2014-THANKSgiving

Your Penis Won’t Fall Off And Other Things Boys Should Know

557 Comments

Your Penis Won't Fall Off

My dearest sons,

You know the dangly appendage that occupies your thoughts and/or your hands for a large percentage of the day? Well, as a concerned mother, I feel it’s my duty to enlighten you on the subject of your penis.

Now, never having been in possession of one myself, I can’t be considered an outright expert, but I’d like to think that my experience raising you counts for something. After all, I’ve seen enough nakedness around this piece to rival any nude resort. So, for you, and any other boys out there, here are nine things you should know about your penis.

1. Relax; Your penis won’t fall off.  It will stay right there in your pants (provided you’re wearing any), so you can stop clutching it while you watch TV and falling asleep with it in your fingers. In fact, it will be with you for the rest of your life, so maybe you should think about being a little less rough with it.

2. One exception: Having a firm grip on it is encouraged – and preferred – when using the toilet. It’s floppy, and when you don’t have it under control, you spray like a leaky hose.

3. Keep it in your drawers, ok? (This is a piece of advice that will have a different, but equally significant, meaning during your teen years – so don’t forget it.) There’s really no need to lay it on your brother’s arm. Or dip it in your chocolate milk. Or poke it through the hole of a DVD. Or wrap it around your eating utensils. Or your pencil. Or your brother’s pencil.

4. It might not hurt you when you stretch it out ten miles long like it’s made of rubber, but it hurts me just looking at it, so stop.

5. On rare occasions, you may actually let go of it in order to grasp something else. Like a sandwich, or your brother’s face. In the event of such occasions, hand-washing before you touch anything else is the courteous (and sanitary) thing to do.

6. It’s not the end of the world when it’s facing the wrong way or bunched up in your underwear. No need for a meltdown.

7. It’s handy and portable and all that, but just because you can pee anywhere doesn’t mean you should.

8. If you’re gonna stretch/dangle/pull/twist/twiddle or otherwise manhandle (boy-handle?) it, please do so in your room and spare us all a little awkwardness. Please.

9. I’ve seen it a million times, so there’s no need to waggle it in my direction after your bath, nor make it dance and jump around by thrusting around like Elvis with a hula hoop. (This also goes for your dad, so pass that tidbit along.)

I’m hoping this letter will serve as a handy reference to the proper penile etiquette, and that you’ll start having a little ding-dong dignity.

You’ll thank me later… or at least your wife will.

Lots of love,
Mommy

Related post: 10 Things Never to Say to a Mom Expecting Another Boy

Comments

The Scary Mommy Community is built on support. If your comment doesn't add to the conversation in a positive or constructive way, please rethink submitting it. Basically? Don't be a dick, please.

  1. 1

    Christine says

    Oh my! My son is almost three and we seem to have escaped a lot of this so far, thank goodness! If/when there is another child in the house to impress/compare that might change! Funny article.

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    • 11

      Shawn P says

      Yeah, but your comment, combined with #6 and #8, don’t acknowledge how many times I have gals in front of me or in front of many in public adjusting their bra straps, reaching in to the shirt or the edge of the halter top or whatever to tug at the edge of the bra around or beside or between the boobs. It goes both ways people.

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      • 12

        Tiffany says

        HARDLY the same thing at all lol. Grabbing your junk, unsticking your balls, readjusting by any means in front of someone is really awkward and frankly, a little gross lol.

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          • 14

            Denise says

            JustEric…It is definitely not the same thing. A woman/girl is adjusting an article of clothing. The guy is actually manipulating a body part that is attached to him. In order to avoid this disgusting display, I suggest a different type of underwear or looser pants in the crotch area. If neither of these helps, a visit to the doc to get a prescription should resolve the problem. And clean hands is “always” – “always” a necessity. By the way, I raised two men. My oldest had every one of the symptoms mentioned by Scary Mommy.

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          • 15

            Robert says

            I’m with JustEric.

            Y’all should get over your whole, “Eek! A Penis” syndrome. If we’re adjusting, it’s not necessarily to show off but rather because as you pointing out, we have a dangling appendage jammed in our pants between our legs.

