I’m ready to explode. Winter seems to have no end this time of year. We haven’t even hit the inevitable April snow storm yet. Because Minnesota. Please God, hear our prayer. Not this year.
Depression, seasonal affective disorder, mental illness, anxiety. It’s that time of year, folks. All the issues. At once.
When my sanity in motherhood, marriage, mental illness and general wellbeing are on the the line, my mind has a tendency to wander. And not always in a good way. So I have had to learn how to be more intentional about my thinking. Holding it captive. Redirecting myself when the bad needs to be replaced with something good.
It’s that good that I share now. Out of necessity. Survival. Literal. Not figurative.
For the record, my husband’s emotional stability and humor have been key in helping me get clean, sober, medicated, and generally healthy.
That being said, men are not from Mars. They are from Planet Nothing. I can’t even begin to count the number of times I have found my husband either sitting or standing still for long boughts of complete silence. Staring blankly. In the bathroom after a shower. In the closet. In the kitchen. In the car. Really? What is happening in there? What could be so deep that you go to that place for an hour at a time and having nothing to show for it?
The answer? Nothing. When you ask them what they are thinking, the answer is almost always nothing. Blank. There are zero items on the agenda.
A few years ago, he and I were in the car. Several minutes had passed in complete silence when I asked him what he was thinking about. “Pots.” That was his response. Mother loving pots. For camping. For about ten minutes straight. It’s like I could here the circus music playing in his head in the background. “Pots, pots, pots, deet, deet, dee, dee.”
What I wouldn’t give to live in that man’s head for just one day. A mental vacation of sorts.
So I shared a brief synopsis of what passed through my wild head during that same time span (hold on to your seats): Why is the news so horrible? Our gun problem is out of control. Are we in the end times? Those poor dead babies washing up on distant shores of war torn countries. Oh god, did I take my medication today? When was the last time I showered. I’m so gross. I think I need another root canal we can’t afford. I’m going to be sick forever. Why is there so much pain in the world? I hope I look okay. The bus driver seemed mad at me when she picked up the boys today. I’m glad I took a picture of the grocery list on the fridge. I always forget it. We are out of everything. I had to feed the boys Pop Tarts for lunch today. I’m a terrible mother. Nick and the boys deserve someone better than me. Maybe if God takes me now they could…
Sweet baby Jesus in the manger. Make it stop. Because I have no off switch.
Men think about nothing. Women think about everything.
Nick was blown away by my response. I was not. This is the norm. Just a few minutes in my busy head.
But then the most amazing thing happened. Pots. Just pots. And he had this stupid grin on his face the whole time. We both started laughing uncontrollably. That kind of laughter that makes your stomach ache and real tears are manifested. Suddenly I felt completely free.
These are the moments that save me. The ridiculousness of life. And humor. It catches me. Like a safety net. Giving me the ability to recognize how many lies are bouncing around my head. And need replacing. Deletion.
So instead I write. Or think about the best moments my family has had while camping or exploring. On purpose. I refocus my mind on the funny. The blessings. On how ridiculously much my husband loves me. Unconditionally.
Imagine your thoughts are like a video or audio reel. They are usually the same ones when they hit. And the only way to get rid of them is to record over them. With something new. Something better. Something good.
Catch it when it starts to play. Press rewind. Then record. Go somewhere new. Every time.
The other day we were in bed and my head was in a pretty bad place. So I decided to start creating of other things, like men, that make absolutely no sense to me. Stick with me here. Because these things are ridiculous. And far better to ponder then the world going up in flames.
In the end, our thoughts are a choice.
Toe rings. Why?
The Kardashians. Please go away.
Chopsticks. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
Musicals. All. That. Singing.
Spray Tans. A big fat bucket of nopes. (Looking at you, Trump)
Columbus Day. Really?
Decaf Coffee. Abomination.
The Zipper Merge. Figure it out
Mondays. There won’t be any in heaven.
Politics. Suck it.
Vegans and Tofu. I don’t think we can be friends.
Sky diving/bungee jumping. Good for you.
Walmart. Just Walmart.
Outer space. Terrifying.
Plastic surgery. Stop it.
Sexy selfies. Keep it to yourself.
Diet or fat-free anything. Why do these people hate life?
Racism. If everyone was blind there wouldn’t be any.
Nickelback. Nickel who?
Victoria Secret. You are a liar.
Cage fighting. Steroids are illegal, fellas.
Fake nails/waxing. Don’t
College tuition. Debt trap.
Clowns. Evil incarnate.
Slow drivers in the left lane. Move it.
Sharks. The. Worst.
Teens eating Tide Pods. I just can’t.
Murky water. No thanks.
I asked hundreds of women to list some of the things that make no sense. Here are some of my favorite responses:
Judgmental people. Go away.
Rappers who make millions. ?
Knitted Cock Cossies. You read that right.
Seasonal Affective Disorder. Is a bitch.
Winter. I’m Over It.
My daughter has a slime Instagram with hundreds of followers. Why?
Fast growing finger nails on children. Gross.
Fidget Spinners. Hide them all.
Fat-free cheese. Has no cheese in it.
50 is NOT the new 30. It’s 50.
Pants with words across the butt.
People who pronounce Aunt as “Ant.”
Eggs that aren’t scrambled.
Underpants with waistbands designed to be seen.
People piercing their fingers. Why?
Justice clothing store. More torture.
Why can’t my cats talk to me? I need to know if they like the food I buy for them.
Dust. Why does it exist?
Pantyhose. Nope. Double nope if you’re wearing them when it’s warm.
I trust God, but I need a gun to defend myself. Mind boggling nuh-uh to that.
Over-the-knee-boots. Expensive leg traps.
Why do we drive in a parkway and park in a driveway?
Mosquitos. What was God thinking?
Swimming in lakes. Fish pee and poo.
Clapping. Is just weird.
Aliens. Do they have teeth.
If a Giant came and ripped off the roof of this building that I’m in, how would I deal with that?
Fake eyelashes. What’s the point?
Traffic. Why can’t everyone just drive the same speed?
Milk that doesn’t need to be refrigerated. How?
Please, and I do mean this, what are some of the things that make no sense to you? I think we could all use the distraction.