Dear Expectant Mother

Dear Expectant First Time Mother,

You look so sweet, all well-rested and eager! I’ll bet you’ve registered for every fancy gizmo and gadget out there for your soon-to-be arriving little bundle of joy. The baby monitor is all set up and the bottle nipples have been sterilized twice. Your hospital bag sits by the door and you are counting down the days until you sit in your newly purchased glider with a fresh baby in your arms.

You’ve no doubt heard an abundance of advice from every person you’ve crossed paths with since you announced your pregnancy, and the advice has only just began. I suggest you don’t listen to any of it at all. Except the advice I offer, of course. And my advice today is simple: Don’t be a hero. Milk the remainder of your pregnancy and milk your delivery. It’s the end of an era.

The last few weeks of your pregnancy represent the last time in your life when your world revolves around you. People dash to the phone when they see your number on the caller ID. Your husband doesn’t get annoyed if you call him during a business meeting. The food cravings you’ve had your whole life are suddenly acceptable and people will make every effort to meet them. Strangers hold doors for you and give you seats and sympathetic glaces. Enjoy them!

Once you are a mother, nobody takes care of you. Mothers don’t get sick days and mothers don’t get sympathy; we’re too busy taking care of everybody else. This is it. This is the end of your time to wallow and whine and expect anyone to give a shit. And, they will give a shit, because you’re having a baby! Prop your feet up, demand that they be rubbed and ask for a cup of tea. Set a timer, even. Go, baby-daddy, go!

If you plan on getting an epidural (which I highly recommend, unless having your vagina ripped apart is your idea of a good time,) and are lucky enough to experience a pain-free birth, lie. There is simply no reason for your husband to know just how void of agony the whole experience has been. You lose major bargaining points if, in the future, you can’t reference just how horrid delivering his child was. When I roll my eyes at my husband’s complaints over a cold and scream, “BUT I BIRTHED THREE BABIES!!!” he can turn around and retort, but you were in no pain! You had the best drugs of your life! You loved delivering them! And, he’s right. But, goddamnit, he shouldn’t know that.

If you have a natural birth (God love you,) or a C-section, milk that recovery. There is time to be a hero, but this isn’t it. Stay in the hospital until they kick you out; it’s a pleasure cruise compared to what’s waiting for you at home. The next breakfast in bed you dine on will be lovingly prepared by your children and completely inedible. Your husband can fetch you some fresh squeezed orange juice and a muffin. Make him. Watch lots of TV, read a book, talk on the phone. Most of all, just lie back in bed, cuddle your baby and make the world come to you. You deserve it.

Motherhood ain’t easy, so make this brief period of time as enjoyable as you can. You’ll never regret it.

Best of Luck,

Scary Mommy

About the writer

@scarymommy

In addition to being the founder of all things Scary Mommy, Jill is also the New York Times bestselling author of Simon and Schuster’s Confessions of A Scary Mommy and Motherhood Comes Naturally (And Other Vicious Lies)

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Louis 1 year ago

Thank you Jayme again you captured the beuaty of my precious grandson Aden and my beautiful daughter. You did the same with my granddaughter Aza and my other grandson Elijah and their mother also my daughter. You have such a great talent. I am a very proud Gramma Thank you.

Robert 1 year ago

Absolutely Stunning!! She really is a beaufitul baby. We are so happy for you both and may little Daniella bring so much joy and laughter into your lives.Can’t wait to see her again!!With lots of love,Rafiekies

Franco 1 year ago

looks like the girls are chilling out! nice photo! i can tell that they are close frnieds.btw, i would like to invite you to join my movie meme, . hope to see you there! thanks!

Pradipta 1 year ago

Oh I remember those feelnigs so well! I cried a number of times that week leading up to my induction, including the morning of. I felt like I was mourning a very sweet and simple time in my life with just my little guy. And I had no idea how to give of myself so completely to two little people. I have to say though, as soon as Sadie was born all those feelnigs disappeared. In the first few months she basically just slept all the time and I was amazed at all the time I was still able to have with just Max. And now almost a year later they truly are the best of friends. They bring a kind of joy and laughter into each other’s lives that neither Ben nor I could ever fill. It is amazing and I’m so in love with having TWO! Good luck

Juan 1 year ago

I just got home from a week at the beach and I VERY much recommend you take your break there! Plus, once you get a litlte tan, you don’t feel as bad about the extra pounds:)I haven’t joined up with PINT in a couple weeks but I enjoyed reading these.

