives be if these little crazies didn’t have a permanent megaphone attached to their mouths? Why must they always be so wildly inappropriate?
Even though I religiously teach my kids to mind their manners, they clearly could give two shits. Hopefully one day they will care, but until that day comes I’ll just pack on the bronzer to mask my flushed face in preparation for each time they embarrass the hell out of me.
Related post: 25 Easy Ways To Annoy A Toddler