Living in the Midwest in the winter keeps us hostage indoors for about five straight months. I’m in month two and I’m concerned that I have inhaled a bit too much testosterone. It just so happens that I live with four boys ranging in age from 4-11, a husband who could be described as a lumbersexual, and a male dog. In addition, the majority of my colleagues are male.
This morning, while at Crossfit, I was the only female and I don’t think anyone noticed. That was the first sign I may have been exposed to an unhealthy level of testosterone. The second one was when I grabbed my crotch in-between sets and expected to have something to adjust.
The final and most concerning sign of them all is when I went home and announced to my husband that the workout left me with my dick in the dirt. Just two months ago I wouldn’t have even known what that meant.
Are you surrounded by all males, too? Here are some signs that you need some girlfriend time, STAT…
1. You look in the mirror you pull your hair back as tight as you can to see what you would look like if you buzzed your hair and seriously consider doing it.
2. You have a pile of dirty socks in a pyramid next to your side of the bed.
3. The word dude becomes a universal pronoun in your vocabulary.
4. There isn’t a single bag of salad in your refrigerator.
5. You don’t even notice when your frenemy changes her profile picture to one that has been clearly altered with the airbrush tool.
6. You reach for the tweezers and think that shaving your mustache would be easier.
7. The browser history on your laptop includes anything with the word “Dumbest” in the title. Dumbest criminals, dumbest stunts, dumbest Internet searches about dumbest lists etc. A close second is anything with the word “Fail” in the title.
8. You haven’t pinned anything in the last 24 hours.
9. At a party for work you are the one who keeps saying, “That’s what she said.”
10. The sound of the female voice almost becomes inaudible, even your own.
11. The number one item on your Christmas wish list includes an article of clothing with a number and someone else’s name printed on the back.
12. You use body wash on your face.
13. You buy a pair of jeans without trying them on.
14. You have a newfound desire to play with your own boobs.
15. A vanilla latte doesn’t make you happy anymore.
If you, or someone you know, have experienced any of these things it may be time to get out of the house and go to Target. Go to a book club, wine club, any club and submerge yourself in all the goodness that only the company of women can provide.
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