2byC 4 years ago

Whoa…hold on a moment, they still shave down there…? I had two sections and I kept all my pubies, thank you very much. Didn’t realize they still did that. Man, I’m grateful to my OBGN…maybe I should send her flowers (4 years later)….that I didn’t have to go through leaky boobs, hemmherroids and an itchy mound.

Candy 4 years ago

I love drugs!

Blessed Be

Candy 4 years ago

Just blame stabbing her on PPD. You’ll get happy pills 😀
I wish I had read something like this before my son was born
Blessed Be

denay 4 years ago

just a small point to make… i had a drug free birth, and left the birth center three hours later for home. did drive thru on the way home for mexican food and there was no ‘recovery’. I was up and about from that point forward. My labor was far from painful. Intense, yes, but painful, no. 44 hrs from the time my water broke to the moment she was born. No ripping either.

Just sayin’… it doesn’t have to be like that.

Xander’s Mommy 4 years ago

Coconuts… Too funny!! let’s put a car up on blocks…BAHAHA

Coconuts 4 years ago

Go in bald. I mean it. Take it all off. Don’t listen to the lies from anyone saying “most Dr.s don’t make you shave.” If you end up having an unplanned C Section you are going to get a nurse with a Bic razor and some KY Jelly. It itches like hell when it grows back. You are much better off doing it yourself.

Coconuts 4 years ago

Drugs rock!

Coconuts 4 years ago

I had to pop a percocet and get up and cook for my in laws 2 days after a C section. I needed to eat because I was nursing and my husband felt like he could stay at the office because his parents were there to help. The last straw was when my MIL set the ironing board up in my foyer because she likes to “Arn” in the light (spelling intended for the inflection) Let’s just put a car up on blocks and a couch on the porch next time.

BabyBumpBeyond Heather 4 years ago

GG- Thanks! Working in the “baby industry”, I have to listen to a LOT of stuff about “unnecessary c-sections” and how women need to be empowered to do it all natural and with a doula or midwife and doctors are evil etc.
To me, being able to make a choice- whatever it is, natural/epidural/c-section etc, IS empowering!

I’ve worked very hard at not blowing up at these “professionals” when they talk about how terrible c-sections are and when I read article titles like “surviving a c-section”.

I think that it’s a woman’s body and she should be able to choose. Everyone who is against c-sections gets stuck on the recovery time- I was totally pain free and back to “normal” within a week, a friend of mine took 6 months to heal from her vaginal birth.
To clarify- I’m not against vaginal births in general, it’s just not for me.

GG 4 years ago

I love it…. whenever I mention that I MIGHT want an elective c-section I get jumped on by the mommy brigade with their judgy looks. As long as the baby gets out safe and sound, what do they care!!!!!

LibraryLady 4 years ago

So true. I would add that it only works for the first pregnancy. The second time around your husband is complaining that HIS back hurts from carrying the toddler, and that HE is exhausted…when you are the one doing all the same stuff on four hours of sleep and carrying an undisclosed-but-significant number of extra pounds right over your bladder.

graciewaci 5 years ago

ROFL omg that is halarious i love your comment “she offered but i politely declined because she is a horrendous cook” i laughed out loud on that one for sure because my mother-in-law is the same! She gets an “A” for effort, but bleech for food taste.

maternity clothing chick 5 years ago

i feel your pain, Zeemaid. i also have a baby, a pre-pre-schooler and a pre-schooler. whenever i get sick, i dream of getting a hotel room for nothing more than tv, room service and sleeeeep. one of these days, i’m actually going to do it.

Dorothy @ Kids Birthday Party Places 5 years ago

so true!! first pregnancy is unforgettable and really different in
next pregnancy..savor every minute of it :)

Carabee 5 years ago

I wish I had read this before I had my daughter. I wish my daughter had come when I wanted her to, which was a week late. Sadly, the little bundle of joy had to come right on time and ruin my plans for a last week of late pregnancy bliss. If I knew then…

Heidi 5 years ago

A-Men! I tell my new mommy friends all the time to milk it; life with a baby/kid is awesome, but there’s something about those pregnancy months that will really boost one’s ego. I loved every minute of it. :) And I’m with Lynn, the first commenter: I’m still recovering from my c-section, physically and emotionally. 😉 That deserves *something* for crying out loud!

