There seem to be a ton of people lately who don’t appear to quite grasp the concept of Internet-ing. And it’s often hard to distinguish the people who just don’t know any better from obvious trolls. Or, at least, I’d like to give them the benefit of the doubt and assume they don’t know any better and aren’t just being jerks on purpose. That’s probably a hefty hope, but I’m an optimistic kinda girl, so let’s go with that.
For those people teetering on that razor edge, we’ve covered some things before, but here are some new categories you might recognize.
1. Profanity Police
“I would have liked and/or shared this, but I can’t because of all those f-bombs. Really, can’t you use your grown-up words to get a point across?”
Fun fact: I wanted to title this piece Helpful Hints For How To Stop Being A Complete Twat On The Internet, but, you know, people are so goddamn censor-y lately. (Ms. Watch-Yer-Mouth, I’m looking at you.)
I’m sorry, but are you new here?
We’re grown-ups. We swear sometimes. If you don’t like it, that’s totally cool with me and there are tons of pieces out there that don’t contain even one little “damn” or “shit,” and I highly support their proliferation and advise you to seek them out immediately.
But in the meantime, if you think leaving a salty comment about language on a public forum is going to force (or even persuade) someone to dial back the profanity to suit your delicate sensibilities, you can go have several seats. This isn’t Burger King and no one is editing to order. You get what you get and you don’t pitch a fit.
In other words, I apologize for your dissatisfaction with the product you received, and your refund for the full purchase price of these services is in the mail.
2. The Gaspers and Pearl-Clutchers
“I can’t believe you’d publicly talk about your kids like this.”
“I don’t understand how anyone thinks it’s okay to call their kid an asshole.”
Once again, as gently as I know how to say this, I think you’re in the wrong corner of the Internet. This is not “Butterflies and Rainbow Land” over here.
News flash: Kids act like assholes sometimes. If you think otherwise, please send us all the drugs you are currently on, so that we may all experience this euphoria of parenting bliss.
In the meantime, the rest of us will continue commiserating with each other in our shared frustrations, because that’s what people do when they need to vent in order to keep from breaking things.
3. The Do-Gooder Wannabes
“Everything you write is always so negative!”
This I’ve found is really code for “I never comment on any of the positive articles, but why is it that you never post positive things for me to ignore as I scroll past in my search for shit to bitch about?”
Dude, look. If you want to see positive shit, you have to engage with the positive shit.
But you’re not. So quitcherbitchin about it.
And do not even try to lie about how much you love those kinds of posts. If you loved it, you’d comment on it or share it or engage with it in some way — and you don’t, so fuck off with your hypocritical bullshit.
4. The Butters
“I don’t mean to sound judgmental, BUT…”
Yes, you do. And you sound like an ass.
But if you really don’t mean to…you still sound like an ass. I’m not insulting you right now. I genuinely feel like that’s important information you need to know. It takes minute, but it’s entirely possible to learn how to speak your truth without shitting on other people’s.
In the meantime, for those who think a poorly placed “but” removes offense from your pointed criticisms, you can just go ahead and keep your judgments to yourself, honey. Jesus ain’t hiring.
Butters are kissing cousins to the “I’m just saying” people.
5. The “I’m Just Saying” People
“…[insert rude, snide, hateful remark]… but that’s just MY opinion”
6. The “I Know Better Than You” People
“I don’t think doing xxx makes you a bad parent, per say. But my kids are much better off because I don’t do that thing you just said you do.”
7. The “I Wish You’d Stop Whining About Your Oppression” People
“I am SO SICK of talking about [insert current hot topic that affects many people other than this obtuse ass).”
8. The “Dumb Widdle Wimmins” People
“You need to stick to the funny parenting shit and leave the politics to the big boys. There are other places to talk about this than here with mothering stuff.”
Respectfully, sincerely, from the very bottom of my big fat heart — fuck you and the horse you rode in on.
Sometimes moms have thoughts and shit — unrelated to literal shit, and diapers, and bottles — and sometimes we like to talk about those things with other people. Shocking, I know. And sometimes, it gets heated and people show their ass. (Not literally, but wouldn’t that be funny?) You know what? That’s okay. Because important shit is worth fighting over. Sometimes. Sometimes it’s not, and it’s stupid, and useless, and a gigantic waste of time, but we are talking about internet comments here, so there’s a bit of that to be expected regardless of the topic. But, that’s why editors give us those snazzy headlines and whatnot: to denote content. So you can breeze right the fuck on past if it’s not your cup of tea.
9. The “I Miss Being Able To Be A Bigoted Jackass More Freely” People
“It’s getting to where you can’t say anything to anyone without snowflakes getting their feelings hurt! I am so over all this PC bullshit!”
Maybe it would make more sense to the anti-PC brigade if instead of titles saying “Things You Say That Are Offensive,” it just said what it really is, which is “Stupid Shit You Say That Makes You Look Like An Asshole.” That should help clear up the confusion about whose feelerz are actually hurt here.
It’s less about having a thin skin and more about society on the whole having a higher standard than some people are used to. Words have always hurt people. It’s just that now it is seen as more okay to admit that they hurt, as opposed to “sucking it up” to make you more comfortable in your assholishness.
The world is changing, and some people need to come to grips with that fact.
10. The “Can We Just Stop This” People
“Can we stop with the open letters and the ‘what not to say” posts?”
Honey, no. Well, we could, if people would stop acting like an obnoxious box of dicks, but as long as people keep acting like their mamas never taught them any manners, you’re going to keep seeing people writing about it.
There is a way to avoid these kinds of posts though, and it’s not all that complicated if you passed the third grade. (See #8.) In case you missed it earlier, it’s called DON’T FUCKING READ IT. It’s weird how those things are titled, right? “Dear Teacher”, “Dear Person Who Hurt My Child’s Feelings”, “What Not To Say To Pregnant Women Who Will Eat Your Face Off If You Fucking Touch Their Stomachs Without Permission.” I mean, it’s almost like you could see those words right there in the headlines and just, like, you know, know what the story is about without even opening it. Isn’t that the weirdest damn thing you ever saw? It’s almost like they’re trying to give you a hint or some shit.