            Also, 9 times out of 10, it’s not the penis being adjusted, it’s the scrotum. It’s not the most comfortable place to have a sack of sensitive skin with two equally sensitive testicles inside. The last time out of 10 it’s because it ends up tucked to the wrong side. I’m sure y’all won’t possibly understand this concept so I’ll just leave it at that.

            Sorry, ladies, but if it gets wedged the wrong way between our legs, it hurts. if a hair gets pinched between our thighs, it feels like getting jabbed with a needle. Imagine your nipples suddenly getting pinched in a zipper and tell me you wouldn’t react immediately to fix this problem.

            As was so eloquently pointed out in the article, no, you don’t have one of your own, and no, raising a son doesn’t make you any more “experienced” with a penis than raising a daughter makes a father an expert on a vagina.

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          • 16

            Joe Daddy says

            Not to mention that if I wrote an article telling my daughters what to do either their vaginas, I’d have the entire neighborhood outside with torches and pitchforks. But, when it goes the other way it is considered adorable.

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          • 19

            Daniel says

            Could not agree more. Adjustments are a necessary part of going through the day, whether it’s male genitalia, or female breasts, twisted up in their socially acceptable but confining garments. Why are we actually spending time on this? Humor, I suppose…

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          • 20

            Citogal says

            Well, if your daughter was playing with her vagina or showing it off or trying to stick things in it in public, especially to gross out a sibling, I hope you WILL say something to her. I have no problem with a man adjusting himself occasionally, it’s completely understandable. We women also would like to get our underwear out of our butts, but I’d say it’s exceptional to see a grown woman do it in public. I do have a problem if a man is obviously playing with himself with his hand in his pocket while he’s talking to me. And if a man has to adjust himself every 10 seconds, maybe a visit to a dermatologist is in order.

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          • 21

            DeniseWhaaat? says

            Denise–From a woman’s perspective, you are absolutely incorrect and just passing blame.

            What does a bra do? Support your breasts? So isn’t adjusting a bra pretty similar to “manipulating a body part that is attached to [you]“?

            Get a prescription? For what? How about you settle down and quit repressing potentially innocent behaviour?

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          • 22

            Patrick says

            Supporting my brethren here, #6 is off the mark. Dictating how your sons *should* react when their penis is “facing the wrong way or bunched up” is highly insensitive and dismissive of your boy’s needs, particularly given the fact you have no idea what it is like to live with the male parts attached. As some of the other guys have mentioned, it is uncomfortable when things get out of whack down and in many cases, it hurts. It gets worse when you are active and even worse when puberty hits.

            Is #6 and issue in our house with our three year-old boy? No, because we are sensitive to his needs and make sure things are pointed in the right direction when changing diapers – pull-ups are the worse offenders – and getting dressed in the morning.

            I’m sure all the moms here bend over backwards for their children, but some of the mom comments here make you sound like you’re God’s gift to your child, when in reality they are gifts God gave us to care for. Listen to and respond with empathy to your children’s needs.

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          • 23

            Phill M says

            Don’t forget to mention the joys of zippers. As a child of the 80s, with the one piece sleepers with the zipper running from the right knee all the way up, there were a few times something got caught in said zipper.

            And having something that is suppose to point down but is pulled up (or, something that suddenly wants to point up, but can’t) because of tight underwear, or diapers, or whatever is uncomfortable and exasperating. Imagine how it would feel for a woman to have her breast pulled up into her armpit. It’s not the end of the world, but it can hurt bad enough that one may wish the world would end.

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          • 24

            jessica says

            Amen to that. I’m with the guys on this one. Sorry ladies. You don’t have any clue what it is like to have one so you shouldn’t be complaining.

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          • 27

            Joe says

            You MAY have raised two men, but you don’t know the first thing about having a penis. yes, we may have to actually more the body part, but that is because we have a different anatomy than you. you do not know the discomfort of your balls being pinched by your under pants or getting it twisted. and no, different clothes do not help at all.

            do not tell me how to use my penis, ive had it all my life, and you have no experience with it other that having one in your mouth. so kiss my ass i say! as i jiggle my junk.