Jessica 5 years ago

Probably once a week I wish I could go back to the hospital and cuddle my little baby and have people take him when I want to sleep and bring me food and watch what I want to watch on the tv. Sigh. I shouldn’t have to WANT to be in a hospital.

Jennifer@ The Mommy Mambo 5 years ago

Amen.

Where was this 6 years ago, huh? Stupid me couldn’t wait to get the twins crowding my lungs out of there!
Breathing is really overrated!

Lynn 5 years ago

Heh, too funny. I hadn’t even thought about this until reading your post, but I think the last time my husband rubbed my feet was when I was pregnant almost 7 years ago.

Jill 5 years ago

Awesome advice. I wish I’d had this before my first.

“Cookie” 5 years ago

That is the BEST advice a new mother can get. I’ve got 2 boys and think back to the last few wks of pregnancy with #1…… Damn! I should have been a hell of a lot lazier!!

Bella 5 years ago

This is great! Thanks for the laugh. It would be even funnier if it weren’t so damned true !

Sarah A 5 years ago

I’m begging for a third child just for the 3 day hospital stay. After birth pain meds whenever I want. Someone else to take the crying baby so I can rest. 3 meals a day. Control over the TV.

Best part?
A bed. All to myself. All night long.

Unfortunately, I spent most of my first pregnancy deflecting the crappiest unsolicited advice ever. And trying to be nice about telling my brand new husband (I was 6.5 months along when we decided to get married) that while the intent was appreciated, I did not want a 50 gallon tote full of “yard sale specials” his mom and sister gave me. A used crib and dresser? Sure I’ll gladly take that. Used clothes and bibs? Ehh…maybe. Used bottles AND NIPPLES? Really? No. Thank. You.

30ish Mama 5 years ago

I literally laughed out loud. If I knew then what I know now I would have definitly milked it!

Zeemaid 5 years ago

Oh how true it is. I’d also mention that definnitely sleep when the baby sleeps because if you’re planning on having more than one that napping luxury is no longer an option. WIth my first, I wasn’t a nap person at all, by the time I had my third I was desperate for those mid-afternoon naps but between a baby, preschooler and toddler there was no way that was going to happen. There are actually days where I half fantasized about being hospitalized for something just so I could get some kid and hubby free rest. *L*

Rebecca 5 years ago

Really really funny. I agree with everything.

Erin I’m Gonna Kill Him 5 years ago

With my third delivery, a couple weeks ago, my OB suggested I could go home a day early. Hell no.

myevil3yearold 5 years ago

So True! I remember sitting on the bathroom floor holding my oldest when he was a few weeks old and crying because the phone had to ring at the exact moment this rookie mom was holding this rookie, slippery as snot rookie baby and there was no way I could manage getting to the phone to answer it. But what I was realy crying about was that I knew, no matter who is was on the other end, they were not calling to check on me.

Loukia 5 years ago

Love this, Jill! SO true. I used to eat McFlurries EVERY SINGLE DAY of my first pregnacy and I would nap everwhere… gone are the days…. however, one of the main reasons I’m not having baby number 3 is because I’ve now reached the point where life is starting to get easier again – well, except for my children’s sleep habits, the fact that my almost three year old is still not in his own bed at night, and the fact that I still can’t say no – but! I’m starting to go out more! More movies! More wine! More freedom! I don’t think I can do it all over again. Great post!

Kimberly Huber 5 years ago

I am so afraid that someday I will have a daughter-in-law that talks about me the way I talk about my MIL- but that doesn’t stop me from bitching about her!

Vicki Archer 5 years ago

I love it!! I am a mother of three, but still had to read this! Just I wish I could have some ME time now! Maybe another baby!! Lol

Angi B 5 years ago

With my first I was in for a surprise. I had pre-e with him and was in the hospital at 29/30 weeks. Induced two weeks later. 24 hours of labor later, 2 pushing and bam! c-section. I remember being in the NICU with him a few days later, feeling dizzy and when I told the nurse, she told me to just “pull up a chair.” I was horrified – I was hormonal, still recovering from surgery and having to deal with the emotional impact of watching my preemie struggle to survive. And of course these weren’t little chairs. These were huge recliners!

