A little while ago, I wrote down a few things that suck ass when you have a toddler. Turns out, there are even more things that aren’t the most pleasant when you have a wee one. Apparently this is turning into a series. Here are six more things:
Have you ever tried to power shave while a tiny being riffles through your bathroom drawers and somehow manages to find your pube-trimming scissors (don’t act like you don’t have something similar in your bathroom) and tries to run off with them?
That’s what it’s like when you try to take a shower while your toddler is awake. It just doesn’t work. Not only will you cut the shit out of yourself, but once you are out of the shower, you’ll find your bathroom is total chaos. Picture toilet paper everywhere. And where the hell did all the toothbrushes go? Toddlers love toothbrushes, FYI. Just hurry up and get dressed because there is no telling where your toddler ran to or what he or she is playing with in your brief absence.
2. Potty Time
It only took having two children for me to realize that I will never go to the bathroom alone again. It doesn’t matter how I try to sneak away—my toddler finds me. I can’t even count how many times I have been locked in a death stare with my wee one, trying to do my business, and wondering why the hell anyone would want to hang out in a bathroom with a person going poop. I would rather be doing anything but that, including watching *shudders* Daniel Tiger on repeat while eating those horrific toddler raviolis.
Oh, Crayola, you are ruining my life. If you or someone you know has a toddler, there is a good chance at least one of the walls in said toddler’s house has been “decorated” with crayons. And here’s the thing, no matter how many times you think you managed to wrangle all of the crayons into one place where your toddler can’t get them, you are wrong. There will always be a rogue crayon lying in wait and your precious angel will find it and draw squiggles all over your world. Just accept it now and stock up on Magic Erasers. Pray they will work.
A good night’s sleep is as mythical as a rainbow-pooping unicorn when you have children. With newborns, you never sleep. With toddlers, you have to sleep with one eye open. Toddlers manage to escape their cribs when you least expect it. And when they learn how to climb out once, forget it, your relaxing night life is over for a little bit. Ditto for nap time. Toddlers can open doors, which means they can escape the confines of their room, and maybe even your house. Make sure you childproof the hell out of everything. You never know when your toddler might stand over you in the middle of the night, mouth-breathing in your face and poking at your closed eyes. They are stealthy, those little nuggets.
Sharing is caring, but it totally sucks when you have a toddler. I don’t want to give my child a piece of my sandwich. I don’t want to have to hide in my closet eating a Big Mac because my spawn demands that I give her the whole thing and not just a bite, lest she throw an epic fit, rendering me disgusted and no longer hungry. And how does my toddler have sonic hearing when it comes to me opening a candy wrapper, but she can’t hear me when I ask her not to throw her dinner all over the dining room table and floor, again? Coincidence? Fuck no. All eating must be done when the toddler is sleeping or you will be sharing. Again, this is something that you must accept. It just comes with the toddler territory.
What’s the point? No, I’m dead serious. It seems like the second any sort of mess is cleaned up you can turn around and find another one waiting. So you clean that one up. Then you turn around to the original mess, and lo and behold, it’s back and worse than before. And all you can think is, I literally turned around for a second! How the fuck does this keep happening? That neat pile of folded laundry? You better get that shit put in its proper place immediately or your toddler will grab handfuls of clothes and just start chucking. Did you just put all your throw pillows back on your couch? That’s cute, but do yourself a favor and hurl them to the ground, because according to your toddler, that’s where they live, as does any cute knickknack you’ve ever tried to display. Here’s a tip to save you time: Leave your vacuum plugged in somewhere in your living room at all times. This will come in handy when you have to clean up mounds of smashed Goldfish crackers out of your carpet. You’re welcome.
Oh trust me, there’s more. Just wait.