1. You’re at the mall. Why is your toddler crying?
a) No quarters for the coin-operated rocket ship ride.
b) You won’t buy her a whole cookie cake.
c) Afraid of the auto-flush toilets.
d) It doesn’t matter, just be impressed that you’re not crying, too.
2. What’s for dinner tonight?
a) Herb citrus roasted chicken with garlic parmesan scalloped potatoes… uh, according to my Pinterest boards.
b) Something Crock Pot related.
c) Leftovers from whatever I made in the Crock Pot yesterday.
d) Frozen nuggets. Yes, again.
3. Your back hurts. Why?
a) Carried baby for about 47 hours yesterday.
b) Scrubbed pee off the floor behind the toilet.
c) Stooped over repeatedly to hear tween son’s mumbling.
d) Probably out of habit, by now.
4. Where’s the lost blankie?
a) Ugh, I bet we left it at Grandma’s.
b) Wedged between the wall and the mattress, like always, even though I’m the only one who ever thinks to look there.
c) I don’t know, probably with last winter’s lost scarves and all those mateless socks?
d) I snuck it into the hamper because it’s so filthy it was starting to attract feral cats.
5. What did your kid just swallow while you weren’t looking?
a) OMG DID SHE SWALLOW SOMETHING? SOMEONE CALL 911!
b) 87 delicious gummy vitamins.
c) Something gross off the sidewalk.
d) Hmm, I guess we’ll find out later, won’t we?
6. So your child started preschool, and you’re nervous. What’s the worst that could happen?
a) She’ll refuse to take a nap and be super cranky later.
b) She’ll wet her pants, since I forgot to send a change of clothes.
c) She’ll have such an epic tantrum about being served a banana with brown spots that we’re asked never to come back again.
7. What is the right amount of screen time?
a) 30 minutes per day.
b) 30 minutes per day plus however many extra hours I add to maintain my sanity.
c) I stay out of it — what I don’t see can’t hurt me.
d) UNLIMITED. Wait, were we talking about the kids?
8. Oh dear, the family hamster died. What do you do?
a) Hold a small, solemn funeral in the backyard.
b) Tell the kids about the great farm where he lives now.
c) Hope the kids don’t notice — they lost interest in having a pet two days after you brought it home, anyway.
d) “Died? What do you mean he died? He’s right here!” *hides receipt from pet store*
9. The children are out of the house! Which neglected task will you tackle first?
b) Thank you notes from six Christmases ago.
c) Organize kids’ baby photos.
d) Shut up, I can’t hear you over my Netflix marathon.
ANSWER KEY: They’re all right. Relax, you’re doing great — now make some room for me on the couch, my kids are out of the house, too.
Related post: Dear Toddler, Screw Your Tantrums