I think that was the same nurse who told me that if I didn’t nurse my baby, he would die. Classy lady.

I will say this – apparently I look so warn out and exhausted from being up with sick kids that when I went to the store, someone actually let me cut in line to check out. A rare moment!

Nina 5 years ago

I 100% remember my hospital days with fondness. Two days is NOT enough time!! It’s almost criminal that they send us home so soon. I always tell new parents to milk the hospital stay. Like you said, it’s THE LAST time anyone is focused entirely on you and that you have 24/7 help for the baby!

Jill nunes 5 years ago

Also, go out on a date at every opportunity before that baby comes! Go to expensive restaurants, savor every bite… Savor that you still have money to spend like this… On yourselves… Spend the extra $50 you will soon be spending on a babysitter on something ridiculous, like new makeup at the fancy department store. Journal these nights so you can remember them in juicy detail when you need a date night but can’t afford this level of decadence any longer!

Melisa 5 years ago

I’m toward the end of my second pregnancy. I haven’t enjoyed it…what’s to enjoy? I am chasing around a toddler and have a husband that is away 3 to 4 nights a week. I wish I had milked my first pregnancy but instead I wanted to be a trooper!

Sasha 5 years ago

If this isn’t absolutely the most true thing I’ve ever read, I’ll eat my hat. And I don’t even own a freaking hat.

Jessica 5 years ago

Thanks for this, Jill! As an expectant mother, I definitely need this advice! We’re thinking its going to be a boy, so I’m sifting through all of your posts about your boys at the minute to work out what to expect!

babybumpbeyond 5 years ago

Worked for me- elective c-section all the way!
Greatest decision I ever made!

Mama Kat 5 years ago

I’m sure I’ve mentioned this before, but Pat gives me such a hard time when I reflect on my days in the hospital, “Geez Kat, you act like we were staying at the Hilton!”

Indeed. We were! I took full advantage of the 24 hour room service. Milkshake at 3am?? WHY NOT!?!

The best days of my life…

Maegan 5 years ago

A little trick to making the second pregnancy work out for you…MOVE. Get new friends, a new workplace, a new church…and everyone will go all nuts like it’s the first baby all over again. 😉

Lois 5 years ago

You are so right! Although I was ready for both of my kids to come early. With gestational diabetes and having to give myself insulin shots four times a day, #2 couldn’t come early enough.

Jennifer 5 years ago

All of this is so true and I wish I had it when I was expecting. I kept going through all of this… stuff, and then I would ask my friends with kids and their response would be “oh yeah, that’s normal,” and all I could think was “wtf?! why didn’t you tell me?!!!”

Jack 5 years ago

That natural birth link made me laugh- I didn’t even watch. But that is because I was there for the births of all of my children and while I knew it was messy I had no clue.

Really, my son popped out along with so much other stuff that I was surprised that my wife didn’t just deflate on the table. I don’t miss the anxiety of those last few weeks before she delivered.

I know, it is not the same as carrying the baby but it is not entirely a picnic for us either. If you are in the same position I was you commute to work and fear getting the call to hit the hospital while you are caught in traffic.

Every little grimace or hiccup your wife makes is cause to jump up and ask if it is time. Ok, maybe that is the first time around but….

Liz 5 years ago

This is so right-on.

I’m a new mom to a 6 month-old, and sometimes I wish I could go back to those pregnant days. I would appreciate them much more now than I did then!

Nicole (Ninja Mom) 5 years ago

Having four kids has mislead new moms to think I’m a font of wisdom. I always tells them:

– Do whatever it takes to get some sleep.
– Accept all help.
– Buy every infant OTC medicine to have on hand. Most of it won’t work and the rest you’ll never open, but at 3 am it’s soothing to momma to have options.
– Duct tape. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but someday it will come in handy. You can’t even imagine the ways.

But your advice? I’ll be adding it to my list.

Lessons in Life and Light 5 years ago

(Having issues being able to properly work my computer today, lol. Sorry if I’m duplicate commenting!)

What I basically said was that I’m sure it will come as no surprise to you, Jill that I’m with Brooke on this one. The whole hospital “tour” scares the freakin’ bujeezus out of me. And keep that fucking needle away from my spine!

That said, the good thing here is that we’re all fully capable of making our own decisions here. There’s no “right” way–just what’s right for YOU.

