13 Reasons The Neighbors Call Me 'That Angry Mom'

Getting in and out of the house is a flashpoint for my family. We’re generally okay when we’re outside, and we’re generally OK when we’re inside, but for some reason, the border crossing from out to in and vice versa is when I lose all my shit. And lucky for me, this is exactly the moment the neighbors can hear me best. Below, 13 reasons the neighbors call me “that angry mom.”

1. “Where are your shoes? Why are they not on? Yes, you can get them on by yourself. No, you are not a ‘widdle baby.’ C’mon we’re late. Give it a good try, and then I’ll help you. No, that was not a good try. PUT ON YOUR FUCKING SHOES!”

2. “Why didn’t you pee five minutes ago when I asked you if you had to pee? Now you’ll just have to wait.”

3. “Where is the baby? Did you set him somewhere? Are you guys playing hide-and-seek with me? WHERE IS THE BABY? Oh, here he is. WHAT ARE YOU EATING?”

4. “Did you brush your teeth? No? Okay, they’ll just rot out of your head, I guess.”

5. “Now you tell me about the permission slip? Now? The field trip is today. Where is the slip? Well then, dig through the garbage for it.”

6. “No, you cannot run outside without your shoes. It’s 40 degrees out, no. I said no. ARGGHHH, I SAID NO!”

7. “Are you guys playing a game called ‘Who Can Whine the Loudest or Something’? Because, haha [I’m trying to be lighthearted here], this is sounding a lot like the jazz vocal stylings of Okay, stop that is a horrible noise.”

8. “Oh, is that a permission slip? For today? And you need $10 for lunch or a packed lunch? Oh, let’s see, I have no cash. Well okay. Okay then. No, I’m still calm.”

9. “Oh, today is picture day too? And I gave you a bath last when? THIS IS JUST GREAT.”

10. “Okay, phew, let me just set down the groceries while I unlock the door. Sweetie, can you stop your brother from trying to take out all the food? That’s a glass bottle. Hang on. No, put that down. Honey, I SAID PUT THAT DOWN.”

11. “I know, I’m hungry too! Give me a few minutes to get dinner. Oh, you found a candy bar in my purse? Because I was really saving that for my…”

12. “Honey, you’re looking a little green. Let’s just get you into the bathroom. Oh dear. It’s okay, sweetie. No, don’t play in your brother’s vomit, hon. Honey, step away for a second. I’m trying to wipe off…I SAID STEP AWAY FROM THE VOMIT.”

13. “Let’s see who can be quiet the long—YOU JUST LOST.”

The thing is, once we’re safely inside, shoes off and groceries put away, we’re all good. Or, once we’re outside, strapped in and on our way, things are lovely. It’s just that zone, in which all the neighbors can pass judgment on my parenting. It’s okay, some of them look like they’re a little sketchy too—maybe one of them will offer me a Quaalude, or at least a candy bar. I could really use one.