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          • 28

            Jeanne says

            JustEric, it’s not the same thing. It’s genitals versus fatty tissue on a chest. The male equivalent would be just a guy reaching inside his shirt to scratch an itch instead of doing so through the shirt. Now if the girl was playing with her own genitals or digging a cameltoe out of her crotch, yeah, then we’d be talking even ground.

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          • 29

            SaintPeter says

            It doesn’t matter what the item in question is made of, its about making people in public uncomfortable… Although I couldn’t care less if guys or girls adjust themselves regardless of what they’re adjusting, I’d say its basically the same as blowing someone’s knows or fixing hair. In public, as long as you’re not breaking the law, sorry, but you’re gonna encounter uncomfortable situations. But theres a reason someone is adjusting themself, its cause they’re uncomfortable. So bottom line, being a male and having to deal with this thing flopping, dangling, sticking, and living between my legs, (something all women could only learn abut second hand, so no women know better about it than I or my male counterparts) I will adjust, scratch, pull, rub, shake, pinch and roll, and anything else to my comfort that I please. I don’t need permission, and I create my own etiquette for my body. Period. Furthermore, I wil never have a need to explain myself to anyone for it.

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          • 30

            Dave says

            Some of you women are just being thick. You have a part of your body in an uncomfortable position, being held or outright pinched by an article of clothing, you choose to adjust yours but you think I’m going to be uncomfortable because you are present and might get offended if I adjust… You might as well get over yourself, because I refuse to be uncomfortable just so you can be.

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          • 31

            mom2boys says

            I completely agree. Women shaming boys and men over normal human behaviour and getting all church lady about “adjusting” is nonsense.

            We adjust our bras, etc.. it’s the same thing. You’ll never hear what anyone is saying if the goal is to make them wrong.

            If a man wrote anything like this about his daughter and yes I have heard at the dining table a girl being told not to put the pees in her pee pee. He would be strung up. I’m a strong woman of two happy grown men who manage just fine being appropriate with their penis’s in spite of all the boy handling. I want to care about my boys psychological health too and we all should. But more sensitivity won’t hurt.

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          • 32

            JustEric says

            Amen. And for what it’s worth, I think they’re being intentionally “thick.” I can’t imagine anyone not seeing the parallels. I think they’re just refusing to acknowledge it for whatever reason :)

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          • 34

            Willow says

            It is EXACTLY the same thing!

            It’s extremely uncomfortable to be around a woman digging her fingers about her boobs to adjust her chest. But WE do it because a bra can be seriously painful. What’s more, we do it with out even thinking about it, and we expect people, especially men not to look or comment.

            So here is a tip, don’t watch a man adjust himself, and don’t comment. Sure it can sometimes be odd, or uncomfortable when someone starts touching themselves in a place we consider inappropriate for public, but they arn’t playing with it any more than we are fondling our boobs.

            This type of reverse sexism even in it’s smallest forms like this article is so irritating. Just like all the married women posting half naked pics of channing tatum while complaining about what guys post.

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          • 35

            Nitpicker says

            Point of order: Sexism is discrimination based on gender. So, whether the target is male or female, if they’re being targeted for being that gender, it’s still sexism. :)

            I have no idea what “reverse sexism” would be. Perhaps me hating everyone because I’m a man? Or loving everyone because of their gender? Who knows? :)

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      • 36

        JustEric says

        Don’t forget storing things in their bras. Nothing more disgusting than seeing a woman whip a payment method out of the depths and hand it to a cashier. Blah

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          • 39

            Amber says

            I’ve been a cashier and agree with Cameron! Find somewhere else to put your money. Do not hand we sweaty boob money!

            And for all the guys, adjust your junk all you want, I don’t think I could handle having those things hanging between my legs. But please please please pull your pants up. I don’t need to see your crack or underwear. This goes to the girls too.

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        • 40

          Krista says

          Most women don’t do that, but still, it wouldn’t be comparable to storing something in the crotch area. I occasionally tuck my cell phone in there, ’cause, well, no good pockets. But still, adjusting a bra strap (tucking it under the shirt) or even storing something in there is different than messing area in the waste disposal area.