Lessons in Life and Light 5 years ago

I’m sure it will come as no surprise to you, Jill, but I’m with Brooke on this one, lol. The whole hospital “tour” scares the freakin’ bujeezus out of me. And keep that fucking needle away from my spine!

However, the wonderful thing here is that we are all fully capable of making choices that are best for each of us. There’s no right way–just the right way for YOU :)

MommyTime 5 years ago

This is awesome x 100, completely true, and ought to be required reading for all first-time mothers. The only thing I would add is that when things aren’t perfect after the little bundle of joy is born, tell someone and don’t be afraid to ask for help.

Kim Murphy-Kovalick 5 years ago

My in-laws showed up at the hospital while I was in labor. We don’t have one of those close and loving relationships like some people. It’s more like the hissing-mean-things-in-your-ear-when-others-aren’t-listening type of relationship. Why, then, bother to come to the hospital when they didn’t stand a snowball’s chance of being admitted to the labor room? My MIL brought soup for my husband. Somebody had to make sure he was fed.
Kim

Rebecca 5 years ago

I did a fairly good job of milking my first pregnancy.

But I really could have done so much better.

I am disappointed in myself.

Jen 5 years ago

If I didn’t have to have another baby at the end, I would get pregnant all over again just for this. What you speak is awesome and NEVER comes again.

TornadoTwos 5 years ago

You are very wise, everyone expecting their first needs to listen to this! Why does everyone rush out of the hospital?!? You have an army of people who’s sole purpose is to take care of YOU. It’s like a vacation. And when you’re really pooped and just need a break, they take the baby so you can nap! Once your home, forget it. We so quickly are reduced to “oh, it’s just mom”.

JennyBean 5 years ago

Everything. You. Said. Is. On. The. Mark.

One other thing: after baby comes home, sleep when baby sleeps.

Messy Mom 5 years ago

I have always preached… get the drugs and let the baby sleep in the nursery. 1st baby, I was home the next day. Second baby, they told me I had to go.

I’m So Fancy 5 years ago

And now I feel even MORE jipped! 7 rounds of IVF, where was my foot rub? And then suddenly mother to two. Without a single positive pregnancy test. Seriously screwed in so many ways…ha. Then again, my vagina remains intact, so hey. x

Kimi 5 years ago

Best. Post. Ever.

I didn’t really enjoy being pregnant but what a picnic it was compared to my teething 8 month old who has no idea what sleeping through the night is.

Preach on!

Kristie 5 years ago

Your blog almost made me pee my pants. Hilarious. Thank you for making my day.

Kristie 5 years ago

Same here. My husband reminds me of the nice little delivery details.

For me though I was asking to go home both times as soon as the baby was out. I hate hospitals and when they come in at 2am and try to take your sleeping baby to the nursery or start poking, I mean checking up on you.

Alicia 5 years ago

You’re the best!! Thank you!!!

Vicky O 5 years ago

I wish I has read this before my baby was born so so true read and learn Mothers up be!!

Scary Mommy 5 years ago

Oh, I can just see the pen thing. Been there, done that. Our ships have sailed.

Crystal 5 years ago

THat was excellent…and brutally honest. If only that poor, sweet, naive mama-to-be truly knew what lies ahead. I wrote a post “The Truth About Motherhood” well I tell the dirty secrets of what happens to your poor baby-bearing body. I think we all deserve a medal!

Scary Mommy 5 years ago

I couldn’t even stomach watching my own children’s births in the mirror. I’m going to pass on this.

Scary Mommy 5 years ago

Wow. He sounds charming.

Scary Mommy 5 years ago

Wait? We’re not supposed to do that?

Scary Mommy 5 years ago

Yes, jewelry everyday for the rest of your life. Or, at least help with the dirty diapers.

Scary Mommy 5 years ago

Exactly. I pity the poor women who talk about how anxious they are for the worst to be over.

Scary Mommy 5 years ago

Right? I crave things every day of my life and don’t give into them. That’s my favorite part of pregnancy. And, also the reason I gained 60 pounds each time.

Scary Mommy 5 years ago

Ohhh, that’s a good one. I’ll work on that.

Scary Mommy 5 years ago

It works for me.

Scary Mommy 5 years ago

I am setting my future daughter-in-laws up for so much failure the way I dote on my boys. I literally clapped when my youngest woke up this morning. It’s only down-hill from here.

