As a new mom, I find that I have a lot of time on my hands. Not “clean the house do laundry practice proper hygiene” kind of time, more like “let my mind wander while waiting for the Keurig” time. Time to ponder the aspects of parenting that make no sense to me. A few months into my new routine, I am still baffled by these motherhood questions, the answers to which may forever be a mystery:
1. What exactly is BPA? Is it like asbestos? Gluten? All I know is that it’s bad, and that I should avoid it at all costs.
2. Why doesn’t anyone want to hear my birth story? It’s pretty exciting. No takers? I know the word “episiotomy” causes people’s sex organs to shrivel up and die, and that I should save my lactation stories for my first post-partum dinner party, but really. No one wants to hear about my triumph over agonizing pain? Or learn what color my amniotic fluid was? Anyone? Anyone?
3. Do all mothers think their newborns are cute? Because sometimes they look like a Cabbage Patch version of Gollum. Still cute? Yes? Just checking.
4. Why are baby clothes so complicated? We need to change them 15 times a day, and yet there are so many snaps and fasteners that by the time I’ve reassembled the baby into her onesie, she’s soiled herself again. Know who can get their clothes off fast? Strippers. Why can’t clothing designers take a page from their book and make baby outfits with tear-away Velcro?
5. Why do I own no fewer than 20 varieties of pacifiers, and yet my baby will only use the same one? And why has this particular pacifier just been discontinued?
6. Does the baby going to bed at 1 a.m. and waking up at 4 a.m. count as “sleeping through the night?”
7. Why is it that the second I get my kid to sleep for the night, I immediately turn into Inspector Clouseau and begin stumbling around her room, bumping into anything that makes loud noises or flashes light?
8. Who comes up with the jingles for toys? It really bothers me when they don’t even try to rhyme or have a consistent meter. My kid has a lot of toys that punctuate their verses with giggling. This seems like lazy songwriting. Also, wouldn’t these companies sell more toys if they were voiced by more appealing people, like British schoolchildren or Morgan Freeman?
9. Will I ever be able to say the word “nipple” in everyday conversation without blushing like a tween? The new phrases that have entered my vocabulary, like “nipple confusion,” “breast pump,” “co-sleeper,” and “rash cream,” make me feel less like a new mother and more like the production assistant for a porn flick.
10. How many calories are in a placenta? When people eat it, do they cook it first, maybe sauté it with vegetables, or do they gulp it down raw, like a hardcore fitness guru swallowing raw eggs?
11. Is there a way to keep my nursing curtain from turning into a Dutch oven? Because it’s getting steamy in there.
12. How important is it to know my baby’s stats? I have no idea what “percentile” she is in for anything, so I’ve been making it up: My baby is 85th percentile in ‘leg chub,’ 98th percentile in ‘lung capacity,’ and 5th percentile in ‘sleeping through the night.’
13. Why don’t even the simplest of toys come assembled? Seriously, do toy manufacturers not see the irony of my needing a tool set to put together a toy tool set?
14. Why is there a product called the “Baby Bullet?” Those are two words that should never go together, like “organic cookies” or “interrupted sleep.”
15. It gets easier… right? I hear toddlers and teenagers are much easier to manage. For now, I’m choosing to believe this.
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