You Know You Have A ‘Wild Child’ When… – Scary Mommy

You Know You Have A ‘Wild Child’ When…

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Here’s the truth: my kids are a bit on the wild side. The boys, especially, it seems.

I blame their Dad. I never burned down a vacant field as a kid. Just sayin’.

Here are some quick ways to know if you, too, are raising a Wild One.

1. When looking for your child, you look up. On the table, the counters, the shelves, on the top of the fridge. Looking at ground level is for tamer beasts than the one you’re raising.

2. The only person who can be counted on to undo the childproof locks is the kid. You can struggle for twenty minutes, mutter every curse word you ever knew and a few you just made up, but Junior can have that sucker open in 3.2 seconds. Or less.

3. You’ve found yourself chasing a barely dressed toddler down the sidewalk, trying to out-race him to the street. In your bare feet. In the winter. With another baby in your arms, nursing.

4. “Mom, look!” strikes terror in your heart. That eye twitch? You might get rid of it sometime after the kid is grown. Maybe.

5. The phrase, “Mom … you better come see this …” elicits moans of, “Oh no … please, I don’t wanna go see … Where’s your Dad? Tell him, it’s his turn …”

6. You hear your spouse yell, “WHAT IN THE NAME OF GOD DID YOU DO?!” and pretend you fell asleep, so you don’t have to go help sort out whatever disaster has occurred.

7. You’ve caught your child standing on the front porch, singing to the neighbors. Naked.

8. The folks at the emergency room not only know your kid by name, but you can predict who’ll be on shift on any given day. And be right most of the time.

9. Silence isn’t golden. It’s terrifying.

10. The doctor’s office knows your voice on the phone, and when you show up, automatically sends you to the wound treatment room … even when you’re just there for a cold.

11. “Yes, it’s called a bungee cord, but no it won’t keep you from hitting the ground if you try and jump off the roof.”

12. You’ve had to Google how to get dried toothpaste off the wall, baby oil out of the carpet, or Sharpie off the ceiling.

13. You’ve considered using one of those backpack leashes on your child. In the house.

14. Your spouse, when taking the kids to the park, announces, “Mom’s with us today, guys, so take it easy.”

15. When considering installing new flooring for the house, you find yourself pricing out gym mats.

Being the Mom of a “wild child” isn’t an easy journey. But on the up side, you can’t ever claim to be bored…