The Fantasies That All Tired Moms Have

We all have dreams. Some people dream of being famous, others of getting that perfect job that they don’t loathe getting up for in the morning. Money. Power. Sex. The sky is the limit in fantasy-land. When you become a Mom, some of those imaginings get moved to the back to make room for new ones.

Throwing Out The Laundry: Imagine a world without laundry. It’s beautiful, isn’t it? No piles on the couch waiting to be folded. No baskets that you have to fold multiple times because someone rummaged through them looking for something. I guess a world without laundry would mean we embraced the nudist life, but even that seems preferable when it gets to the “How in the H-E-Double-Hockey-Sticks do we have this much clothing?!” level. You imagine throwing it all out just to win that bet your partner made with you about the color of the laundry room floor. You picture each family member having just one outfit for each day of the week and NO MORE.

Magically Losing Weight: While we all strive to love our bodies and know that bodies come in all shapes and sizes, sometimes that extra baby weight has a habit of sticking around a little longer than we’re comfortable with. Rather than giving up the post-bedtime snacking (because we all know that’s the only meal you get to enjoy and not share), it’s sometimes easier to just imagine that after six more months of breastfeeding and only having ONE slice of pizza for breakfast, everything will come together. Or maybe all the running around after the toddler will burn off the extra dessert you had. Workout, you ask? As a matter of fact, today was arm day; I folded four loads of clean clothes!

Running Away: We all have those moments when you imagine taking off in a huff, leaving your other half to wander aimlessly around the house wondering how you do it all. You imagine dishes piled up in the sink, kids crying to be fed, and work clothes not getting washed in time for Monday morning. Perhaps a single tear runs down his cheek as he falls to his knees and painfully whispers, “She IS superwoman. I should have appreciated her more. I’ll beg her to come back and as God is my witness I’ll never take her for granted again!” Then you laugh and laugh because in reality you know that the house could be falling down and a literal fire ablaze in the kitchen and he’d still brag about the one plate he washed to put the kids’ takeout on and how cheap it is just to buy new clothes on Amazon when you run out.

Raising Perfect Kids: You know, the kind that would NEVER hit another child and will go out of their way to include everyone, especially those who are shy or friendless. The kind of children they talk about in the Bible when they say “her children will rise up and call her blessed.” In the real world you shudder because your whole family is known as a bunch of heathens thanks to Mommy’s potty mouth and her children being much more likely to “rise up and call you shit-head.” With distinctive clarity, too, despite the fact that they still pronounce grapes “gwapes.”

Winning the Lottery: While I suspect this daydream applies to most people, the difference is in how we’d spend it. The list of “stuff I would buy” comes in second to “stuff I’d never have to do again.” Scrubbing dishes? Never. Poopsplosion? Nope, I got a gal for that. Night-Nanny? Yes please. Don’t judge, we’d give a lot to charity too!

Being a Domestic Goddess: In your mind’s eye you see a sparkling home. Children with clean hands and faces and impeccable floors that you could eat your homemade gourmet meals off of. No more sticky countertops and nary a rouge unmatched sock in the laundry basket. The doorbell rings and there are no pots and pans to shove into the oven to hide from an unexpected visitor. Ahhhh bliss. I’m quite sure we could all be this kind of Mom and wife in reality … if we didn’t have a husband or kids.

Being “Discovered”: For anything really. That super cute pic you posted on Instagram goes viral, you invent a new stroller that can carry four children and turn into a motorized cart at Costco for those “too tired to walk” days. Maybe some big music exec hears you singing The Wiggles to your kid in the car and just has to have you because your voice sounds like the farts of 1000 angels. Anything is preferable to the constant discovering of you on the toilet by your children.

Having an Affair: This usually happens when your partner is really pissing in your cornflakes. You imagine running into Ryan Gosling/Ruby Rose/Whoever-Gets-Your-Motor-Purring at the local supermarket. They kiss your makeup-free brow and tell you they want to run their fingers through your hair the moment you brush it out. “Let me take you away from all of this” they whisper by the Nutella display. “I could give you everything you wanted and you’ll never have to do laundry again!” Then you go home and see your person and they still look endearing with baby spit up on their shirt and a toddler clinging to their leg and you realize “Better the Devil You Know…”