Please allow me to explain. I have been doing this parenting thing for 20 years now and have succumbed to the inability to resist the use of any kind of profanity or vulgar hand gestures behind my children’s backs. What can I say? I am only human.
As many of us know, our children are the light of our lives, the apple of our eyes, the reason for the gray in our hair…and they can piss us off worse than we ever thought possible. I mean, my kids have made me cry. They have said things to me that I used to cringe at when I was a new mom and thought, “That will not be my child!” Well, guess what? It’s my child, the very human I gave life to, who can break my heart into pieces, have me in a fetal position in my bed, tears rolling down my face and soaking the pillow. Then, an hour later, they will walk up to me and behave as though they have no idea why I have lost my mind and want nothing to do with them in that moment. In an instant, the little twerp looks at you with those eyes that you first fell in love with when they were born. They give you that sweet smile that has helped them work their magic after you have said “NO” a dozen times, and you can’t stop yourself from at least shooting back a slight grin.
So, now I would now like to share with you a short list of some of the moments that have brought me to the (not so proud) moments of flipping the bird or even mouthing a not so nice comment behind their backs.
1. Once my oldest had finally hit middle school, we were doomed. At this age, they tend to put on a tough guy front and are way too cool to have their friends see that they actually love their mommy. So yeah, I believe the first time I flipped off one of my kids was when I was completely ignored by my oldest. He and a couple of his buddies walked right by me and straight to the bedroom without a “hi” or even a nod. Yep, I was pissed. I was hurt. And my immediate response was probably childlike and immature, but it came out before I could even think twice.
2. When making dinner for my family of seven and at least two or three of my children decide they aren’t hungry at the moment, certain words may make their way across my lips. They may not be audible, but if you can read lips, you can figure it out.
3. Having all boys can be a major reality check. They don’t smell the smells you can smell. They don’t see the mess you can see, and when you let them know they need to work on getting the mess cleaned up and air out their bedroom, you get the response, “I already did that.” The smell alone is enough to cause obscenities to roll off of your tongue, but to be told that what you smell and see has already been taken care of may just cause you to close a door, throw up your middle finger at it and just walk away feeling slightly better than if you had chosen to create a battle this time. Remember this, they may win some battles, but we will always win the wars.
4. Our youngest children are being groomed, and they are learning from the best—their siblings. Keep your guard up! They are cute. They can be so sweet, and they know they are your babies. They can also be the biggest shits of them all. So when the time comes that they roll their eyes at you as if you said something so completely dumb or embarrassing, you just might shock yourself after realizing you made a gesture you never, ever wanted to use behind your youngest’s back and it didn’t make you feel like an absolute jerk.
5. Teenagers! Girlfriends! Teenage girlfriends! Need I say more?
6. “Mom, I need new shoes.” “Mom, I need some new jeans.” “Mom, I need some money for dinner with the guys.” “Mom, I need gas money.” “Mom, I lost my school books, and we have to pay for them.” “Mom, my football cleats are just a little tight, so I need new ones. Oh, and while we are out, I might as well get some receiving gloves too.” “Mom, I have no idea how, but I broke my phone for the third time and I need a new one.” “Mom, I need help with school loans.” “Mom, I need help with insurance.” “Mom, I need help!” And after all these years of hearing these and many more, I get the, “You won’t do this for me? Oh my God! I never ask you for anything!” Yep, I want to say I probably abused both the flipping off and the use of certain words under my breath when I heard that one.
So in a nutshell, our children will bring us to the lowest of lows, but in return, they will also be the pride and joy of our lives. And they are just so damn lucky we love them more than life itself!