As a little girl of the 80s, I fantasized about growing up to be a pink-haired, star-earring wearing, secret-identity-hiding punk rocker. I guess dreams do come true, because now? My life is all glamour and glitter, fashion and fame.
I may not be as famous as the lead singer of your favorite hair band, but my life is pretty much exactly how I picture the life of a true rock star.
1. I hear my name chanted by the crowds. “Mom. Mom. Mom. Mommy. Mommy. Mama. Mama. Mama.” If I close my eyes, it’s just like I’m on stage in Madison Square Garden.
2. I have a stage name. My birth certificate doesn’t actually say “Mom” on it, but I answer like it does.
3. People throw their underwear at me. It’s not exactly how I imagined it, but yeah. They do.
4. I can rock out on my instrument. Four keys is all I need to create a masterpiece. Want to hear me play “Mary had a little lamb” on a miniature xylophone? It’ll give you goosebumps.
5. I live the party life. Late nights, vomit, hangovers. It’s all there.
6. I get in with the best manicurist in town, no appointment necessary. I sit down, put my hands on the table, and leave looking really special.
7. I hang out with other famous people. That’s me (in full stage costume) with Aurora and Captain America. They’re pretty much the most famous people in the entire world.
8. People want my autograph. Every day care in a 25-square-mile area has requested my Jem Hancock on an application, and I was more than happy to oblige. Hold on to that, folks. It’ll be worth something some day.
9. My fans are demanding. I am often asked to give repeat performances. Especially if they think “Goodnight Moon” wasn’t long enough the first time.
10. The fact that I can’t actually sing doesn’t seem to be a problem. I don’t even use autotune, and my fans clap, cheer, and usually ask for an encore. *buffs nails on shirt*