Scary Mommy 5 years ago

Oh, absolutely. And it’s just so tragic that by the time you learn this stuff, it’s meaningless. Such a cruel part of life.

Scary Mommy 5 years ago

I was so anxious to go home with Lily. With the others, they had to kick me out. I knew what was waiting once I got there!

alex 5 years ago

Absolutely true! Once you´re a mother all the sympathy goes away. Really sad.

Felicia 5 years ago

Best post ever! As we say in our family once the baby is born non one comes to see you its all about the kid.

Passing this on to my sister in law who is expecting her first kid.

Kate Coveny Hood 5 years ago

So true… Once I heard an “end stage-pregnancy” lady say that she couldn’t wait to give birth so she “could finally sleep comfortably again.” HA! At 4:00 a.m. this morning I realized that I was sharing my queen size mattress with three children – and I actually thought my 3 inches of personal space felt roomy as my husband happened to be out of town.

Also – I have a very funny memory of dropping a pen at work one day shortly after I returned from maternity leave and fully assuming someone else to pick it up for me. I looked at the coworker in front of me expectantly until the extraordinary epiphany that I was now pretty much expected to cater to my own needs and whims. Oh – and those of the baby of course.

Tara 5 years ago

So true. I still get my partner totally in awe everytime I talk about the pain I went through giving birth. I did it the natural way. No pain medication at all. He still thinks I am awesome for doing that. (If only he knew that I can’t remember a second of the pain.)

S Club Mama 5 years ago

Amen, sister!

Lynn MacDonald (All Fooked Up) 5 years ago

Hahaha…it’s been such a long time since I had no kids. I do remember asking for an epidural at 8 months just to be on the safe side. For some reason, they refused…21 years and counting…still waiting for me time.

nic @mybottlesup 5 years ago

preach it!

TANYA 5 years ago

THANK YOU THANK YOU!! I’ve been trying to tell my pregnant friends this. The first advice I give an expectant mom is take naps, lots of naps, and when baby comes F the laundry and the dishes, nap with her because you’ll never EVER get to again!! TRUST ME! They never do and they always come back to me later and say “I should have listened to you”. I’ve tweeted this and will fb as soon as I get home! I wish someone had told me this and the other info on your linked post!! THANK YOU!

Joanie 5 years ago

Yes, enjoy the time when hubby will do everything for you, because it only happens with the first pregnancy. By number 3, I barely saw my husband once the baby was delivered.

He wasn’t as bad as my neighbor, whose husband demanded dinner the day she came home from the hospital and then made her take a walk after dinner to help her lose weight. Amazingly, 19 years later, they’re still married. Fortunately they moved and I don’t have to look at him any more.

Charlene Long 5 years ago

LOL… so true…. this is the truth…

Danielle 5 years ago

Best advice I have read yet. I will be passing this one along!!

Lucky for me I was smart enough to do all of these things!! I am an expert at self serving lazyness and I can appreciate the need for it!

I am pretty sure that you did not set women back 50 years… Maybe 25, but definately not 50 ;

triplezmom 5 years ago

I wish I had read that before I had my first. Fortunately I have a friend 8 months pregnant with her first, so I sent it to her.

Michelloui 5 years ago

Ohhhh yessss. This is soooo true. (Do I sound like wise owl yet?) I loved this post. My pregnancy was wonderful, my first year was hell. And yet Im looking forward to trying it all again! Woo hoo!! (amnesia)

The Mommyologist 5 years ago

Very well said! I have the hardest time not snickering and saying, “You just wait…” when I see a first-time preggo gal all glowing and shit.

Jana @ An Attitude Adjustment 5 years ago

You made me realize–I really need to “milk” my delivery more. I didn’t have the drugs, actually–pitocin and no meds, so that should mean I get a diamond necklace every day, right? I’ll settle for the kids bathed and dishes done, though.

liz 5 years ago

When I had Baby #2, who was due the end of July, we were in the process of relocating back to TN from NH. In fact, we actually completed the relo when Maddie was just 3 weeks old.

People would stop me and say how it must be so hard to be big and pregnant in the summer, as if it’s ever easy to be big and pregnant. Then they’d say how they figure I can’t wait to get that baby out and maybe it’ll come early. My response? The kid is way less trouble INSIDE of me than out. The kid can keep cooking because it’s “game on” once it arrives.

