There are some people out there who say they don’t really “get” Twitter.
Those people, I can only assume, are sad and lost and haven’t figured out who to follow yet, because Twitter is full of the funniest and dirtiest minds on the planet. It’s my laugh therapy.
And there is no such thing as Twitter After Dark because Twitter is hilariously inappropriate all day, every day. With funny tweets about sex, porn, orgasms, anal, sexting—and everything in between, the funny people of Twitter will always leave you satisfied and smiling (from laughing, you pervs).
It doesn’t get much better than humor that’s NSFW, but will make you LOL for real. Here are some of the funniest tweets about sex that I could find:
Let’s begin with a little something for the ladies:
I'll tell you what a woman wants. She wants you to drag her to the bedroom, toss her down, and do the dishes while she takes a fucking nap.
— Dan Ewen (@VaguelyFunnyDan) April 19, 2012
Or maybe naps aren’t your thing, but food is:
hate when people say "if u think this is better than sex, u haven't had good sex!", like no, maybe you've just never had good lasagna, Carol
— Audrey Porne (@AudreyPorne) August 4, 2017
Sex is like pizza, if you're going to use bbq sauce you better know what the fuck you're doing
— Mike Ginn (@shutupmikeginn) December 26, 2013
Food and sex just seem to go together:
that awkward moment when they think you're sexting, but really you're just describing the cake you're eating
— Stabbatha Christy (@LoveNLunchmeat) November 14, 2015
For better of for worse:
Sorry I yelled "killin' it" when your mom was eating that banana.
— Charlene deGuzman (@charstarlene) January 7, 2013
And sexting in general can feel awkward:
I don’t really sext as much as I just text Lil Kim lyrics to guys and hope they don’t notice.
— Tricia (@Im_Tricia) September 17, 2013
I never even know what emojis to use:
accidentally sending 😉 instead of 🙂 and feeling like you’ve just offered them your body
— 50 Shades of Awkward (@OhWowThatsAwk) September 9, 2013
Not that that stops me from doing it:
When you come across some porn on your TL in public but you still wanna see pic.twitter.com/EJMsfs1naX
— The CHILLanguage™ (@Sorry_ImLate_) October 5, 2016
But it’s easy to talk a big game from behind a keyboard:
when u was typin some really freaky shit behind the keyboard and now you gotta do it fr pic.twitter.com/02b9qPqfbD
— ᵘᵍᶫʸ ᵃˢˢ ᶠᵘᶜᵏᶦᶰᵍ ᶰᵒᵒᵈᶫᵉʰᵉᵃᵈ (@SADGllRL) March 23, 2016
In fact, sometimes you can barely believe your own words the next day:
reading sexts you sent when ur not horny anymore and u can't believe those things went thru ur head pic.twitter.com/D5pB3U6XIP
— bryan (@bryanlicious2) January 6, 2017
And sometimes your brain lives in the gutter anyway:
I just yelled "YANKING ON THE DICK!" so loud all the birds in the neighborhood flew away pic.twitter.com/tDvNpAvxoR
— Kevin (@Ginjerk) February 14, 2017
For ladies, sex is all about the foreplay:
Sometimes I think being a girl is so unfair and then other times I have 27 consecutive orgasms.
— Stephanie McMaster (@Smethanie) October 15, 2013
No matter how long it takes:
When you been eating her out for over a half hour pic.twitter.com/1Ry8739UNV
— Zay The Usurper (@ZayBody) March 15, 2016
And sometimes you need to stop to put your hair up:
And according to Twitter, even breakfast cereal is doing some pretty freaky shit:
smh even my cereal out here eating ass pic.twitter.com/yHLTD1ZLE6
— ㅤyonas (@Yansii_) September 4, 2014
Actually a lot of tweets about sex involve fictional characters:
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
— Snorklhuahua (@weinerdog4life) January 29, 2014
While others are almost too real:
"When u sit on the dick and it pokes u in the heart" LMFAOOOO pic.twitter.com/V2Vjuto71K
— alex gabrielle glenn the undying (@lexkardashh) November 16, 2015
And others are way too real:
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] "Go on without me"
— Noodles (@Dawn_M_) July 25, 2015
If you’re a parent, you understand the importance of sex education:
Son, it's time I told you about the Applebirds and the Applebee's.
*pumps a mozzarella stick through an onion ring until we get kicked out*
— ghost mom (@radtoria) August 21, 2015
Or, if you’re married, sexting mostly looks like this:
The key to keeping a marriage alive? Sexting pic.twitter.com/gzCpNShF7C
— Nicole Richie (@nicolerichie) May 11, 2014
Twitter is a lot of things, but it’s definitely intended for adults only. Because it’s funny as hell, but it will always be dirty AF.