1. They don’t drive. In fact, they will let you how awful cars are for the planet by vomiting on the back of your neck.
2. They don’t run the washing machine. The same Batman t-shirt, worn every day for 93 days in a row until it’s hanging in tatters like a cartoon of a guy crawling out of the desert, is just fine, thank you very much. They scorn your Old Navy.
3. They not only refuse to eat animal products, they refuse to eat anything at all. It’s not vegan so much as nothing-gan, the new wave in conservation.
4. They do not bathe, absolutely will not take a bath, what are you, trying to destroy the Earth? They wail even as the very word “tub” is uttered.
5. OK, fine. If their brother shares the tub, that might be OK. And if they can pee in there too, well, that saves a toilet flush, so much the better! And then drink it. When you’re two, all water is grey water.
6. They turn off the water when they brush their teeth, because they refuse to brush their teeth at all. They are distraught at the potential waste of water caused by brushing teeth.
7. They don’t fly. Because they can’t pay for their own seats and who wants to get on a plane with a 2-year-old who sprints like Flo Jo?
8. They don’t want to use too many disposable diapers. To save the Earth, they prefer to stay in a really disgusting dirty diaper…forever, in fact. They will scream at the injustice done to Earth by the insult of new, clean diaper.
9. They won’t waste water on plates and forks, because why not just pry up old Cheerios from under the stove?
10. They are really into recycling. They will spend hours fondling the empty orange juice bottle. They will bring an empty Beef Taquitos package to bed with them.
11. They spit on your mass-market plastic toys. An empty tampon wrapper is a perfectly good plaything.