Sometimes, I just want to pee alone. Not all the time, but sometimes. Most of the time would be nice but really, 1 out of every 99 times would do. And I know I shouldn’t be ungrateful because, dude, you’re so lucky to have kids who love you so much that they want to share even the most intimate moments with you and someday it will all be gone and you’ll be in a nursing home alone, and NO ONE will want to watch you pee then!
But still, as ungrateful as it seems, it would be lovely to, every once in a while, be able to wipe my butt without an audience.
Now I know people who don’t have kids can’t understand why I don’t just lock the door and tell the kids to leave me alone. I assume it’s because they’ve never tried relieving themselves while someone bangs on the door angrily yelling “YOU LET ME IN MOMMY! LET ME IN RIGHT NOWWWWWWW!” If they had, they would know it is actually the most un-relieving way ever to relieve oneself and would find that they would also prefer having a toddler stuffing toilet paper through their legs while trying not to urinate on their hand to that toddler breaking down the bathroom door.
There are other times I’d like to be alone as well. Sometimes I’d like to lay quietly in my bed without being jumped on or having softballs lobbed at my head because someone has decided it’s the perfect time and location for an impromptu ball game/wrestling match.
But it appears that no amount of begging, bargaining, yelling or sneaking around will gain me those few precious moments of privacy that every mom desires, so I’ve decided it’s time to get creative. “What might they respond to?” I asked myself and myself said “Threats”. And I said, “Self, you’re right. But you can’t tell the internet that, so let’s go with something more practical like ‘Do Not Disturb’ signs. Yes, let’s design some good ol’ ‘Do Not Disturb’ signs that will effectively let your children know that right now is not the moment to be messing with mommy.”
And so, I present to you five “Do Not Disturb Mom” signs that I have begun hanging around the house whenever I want to be alone…
Technically, this is probably threatening. But also, technically, they probably like the idea of joining the circus, so that makes it no longer a threat. It’s just a friendly offer.
Direct and to the point.
Play up their biggest fears.
Answer their questions, so they don’t have to ask.
Should none of those work, it’s time to scare the shit out of them.