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          • 41

            Tabitha says

            Do not EVER put your cell phone in your bra! It CAN cause BREAST CANCER…Dr. Oz did an entire show on it…a girl was doing that from age 13 on…now she has Breast Cancer from it…please please don’t do that! Carry a small purse that holds the phone or wear one of the clip on cell phone holders…NEVER in your bra!!!

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          • 43

            Gerald says

            amazingly enough, the senator that was going after Dr. Oz, has payment from the pharma. He personally does not get paid from any of the products that he talks about. He doesn’t talk about a specific brand. He talks about Herbs, Vitamins, Supplements. NOT Brand…..

            thank you very much…

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          • 46

            JustEric says

            Most men don’t adjust themselves in front of women, either. Aside from my partner-at-the-time, no one has ever seen me do it. And I’ve only occasionally seen other men do it outside of a men’s room.

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          • 49

            Rachiepoo says

            I gotta agree that no one wants to be handed sweaty boob money but I’m with you on the convenience factor Blondy! I’ve always been one to carry a large purse but if I’m trying to make a fast in and out trip somewhere then I bring only what is necessary (phone, money, ID, car keys) but like everyone else I only have 2 hands and juggling is not my forte! Once you add other items on top of the ones you brought in with you, it becomes too much! My ID & $ goes in one side of my bra, phone goes on the other side and if I have to, I clip my keys on my belt loop and I’m free! But even tho I admit to sticking items in my bra for convenience, it is only there as a temporary solution for the moment and not an all day storage spot.

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          • 50

            Brad says

            There is this fantastic new invention to take care of that. They are called pockets! It is just as disgusting to see a heifer reach in her three sizes too tight bra and pull something out as it is scratching your rear end and sniffing your fingers.

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          • 51

            Luna Lianna says

            Women’s cloths often do not have pockets, and if they do have pockets they are very little. i have a couple of pairs of Men’s shorts that I wear when hiking just so I have pockets that are big enough for my keys and a phone. Heaven for bid you are fat or pregnant. Apparently plus size and maternity do not need pockets at all.

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        • 54

          Citogal says

          Ha, filthy lucre is everybody’s problem. If it’s more convenient to not have my purse with me, I keep my money in a little change purse that I can put in my bra for a short period of time, maybe a half hour – so money does not get my boob sweat on it. But, it’s a weird concept to me, my boob sweat is normally on the underside or between my breasts, not on the top slope near the bra strap, which is where the little purse goes, so these women with super sweaty boobs that soak bills seem very alien to me. If I somehow get super sweaty, I don’t want anything foreign in my bra, irritating my skin. Also, I don’t know where that money’s been before I got it. Might have cocaine on it, or snots from sucking said cocaine. Might have some guy’s ball sweat on it, I doubt every guy adjusting himself washes his hands immediately after. Might have some urine or feces on it if the last person didn’t wash their hands after using the toilet. Maybe it was in a stripper’s thong. Most guys I know sneeze or cough into their hands, then handle everything, including money. Yikes, now that I think about it, I probably should wash any cash I get, the ragstock in bills should hold up in the washing machine. If you handle cash, it’s a good idea to wash your hands frequently. Coins are bad too, people put it in their mouths or pick it up off the ground.

          I’d like to buy more clothes with pockets, I once bought an expensive business suit just because it had a little inside jacket pocket like men’s suits have. Clothing manufacturers don’t think women need pockets. The last time I bought a dress, I was delighted the first time I wore it to discover there were hidden pockets – cash and spare change went in. My employer does not allow me to wear cargo pants to work. Cashiers and other patrons get annoyed and impatient when a woman pulls her wallet out of her purse to get money, then gets change and takes the time to put it back in securely, then stow the wallet and close the purse. A lot of sighing and eye-rolling going on.

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        • 55

          Baby Rottie says

          I totally agree with you on that one! I’ve seen way too many other women use their bra as a purse, pulling out the cellphone, credit cards, cash, and even once, a tube of chapstick! Gross! My bras are for the boobs only, not sticky, sweaty bills! And unless that bill is brand-spanking new, fresh from the mint, and handled only while wearing gloves, who knows what kind of funky, disgusting crud is on there!