PreggersStepMom 5 years ago

Jill,
Why didn’t you write this 4 months ago!?!?! I tried to be the energizer bunny post delivery, in which I had drugs that stopped working 1/4 of the way into pushing, and the bastards wouldn’t give me more! Now my little bug is 4 months old, teething, and I have given up on my “spotless house”, I do however have 3 preggers friends, so this WILL be passed on!
Still love your writing though!

SaucyB 5 years ago

True to the last word! Milk every last day moms to be.

SaucyB’s last blog… Tit for Tat

Libby 5 years ago

So true and so well said!

Alicia 5 years ago

Wow! I am a first time mommy to be, due in July! Thank you for writing this letter. Seriously. I plan on printing a copy and keeping it with me at all times. What other REAL advice do you have? Write a part 2. No one talks about this. I don’t understand.
Seriously though, write another part! I loved it!

Lindsay 5 years ago

This was another fabulous post, Jill!!!

Lindsay 5 years ago

And don’t forget that you will no longer exist after the baby is born. People will forget you are even in the room. And you are officially known as “so-and-so’s mother.”

Amanda @ High Impact Mom 5 years ago

Ladies, Is this a pre-requisite for mother’s of sons? My mother-in-law is the bane of my existence….I’m just waiting for the time when I can take it out on one of my future son-in-laws. 😉

Amanda @ High Impact Mom 5 years ago

Oh hell…who are we kidding?! You are SO right! Enjoy it ladies!! This is the last time you’ll be the center of attention until you’re laying on your deathbed…and that’s only because those kids you birthed and then selflessly raised want to know what they’re getting in your will!

Nicely done my dear!

tracy 5 years ago

All true! And don’t forget to NAP NOW. once that beautiful baby comes sleep is a thing of the past. All that “Nap when the baby naps” never happens.

Next post on advice for first time moms of toddlers, please! Share your sage hindsight on that topic and I’ll be most greatful! 😉

Rachel 5 years ago

you said it!

Brooke 5 years ago

Gadgets, bottles, drugs, hospital? All that sounds like an awful way to approach motherhood.

Janetanthea 5 years ago

Yes, that first pregnancy was sweet (except for the constant vomiting that I was too scared to take anything for!). I agree with your humorous perspective on pregnancy cravings!

Jessica 5 years ago

This is SO the truth, you just put into words why I miss being pregnant but ONLY have fond memories of my first pregnancy.

Dolli-Mama 5 years ago

Oh, It’s so true! I could really use a sick day right now.

Moomser 5 years ago

I wish I had read this before my first baby! Although I would just like to really stress the point that none of this will happen after the first pregnancy… First pregnancies are magical! After that… no one gives a sh*t anymore.

Jessica 5 years ago

Amen! :)

From Belgium 5 years ago

I have very fond memories of my blissfull ignorance during my first pregnancy. Best time of my life actually…
Although the rememberance of the nearly fainting husband at my first (natural) and second (epudiral) delivery are always good to put the smile back on my face…

LZ 5 years ago

I stayed 3 days with each of the girls (yay night births!) and never quite got the, “I want to go home now’ mentality. Especially with #2. I thought of begging for a 4th night.

MamaBennie 5 years ago

Wow, your mother-in-law sucks. Mine offered to come make me food after natural child birth, but I politely declined because she is a horrendous cook. No doubt the food would have been inedible. I also can’t stand her…she makes me feel a bit stabby. In the case I had your MIL, I probably would have stabbed her with the meat fork for the pot roast and been in jail.

Gigi 5 years ago

All you expectant mommies out there – listen up! She speaks the truth!

Lynn from For Love or Funny 5 years ago

Preach, sister! I’m still recovering from my c-section, and that was 14 years ago…

Xander’s Mommy 5 years ago

This is soooo funny and sooo true. I had a C-section and there was no time to milk it. My “monster-in-law, walked in my door the day I got home from the hospital and handed me a pot roast to put in the oven and a box of instant mashed potatoes (blech) for her son since he “might be hungry”. I couldn’t serve boxed mashed potatoes so I wound up making real ones and having to clean up and do dishes for 8 people… So that was my wake up call to motherhood..

Marsha 5 years ago

Oh my is that the truth!

sherifmz 5 years ago

all this and more are really true