1. A Swiss Army Knife from the “Your Child Has Been Invited to a Birthday Party” collection. For those times Dad is responsible for getting your kid to the party on time, gift in hand. Includes a compass attachment for the detection of a suitable gift; fold-out emergency instructions on how to wrap the gift, including an explanation of what wrapping paper is, where it might be located in the house, and how to know it when you see it; a special RSVP tool that is really just an email you send to the child’s parents, because dealing with this shit is not fucking magic.
2. A programmable mask with various expressions of curiosity and engagement to be worn during conversations that include the words “exasperated,” “pantry moths,” “emotional” and “wrapping paper.” At various intervals, the mask murmurs, “That sounds really hard.”
3. A video called “How to Notice Your Child Is Unwell,” showing children lying in puddles of sweat and vomit, covered in boils with their eyeballs falling out and also compound fractures. Maybe Jennifer Lawrence is in it, because we’re still nice even when we’re angry, shrieking harpies (pediatrician’s phone number included).
4. A necktie with a recording of his own voice saying, “Do you need any help? I mean, it seems like you’ve totally got this!” at birthdays, dinner parties and holidays.
5. A wrapped Mother’s Day gift.
6. A barbecue apron that says, “My wife went through perimenopause and instead of a blow job all I got was yelled at about the ice cube trays.”
7. A shaving kit with shaving cream that is not Old Spice, and a card that says, “So you can stop smelling like my own dad, which has actually been weirding me out for decades.”
8. A weed whacker with an attachment for trimming nose hair.
9. A “Hockey Playoffs” Yankee candle that smells like mouth guards and hot wings and socks and men crying.
10. A nighttime energy converter that turn farts and snoring into wind power to charge his cell phone so he can watch the Jennifer Lawrence sick-child video again.
11. A nightshirt that says on the back, in glow-in-the-dark writing, “Wrap your arm around my waist. Spoon me. Because I’m here, and I’m warm, and I’m the most solid thing you know. This broad back is my gift to you. Be grateful.”
And you are. It’s hard to tell sometimes, what with the complaining and also the passive aggressive gift ideas, but oh, you really are.