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          • 56

            trisarahtops says

            The only time I keep anything in my bra (other than my phone, but nobody else is touching that, and I’m okay with touching my own boobs) is when I go out to a bar and don’t plan on buying any drinks. I keep my phone, license and debit card tucked safely in my bra where I know they won’t go missing, or keep them in my SO’s pocket. As someone who worked a cash for 4 years, sweaty boob money is the worst, especially now that Canada has plastic money, so none of the sweat gets absorbed. I get handed slimy pieces of plastic from the depths of a bra that I don’t know when was last washed and that’s not okay with me.

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      • 57

        Bethany says

        I’m guessing that the difference between your son and your friend’s is a personality issue not linked to the existence or non-existence of a foreskin. I have a friend with 3 boys, all cut, and they all have different habits with their penises.

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      • 58

        Will says

        Sure, attractive women can adjust their bras in front of us, or even their pants just a little bit as long as nothing really shows. Hot girls have leeway we don’t because they are MAJESTIC.

        Come on. You can kid yourself all you want, but the truth is that even a really, really good-looking guy is not majestic in the way females can be.

        Take one look at Ashley Alexiss, Zooey Deschannel, or even old childhood friends of yours that are girls. Take that in, dude! Is it any wonder girls can do little things without being considered gross or off-putting (at least in some circles not so considered) that boys can’t? In adulthood, I mean, of course.

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      • 62

        Marc says

        I’m just gonna let you guys and ladies have it the real way…..one sex is gonna do something that the other sex finds offensive. With that being said yes adjusting your bra is about the same as me adjusting myself. Of course you ladies arent gonna see it this way cause i mean men like boobs and yall ladies have a love/hate relationship with our penis. These dudes are right and studies show that the ball sack is nothing but a flab of skin made of many many many nerves, so any little mishap causes discomfort. Regardless of all this, women are gonna stick up for women and men for men but reason a little bit. Just because your boobs are in a bra doesnt mean that when you adjust the bra you arent adjusting your boobs as well cause that is exactly what is going on.Yes when we guys adjust ourselves its more of a display but i mean come on ours is just hanging almost at the center of our body so there is no real way we can just hide what we do. I mean honestly ladies we are grown so what a man adjusts himself and so what you adjust yourself, be a grown up its not like you are seeing the man’s penis flopping around while he is adjusting it or hey you can always just look away….but be grown about it. Everyone has discomforts and if you have to do something to make you feel comfortable im not one to say not to do it….because what really matters is that you take care of yourself….so if something dont feel right you are gonna make it…..but i promise you no one has ever died from seeing a man or woman adjust themselves so medically youll be ok…..have a great day

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      • 63

        Austin Elizabeth says

        Totally agree with (some) of the girls on this. You are uncomfortable, I get it. If I were to get a wedgie out in public I’d want to fix it, but guess what, I’d do it off where people don’t have to watch and I wouldn’t put my hands in my pants to do it.
        Adjust yourself freely but PLEASE try to do it where everyone doesn’t have to see it.
        And girls, I understand our pockets suck, we don’t always have a purse on us but a bra is NO place for money. It looks just as tacky and equally disgusting. Phone I can get just because it’s not like you are handing it to people and distributing it. It’s yours and very rarely do people touch my phone so as last resort I use my bra as storage for my phone. I don’t really agree pulling up a bra strap is equivalent to crotch fixing. strap=tiny part of clothing which is hopefully out of sight under clothes. Crotch fixing=your hand is obviously grabbing genitals and is either above or under clothes.
        Seriously guys though, its not appealing to the eye so when at all possible face away from the group, go off somewhere or a bathroom and fix whatever is going on down there. No I don’t know exactly how yall feel but all the same. etiquette.

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      • 69

        brandi says

        The day a brastrap is the equivalent to a mans sweaty balls is the day that will be discussed. And discussing a period is hardly the same at all! Let’s talk a woman playing with her labia in front of people and then well be equal.

