Now that summer is in full swing, it’s clear that I’m not the only mom who thinks this whole “watch them for 24 hours a day” thing is total bullshit.
You know how I know? Because the daycare (aka “Playcare”) at our gym is suddenly packed. It used to have a few tiny rugrats that belong to other stay-at-home parents. Now it’s packed full of kids of all shapes and sizes. Proof that when school is out, parents are still just as desperate to get away from their offspring as they ever were.
Are you one of us? Here are 10 signs you go to the gym to escape your kids:
1. You have the Playcare hours memorized and schedule other activities around the maximum amount of time the kids can spend there.
2. You know all the attendants’ names. They also know your name, and your kids’ names. It’s kind of like Cheers, but with no booze and significantly more snot.
3. You’ve gone to the gym just so you can poop audience-free.
4. You’ve gone to the gym just so you can shower for more than two minutes at a time.
5. You’ve kicked back in the locker room to read a book/magazine/phone in peace. You’ve at least considered reading in the bathroom stall to avoid people thinking you’re a creeper.
6. When you do work out, you avoid the machines closest to Playcare for fear your child will hear you, catch scent of you, or otherwise sense your presence and demand your immediate return.
7. You’ve changed a baby’s diaper in a locker room. You have firsthand knowledge that the acoustics of said locker rooms are not designed for screaming babies.
8. You’ve seen a Playcare attendant walk right up to you and right past you to find another parent. You sigh in relief, like when you see someone else get pulled over for speeding on the highway. You’re not happy that person got pulled over, but you’re so damn happy it wasn’t you.
9. Likewise, you’ve been the parent who gets interrupted five minutes into your workout because your kid has to go potty, has already gone potty (in their pants), or is just being an asshole. Of course they never SAY they’re being an asshole; they use codes like “really tired” or “having a rough day.” You’ve also done the walk of shame with the attendant back to Playcare, right past the other parents who are thrilled not to be you.
10. You carry a swimsuit in your diaper bag in case you “accidentally” forget your sneakers and “have” to use the hot tub instead.
If any of these sounds familiar, then it’s more than likely you go to the gym to escape your kids. I’m not here to fault you for it. I’m merely welcoming you to the club.
Now, if only we could get them to add a fully-stocked bar …