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        • 71

          Mike says

          A lot of the women need to stop being so defensive to the fact that yes you indeed to can do something that is a disgusting display when it comes to your female parts. Re-adjusting yourself in public is just that. Now all you women keep on saying that you adjust your “bras” but there are many times when I’ve seen women adjust their side boob, pull/push and maneuver them into place, wipe off “boob sweat”, re-adjust their thong or underwear because they have a wedgie. Its all the same, you are adjusting a body part just like we are. So don’t go giving everyone the high and almighty talk about how its different for men and women. Its NOT! We adjust ourselves whether it is our boxers/underwear because they are not in the correct place and we are uncomfortable, your our parts moved around and need to be re-positioned to be comfortable. Same concept goes for your boobs and your bra being out of position.

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          • 73

            Citogal says

            Wow, a lot of women do that? Personally sometimes my strap slips off my shoulder and I pull it up again, kind of like maybe a guy pulling up his pants so his butt crack won’t show, more preventative than touching my body parts. If I have to adjust my boobs, I try to find a washroom or private place. Even in a shared ladies room, I’d do the adjustments in a closed stall rather than have other women see me adjusting the girls…

            And though the porn industry would have men believing that all women are completely hairless down there, even with maintenance, most women do have some pubic hair that often gets pinched in panty elastic, or stuck on the adhesive on feminine hygiene products. How about a maxi pad getting bunched up during menstruation? Or, irritation from a yeast infection, or underwear creeping up our butts. Or even the after-effects of spicy food. We don’t have dicks, but we often do have other things going on down there.

            Touching yourself in public is about a sense of decorum. My mother taught me not to pick my nose or hock a lugie or scratch my crotch in public, even little girls do stuff like that. My mother is a “don’t do that, it doesn’t look good” type of person. I sometimes ask her “doesn’t look good to WHO?” and her mouth gets all pursety. Decorum says don’t touch your privates in public, don’t spit or blow your snots in the street. That reminds me of when I was 6 and our family visited a very poor country, my mother had taken me out while doing her errands. We were walking, not driving. The crush of poor people was all around. I saw a man blow out a humongous snot into the street, I mean I couldn’t believe something that big could come out of anybody’s head and not be their brain, which was gross enough, but then a blackbird swooped down and started pecking at it and that made me scream “Mom, look at that!” She just jerked me away, telling me not to look.

            But I’ve seen grown men “jingling” their package like it’s loose change while having a casual conversation, no distress apparent. It’s not clear that they do it because they are signaling attraction, or it’s just habitual handling. I think most women understand adjusting. But constant handling is a bit off-putting, I never know where I should be looking.

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        • 74

          Kre8eur says

          I’ve seen plenty of women dig in and pull up. Especially to give themselves more flattering cleavage. This isn’t bra straps we’re talking about, it’s flesh. Reproductive flesh or otherwise; it’s FLESH. Also; the day you can get torsion blockage in your breasts you can complain about a man’s need to adjust himself. We can actually develop SERIOUS issues from torsion. Blood flow is important as is position and is VERY uncomfortable to have one’s testicles bunched or twisted, not to mention the potential of organ death from a cut off blood supply because you insist we somehow wait out the pain until we’re in private. Stop speaking on behalf of all women because I know plenty. Not every one is tugging the bra; as I have said I see plenty of digging down and yanking flesh. Give it up already. You want to break taboo but keep adding more.

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          • 75

            bitty girl says

            I am sorry but breast are not a reproductive flesh or sexual organ, they are mammary glands. is time people become educated about this.
            but this is not about who should or should not adjust, we all need to some time or another but we don’t have to be so bold about it. A little decorum wont kill us.

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    • 77

      Sean says

      Why in the hell didn’t I have teachers that looked like you when I was in school? Now you know why thy adjust. Good looking female teacher + teenage male hormones = junk adjusting.

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    • 79

      says

      My son has been doing all of this since 3/4 months and still going strong at 10 months! I cringe whenever he tugs and squeezes and rolls it!!
      Great post, btw!! I feel like I wrote it with how you worded it and everything! We must have the same kind of humor. :-)

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